I haven't posted here in awhile. I have been officially D since Oct of 06. My XWW is still with OM and brings our children around him frequently we have only been separated since June of this year.
The problem I have is I still cannot let go...I still love her and miss her terribly despite the things that she has done. I feel in my heart I should still fight her but should I?
I am thinking of sending her a Xmas card with a letter about my feelings as a final final attempt to get her back...or should I just give up?

B29:

Sounds pathetic to me.

Harsh, I know.

But you are divorced, so make a plan to improve yourself and create the life you would like to lead. In this process, your Ex may find you quite attractive and want you back. If not, someone else will.

Only thing that ever works is an improved you.

Just my .02

Personally I feel any effort to win her back by describing your feelings for her is a wasted effort. She is still with the OM and you don't give any indication that the affair is cracking or wearing thin.

That doesn't mean reconciliation is impossible, just that this probably isn't the time -- if ever there will be a time.

I would say you are better off letting go, working on yourself, and looking to a future without your ex. If something changes down the road, then you can deal with it at that point.

It may be pathetic but you just don't flip a switch and lose all your feelings in 6 months after spending 12 years of your life with someone...plus she is the mother of my 2 young children.
I have been working on myself and will continue to...I was simply asking if it would be a mistake to make a final attempt so that I can move on...I have excepted being single and enjoy it now...but I still miss having my family together.

btrayd29,

It's true you can't "flip a switch" and lose your feelings for your XWW, but you can choose not to give her so much space in your head.

You continue to CHOOSE to love your XWW.

You continue to think about her, night and day.

Stop it.

When you start to think of her, stop yourself. And go do something else.

Soon your XWW will stop entering your thoughts altogether.

Put the focus back on YOU.

Work on making changes on YOU.

Start doing things you've never done before.

The more you do for yourself the less you'll think of her.



~ Marsh

I had a phone conversation with my xww today. She started by telling me she thinks I am turning her children against her and the OM. I was completely honest with her and told her that I make it a point to never talk bad about her to anyone ecspecially our children and that I never talk about OM.
She than proceeded to vent about all the things I did wrong in our marriage and how I was the cause of it all. I just listened and told her that I was sorry and that the one thing I realized is it takes 2 to destroy a marriage not just 1. I also asked her to forgive me for failing her.
She continued to tell me that her relationship with the OM was not an affair even though they have been seeing each other since April and we just seperated in June and got divorced in October. I just said whatever you left me for someone else lets face it. She began to tell me how great he treats her and how much he loves things about her I didn't. My only thought was "until you are alone and have had no one to lean on your confidence and belief that there is truely love felt there between you and the OM you won't tuely be happy...you can't jump out of a 12 year relationship and expect the new affair to not end badly when it began in lies and deceit.
I told her that I hope that she is happy and that I do believe that things could have been fixed between us with marriage counsoling and real effort from both...which she refused to do.
She also told me how sexually attracted he is to her and how good that makes her feel....I was a little caught off guard by this statement because it had little to no relavence to our converstation. Any ideas for her recent rant and comments.
I have to say this was the first time talking to her didn't upset me or make me feel down...I actually laughed to myself after the conversation because her comments were so off the wall.
I always feared talking to her because of the emotional pain I would feel afterward...tonight I feel unaffected and I don't get why I keep laughing about her comments.
Any advice here or clarification on my recent events? Is this a sign that I am healing??? I have been in counsoling and divorce support group since this all began so I have had some real help through this.
I almost felt as though I realized for the first time that she really isn't as happy as she seemed to me about her decision that she was telling me these things as a way of convincing herself she did what was right. Is that possible?

Do your miss your W or the WS?

Then think about which one w/b reading the letter and card.

You c/b disappointed with the reaction and be more hurt than you are now.

L.

I miss my wife and after last nights conversation I think any attempt would fall on deaf ears. What do you think of my last post and the conersation I had with her?

B-29, you may be right. The situation with the OM may not be as rosy as she describes. All the more reason to improve on yourself. Make yourself more attractive to her. be upbeat and positive around her, as if you've gotten over her.

As to the children, I think others here might tell you to answer their questions honestly. You don't have to tell them everything, but don't lie. The sitch with your wife is not your fault. Keep on being the parent your children love to be around.

Sorry, B-29, I meant XWW.

btrayed, is there some reason you have never gone into Plan B? Had you gone into Plan B some time ago, you would be feeling immensely better at this point. Staying in touch with her all this time has only enabled her affair and allowed her to CAKEEAT, at your expense.

Have you considered Plan B?

I did go to plan B before the divorce and even sent a letter. I have to communicate with her on a weekly basis because of the children and our custody arrangement. I did tell her 3 months ago that I had nothing left to say except things that regarded the children. She used them to talk to me yesterday by saying she felt I was turning them against her. She lives with the OM when she doesn't have the children and has had several sleep overs with the children when she has had them.
I have been working to improve myself and most importantly my relationship with my children. I just need some clarification of her recent rant and statements...I think she is just trying to reach at every straw and person including me for approval. Which in my opinion means she isn't as happy as she tries to portray herself, even though she says that the OM is the greatest guy and person she has ever met and been with?????

btrayed, Plan B means no contact at all, otherwise it defeats the purpose. The average Plan B should last 2 years or until reconcilation.

Having long talks with her is meeting her needs and the purpose of Plan B is to NOT meet her needs and to protect you. Every time you speak to her or communicate her in any way, you get dragged back into her morass. It also meets certain needs of hers, which helps her stay in her affair.

Lots of folks go completely dark in Plan B with children. It is hardly impossible and the benefits are great.

Okay, I have to communicate with her about the children she refuses to switch pick up times and will not communicate thru email only or text messages as I have requested. So give me some pointers here.


Also does anyone have any input to her recent rant and statements???

btrayed, I wouldn't communicate with her AT ALL about the kids in any way shape or form. Instead, attach a visitation schedule to your Plan B letter and specify that she is to send the kids out when you pick them up and you will send the kids out when she picks them up.

Any other critical info [and I mean critical, not messages like "send Sally's pink shoes] should go through a designated intermediary. Do you have someone who would be willing to be neutral who would act as a SPAM filter and pass on critical messages?

Does the 9 year old have a cell phone?

No cell phone for the 9 year old and its difficult just sending them out the door when my youngest is 3. She will not do that she would not let me have them unless I get them from her house even though I am the custodial parent.

You know, you don't need her permission to have them, betrayed, they are your children and you are the custodial parent. You set the rules, not her.