My husband who moved out Sunday called this morning to talk to our son on the way to school-he asked me what I was going to do for Christmas. I said I was still taking our son to Disneyland-he said that he was still planning on visiting his mom and wanted to know if I wanted to still do the plans that we had discussed which was visit his family and then go to Disneyland and make the best of it. He said we can go and make the best of it. I dont know what to do-this is not a planned plan b-we are going to meet later to discuss things.
What should I say to him if he tells me that he doesnt love me like his wife anymore? I know he does but it is buried down under all this crap. What is a good response to that?

You really need to keep this on one thread so new people reading your story can follow it.

You are not in plan B yet. You found out not that long ago, and you need to do plan A for a while longer so he can recognize some of the changes you are making (even if he doesn't live with you) before you go to plan B. Enjoy the trip, meet his ENs the best you can (after all this is your best chance if he has already moved out), and either ignore or reverse babble what he says. He is a WS. He will say some mean things. Imaging that he is on crack. Would you take anything he says seriously when he is high on crack. Physialogically speaking, the brain response of a person who is in an affair and a person who is high on crack is the same. It triggers the same response in the brain. Just try and enjoy the trip and view it as an opportunity to improve your situation.

Trust me, jrobin, if you follow our advice you will repair your marriage, but it will likely take much more time than you would like. Your situation is much better than most who come to these boards. I would compare affairs to cancer, the earlier you detect it and treat it, the more likely you are to cure it. I believe you caught it before it developed into a PA, so you just have to give it the proper treatments (and chemotherapy sucks), but you will most likely get through this. Just like a cancer patient, a person who believes that they are going to make it and is willing to fight has a much better chance than someone who is depressed about their situation, and won't listen to their "doctor's" suggestions.

jrobin,

Go with what the two of you had planned. Go as a family and be at your best. Show him what a wonderful person, wife and mother you are. Don't spend time talking about any problems. Let him see how nice it is to be in "the" family. If he didn't care at all he would be gone. He does care deep inside and you need to show him a reason to keep carring.

M2L

We talked and we are going-he said he told his family we are apart-he said he told them that he had a friendship with another woman and I told him to choose and he couldnt make the deicison I wanted so he left. He said that his mom is very upset and wants us to work things out. He said that he has not made any decisions -he is confused he said. He said he loves me but not in the way he should. I know its in there though!! He said that maybe we could meet for dinner tonight and then maybe get together sometimes (kind of like a date). So we are spending Christmas together. He was not wearing his wedding ring though. He said he didnt know why but he took it off. It was on his keyring. He seems so mixed up and confused. I asked him if he felt their friendship had gotten out of control and he said yes. I dont know what his contact with her is right now.

Can you see if he will talk to Dr. Harley? Tell him it would be a Christmas present to you. Dr. Harley is very convincing to WHs. Just a suggestion.

Also, did you read my post above? I think if you want to fix your situation quicker you need to start controlling your behavior around him more. Just keep a quiet confidence when you are around him that you know things will work out in the end, but he needs some time to work things out. Continue with a good plan A. These things don't fix themselves overnight. M2L waited 7 months before his wife started coming around. Just be patient. I don't know your personally, but I'm 99% sure your marriage will be saved if you listen to the advice of the people on this forum. You need to be that confident as well.

I think we all have heard the I love you , but not in that kinda way. They ALL say the same thing.

Jim is right about me waiting 7 months. Thanks Jim for all you words of encourgement. Big help.

My time line:

1st 5 days - pi55ed a heII

then I said to myself - my wife would not have done this if she was happy at home and with me. So I set out to better me. Than is when I found MB and started Plan A

2-3 months into it I felt cheated by life. Other people I would see around town seemed happy, not me though.

4-5 months into it I felt it was getting old and I was getting tired of Plan A, but keep going.

6 month into it I felt like I was done and I deserved more in life and from a wife than I was getting. I was looking a apartments. Jim and others here were telling me to stay home not to move out.

This whole time I was bettering myself, changing things my wife complained about and pulling away from her E wise. It was then when I knew that I could live without her and still be happy. This happened about 3 days before she crashed.

It takes time and hard work. One of the best things you can do for you is to keep busy and come off as a strong person.

M2L

Do you believe that it is possible to still have a plan A even though he has moved out. He told me this morning maybe moving out was good because we were spending more time together and it wasnt changing his feelings for me and so maybe having time apart will make him realize what he has.

I spoke to his mother to make sure she was comfortable with me coming there for Christmas and she said he told her he found someone that makes him happy-I said it's a married woman and she said I know.

Yes, you can plan A even though he is gone. You need to take all that info you have and talk to OWH. Show him the cell phone bills. Tell him what your MIL told you. Let him know what he is up against.

