I found out a few wks ago that my H of 20 yrs is in a second affair and he definitely wants out of our marriage. We tried to work thru things after his first affair 5 yrs ago but here we are back at square one. Due to financial concerns I filed right away for divorce even though I am morally and religiously opposed to it. I do believe in my gut though that down this long road I will be better off emotionally.Due to our long marriage and complicated financial situation(we are joint owners of a new small biz) our attorney said this could take 18 mo to work thru! Of course when I told H this he is trying to negotiate directly with my attorney to speed things along. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think is that the entire infrastructure of my life is about to fall out. I have been a SAHM to 3 kids for 20 yrs, we need to sell our house soon as we can't continue to afford it and I"m trying to not be in denial that is really going to happen whether I want it to or not. Did any of you feel this way??? How did you deal with your fears and anxieties about the future? Did you feel panicky? Thanks for your replies.

I completely understand that you are more scared of the future than you've been scared of anything in your whole life. It will take time, probably many many months. But one day you will wake up and be grateful that you are no longer in a relationship that isn't enough for you or your husband. Better things will come your way - I am certain of it. If nothing else you will have a peace of mind that you will find great comfort in. The financial thing will work itself out. You will suceed. You will cope and you will come out better. In the end you don't want to be in a relationship that isn't valued by your partner. I wish you well. I'm almost two years post separation and every day I feel a bit better...but the first weeks and months were very difficult. Hang in there..you will be fine.

Talk to your lawyer about the financial concerns. Don't rush out and get a job without talking to your lawyer. Since you've been a SAHM for so long, you may qualify for alimony until the children are older.

I know I got through the divorce and later a major career change by some prayer and trusting God. God wanted my life to be a success, he wanted what was best for me, and if I trust him, and his promptings I'd be fine

You sound like you have a logical head in thinking of the divorce, and filing for financial protection was necessary for many of us.
There are many great resources to help you, and your children through a divorce. I found a local seperated/divorced support group just after my X left, and that was a lifesaver. It was a source of emotional support, advice, and even knowledge of the local court systems, and resources. Look in your local paper, or check with your pastor for some of these resources.

For the children, many areas have grief counseling groups at a local hospital or church. I highly recommend www.rainbows.org. This group could even benefit the oldest child, because they may have seen more than you are willing to acknowledge and need a different perspective on their current situation.
A great book to get is "mom's house/dad's house" which helps you as a parent find the best parenting time solutions for your family, and gives advice for which you don't want or need to pay your attorney. There are many other great books too.
And finally, a great counselor is a godsend during the stress of divorce. Mine took 18 months from filing to completion, with a small business. Know that when you believe things will be settled, it will be postponed, again, and again and again. We've seen that alot on this site.

Good luck.

Hello there,

It is very normal for you to feel anxious and panicky about all that is happening.Divorce is such a major life crisis.You need all the support you can get through this tough time.You need to take good care of yourself too: eat right,try to get plenty of sleep,stay hydrated with water,exercise,see friends,stay educated about the process.

The infrastructure of your life is changing.Personally,I took it one day at a time and did all that I recommended above.In my case there was a LOT of money to be haggled over,an expensive home,retirement funds,the works.

What will be beneficial is if you both can work together in mediation or at least without aggressive, opposing lawyers out for their own gain.We started out in Mediation,that broke down to the afore mentioned aggressive,opposing perosnal lawyers which was so bad it was like a TV movie,then we got back on track with mediation and agreements on how to settle.It wasn't easy by any means but the main goal was to be fair and to not let the lawyers get as much money out of us as possible.That was probably our saving "grace".

And you also have to accept certain realities.One,for example,was that I too was a SAHM for many years while my ex advanced his career.Ultimately I did go back to work.Despite what I thought would happen,I still had to go back to work as part of our agreement in that I did want to contribute to the kids futures and for myself.The alternative was to see if I could get a large alimony/child support payment from my ex for life but I would have been in court spending thousands of dollars for many months even years trying to get it,if I did.So we compromised.Having my own income again was also very gratifying and made me feel more secure.It was scary but I did it and I am glad for the decision I made.

So,how are YOU doing right now? It must be a shock to be going through another affair again.I am so sorry.Once is bad enough but doing that again to you,the man is just ...well nevermind.He doesn't deserve you to say the least.I think you did right by filing.Once a cheater always a cheater? Who knows.I happen to agree as my ex had an EA after 5 years of marriage then an EA/PA 3+ years ago that was the last straw for me and I filed too.

Remember to take care of youself for you and your kids ok? My divorce was always on my mind too until it seemed to become settled with both of us and the agreements were sound.It's exhausting and emotionally crippling at times.Keep telling yourself you will make it out alive and that it's ok.It's rough but I for one am here to say you can survive.Hang in there.

I hope you get a very good attorney. My WH and I own a business too. Married 12 years, no children together, I have always worked and I still work at our business, even though he has had a few PA with employees,,,yeah, I know..how dumb is that...

Anyway,,,my attorney does not want me to D him...I don't know your financial situation, but it may be financially beneficial to remain M..keep the small biz together but live separate lives. Depending on your salary and his he probably will still have to pay alimoney/cs..

Be careful...if he wanted out so bad why didn't he file???

Hugs...

Thanks for all your replies. My WH has been extra nice to me and the kids this past wk which actually had me wondering if we might get back together. But today he got angry with me because I had to add more to our credit card for my attorney's retainer increasing due to him hiring an attorney himself a few days ago. Then he got mad at me because I told him I won't relist the house for sale until my attorney says I can. He is freaking out because we've been paying for this $$$ house with his severance pay( he was laid off in August and started his own small biz soon after) and we already had listed the house for 6 mo and then we took it off around Thanksgiving time because it hadn't sold and we were planning to change realtors.He is in a rush to put it back on the market.Honestly this is a long pattern in our marriage- he blames me for things that make him upset whether they are my fault OR NOT!I have just started going to therapy to try to gain more confidence in dealing with him. He is a perfectionist who likes to be in control. I do think he wants a divorce but now that its starting to impact him financially he's having a fit!

Have you read the book "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia evans? Based on your description above, this book could be an eyeopener to you. It deals with emotional abuse too, and gives you ways of how to deal with this type of person.