For those of you who don’t know my story, my wife has been having an affair now for almost 1 ½ years, though I only discovered it this past March. A few of the veterans here urged me to expose to the other man’s wife, but she had already separated from him and left the country.

Recently, an acquaintance of the OM gave me some addresses to try, so I sent a letter to the OMW telling her that if she was planning on divorcing the OM I would be glad to supply the evidence of infidelity if she needed it.

Last night my wife told me that the OM wants me to stop writing to his wife. I told her to tell him to talk to me himself. I ended up calling him and asking him what he wanted. He denied having any affair with my wife and unleashed a profanity-laced tirade threatening to bring his friends over and beat the sh** out of me. He also threatened to do obscene things to my wife (in order to get to me).

So what do you think he told his wife in response to my letter? Well, she says he told her that he met a nice lady (my wife) and felt sorry for her because “her husband doesn’t love her and treats her bad.” He said he talked to her as a friend on the phone a few times but never touched her. Says she called him, he never called her, and he tried to tell her to stop calling but she wouldn’t do it. Says he didn’t want to be mean because he felt sorry for her.

Folks, if this OM was Pinocchio his nose would stretch from Philly to Cleveland about now.

But wait, there’s more. In April of this year a private detective called me and offered evidence of my wife’s infidelity. I didn’t take him up on the offer because I was too depressed about the fact that someone was actually keeping a file on my wife’s adultery (and you don't need proof of infidelity in my state for a divorce). He never divulged his client, but I always assumed it was the OMW. Turns out it wasn’t her. So who else wants to keep track of this louse?

Back last spring the OM apparently told my wife that he was selling his house and making all sorts of noises about an impending divorce. Well his house is not for sale and all the utilities are still listed in his name. So why do you think he was so upset about my letter? Is it because he doesn’t want to lose his wife? Or is it because he doesn’t want to lose half of everything he owns?

This guy is a piece of work; he's really good at making himself out to be the victim.

Do you think the detective could have been hired by yet another husband of OM's girlfriends? He may have a string of married women...like a tornado destroying everything in its path.

Anything is possible. I heard from other people that this guy has had a number of affairs and the PI said he had another girlfriend during the time he was seeing my wife.

He also warned me to get checked for STDs, which I did. Didn't have a true STD, but did get a serious prostate infection which my doctor says was most likely from sexual contact. It took four weeks of antibiotics to kill it.

Hey Hiker, you didn't say whether that guys wife believed his story.

I don't know if she did or not. The information I got about his story went from her to me through a third party and I forgot to ask. I'm assuming she doubts it, but I don't really know.

Good Morning, Hiker...

OM sounds like a used car salesman...LOL...you know the kind I'm talking about!

I'm so sorry that you are in this Sitch...

In my case, OW was very munipulating and it wasn't until much later that my DH could see what she was trying to do...

DH said to me that he was getting rid of a problem...it took a lot of prayers on my part to get there.

I wish the well!

Rinder,

Thanks. Yes, he seems to be the classic womanizer. He's a foreigner, so apparently his accent is part of his charm.

In his tirade he seemed to be expressing the opinion that I should accept the current situation without rocking the boat.

Apparently he thinks it's okay to try to destroy my family, but I'm not being a man if I rattle his cage a little.

I agree... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ...Do you plan to write OMW again?

Keep rattling...with enough snake bits he'll leave her alone...too many hassles for him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think she will probably call me at some point, or maybe I will hear something again from the third party.

Kudos to you Hiker, for taking the HIGH ground.

This man sounds like a royal piece of SH**!!!
If there's a PI calling YOU, you know he's got some serious skeletons. Whoa!!!

Sorry to hear about the infection, injury added to insult. You have always sounded so grounded to me, I didn't really know too much about your sitch, but you've always given me great guidance, and I thank you. I guess you epitomize the calm in a storm.

Thanks, SL.

I'm not ashamed to admit I was an emotional wreck in the weeks immediately following discovery. Lost 18 pounds in three weeks and I wasn't overweight to begin with.

Like so many others here, discovery was the biggest shock of my life, and I was absolutely stunned. Counseling, studying, friends, family, and this website helped bring me out of the deepest depression I've ever suffered through.

This continues to be the worst time in my life, but I am determined to make something better come of it.

I have a wonderful son, who daily brings me joy. And I have re-discovered the value of friendship.

Does your wife know how disrespected she was by OM?
Does she know how she was described to his wife?
Does she know she was made to sound pathetic and weak?
Does she know he didn't claim her as his GF?

