My spouse and I are seriously talking about implementing Plan B. A couple of questions.

What contact if any should the two spouses have during separation?
Should the "cheating" spouse still be able to see the kids?

I know this plan has it's risks, but we are just spinning our wheels and Plan A is not working.

Is there a rule of thumb as far as a time table? One month, six months?

Thank you in advance for answering my questions.

(I posted this in the Plan A Plan B section, but did not seem to get a response.)

You don't 'negotiate' plan B with your WS. They don't get a say in how it works.

The BS sets the criteria in which they'll accept the WS back. PERIOD.

There's no negotiation here...and there's not a set timeframe unless the BS wants it.

For that matter, you don't negotiate plan A either.

Could you provide some background here for us to understand your situation better?

Plan A and Plan B are something for the BETRAYED SPOUSE that the WS should never know about. Do you have Surviving an Affair? I would suggest reading up on the plans first and THEN using them.

What do you mean Plan A is not working? Can you be more specific about what is going on?
Here are a couple of articles that might be helpful:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Plan A: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2858269

My H and I are both in our early 30's. We have two kids. One three and one four months. We were friends for years and then got married. We have been married for about 11 years.

We have always gotten along, but he was never there for me emotionally. He is always sweet, respectful, never rude or abusive. He and I both are wonderful parents.

A few months ago I suspected and affair, but I never said anything. In August he told me. He still sees her from time to time and admits it to me. Not in a bragging way though. He says it is an addiciton that he cannot break.

He has done TONS of research on how to work on marriage, stop affairs etc. He has let me read a lot of it too. In fact he showed me this website.

He says he knows that the best thing for all parties involved is for us to stay together, but he admits his weakness and addiction to her. We both hope that plan B will be the kick in the pants he needs.

He said he would not live with her and would take on another job to afford the extra rent. He wants to still see the kids. I go back and forth on that issue.

We share a mutual respect. He does not hate me and I do hate him. He has come from a brutally abusive childhood and has become a very successful man (at least in the business world). I respect him for not letting his past keep him down.

In turn he respects me as a mother and as a good person.

So does this litany help any?

I see. So essentially he wants to use Plan B as a way to move out and continue his affair without your interference? Rather than ending the affair and working on the marriage, he wants to pursue his affair? I think I understand now.

Have you exposed his affair, zimmy?

I have the same feeling as Melody.

What do you mean by he was never there emotionally?

The best thing for all parties is for him to END HIS AFFAIR. If he wants to break his addiction, that is what he will do by ending his affair. He is simply using "Plan B" as an excuse to move out so he can be with the OW without your interference. He is not doing it to help your marriage, but to help his AFFAIR.

Do you understand you are being played, zimmy?

He does not have much of a family, but what he does have he will tell and I will mine.

Actually I respect his honesty. I would rather him be honest than the lies I have dealt with this past few months.

What he has done was VERY selfish. But I respect the honesty we have now. It does not make me feel any better, but at least respectful.

If he does "pursue" the affair, I would rather him do that in the open and in honesty than lying to me. If his pursuit does not end, there will be a lawsuit. At least then I would be able to respect and not resent him.

Thanks for your input MelodyLane, but you did not really answer any of my questions. I am not here to crucify my husband. Plan B is an option and I would like to know the parameters.

Sorry you replied before I did.

Yes ending the affair is the best option. It is not an option now. That is why we are looking at plan B

zimmy, you're about to make a huge mistake here.

Plan B is not "we agree to separate".

Plan B is the BS saying, "I am removing myself from this threesome unless and until the WS agrees to No Contact with the OP and recommits fully to the marriage."

Do you see the difference?

And yes, ending the affair is always an option. Your husband is making the CHOICE right now to keep his girlfriend instead of his wife.

Melody is right. You are being played. I hope you can see this.
Mulan

"I am removing myself from this threesome unless and until the WS agrees to No Contact with the OP and recommits fully to the marriage."

I'm not sure of the acronym BS, but that is exactly how I feel. I do not want to live where we are now. I do not want a divorce either. I cannot make his choices for him so I am looking at my options. Right now that is plan B. Until he decides to cut off all contact with the OW/girlfriend whatever, our marriage cannot grow.

One thing that would help...have any of you who have replied used plan B?

Just curious.

Have you exposed this affair to all your family members? Is the OW married? Do they work together?

I will soon. She does not work with him. They do not work togehter.

zimmy, exposure is ruinous to affairs,. do you know this? Exposing to his parents, her parents, close friends, spouses is devastating to affairs. But you cannot tell your H you are going to do this. Who can you expose to?

Is the OW married?

I've been in Plan B for the last 2 and a half years. It was a lifesaver for me. It got me off the rollercoaster, and life was calm again.

The dangerous part of Plan B for a marriage is that the betrayed spouse MUST learn to make a good life - there is no other option. So if the infidel doesn't end the affair quickly, the betrayed spouse may prefer to end the marriage.

Thanks. What is your thought about the cheating spouse seeing the kids during the PlanB?

Zimmy,

This makes no sense to me. He's calling all the shots here...you're just sitting there taking it. He's suggesting plan B...again, making NO sense. What he's asking for here is that you allow him to go live with OW with no interference or repercussions from you, but you dont divorce him if he does.

What you NEED to do, before you do ANYTHING else, is to actually take steps to make him end the affair. He's using the addiction as an EXCUSE...which is garbage!!!

You need to call him on the carpet...you need to expose. WITHOUT HIS AGREEMANT!!!

Expose the affair to anyone/everyone who will hold him accountable for his actions. Right now, you're letting him 'get away' with his affair. He's still doing it, and he's not suffering any consequences for it.

Expose. Go get some marriage counseling. Don't ask his permission. Tell him you've tolerated his stuff long enough, and it's time for him to man up and start doing HIS part in fixing things. Right now, he's simply using MB and marriage recovery terminology to allow him to continue his affair.

If there was ever a situation on this site that warranged an ultimatum, it's this one. IMVHO.

"He's using the addiction as an EXCUSE...which is garbage!!!"

Actually that is not entirely accurate. There are articles on this website that emphasize as much.

Well he is not going to live with the OW. We have tried plan A and it is not working. I am looking for another solution.

He is unaware, but I had an affair during our engagement years ago. I broke it off and it was hard. It took me a year to end it for good. I can empathize with his struggle. His choice, like mine, was a selfish warped thing to do; however, he is not a murder or child molester nor am I.

Again, we are going to expose the affair. Not in a hateful way, but to live a life of honesty.

Owl,

Have you been through plan B? If so, I have some questions for you. If not, I would like to get some advice from those who have and have done so successfully.

Finally, we are both going to marriage counseling. We are going to go on our own and then together.

I still have some questions about whether he should be able to see the kids or not and to what degree we should communicate during plan B.

I think not seeing the kids would tear him apart and in a matter of weeks he would come running back. However, I want him to come back 100% because of ME not our kids.

Nope, not been through plan B. Based on your request, I'll offer you no more advice. Good luck.