Maybe he felt like a "fixture" because he wasn't getting any appreciation? Usually guys LIKE doing stuff like that, but the reason they LIKE it is because they are ADMIRED for it. See what I mean? They don't feel used if you truly admire and appreciate their efforts. So, I think you are onto something with the admiration thing, but I would also focus on trying to find ways to convey to him that he is NEEDED. Have you read about Admiration in His Needs, Her Needs? If not, click on the article to the right of this web page titled Emotional Needs and find Admiration.


Since he has been a WH, have you shown him any admiration? It is good that you recognize how the OW attracted him, because that is what you are competing with. However, you have a HUGE ADVANTAGE she doesn't have: HISTORY, HIS CHILDREN, NO BAGGAGE. Not only do you have history and his children, but you don't have the baggage that OW has. And she cannot be trusted out of his sight. Deep down he knows this.

See, I think you have some great opportunities here. If you focus hard on being as attractive as possible for the next few weeks you can cause lots of conflict in his affair at a CRITICAL TIME of the year. He will miss his family TERRIBLY at Christmas and the OW will not be able to fill that gaping hole. So, make sure the house looks WONDERFUL and Christmassy just like it does every year.

Is he going to come to your home and spend Christmas wiht you and the boys?? That would be great!

The more attractive you appear, the more he will withdraw from the OW. The more times you can invite him in the house for a visit, the more upset the OW will be and the more she will lovebust him. She doesn't have benefit of this program, after all, and doesn't know any better.

Admiration

If you have the need for admiration, you may have fallen in love with your spouse partly because of his or her complements to you. Some people just love to be told that they are appreciated. Your spouse may also have been careful not to criticize you because criticism may hurt you deeply if you have this need.
Many of us have a deep desire to be respected, valued and appreciated by our spouse. We need to be affirmed clearly and often. There's nothing wrong with feeling that
Learn to meet the need of Admiration
way. Even God wants us to appreciate Him.

Admiration is one of the easiest needs to meet. Just a word of appreciation, and presto, you've just made somebody's day. On the other hand, it's also easy to be critical. A trivial word of rebuke can set some people on their heels, ruining their day and withdrawing love units at an alarming rate.

Your spouse may have the power to build up or deplete his or her account in your Love Bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. If you can be effected that easily, be sure to add admiration to your list of important emotional needs.

I agree that you need a really short and really stellar Plan A, (you've already been doing a lot of it, now just formalize it a little and really knock his socks off) then a very, very dark Plan B.

And I like Mel's ideas of having a great dinner cooking, and fresh-baked cookie smell in the air when he comes to drop off the kids ... would he like to stay for some? Or take a plate with him? (Can you imagine OW FREAKING out seeing him bring in a plate of cookies FROM HIS WIFE?!?!?)
I also think you should consider inviting him to an activity that you and the kids are going to go do (cutting down the Christmas tree would have been a great one ... what other traditions do you have? How about going out for ice cream after one of their school Christmas programs?). Those are your chances to shine and put lots of great images of you in his head for him to stew over in Plan B.

As for not wanting him to think you are ok with how things are -- that's where the other part of Plan A comes in. You have to be authentic and real and share your feelings -- open and honest enough to tell him that you're not happy about how things are. Not in big dramatic weeping sessions ... just in easy, short, truthful "I" statements (drive-by's) that you just drop and leave. Don't worry about his response -- he may not ever respond, or he may try to argue -- it's not an argument, just a statement about how you feel. "I really miss us being a family." "I believe that we can build a whole new, really great marriage." "I'm so sad that the boys are going to have to divide Christmas between us now." "It's like a knife in my stomach every time you leave us to go to your mistress." "I still have hope that we can save this M." etc.

Think about what you want to say, then practice them over and over until you can say them firmly, calmly, and quietly and then can just leave them hanging there or move on to another topic without needing a response.


"I have been a fixer, a pleaser, taking care of everyone and everything, Ms. Competent. I think I did that to "earn" love."

It's not easy to overcome a lifetime of that message that we're supposed to be Superwoman .... capable of doing anything and everything, and being pleasant and happy and perfect while doing it. Always with a smile, whether we felt it or not. I also thought that my WH used to admire that. We talked about it recently, and he talked about how dishonest it was. That he never knew how I was really feeling, because I was such a "yes man", making everything happen wihtout making waves or making anyone else uncomfortable. He said it actually made him start LOSING respect for me, even though initially it had been something that he really respected.

I like your "4 rules", and am really impressed with how you're working with the kids. It's not easy to be the one who has to explain things to them, but it seems like you're doing a great job.

Steve Harley is the one who told me about 'good guys' being so confident in their character and integrity that they don't keep firm boundaries. It helped me so much to get my head around that, made a big difference in how I thought of him again.

Having custody and support in place already will make the transition to Plan B quite a bit easier. Do you have someone who will be an intermediary -- who won't give you details or fill you in on how or what he's doing ... just the facts. That will probably help with pulling your focus off of him a little bit, too. I know his mom means well, but her giving you status reports on his mental state, counseling, etc. will NOT be helpful to you once you're in Plan B.


Hang in there. Once you've knocked his socks off for a little while, Plan B will have a great effect on him, put huge stress on his A, and make it so much easier for you to keep your sanity!


-AmI.

Great points, AmI!

Thank you everyone for the sound advice and very practical suggestions. I feel like I have something I can really use and put into practice. I'm going to keep reading about Plan A; there are some great posts.

You are right...with Christmas around the corner, now is my chance to knock his socks off. There's a school Christmas program next week, vacation for the kids...lots of opportunity to make a good impression. And those gingersnaps that he loves...hmmmm...

AmI: Really interesting comment about Superwoman being perceived as somehow dishonest. I never thought about it that way, and through those lenses, it puts a completely different spin on my actions during the M. The old marriage. Hopefully I'll get the opportunity to make a new one!

ML: I'm going to give some careful thought about how to begin building a love bank with deposits of admiration. The hard part will be doing it without expecting anything in return, but recognizing that in advance, and guarding myself against that hurt, should make it tolerable.

Wow, I have learned so much about myself: good and bad. And for whoever posted it earlier (made me laugh)...the hottie thing is a lot easier as a size zero. Even though I'm eating again, the pounds are coming on slowly and sensibly. I could have stood to lose a few pounds anyway. Might as well use it to my advantage. You can bet the OW would.

Thanks again, everyone! I'll keep you posted...and if any other brilliant ideas come to you, please share!

LS

Resilient

what an incredible story....with a happy ending

many of the things you said will stay in my heart and on my mind

thank you

Bump for InPain