Hi mom2,

Thanks for your response. I would appreciate some input from your point of view, yours may help me understand what my wife is feeling around now. What scares her , what I am doing right or wrong. What finally made it click for you? Just a good plan A? I am not sure if you have readmy entire thread I know it's getting pretty long. If you have , along this path that I am taking do you see where I may have made a wrong move, maybe taken something too personally? I guess I am asking for your perspective because, I want to know that there is hope

ChiDad,

I just bumped one of my old threads

"is WW coming out of the Fog?"

11 posts down is from JL and in blue he has SKM Chronicles. Click on it and then go to the top of the page when it opens

. A FWW wrote it and it's about how she felt while coming out of the fog.

It helped me out and maybe it could help you too.

Thanks m2l,
Really a good read, I am hopeful never really gave up hope. I think the timeline may help me a bit. I can see that ther is still a chance my wife is "trying"

Well,
I received the "lovebusters" book yesterday. I only read the introduction so far. I realize now that it is as neccessary to avoid making withdrawls. Probably as impotant as it is making deposits. I hope this will help me see how my actions could hurt my cause. There are things that I have been doing wrong . The whole time I thought I was doing everything right I have been backsliding here and there. Which explains why my wife is so confused/unsure of my intentions. Wish me luck with a revised plan . I just hope I can remember to avoid flooding her head with too much "help" all at once.



Focus on you.....
Focus on you.....
Focus on you.....
Focus on you.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

cd, I found it completely amazing how many patterns I had fallen in to over the years that fell under the catagory of Love Busters. It was a sobering moment, and although it didn't "cause" my W to have an affair, it did give her plenty of reasons to be dissatisfied with ME.

Changing all of that was not rocket science once I realized there would/could be a payoff at the end. For the most part that has proven to be true.

From the initial start of "recovery", I realized that Plan A had lifetime implications, in that all those changes I made in me would have to be kept in place for the length of the marriage. Otherwise, we BS's become "bait and switch" con-men.

That's one thing that's not covered much in these threads, but something every BS should be aware of. I found out the same way you did; self-discovery. You couldn't have been more accurate when you said it's as, if not more, important that meeting "some" EN's.

When I first read about Love Buster's, I felt like I'd just left the Principal's office! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SD

Yes sir re - plan A is a life time plan. Always trying to add to my list of "being a good H/father".

Wish someone would have giving me the LB book for my wedding.

Me too. I guess we tend to overlook the obvious until we get smacked around a little bit.

Two simple rules.

1) Be nice to your wife.

2) Don't be a d!ck!


Man oh man how much trouble we could have avoided with a little training .

BTW did any of you guys see Dateline last night, about the creeps trying to engage children in lewd acts via the internet? My wife was watching it , at first it set off some triggers. Seeing how those predators talked to kids and sent nude pics of themselves to them. I pictured OM doing that with my wife. I was so close to making a comment about it. I intentionally let out a disgusted sigh. Quickly realized that it may be construed as a LB. So I walked out of the room. Came back in from time to time , wife was saying " Oh my GOD what are these guys thinking?" I said "I know why go through all of that. Can't they meet someone in real life or are they just too twisted to interact socially in a real world situation?"

Borderline DJ I know but it was worth the risk. She said " Really what a bunch of weirdos". I watched the rest of the episode with her. She was really disgusted by the behavior. I was kind of hoping that it would light a candle in her head. So she would see that maybe her OM was creepy in that sense.

By the end of the show she was absolutely mortified by the whole IM'ing sexual predator thing.She says " Our kids are never chatting on the internet."
I agreed and left it at that. The rest of the night she was really close. She helped clear away the mess from dinner. We sat together and talked for a while. Watched a little TV and went to bed in a very nice state of mind.

I called her this morning and told her that I really enjoyed spending time with her last night. She was like "O.....k.......????" I explained that I just wanted to let her know when she makes me happy. She said oh well thats nice to hear. I feel good about what has been happening lately and just wanted to let you all know.

