Wow, this plan A can be tough. I am trying to be the nice guy, trying to support her ENs. Things have been going fine. I really haven't been badgering her with questions or anything lately. She seemed to be doing pretty good. Tonight though she tells me that she's getting tired of me always looking over her shoulder and always trying to keep tabs on her. Which is not all true. I am not always watching her. Just tonight I was just sitting on the couch and she accused me of just trying to watch her. I try to explain that I'm not. She also said that one night when I left for a little bit that she saw me ride around the block to spy on her. I did not. She is getting frustrated I guess. I really think I am doing Plan A pretty good. I try to explain to her that I am just trying to rebuild trust and it's going to take a little time. Whenever I try to tell her that I am just doing what I can to make things right with our marriage, she just tells me that I am thinking that I am Mr. Perfect, or just showing her that I am better than her. That is not true at all. Another thing lately is I believe that she has a slight drinking problem. I try to address that and she really gets upset. I talked to our family doctor last week and told her everything and now I am set up for a STD checkup. SHe doesn't want to go and see our doctor now. She was supposed to go tomorrow but she says that she isn't.
It hurts because sometimes I feel that she doesn't think it was such a big deal what she did to me. I try to remain calm and stick toPlan A. Up until tonight I thought it was going rather well. DO you think this is her just talking thru the fog? It's weird because nights are rough for us, but she usually wakes up in the morning and apologizes to me and tells me that she loves me. I really wish she would at least talk toour doctor. I know that she feels embaressed about what she did but I really think it would help her to face up to it to someone. SOmeone other than me. She has told no one about it. My D-day was Oct. 8 by the way. Thanks for any comments or input. These boards are a Godsend,

I think I am mistaken about Plan A. I am just about positive that the A is over. Do I still do Plan A or do I move to a different recovery mode. Is Plan A a waste of time if the A is over? Where do I go from here?

rb,

Plan A is is about you and you changing the things that you can to make you a better H and person. Yes it is tough and it SUCKS big time.

You can't try to teach your wife anything, don't point out the wrongs she did, don't talk to her about trust or anything having to do with your M.

Plan A - have fun just being together, be manly, be strong on the outside even when you are falling apart on the inside.

Some problems in your M are your fault just not the A. Work on what you did wrong, but don't point it out to your wife that you are working on them. Let her see them herself. She will over time.

Keep watching for contact with OM. There MUST BE NO CONTACT for her to get over him.

If she has no one else to talk to then let her know that she can talk to you even if she wants to tell you how much she misses the OM. This hurts, I know, but it is important that she can talk to someone and it is best if it is you. Be there for her.

You are new to this stuff it will take time - lots of time.

I have been at this for 7 months and just this week my wife who was in an EA for a year told me how wrong she was and is now working on our M with me.

M2L

Plan A is a pain. It is so hard to just put all my pain and hurt aside and just act like nothing had happened. That is just what she wants. I will do my best. I did have a little break down a couple of nights ago. Iknew she was having a stressful day at work so I arranged a sitter for our 2 kids and I thought I would take her out to dinner. Well, I guess she didn't want to. We kind of got into a small argument. It's funny because I heard all the trademark phrases from her like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", or "I'm just comfortable". She told me that I am taking this harder than she thought I would, etc. It did end up in a nice discussion though. I tried hard to just shut up and listen as she told me about all her stress at work. I made it a point to let her know that I wanted to listen and try to understand things that she goes through. To be honest I kind of enjoyed letting her open up to me. I know that communication was a big problem for us. It is hard to hear some of the cruel things that she tells me too. She knows that I am reading some books (including HIs needs, her needs) and she says that those are filling my head with a bunch of garbage. She says no 2 incidences are alike and I am getting bad information. All I know is that she is here and I am 99.9% sure that her A is over. She doesn't really seem to want to work on our M though. She just wants to let it all go which is commmon for the WS I suppose. I just hope that if I continue Plan A, she will realize the extent of what she did and will work on our M like I am willing to do. Like your W, M2L, I want to hear my W tell me how wrong she was. I need to hear those things.

Rock,

This is all part of the healing time. It takes TIME. I asked how I could speed it along. You can't and you will not be able to see that unit you are thru it.

You said your wife is home and that the A is over. Best place to start. Now spend time together doing upbeat things. Show her the changes you have made thru actions - she will see them. She knows you and she will see the change, it may take a while.

Keep at it. I know some of those things they say hurts. I've heard
OM is so much better than you M2L

OM has a great a55 that I like to feel it.

You would like OM

All Crap and now my wife won't even let me repeat them for her. It makes her mad - so I don't.

Stick to your guns and come here to vent.

M2L

Plan A should go on as long as you can continue it. Dr Harley suggests about 6 months is the best men can do, women he says make it a little less, 3 or 4 months or so. After that time, you don't just stop Plan A, you decide at that time if you are moving toward recovery or just spinning your wheels.

When I first got here, I was in a state of shock. I didn't have any idea what I should do, but wanted to save my M. I learned about Plan A and started in. A was over within a couple weeks and WW began to communicate in a real language about 2 months later. I'm now at the point where I have my marriage back, but my focus is starting to shift toward a specific plan of recovery. I have my W back, now I have to figure out what to do with her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Try to remember that Plan A is about making changes that last for life. The changes you make should not be short sighted, short term quick fixes. They should be lifestyle changes that you should be willing to accept as part of your life from now on.

Be sure you know and understand all of Dr Harley's basic concepts. This site is so much more than just breaking up affairs. The things he teaches are for building a strong, good, healthy M, in spite of an A, not because of it. Things like radical honesty and POJA should be implemented even before marriage, if possible. These are the stuff of great marriages, not just a way to survive an A.

The time all of this takes is always longer than we want and even longer than we fear when we first start out. At some point, you may need to ask for info re: the A, but not right now. You will find that the important things will be different in a few months and the when, where and why will give way to how. How did it happen? What did I do that may have allowed it to happen? Was I doing my part, and if so, what will she do in the future to assure that it never happens again?

You may get to a point where you might even decide to end it and that's OK, too. Just don't think that it will all go away, because it won't for a long time. My personal goal is to arrive at a day when I am no longer policing my W, but she is policing herself. That will be the day I will feel recovery has really begun. My personal opinion is that until then, a WS is still a WS and not a FWS. Self imposed boundaries are what it takes to affair-proof a M, not fear of retaliation and discovery.

Mark