Background:
Jump to the summer of 2003. I vacationed for 2 months at my parents beach house while my wife was at work at home. I had so much faith in our relationship that I had no issue with this and she was in favor of this also becuase she wanted me to enjoy the last summer off before college graduation. I came home and found some Astrology love match paper with OM birthdate on it (strange ocurrence I thought). Within 2 months, I had the OM wife calling to talk to my wife. They were fellow co-workers who shared books, CDs, and other interests. Her claim was they were only friends. I did not investigate any further.

This crushed me and rather than addressing it, I worked my way into withdrawal. This was a serious withdrawal in which I experienced weight loss/gain and could not relate to her at all. She tried to make up for it but I could not connect. (This withdrawal lasted until the EA was exposed and shocked me out of it.)

Jump forward to now. Earlier this year I suspected an A as she was eager to rid herself of her wedding band at any fight. I found another love horoscope profile with WS and OM on the spy software I bought. I found a profession of her love on Bebo which was when she confessed(She basically left it for me so that she could relieve her guilt, I believe).

She admitted to an EA with no PA. This man is co-worker which she says moved to a different work area. She still seems depressed(at times) over this OM but I don't belive I will ever know the whole truth. She states there is NC in this new position due to break rotations/etc. Evidently, the OM wife called her at work back in June and there has been NC since then. She appears to be making a good effort at reconciliation so this is positive step. Also, I have been concentrating on the LB.

Few questions I have are:
How long should this withdrawal from OM last normally?

Should I call the OM wife since my wife stated that she knows and called her @ work? I do not want to start any more trouble for her unnecessarily since it is app. 6 months from her call to my wife.

Any help is appreciated

please clarify, is this still the 1st OM or the 2nd?

How long have you been married?

Are there any children from the marriage?

I have a lot of problems with that situation.

Why would you choose to voluntarily be apart from your W for two months? Didnt you think you'd miss her? Did you miss her? I'd be worried that my spouce would AGREE to this situation.

Seriously, I'd not want to be married to someone who'd leave me for TWO MONTHS for a 'vacation'. Why be married? Have you apologized for choosing that vacation over your marriage?


OTOH, I'd bet you'd get a better idea of the situation if you called OMW.

Are you in Plan A? Read up on Plan A, and work on meeting your W's top EN's. Eliminate your LB's. I have no idea how long withdraw 'normally' lasts.

Hang in there, and read up on the basic concepts on this site. Please take care - Dru

please clarify, is this still the 1st OM or the 2nd?
2nd (1st was in 2003, just friends) (2nd 2006 EA)
How long have you been married?
12 years
Are there any children from the marriage?
3 (14 boy, 11 boy, 4 girl)

Regarding the vacation, my children wanted to stay for the balance of the summer. She encouraged me to stay with them because I could not expect my parents to care for them safely.

I am working hard on eliminating the LB and working on EN. I have read up on plan A and read HNHN. It makes alot of sense and is helping me get through all of this.

No one is perfect and maybe I did make a mistake to leave for the summer, in hindsight. Since she was encouraging me and I had full trust, I felt it was OK to stay.

Straight from the MB Basic Concepts: Couples need to spend at least 15 hours a week meeting each others emotional needs. Staying away from several months was a mistake. You need to recognize that if you are going to make the changes necessary to save your marriage.

P.S. You can always tell your children "no."

I understand and agree that couples need to spend 15 hours together per the marriage builder recommendation. I also understand that you can tell your children "No". However, I would expect, from a mutually agreed upon situation, not to have to worry about any issues with OM. But, as stated prior, I agree that this vacation was a mistake in hindsight which I will not repeat.

I guess my question before boils down to: With the plan A (carrot and stick) does the stick need to be used if my wife exposed herelf to me after the OM's spouse had exposed earlier? Her exposure was in June(with phone call to my wife) and this was revealed to me in Nov. Then I wonder if it's useful or if it would cause more trouble for OMS.

Thanks

Withdrawal is complicated because they still work together. Though they "claim" not to see each other anymore I'm betting you and OM's wife are not at all comfortable with them still being near each other. "No Contact" means NONE, NADA, ZIP. Even eye contact from far away keeps the fantasy alive and complicates withdrawal. Your "stick" in Plan A is likely going to be..."time to get a new job as I'm not comfortable with you remaining working anywhere near OM". In recovery, it's HER job to make you feel safe. Any hesitantcy on her part is a strong indication she remains foggy.

I say call OM's wife. Hopefully, she can fill you in on the details you are lacking. What will be interesting is just how fast your wife will discover you called OM's Wife. If she's in NO CONTACT and finds out 20 minutes after your call...that's a pretty good indication they remain in pretty close contact. Another clue...if wife gets really upset with you for calling OM's wife, that also is a good indication they want things to remain secret and you are interferring with their addiction to each other.

With more details we can more adequately assist you devising a plan. Don't forewarn your wife and don't bring her here yet. You can't teach her so just keep reading and posting and we'll bring you along step by step. If you can afford it...call the Harley's yourself for the best counseling money can buy.

Mr. Wondering

Well, I finally grew the nads to call the OMS. It was certainly an eye opening experience. Turns out the OMW never called my WS at work. I confronted her upon this and told her I needed to hear the "truth". She stated that the EA was really a PA (I had already had that feeling) one time only.

The OMS also confirmed that he moved lines at work and had been off work for some time. (This she stated to me as a reason not to change shifts at work). She was very apologetic and sobbing when she revealed the PA to me. I was understanding since it was not a shock and told her I just want the truth so we can move forward. I honestly hurt for her more than myself at this point.

I honestly think it was more than the 1 time she said but will likely never know (or really care). By the way she acts, I think the PA/EA had reached the point where she was ready to leave and he bailed on her. She states that anyone she ever cared about has "left" her and I could hear the pain when she talked about the OM and the A. This is where I feel he did something horrible to end the A. I was not an angel either, I was in deep withdrawal for 2 years prior to PA and have been on AD's for the whole time. Ironically, this EA/PA revelation has brought closure to that and I feel better with each day. That's weird.

I guess now I need to contact OMS again and let her know of the PA. Going forward, I guess my next step is to try and understand what led to this and continue to work to meet the EN's. Any advise is appreciated. Especially Melody Lane, I always love your straight shooting no-nonsense take. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />