My fiancee and I are planning on getting married in March.

I was married to another man between ages 18 and 23. I caught him with another woman. Now I have jealousy issues.

Most of our relationship is great. He is complimentary and sweet. We have a couple of problems. The biggest one is sex. We don't sleep in the same bed (he sleeps on the couch). We have sex about once a month. We used to have a lot of sex. I've talked to him about this many times. Sometimes my approach has been really bad. I feel rejected and lonely. I've hinted that it might be worth breaking off the engagement. He promised me that we would have more sex. I worry that 5 years down the line I'll be in a celibate marriage. I really don't want that.

We also don't have much of a social life. I feel self-conscious around him. My jealousy problem makes it hard for me to make girlfriends in the city we moved to - I am afraid he will fall for them (I know how destructive it is for me to feel this way).

I want to apply some of the concepts here, but sometimes I don't know how.
I am so confused at this point. The sex is the biggest problem. I don't even want to have sex every day. ONce a week is fine.

What should I do? How can I triy to fix this.

Well first off, don't get married to him while this is a problem. It won't get better.

Are you unreasonably jealous? Or is your jealousy rational and logical based on HIS behavior? If it's unreasonable, maybe you should consider individual counseling to work through whatever is causing it.

There are plenty of betrayed spouses here who have not developed a deep jalousy of their mates, so maybe there's more than just your former marriage at the root.

You may not need a lot of girlfriends but you sure do need some. One person can't meet all your needs, and if you try to rely on one person for all your needs, he'll probably pull away from the pressure and responsibility.

How long has your BF been sleeping on the couch?

Have you tried not initiating any sex at all? Not talking about it, nothing? It worked for me, after a six month dry spell. Of couse, sex was still infrequent, but at least it wasn't the "I'll show you" sex I got when I would try to discuss how my needs weren't met.

Have you and your BF ruled out medical reasons? Smoking and drinking and other drugs can negatively affect libido and/or performance. We all know what anxiety and stress can do.

I'm not sure how you can fix the problem. You two probably need some marriage counseling. WOuld he be willing to go? What if you positioned it as pre-marital counseling? One thing I do know is it won't get better once you're married, no matter what he says.

My heart goes out to you.

Thanks for your reply to my post.

I would say that I can be unreasonably jealous. An example: when we were in a store Christmas shopping, he pointed out a woman he had a crush on when he was 19 (he's 36). I got jealous!

I think I have a long-standing problem with insecurity. It wasn't a big deal with my ex-husband because he went out of his way to make me feel secure.

My boy has been sleeping on the couch since our second year together. It only started bothering me in the past year or so.

I have tried not initiating sex. Maybe I should try a longer break.

I do think my boyfriend has some problems with intimacy, etc. But I can only fix my own problems, not his.

My mother is visiting, and things are tense (I love my mother very much, but things can get strained between us), and I am realizing that I can be like her in that I act way too emotional and expect other people to put up with me.

This behavior has a draining effect on my relationships and needs to stop because it's selfish.

My boyfriend has said no to counseling, but I only asked once.

We came to an impasse over Christmas and I confessed that I contemplated leaving because I felt so alone. He promised to change. I appreciate his promises, but we will see. I also need to change.

Thanks for your help! I am going to try to work on the damaging things I do to see if this helps or at least sheds clarity on my situation.

If you used to have a lot of sex and he's been sleeping on the couch for over a year, this is a red flag. If you have that sort of jealousy, that's a red flag.

I think you should consider waiting on the marriage. Counseling definitely sounds like a better idea. It is far easier to cancel a wedding ceremony than to cancel a marriage.

Hey Back Again,

I can certainly understand you having jealousy issues. People in relationships need attention and nurturing. It IS justifiable to get jealous.....when your bf is pointing out other women to you.....when he's snoring on the couch every night.....ignoring you.

I was married for 22 years. I waited FAR TOO LONG to address the issue of intimacy with my ex-wife. I quietly sufferred. First the sex became simply a chore.Pretty laughable coming from a man huh? Its usually the woman saying such things. Then the little things all fell away. No kissing...no touching....no non-physical intimacy. By the time I dragged her to a christian marriage counselor....it was too late.

Here's the thing. Good sex...results from good relationships. Sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage....but it is a FANTASTIC INDICATOR of how things are going along. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER!!!! TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. TELL HIM NOW>>>TONIGHT! If he is understanding and truly loves you ...and wants the relationship to continue......he will respond. Secondly......DO NOT SETTLE FOR LIP SERVICE! There is a difference between SAYING things will be different...and things ACTUALLY CHANGING.

Lastly......don't waste major portions of your life with people who are incapable of reciprocating your love. Be patient....do everything possible to correct problems....but never settle for mediocracy. Being 1/2 in love bites.....and that's not what its about.

Oh...one last thing.....don't buy into the whole..."I'm a man....I don't relate to the whole emotional needy thing". It's crap! All humans have the same feelings. We were wired that way. Some people just like easy excuses. Men want basically the same thing as women.....to love....and be loved in return.


It's just my opinion....I could be wrong" ( Dennis Miller)

Rich

I had a live-in situation almost EXACTLY like yours. Sex once a month, slept on the couch, no intimacy, he liked distance & privacy, and was always noticing women.
He was cheating the whole time. I dumped him when I found out. No second chances with serial cheaters and liars.

Don't settle. Your life is too important. I found someone real & sweet & wonderful and wouldn't dream of sleeping without me. You can find better.