He is truly living in fantasy land thinking that another woman who is married can make him happy forever. Just stick with the program and make sure fantasyland starts crumbling down when OWH puts a stop to this when he finds out what is truly going on.

Don't count on help from MIl or any of his family. They love him for who he was not just who he is now.

Plan A is about you becoming a better person by working on your short comings so yes you can still do a good plan A and need to ASAP. Don't beg or nag your H. If you are spending more time like it is then keep it up. Spend all the time you can together. No ILYs or R talk, just fun fun fun. Pizza and movies, you two take your kid to an arcade for a while, drive around to see Christmas lights (nice family thing) - have you heard fake it till you make it??? It is very true - fake your fun until it becomes fun.

Let him spend LOTS of time with the better you, he WILL see it even if he doesn't say anything about it.

M2L

Can anyone give advice about talking to Steve Harley while my husband is still involved with other woman?? I dont know the extent of their contact right now sice he isnt living at home but I do believe the contact is still there. She is going on vacation with her family for 2 weeks on Sunday so that will help with the seeing each other but maybe not phone calls. IF I was able to get my husband to talk to Steve Harley would it be of any benefit if he is still in contact with her?? Do you suggest I maybe have an appointment with him alone 1st to get a game plan??

We went out to dinner tonight (alone) beofre our sons Christmas program. He said do me a favor when your talking to people about our situation dont tell them about **** (said other womans name) I am sick of people knowing my business -he siad he went to work on Monday and someone we work with brought it up-I said yeah I talke dto him Sun night because we were all supposed to go out and I called him to tell him we were going and when he asked why I told him and I told him the truth. He said well leave her out of this.

Still thinking of making appt with Steve Harley any thoughts on that?

My husband was really different yesterday. In addition to asking me to keep other woman out of my conversations with peole he was distant. Back in Aug when he said he wanted to leave he was very distant too-wouldnt talk much and wuld look at me. He was like that last night. We were eating and he kept looking over my head or out window. I said is it hard for you to look at me he said no but didnt change much. Monday-the day after he left he told me 1st he loved me Tues we said it too-nothing Wed and yesterday he said it after I did but then later said he loves me but not like he should.

I guess his actions could either mean he is more involved with her so pulling back from me or feeling guilty-I guess it's hard to know.

We are going to CA together for Christmas and now I feel he wanted to go with us to relieve his guilt-does that make sense?

I read the thread about fear and it makes so much sense-what am I afraid of? I love him and want this to work out but I need to come to the point where I want him but dont need him.

Sounds like he had contact with the OW yesterday and it brought him back into the fog.

Get that appointment! Do it alone at first - don't try to force your husband. You are doing very, very well, but can probably use the help.

I filled out the form for them to contact me about making an appt-hopefully I can one soon!

I got an appt for Monday morning.

My husband called and spoke to our son this afternoon and didnt ask to speak to me-I suppose that is normal but it sure does hurt. I dont know if I mentioned it but hes not wearing wedding ring-is that common or a really bad sign?

My wife hasn't worn hers since July. It is not uncommon at all.

Hi jrobin,
My H & I took our daughters to Disney World in the midst of separations. I thought it might be the last time we would ever have a vacation together and decided to enjoy it. We all did have fun, and looking back it's a pretty good memory in a very bad time.

Your H taking off his wedding ring is usual and, a sign that he's probably beginning to present himself as "less" married.

Or, it's possible he never did like wearing a ring. My H & I have been back together for a long time and he still doesn't wear his ring. And, I wear 2 other rings that he gave me on my ring finger and not my wedding rings.

Marriages can be recovered after separation. I found that when we were separated the household tension decreased, because when he was home, I wanted to know what he was doing/thinking/planning...and he didn't want to talk to me at all.

I did a long Plan A, perhaps too long at 18 months. I used to say I failed at Plan B twice, but in retrospect, I did Plan B twice for short periods of time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Call Steve Harvey for YOU because you definitely will be living with yourself for the rest of your life and at this point will want to follow a plan of action that will let you to feel you did your part to lead to restoring your marriage.

It does give hope to hear of marriages that made it through after separation-right now it feels like a death sentence to me. I have to agree with what you said though about less tension for me at home-I dont sleep as well as I did but I do worry less about what he's doing and trying to check his cell phone to see who he has called and searching his truck. I too would sit and act interested in what we were watching on tv or whatever but was always wondering what's he planning or thinking...it is emotionally draining.

Lor-did your husband ever say anything to you about not loving you like a wife-just as a friend or something similar? Whats a good reverse babble on that?

I would say, if you love me as a friend then why don't you text and call me 30 times a day, too.