I wouldn't ask for details and I wouldn't tell him you despise him. Just apprise him of the facts and let him know that your W has stated she is here to stay. He may be under the impression that she is/has left so you want to correct any misimpressions.

ML,

I has been 20+ days since last contact. Don't you think he should just leave NC alone?

chidad,

What did your WW say to OM in her last contact? Did she end it? If she did, I would just leave good enough alone.

not sure what was said exactly. She told me that I said "either end this with him or ask him to marry you adopt our kids and pay for the mortgage, I am tired of being treated like this and can'ttake anymore" which is what I said. I know now that was the wrong way to handle it. She called him from her cell phone 12/15 they spoke for 40 mins. she says. I asked what he said she said he was mostly quiet. He has been thru a divorce. He told her that a divorce is a terrible thing to go thru and wouldn't want her to have to go thru that. He told her that she needs to get her head straight and then figure out what she needs to do. Wheather it's mc or separation or whatever. He ttold her she needed to take time to make sure she is thinking clearly and then decide how to save our marriage I guess. I am just not certain that NC has been maintained. Wife has a prepaid cell phone , so there is no call record coming thru every month or anything like that. I am just going to keep an eye on the prepaid phone card balance and assume that if it starts dwindling that NC has been broken.

I wish I could talk to a priest or something about this. I am a christian but not affiliated with any church or specific religion for that matter. Could I just walk into any church and ask the father for advice or hope?

Switch her service over to a paid cell phone plan and monitor it. You are the MAN of the house, aren't you? Don't leave any doors open for them to communicate. You need to verify NC is being maintained. Don't leave any windows open.

cd, I think it is harder to recieve conflicting advice than it is to recieve no advice, so I am going to exit your thread and leave this to M2L and Jim.

My reason is b/c there has been NC since Dec 8th or so. I would not want ChiD to call OM and then risk OM calling Mrs Chid. If it is over then let it be. NC is NC.
I would only call OM if there is contact agian. Then do as ML says.

If you call don't ask about details or ask anything from him. Just tell him what ML said. Maybe ask for NC.

It's too bad ML left. I also wanted to get dif points of view when I needed help.

ChiD, you need to talk about the phone cards with your wife one way or another. It makes it too easy for her to call when she has them. This should be your first step.

second step: watch for contact. My wife was down in the dumps after NC. I asked about her feelings and she said "I would be happier if I was talking to OM." Watch for this kinda thing.

third step: spend time with her. Hey, why not take her to LongGrove for a day of shopping and liesure?

Here are your priorities:

1) Continue with plan A. Meet her ENs and avoid LBs.

2) Verify to 99.9% that NC is being maintained. If you can't right now, figure out a way that you can. If she resists or puts up a fight, it is 99.9% certain that contact is still taking place.

3) Remove the ways that she used to contact OM as viable options. Don't let her have calling cards, block his email address, put a software program that blocks access to certain webpages, etc.

4) Continue to snoop to ensure that she isn't finding other ways around your defenses.

If you find out your WW is still in contact w/ OM, then call him up and confront him.

M2L, did you see this comment: "ok 2 different opinions regarding me contacting OM. I am so worn out and don't know what I should do." I don't think a debate over tactics will be helpful to him.

I do however, as I have stated, think he should call the OM and confront him. Just because there has been no admitted contact [he only has HER word] for the past 2 weeks does not mean that contact has ended or won't RESUME in the future. He has no reason to believe the affair has really ended. If he contacts the WW about this contact, then so be it. It will be contact about CONFLICT, which will just cause trouble in the affair.

switching the phone is a great idea. Why didn't I think of that? Sorry ML left too. I need all the advice I can get. Good or bad I will sort it out based on how my wife and I deal with matters. I see my doctor againg today he wanted me back after giving me the Valium a couple weeks ago. I think I'll ask his opinion as well. He is also my wife's doc. I just need to get everything out in the open I am tired of spyingI don't like doing it. I am also exhausted from finding new things everyday which bump my sorry A$# back to square one. I just want it all in one lump sum deal with it right away and move on with our life together happily ever after .

