ive been married for 12 years and my wife was a wild one before i met her.we have 3 beautiful children, (one from before we met,witch ive raised since she was 1).our marriage is just like living with your worst enemy(on her part at least) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> i have had her own family tell me to watch her because of her past. i went to counseling to try to help me with my depression and the way i think about her. its so bad im having panic attacks from all of the worrying.about 2 years ago my wifes best freind called me and told me she was chating with a guy on the computer. she hated to tell me but it really bothered her.i decided to get a keystroke log on my computer to find out the truth and it only took 6 hours to find out it was true. it was really bad, sexual offers, telling him her work schedule and everything else. when i confronted her, she laughed and told me it was no big deal. the worse part of it is that half of her relatives are cheating on theyre other halfs. so i have a hard time believing that she is faithful to me.when i told my couseler about it she flipped and told me that i was wrong for invading her privacy on the computer. i dont know anyone who wouldnt have done the same thing under the circumstances.she just makes me feel that she is hiding something from me. i think that 2 years of worring and upsetting myself is enough. i am told on a daily basis that she hates me, im in denial, im the worse thing that has ever happened to her, ect. for some strange reason i still love her and why. could someone help me out

Hiya, D1...Welcome to MarriageBuilders.

I'm with Linn (who posted on your other thread)...great job on awareness...get a new counselor, 'k?

I wanted to let you know you're not alone...I think you've read enough posts to know you aren't nuts or defective. I hope you're healing in that direction.

Now...I believe you would be better served here if you were to copy this post and move it to the Infidelity: General Questions II forum. I say this because it gets the most traffic...and because, whether it's real or not, infidelity is playing a part in your marriage.

Infidelity comes from a wayward state of mind...entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Whether or not there is an affair at present, this mindset seems evident in your posts...and examining this in yourself and your partner is worthwhile, IMO.

Respect must be understood, committed to and present to remedy the lack of intimacy in your marriage...which is you knowing and sharing who you really are, and your wife knowing and sharing who she really is...that's intimacy.

When she says she hates you...do you listen and repeat? "I hear you saying you hate me, is that correct?" I ask because repetition denies a lot of truth...so stating something everyday invalidates it to the person who states it...know that.

Learn about what respect is...knowing that her feelings, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions are hers...her stuff. You cannot cause, control or cure her of her stuff. You have your own. You're both separate and equal human beings.

As for some strange reason you still love her...please consider choosing to believe love is a choice, not a feeling...our feelings result from our beliefs...you choose to believe you love her and have those resulting feelings. You're coming close to understanding that humans don't earn love and punishment...they are made lovable as the beings they are. We love the essence, not the actions...and usually, from my experience, we all grow up differently believing the opposite.

Painful way to live. Our choice.

What books are you reading to help yourself understand your depression, what it's signalling to you about you? I recommend John Bradshaw's books, "Healing the shame that binds us" and "Homecoming"...I had depression for most of my life...I don't fear it coming back, ever again. You can get there, as well.

"Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend may also help you with your depression...and understanding human relationships.

Did you read all of Harley's stuff here on this website? About The Love Bank, Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs) and the four rules of marriage?

Thank you for being here and seeking connection to how other humans deal with what you're experiencing right now...congratulate yourself, as Linn suggested, for taking action on your behalf, which will benefit your marriage (you're half of it)...and consider the wayward state of mind....

Entitlement fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Let it be your guide in understanding what each of those things are, where they come from and how you've had them in your life for all of it. I think you'll unlock a lot of what your depression is, what it's telling you...and live in true freedom when you get a handle on what you're really responsible for (and what you're not)...and live life from a premise of respect...which is what I did.

Btw, I was very much like your wife three years ago...we've been together 20 years, married nearly 18 of them...I had two children born out of wedlock when we married...and my H adopted them...and we had another together...so I relate to both of you...living from my feelings instead of my beliefs (like living second-hand); choosing to be reactive instead of active...not knowing where I ended and others began.

I remember.

LA

I would get another counselor first of all.