|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
Shoul have seen her face. One minute she was sitting there looking smug saying " it's not like it was physical or anything. She also said maybe "affair isn't even the right word for the situation" Thats when I unloaded . Her face went to utter shock and terror. Maybe a neccessary LB after all to help her understand that I take it as A real AFFAIR
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466 |
Sometimes that does help snap them out of it a little. Just don't continue to LB.
Now is your chance to be her knight - the lighthouse.
Keep a close eye on the drinking thought. I think if you fall back to drinking your wife may think of it as an excuse for her to contact OM again.
***just thinking ouot loud here****
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
I totally get that with the drinking m2l. Thats what I told her that I feel like she wants to keep him around .For the next time I make a mistake that subconsiously she needs to have him as an option. I started the rubberband on the wrist thing today. Whenever I have thoughts about the A or things that may or may not have happened , I snap it on my wrist. Eventually I will associate the reoccuring images with actual physical pain and learn to avoid them. Thus avoiding the desire to hurt my wife. Lets see how this works out.
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
So now I just be patient right? Watch for NC no LB no M or R talk. Stay with plan A. Fix whats wrong with me and wait it out. When wife comes around and is willing to start recovery will I know? I am not to ask her if she is ready at all? i know it may take a while. I am preparing for the worst in the coming months. What about the EN questionaire? Would there be a waiting period to bring that up again? She doesn't seem interested in reading any of the books I leave them lying in plain sight hoping she may get curious. Has that happened with anyone else here? I kno I know be patient it takes time. What am I supposed to be doing in this period. Just waiting ?
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
Just play it cool, and do everything to fill her EN's. If she won't fill them out, take a guess at them, and start with conversation and admiration. Two safe bets for right now.
Court her a little, like when you first met. Try to engage her to spend time with you, suggesting things you KNOW she'd normally love to do with you.
Appear to be unattached to her chaos. You appear to be normal and self-confident that thing are going your way. No begging, sniveling, wimpering or appearing needy.
Minimize relationship talks. Be fun to be around. Seek a sense of normalcy, and allow her to be drawn back to you as withdrawal takes place.
Live every day with confident that your efforts will pay off.
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466 |
Something new here on my post? No - go back and read SD agian word for word. This is how it works at this point.
I can't add anthing to his post at this point except there will be highs and lows on this part of the journey so know how to deal with them.
NO LBers at this point
Your better off than you think with your wife.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222 |
Wouldn't it have just been easier to just delete it all in the first place? Check my posts from the previous pages. Didn't I tell you that she wasn't going to do it, and you were just going to go into a LB frenzy? Please, chidad, you are getting good advice here, so just follow it the first time. We're here to help. I know the drill. I'm going through it right now. I'm about one month ahead of you, so if you have any questions about your current situation, I've got the answers fresh in my memory.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
yes jim. It would have been easier if I had or hadn't done a lot of things in the past also. I appreciate all of the advice that you guys have given me. I am into the overcoming resentment part of SAA. I think that wil lhelp me avoid LB's a lot too. Just gotta think of the present and future and forget about the past as best I can. No R,M or A talk last night. WE had a nice night laughing atthe misfortunes of horrible singers on American Idol. It was fun to do that together I think she is starting to realize that WE can be good together. She probably comes home every night expecting me to launch into her about whatever "SHE" is doing wrong. I need to avoid doing that and help her connect me to fun enjoyable things.Just gotta keep reminding myself that I can only fix myself. I can only do what I know is right. I can't "teach" her anything, she knows what is right and wrong and I think me trying to "help" her see the light may be a cause of resentment on her part. Therefore she may be sort of hesitant to dive right into recovery. My wife is really a good woman. She has a good heart and is very warm and intelligent. I just need to relax and let her get through this in her own way.
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466 |
keep up the little things that are just day to day living. Throw in a few fun things when you can.
Keep up the good, but hard, work!!!!
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
You need to let her get through this her way, ALONG WITH your gentle urging, which will be the slow introduction of MB principals into your daily living.
The elimination of Angry Outbursts, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgements and all other love busters. You KNOW about them and can eliminate them by your own choice, but if your W enters into Love Busting, you can prove to be a wise and caring husband by explained how those actions can escalate situations that should be discussed in a calm and loving manner.