Thanks guys. Don't fight on my account I appreciate differing opinions and would rather see the merits of each debated instead of someone giving up on me. I had the love of my life give up on me years ago and am trying to win her back.

Jim has the best plan right now I think.

Life will get easier the more time that there is NC. Trust us in that ChiD.

It is hard stuff, but one day your wife will be very happy you suck it out with her.

cd, I am not interested in debating the issue, so I will leave you to Jim and M2L. Good luck in getting your wife back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ChiD,
Are you spending time doing fun - upbeat things with your wife? It helps in two ways. 1 - helps you grow togther and 2 - it helps her get thru withdrawals easier.

I have no idea what her EN's are. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I aske dher to fill out the questionaire and she said she is too confused right now. I wish she would pick up my copy of HNHN shr has no clue what I am thinking or reading about all of this advice helps. I just have trouble implementing some of the plans without her help. I really don't feel good about spying on her. I just want it back the way it way 16 yrs ago. I just want my wife back. I just want my life back. I also worry for my little girls , I really believe that they need to live with both parents. I don't want them to have a hard time incorporating themselves into society because we dropped the ball. You hear all the time " the kids will adjust" I don't think they should have to. It wasn't their fault that our marriage is in this sitch unfortunately I think they would feel resposible for it's demise. I don't think hte kids should be asked to "adjust" I think my wife and I should be the ones making adjustments ourselves. I want my warm happy family back I want everlasting peace. I want a wife who loves and respects me again . All I have left that loves me is my little angels. But I tend to be very short with them these days due to lack of sleep and the stress I am in. I really feel bad for that and just want my life back. HELP!

Yes m2l we have been doing fun things together and she actually has been getting close to me again. She seems to be trying. I have always cooked shopped dishes laundry taken care of the kids thru this whole affair because she was online from the minute she walked into the door until after I went to bed. Now she is there with us helping with the meals , dishes , kids. Shopping etc. Have you read about "my" problems in the past? In this thread I talked about my issues with porn drinking etc. I wonder if she thinks I will relapse and break her heart again. I think you guys are right I just need to give her time to fall in love with me again. Meanwhile I beat myself up about this every night and day.Just taking the one day at a time approach. If only I could get her to open up to me and get thru all of the secrets maybe they won't be as bad as my wild imagination.

I'm just going to interrupt your pity party here just for a little bit.

1) You don't like snooping on her - tough, you need to snoop to save your marriage. Suck it up.

2) If she won't fill out the EN questionnaire, you fill it out how you think she would. I'll give you a clue. Conversation and admiration are probably near the top considering this was a long distance affair. Think to yourself. What needs was the OM fulfilling?

3) Let me just snap my fingers and get your marriage back. Oh wait, can't do that. You don't even want it to go back to the way it was before because it was obvious that it was flawed. You need to put the work in to creat a new marriage.

If you want a happy family you need to tough it out and follow the plan. Saving a marriage is a hero's task and one day you will be your wife and daughter's hero.

I feel your pain today!! You want the pain to end, but there is no quick fix for this, but there is a fix.

THE #1 THING THAT HELPS IS NC

Make sure of it. I told my wife "when you feel like calling OM, call me and tell me all about it or him or your feelings for/ to him." It sucks to hear some of it. ***note: my wife HATES the things she said about the OM now****

DON'T be short with your girls!!!! I'm yelling at you now and using a small 2x4. Your wife is not in a place to be there for them so you will have to do it all for them. SUPER FATHER !!!

Time to spend family time together. Shed Aquarium, Sience and Industry, up I94 to Racine for Apple Hollar (small time apple farm, petting zoo, serves food - lot's of Ill people stop there. Fun for kids.

I spent as much time as I could with my family doing things. It sure made my wife notice us (family). She told me that after the fog cleared.

Sometimes I think Jim is Steve H.

He is right on here - word for word. I have read many times where the BS has to fill out the EN list for the WS.

It is a good start that your wife is spending time with you and the kids and not on the computer. It takes time and it is slow.

Keep up the good work, you're doing better than you think.