Two Doctors

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two doctors opened an office in a small town in Kentucky and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysteria's and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go.

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Still no good. How about "Minds and Behinds"? Nope.

So they tried "Lost Souls and [censored] Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nutts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", nor "Loons and Moons" work either.

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought may be acceptable to the council.

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." It was approved.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Here's a cute one...

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

History Of Medicine Joke

History Of Medicine Joke
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen,

say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is

superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake

oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is

ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is

artificial. Here, eat this root.

Expert on Parenting! Humor!

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living?

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Biologist Studies Frogs.

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

Doctor's Toast

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

"Upset is Unhealthy"

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

"Too Much Analysis"


Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."


The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that???"

"Feel Better Now"

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

" Promoting an Office "

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

"Solving a Problem"

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

" Finish the Start"

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Visit to the Doctor Joke

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

Hearing Voices Joke!

Man: Doc, you've gotta help me. I'm hearing voices but I don't see people.

Doc: And when are you hearing these voices?

Man: When I'm on the telephone.

" Blame on the Meds "

A nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.

The supervisor couldn't believe it.
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled.

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her "airbag" into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

Hand it to the Doc's!

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After their "bleep session", she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?" "I didn't feel a thing"

"The Coffee Break"

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color coded."


"You're all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."