Yes I guess thats true. She really doesn't seem to want to talk lately.Maybe I am picking a bad topic I don't know.
I truly love her with all my heart . I try to stop thinking about how I was tricked all this time. It is really hard to act happy.I have a hard time trying not to "fix" whats wrong right now.
Thursday I am seeing my doctor about this depression, is it depression or am I just feeling sorry for myself? Would medication at this time numb me to reality?
I am fighting a good fight I know. How can I stop trying to stop the hurtfeelings I have for myself and think about making her feel loved?

which questionaires are appropriate right now? Should I try any in particular now?

Harley prepared a list of questions for husband and wife to fill out and compare, and discuss, called the emotional needs questionairre.

Someone smarter than I can either post the link for you or tell you where to find it.

I know you feel kicked to the curb right now, but take heart in the the fact that you are "manning up", and doing what has to be done to save your marriage.

Don't think of this as a sprint, because it will take up to and beyond 2 years to recover a marriage. But once you are on the path to recovery, after the affair ends, it begins to get better, however painstakingly slow. This is a marathon, so breathe deeply and pace yourself.

Best wishes,
SD

HOw accurate will her emotional needs questionaire be if those needs have been met by some other guy until this past friday?

I think I would assume they are conversation, and admiration. How has your sex life been through all of this?

Well, I think I screwed up last night. I saw her looking at om picture on computer. I said do you really think that is helping? I told her how much I was trying to be supportive of her feelings right now . I also let her know how bad I have been feeling, I said it seemed like she wasn't even trying.She said she's very confused right now and feels smothered.Still NC though unless looking at his pic is considered contact.? Am i in too much of a hurry? Was that counterproductive of me?

No, you need to keep snooping. When she is away, delete his picture. Make sure you have a keylogger on the computer. Remember how I told you my WW called OM on a prepaid calling card. Well, she just did it again last weekend. I found out last night (and I was crushed). Only because I snooped. Her affair is an addiction that she needs help to get over. Don't love bust, but stand your ground and defend your boundaries. Ask her to remove the picture, but if she doesn't, do it yourself. His picture will only complicate your recovery.

Post deleted by chicagodad

We know exactly how you feel. The discovery of a spouse in an affair affects nearly every BS (betrayed spouse) almost exactly the same. It is horrible. But it is normal. All your feelings are exactly normal, so KNOW that you, like many others here can survive this.

YOU, are the miracle, by the way. You are her miracle, the one that allows her to return to a marriage that she chose to damage.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is keep Marriage Builders to yourself for now. Produce the EN questionairre but don't tell her where it came from. When a WS is in the throws of addiction/the affair, MB is the enemy. It is also your playbook for ending the affair and having your WW return to the marriage. DA BEARS would not furnish their "opponent" their playbook, now would they? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there cd...you will prevail!

Best wishes,
SD

Thank you sd, damn near made me cry there. I was just thinking. Is there a section here where I can read about succesful recoveries. Maybe get a glimmer of hope. All of the reading I have done so far has been about pain and devastation. Really brings me down . I know it's important to see that I am not alone. It's just hard to keep a happy persona at home when I am always so down.

LOL... when you get through all this, you will find you have become more sensitized to all things emotional, probably a good thing for us "men" who typically remain unemotional except for the loss of our favorite sports teams. LOL!

You might look at some of the "Recovery" forums. There are some success stories there, and periodic updates at different milestones, as people choose to post.

My own recovery still has moments, believe me, but for the most part we are dealing with flaws in our own character that was part of the problem with our marriage before the affairs. But many of the triggers go away, and discussion about the affair goes away. We are still fighting to keep a marriage that was better than the one before, and it takes focus and concentration to keep from falling into a day-to-day routine where you forget to make your spouse the Number 1 priority in your life. If everyone did just that, like Harley's rules of Care and Protection, there'd be a lot fewer people needing advice here!

Scroll through the posts and you'll find an occasional update from different posters, both in Recovery, and here in GQII. Read all you can here, and you'll pick up all kinds of ideas and information you can use. If you haven't bought Surviving an Affair by Harley, you really need to. It will arm you with so much information that you can use in your efforts, and all the advice you get here will be based on Harley's principals.