My W has not read a thing about MB and all the principals, and I left His Needs/Her Needs laying around the house for a year. But slowly, carefully I've introduced her to many of the principals without her realizing that they are all based from the books by Harley. When I put the principals into my own words, and explain how we can better handle "hot topic", I look like a loving and caring husband, teach her the principals, and it turns into a win/win situation.
Your W may have to de-fog a bit more and get through withdrawal completely before she's receptive to such a tactic, but it sure has worked for me!
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
Things have been going along pretty well I think. These past couple of weeks we have spent a lot more time together and seem to be getting closer. Today though "SHE" accused me of deleting her browsing history on internet explorer. She was pretty mad about it! I didn't delete it and told her that. I said "what benefit would I have in deleting your history?" She says, "well I don't know what "YOU" are doing before I get home from work. Maybe you downloaded some kind of spy program or something." I said that that wasn't the case at all. I have done everything in my control to make her feel safe and happy. I have avoided anything that might upset her or hurt her in any way. Is this just a normal reaction on her part? Maybe she's starting to feel guilty or something. I was in such a good mood until I called her at lunchtime and she accused me of that. I am on the defensive now? I will talk to her about it whenwe are home from work. Just don't know what kind of approach to take.
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,715
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,715 |
Well, I'd be concerned...
If she's worried and accusing you of downloading spyware...this makes me wonder if she's hiding something and trying to find out if you're getting close to finding it out.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
Be vigilant, because you never know what a WS might do.
If withdrawal is taking place, she will waver back and forth between glimpses of the W you knew before the affair, and the WW you've come to dread and despise. It's part of the process.
Always listen keenly to what a WS says, because they'll slip out little tidbits of truth in the midst of their typical fog babble.
Remember, the chaos is theirs to own, and you need to be observant, but not be drawn in to a full scale reaction everytime they say or do something perplexing. You are already keeping an eye on what she does, so if there's nothing there to be concerned about, save yourself the worry. If there are signs of a new e-mail account or other disturbing sites she's visiting, then take action.
Remember, patience and calm are your best friends for the mid-term future.
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
I am being patient it didn't even come up again . Speaking of patience is it still to early to request sex? Kinda weird to request it but I think it's going t ospring a leak soon. lol
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222 |
ChiDad,
I haven't gotten any in SIX MONTHS!!! And I'm a good looking 26 year old with a good job and nice things. I could easily go out and get some if I wanted to. It is driving me crazy!
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466 |
I am being patient it didn't even come up again . Speaking of patience is it still to early to request sex? Kinda weird to request it but I think it's going t ospring a leak soon. lol don't push it CD. Too much pressure on her right now. I know - too much pressure on you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
Ever notice how delicious a meal is, when it takes place at a well set table?
chidad... your job now is to take special care to get your table specially set. Dinner will come...so will you...but don't rush it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 119 |
lol @ m2l sd Thanks guys. Patience, I know patience is working. I haven't brought up any R M A talk at all since 1/10 as far as I know. I have noticed my wife getting a bit closer to me as a result. We talk about how her day went every evening when she comes home. I had to ask her about it the first few times, but now she sits down right next to me and we talk. I usually just listen. I comment here or there just so she knows I am actually hearing what she says. It is a good sign I guess that she is finding it easier to have a conversation with me now. We have spent well over 15 hours a week together and I think it is slowly starting to sink in that I am actually a really good husband when I try. I resist the urge to snap back at her when she has something negative to say. I just sort of let it go. As a result those comments have been less and less. You guys have been great, I thank you for your helpthrough the most trying part of my life. I than GOD every night for helping me find MB. Without all of this information and support I am sure my M wouldn't stand a chance. I am feeling more and more confident every week that this plan "A" will work. I know our chances of surviving this situation are much better than we would have had if left up to me alone. I actually am starting to believe that we will be happier and more in love than ever before as a result. Just too bad we don't look to sites like this before the problems get so out of control.
BH me 37
WS 36
2 kids twin girls 10
d-day 12/11/06
nc 12/15/06?
nc broken 01/09/07,1/24/07,2/17/06
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,466 |
Sounds good CD.
Keep it up, it will take time, but you headed in the right direction.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,959 |
People who listen...learn.
People who learn...employ
People who employ...usually succeed.
People willing to change themselves...are selfless.
People who really love their wives in spite of an affair....experience unconditional love.
People like chicagodad...inspire me
Keep up the good work! SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
|
|
|
0 members (),
398
guests, and
103
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,039
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|