While your WW has been busted, OM is getting away with lying. That should cause some LB'ing in affair-land!

The answer to your questions is no. I don't think she would see it in those terms. I imagine that she would think that he is just lying to protect their affair.

Lies. A sore spot with me.

I think it is a given that adulterers lie to each other as much as to their spouses. Maybe more so.

Adulterers are liars to their very core.

I could list the same kinds of lies of commission and omission FWW spoon fed to OM and OM laid out for FWW to consume. Man, I could list doozies that would choke a horse. And these lies were weaved together, layer upon layer and built upon, a veritable leaning tower of lies, for a decade.

I don’t know how they kept them all straight.

Maybe they didn't bother to keep them straight. Adulterers consume each other's lies with relish. They suspect they are lies; they don’t want to examine things too closely. They can’t risk examining things at all.

It’s all about feelings. Gimmme the feelings! They want these feelings so much they don’t care who gets hurt as long as they get to feel the feelings. They don’t even care they will definitely and seriously harm OP, whom they claim to love so much, in the long run.

What true love places own feelings above the welfare of the person loved?

Both adulterers are simultaneously pushers and users. No drug dealer cares a whit about their users.

But I don’t want to carry this addict analogy too far. Adulterers are not actually drug addicts, they just act like it. Suffice it to say, adulterers are cheaters, selfish, mean, harmful, damaging, destructive and completely bad for everyone on the planet, including OP.

Adulterers are liars, liars, liars.

Reclamation of a WS depends to no small degree on when they finally stop lying to themselves.

This may be the single most important marker for all aspects of recovery: when the WS stops lying to the WS.


With prayers,

PS: Did I mention adulterers are liars?

Excellent post Aph...

And Hiker, Just give me a little notice if you need someone to give you a hand with Rico Suave and his buddies. I would love to "help" with an OM.

Hiker,

You and I arrived here about the same time, I think. It seems that my sitch is going better than yours.

This piece of work isn't from Kentucky, is he? Sounds just like WW's OM.

If a WS is lying through their teeth to everyone around them,and they are lying to OP, why do they seem to buy the lies they are being told by OP? Tis a puzzlement...

Mark

Mark

It is truly amazing. The OM in EX WW's case is on court record as being a serial cheater (15 affairs, ONS, long term, short term, you name it) and is despised by his own family but he could tell my EX WW the earth was square and she would believe it, hands down.

hopeandpray,

Thanks for the support. For a long time I was actually looking forward to catching up to the OM to teach him a lesson (he lives and works out of state). Fortunately my lawyer made it very clear that it would be stupid of me to get involved in any kind of violence if I intend to get custody of my son, and that tracking the OM down would be seen as looking for trouble.

The idea that he would bring some friends to "beat the sh** out of me" just tells me he is the coward I thought he was. After all, from my very first phone contact with him after D-day, he has always denied anything is going on with my wife except an occasional friendly phone call, and this was long after my wife admitted the affair and I found all sorts of evidence that confirmed it.

He is either trying to avoid more problems in his relationship with his wife, or avoid a divorce because of the financial damage it would inflict on him.

I am hoping his wife doesn't buy his story, but right now I have no way of knowing that.

Mark,

No this louse isn't from Kentucky. He's from Europe and living in the states now. He has that European mentality of keeping mistresses on the side and plying them with a few gifts in exchange for sex. He doesn't offer commitment, which as you may know actually helps fuel the WS's desire to pursue him.

The WS's buy the lies because their common sense is completely rendered useless by the "high" of the affair. My wife is a very intelligent person; if this was happening to a friend of hers I'm sure she would give great advice about how her friend would be destroying a perfectly good marriage. But when your embroiled in it yourself, the brain chemistry high of the affair is too powerful to overcome. Deep inside a part of you still knows it's a mistake, but you keep letting your emotions convince you otherwise.

I'm glad to hear your situation is going better than mine, though it can hardly be worse than mine because I've shifted gears toward getting a divorce. It pains me to think of what this will do to my son, but it has been a long time since he has seen any affection between my wife and I and I don't want him seeing this as his model for marriage.

There are a lot of good women out there, and it's funny how suddenly, when the knowledge spreads that my marriage is about over, they seem to come out of nowhere to show interest in me. Maybe I just never noticed because I was so much in love with my wife.

I assume that you got the evidence from that PI and fowarded it to the OMW?

No. There was plenty of hard evidence without using the PI file.