Since your W is in the FOG, it will be up to you to carry the burden of steps to recovery your marriage. That's just the way it is. It's horribly unfair, and makes no sense at all, but she's "sick" with an addiction, and it is up to you to do what you can to help her back to a healthy status.

Unconditional love...

SD

Read the thread "the carrot and stick of Plan A". It has been bumped up to the more current threads on Page One. If you don't see it go to the second or third pages as it settles back.

SD

Does antone know where I would find A marriage counsleor in the Chicago area who has the same ideals as Dr. HArley? I have heard so many horror stories of couples using the wrong thinking marriage counsleors. Should I ask my primary phYsician today? I am going to see him to overcome depression caused by this whole mess. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself , hoping some kinda anti-dep meds will help me keep a cool head. Also should I let my wife know that I am taking these meds if that is the case or would she see me as weak.Looking for pity?

Read Dr. Harley's article, "How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor," posted on the articles link of the website. After that, go to the How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor forum and see if anyone from Chicago has posted a good one. You need to interview prospective MCs and ask them if they are pro-marriage and if they use Dr. Harley's books. That is who you want to go to.

Good morning e1. I apologize for my obvious ignorance. I can't seem to think straight. I have started the plan a thing. Tried to keep a positive appearance no lb's trying to be supportive but am being told I am smothering her. When do I do en's worksheet with her? Is it too early to comsider mc? Shoul I consider marriage builders weekend in Jan . or is it too early to make a diff? I know I am rambling here but can anyone give me a step by step approach? IE what needs to be done before another step etc.

You are doing fine, cd. All your feelings are normal. How else would you expect to feel after having your heart ripped out of your chest and being completely sleep deprived for the past few weeks?

If she's still in contact with him, then I'd say no MC, because it's a waste of money. Once she's been in Withdrawal for 3-5 weeks, and a sense of "normalcy" can be seen in her eyes and actions, then that's a cue that MC could be effective.

However, if she would go to Marriage Builder's weekend in January, it could really hit her in the heart and she could make a big turnaround. On the other hand, if she's still longing too heavily for the OM, it could be a total waste of money.

It's not too early to ask her to fill out the EN questionairre. If still in heavy withdrawal, she'll just fluff through it. If she's turning her thinking around a bit, she may be totally honest, but remember EN's are a moving target, and they may change rather quickly through the recovery journey. SF may not be important today to her, but in 2 months, you may have a willing and enthusiastic partner.

Recovery is pretty much an employment of the Harley principals, but flying by the seat of your pants because every couple has unique dynamics. Trying, though, is important, and if you make mistakes, just apologize, hunker down, and try again. You will make mistakes, trust me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,
SD

what does sf mean?

SF = sexual fulfillment, one of the top ten emotional needs.

Ok spoke with ww last night calmly. She says she just isn't ready to talk about it yet. Told her I feel like I am being tortured . That I don't knowwhat is going on or where it is going. I said my world as I knew it had been flipped upside down . I said in fact I don't even know if the world as I know it will even be here anymore. I said , I really want to know what your needs are . I want to be able to meet those needs and I want to be the man that I need. I told her that I am going to work with her to work through this that I owe it to iur marriage to try to hold it together.I asked her if she even wanted to fix our marriage. She said yes. Thank GOD! She said she isn't sure what she needs that she is very confused right now. I asked her to fill out the questinaire she said ok. We will see. Saw the doc yesterday. He gave me a valium type med to help me calm down and keep a level head.It also allowed me to get a solid nights sleep for the first time in 2 weeks. I am hopeful right now and feel that my wife is truly sorry. Just want to move forward with our marriage and put this whole mess in the past.

Chi dad,

My wife is a FWW that had a EA for about a year. It took me 7 months overall of plan A and 3-4 months of NC for her to "see the light"

Here is a list of things to do and not to do while waiting for the FOG to lift from your wife. Marsh gave it to me and I have a copy of it in my wallet.

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Best wishes,
M2L