I moved out 2 weeks ago when I realized how painful it was for her to have me around. (I confessed an old infidelity about 3 weeks prior, and she wants divorce). I have repented and hope for reconciliation and am in recovery for sex addiction. She filled printed some paperwork from online and asked me to complete it for filing for divorce. I have not cooperated, and expect to work through a process of some sort before doing that (counseling, church, something). She is unwilling, and has now told me that she did her part by printing that paperwork, and since I won't finish the work, she is now going to act single, as the marriage is "dead" and the lack of a form filed is not going to keep her from behaving as a single.

Is there really anything to be done here? Is there any way to show how serious I am about winning her back without just ticking her off?

I feel like filing for divorce myself is not what I'm called to do - I don't want it. This is a pattern that she's told me to do something, if I don't (since it's her desire, and against my beliefs/counsel/whatever) then it proves my irresponsibility. In this case, she still says her behavior is a natural result of my sin. I destroyed the marriage by my behavior, so her actions are the result of my behavior. Sounds like "not her fault". I accept I was wrong. I even accept she wants to divorce me. It just seems odd to not follow through on the divorce but decide she'll act as if it happened.

That's way oversimplifying things, and forgive the bias I'm likely to communicate inherently. I just wondered if this is a typical thing, to claim the divorce, but not actually file for it, and blame the other for that filing not happening. I assume she will do whatever she will do, and I cannot control her, and so shouldn't fret about it. But I still can't help but wonder, so seeking any thoughts from y'all.

We've been married 14.5 years and have 5 kids from 5 to 11.

I'm not an attorney, but I don't believe that printing a few forms off the internet constitutes a divorce filing. I'm doing the D right now and it's a lot more complex than internet forms.

It must be filed in court and stamped and signed by the clerk or judge to make it an official/legal filing. You can do it, she can do it, atty can do it or a paralegal can do it. There will be a TSA involved for the children too.

In my state (Southern state), until property, children, etc issues are solved or settled and blessed by a judge you are still married and if you have a relationship outside the marriage it's adultery and can affect the outcome.

As for reconcilling, I cannot offer an opinion......

KwahTin2

Your old infidelity may be way in the past for you, but for your wife, the betrayal is only 3 weeks old. It's a very deep pain and it really doesn't matter how long ago it was. For her, it's right now. I think she is reacting out of anger and hurt. She may feel like she never really knew you and by printing up divorce papers, telling you that the marriage is over and she is going to act "single", she is trying to hurt you back.

I know when I first found out, I wanted my WH to hurt as badly as he had hurt me. I didn't do anything to make that happen-I just wanted to.

You are right, you can only control you. So, now is the time to show her what you are willing to do. You have five kids and 14 years together. That's worth fighting for. Don't file for divorce. Let her know that you will do whatever it takes to save your marriage. You will do whatever it takes to keep your family from having to go through the h*@$ of divorce.

I would suggest you head over to the General Questions forum and post your thread. There are lots of veterans on that forum-both Wayward Spouses and Betrayed Spouses. They will give you some good insights and maybe some ideas to try.

Hang in there-

Start by doing some reading here. Read the Love Busters, Emotional Needs, and affairs sections. Work on yourself. Don't be needy or whiny. Moving out of the house makes it harder for you to fight for your marriage. Can you move back in? You are divorced until the laws of the land in the area where you live say otherwise. Try posting on Emotional Needs or the Infidelity board - either 'Just Found Out' or 'Gen Questions II'.

I filed for a divorce and my husband thought he could "stop this..." I've read what's typical, most divorces, actually the huge majority are filed by women as men don't usually want to break up their families. In the end less then half of the divorces filed, actually result in a divorce. It's when the divorce is actually filed that people start really thinking that they are "divorcing." Many get through affairs and this is a good site for stories and encouragement, especially the emotional needs section. So with the stats and some help you might get through this. Your wife is printing out paperwork but she's not following through by walking to the court house and filing. It's not hard to do, so it's obvious that she's in turmoil about this. Even if she does file you have sime time depending upon your state. Here it's six months before it can be finalized. With five kids you are going to have a lot of issues to work through in a divorce if that's what happens. There are many good books out there besides Harley's about affairs and what you can do to make ammends, my ex cheated on me, I know the hurt and I still feel it years later. I left him after the affair that he never really confessed to - and returned feeling sorry for him as his dad had just died. If he'd followed through the steps recommended by counselors and in books there might have been a possibility that we could have worked it out... I don't think the person who commited the affair - as Harley says - understands the impact on their spouse as much as they should. Even in your tone here you seem to take it more lightly then you should. You'll have to really feel for her for a long time.

Thanks for the replies.

johnstwin - I'll post at General Questions, thanks. I guess I still feel a bit at a loss to show I'm willing to do whatever it takes, especially since she wants nothing to do with me, out of the house and all that. Is reaching toward her, and taking the rejection correct? Or is that offensive to her to reach when she wants nothing to do with me? I lean lately towards the former, and try to do something to show I'm still fighting for her.

cinderella - thanks, I do need to catch up on some reading here. I'll probably stick with johnstwin's General questions board for now, rather than sprinkle it all over the place. I really would like to be back in the house. It still haunts me how much it relaxed her when I finally agreed to move out. That being away from her could be such a help to her was crushing. She definately does not want me back in, and I don't even know how to ask to get back in (to the basement). Although finances may force it. But speaking of that makes it feel like a 'weapon' and I'm afraid to bring that up too. Working with financial advisor soon to get it in black and white (would be necessary for the D paperwork anyway) so it's clear, and not my manipulation/lie/deception.

horsey2 - your first line really hits me square. I was there for the first few weeks, resisting by sheer obstinance, and refusing to leave. Leaving actually brought her relief, and she so visibly relieved by it, seeing that itself was painful. I'm sure I can never understand how I've hurt her. I have spent time imagining things that would hurt me, but even that doesn't do it. I still catch myself thinking it was "just" a phone call, and I know that's just evidence of how little I understand. The future hopes she had are also shattered, that I can't even know, or that those that I thought she'd given up long ago. The little things like her locking every door now, even the car in the driveway, cutting off all family... every thread of her is assaulted by this, and I cannot fathom it, and have to force myself to even think about it, since I'd rather move on.

thanks again.