I am a good friend of lovegod. Her WS got home from Iraq last night. He has delayed their "talk" until this afternoon. Just moments ago, she discovered emails between her WS and the OW. They are not good and she is very upset.

He drove up while I was on the phone with her so she had to go but she doesn't know what she should do with this info...especially since they haven't talked yet and she so desperately wants some of her questions answered.

She needs to know what to do. How should she proceed? Does she tell him about these emails or keep monitoring him?

Should she try to have the "talk" with him and not bring the emails up yet?

He is still withholding a lot and she wants to proceed with caution. She just isn't sure what to say.

Thank you so much for any help

I will be calling her soon and would love to tell her what y'all said.

Wow. He came home early. She needs to tell him that she is very Thankful that he came home safe, and knows that he needs some rest.

She needs to listen to him and repeat that she wants to save their marriage - like a broken record. He will likely try to bait her into an argument. She needs to be calm and cheerful, and let him know that she doesn't do divorce.

The affair WILL end, and then he will most likely be back in the marriage. She needs to be patient.

So she shouldn't tell him about the emails? The emails paint a different picture than what he is saying...which I'm sure is usual.

No...she needs to be the wife that anyone would want to have...happy, happy, happy...loving...do not give him a reason to start an argument or fight...SHe needs to Plan A ALL the way! For the time!

No sense arguing - he would just deny it all anyway and try to argue the details.

She probably doesn't want to give up that source of info, anyway.

More general statements are in order, whenever she does confront.

"I know you are having an affair with Ms. _____ ."

"I know you are continuing to communicate with Ms. ________, and this is very painful to me."

"A marriage should be between one man and one woman. That is the kind of marriage I will consider being a part of."

No ultimatums, just simple, general statements. They begin to give him an outline of what she expects, though he will likely not comply with her stated boundaries until they have been enforced through Plan B.

Plan A includes stating boundaries.

Plan B includes instating boundaries.

Tell her to be calm and rest easy; this will still be a process, and will take time. She should not expect to accomplish it all in a day. Patience is where she should be right now. A good Plan A, but begin setting up for B early.

Isn't she the one whose husband will only be around for a couple of weeks before he goes back? If I were her, I would avoid all arguments and be the most wonderful wife she could be. I think her situation is "unique" in that she has very limited time to do a Plan A. I think it needs to be a slam dunk Plan A. Confronting about those emails will only make WH want to go back sooner.

A visit only? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I agree - if that is the case, don't waste time confronting (unless some one-of-a-kind opportunity comes up), but with such a short time, reconnecting needs to be the priority.

My gut would be sweetness and light this visit, when he un-deploys, another very few weeks of Grade A Plan A, then a very swift Plan B.

Dear, brave lovegod.

rubydo,

Glad u r looking out for her. Let her know we are thinking of her and it's time for her to put her knowledge to work.

By this I mean, she needs to use that clear mind and calm heart I posted about before....oh yea and lots of patience.

Expect the e-mails. In reality, you want him to communicate with the OW, that makes the WS even more vulnerable. Much easier to smack the WS who is being a real buthead and a 1/2 hearted buthead. LOL!!! LG will understand what that means.

Tell her to NOT reveal her info. She will want to....badly but if she can exercise that clear mind and calm heart....then it will confuse the WS even more. That's a good thing. Keep the Ws off balanced and very confused. That will mean he has less time to harass LG.

Hugz,
L.

RD,

BS if he is only home for a short while, nail him while he is here, expose to the military, his commander first and let the chips fall where they may. While in an A he is in no way, shape, form, or fashion, able to lead or be part of an armed action where people's lives may depend on him. In a WS frame of mind he may end up getting innocent military people killed, why? Because his mind is not 100% on staying alive and keeping those around him alive PERIOD! Do his biddies a favor and EXPOSE immediately!

[color:"red"]This is why the military has laws (UCMJ), that make adultry illegal and a punishable offense! [/color]

OK, I did confront him w/ these emails...I was very calm about it but firm...he didn't know what to say...he was speechless....completely embarassed and humiliated....he fessed up to everything...He even admitted he got caught up in the "fog"...not sure where he heard that b/c I didn't tell him...the emails stopped around the end of Septemeber .....And today, I have been happy, upbeat, in a good mood, etc etc....So we will see....I dunno....Thanks RUbydoo...i love ya