Anytime you feel the same way as she does it's fine to say so. You would be building closeness this way.

Mistake I made was to keep saying too much like you did with the "enjoyed spending time with you lastnight". Step back and look at it - it's kinda too much/weird. Now it's great to feel that way, but don't always say it. You can use that great feeling to feed your taker a little. A little someting in CD's LB (love bank).

Instead of saying what you said how about:
"Honey, I was just thinking about lastnight and how peaceful it was."

Leaves her with a nice calm thought when you hang up. Stable, strong, calm CD. It all plays in her mind if even just a little.

Good work over all though.

*** I saw the show also - sick guys, should just be shot!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

You're right I will have to watch being too mushy. I agree those guys really make me sick.

Well here we are again. I though we were finally making some progress. I actually felt safe enough to go to a party Saturday night. I controlled myself I had two beers and switched to coffee. Unfortunately my wife couldn't control herself. She Instant messaged this guy while I was gone.I brought it up Sunday morning, stayed very calm. I expressed how much it hurt me. She said it isn't what you think. We just talked about the kids and about how things were going. I said any contact hurts me. I sent him another e-mail this morning and a copy of the same to my wife. I tod him that any contact with her hurts our chances to reconcile. I also thanked him for helping send us back to day one of recovery.
I called my wife and told her I was sending an e-mail to him. She said " I wish you wouldn't". I told her that "I wished they wouldn't contact each other anymore , but that didn't happen." So I sent it anyway. She read the copy I sent her and replied "thanks".
Hope this wan't a huge LB it will probably make her feel like she should call him now. This is so rough . Did i do the right thing . How should I handle the situation when we get home from work?

Well here we are again. I though we were finally making some progress. I actually felt safe enough to go to a party Saturday night. I controlled myself I had two beers and switched to coffee. Unfortunately my wife couldn't control herself. She Instant messaged this guy while I was gone.I brought it up Sunday morning, stayed very calm. I expressed how much it hurt me. She said it isn't what you think. We just talked about the kids and about how things were going. I said any contact hurts me. I sent him another e-mail this morning and a copy of the same to my wife. I told him that any contact with her hurts our chances to reconcile. I also thanked him for helping send us back to day one of recovery.
I called my wife and told her I was sending an e-mail to him. She said " I wish you wouldn't". I told her that "I wished they wouldn't contact each other anymore , but that didn't happen." So I sent it anyway. She read the copy I sent her and replied "thanks".
Hope this wan't a huge LB it will probably make her feel like she should call him now. This is so rough . Did i do the right thing . How should I handle the situation when we get home from work?

Obviously the alcoholic can't even be trusted with Nyquil or mouthwash around the house, so get rid of it.

Go in her email, delete his email address, block his email, and delete instant messanger. She crossed your boundaries, and now you need to be the man and deliver the consequences. Don't tell her you are going to do it (and argue about it), just do it.

How can she call him? I would make sure that there is no phone card, phone number of his available.

Oh, and by the way, judging by my sig line, you are not the only one that has had multiple breaches of NC. The longer into this you go, the less she'll reach out to him.

Sorry Jim but judging by our sig lines. There doesn't seem to be any end in sight.Every couple of weeks we get burned again. I really am starting to doubt the point of this whole plan A. Plan B or D may be the only hope of surviving this mess with any dignity.

Just keep fighting the good fight and make it hard for her to contact OM. Withdrawal is going to be hard for her because her EA lasted so long. Eventually it will cease, but you need to be patient and enforce your boundaries.

CD,

Why did you go to a party without your recovering wife? This would have been a great part of the "15 hours" a week together. You could have gotten her a drink and talk to a few people. When she is across the room you catch her eye and give a little look and smile to her. Flirt with your wife.

Time togther is very key here at this point.

It was a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine. She was supposed to go but was tired after work on Saturday. So I went on my own. I was only gone about 3 hours.

I am going to meet her for lunch. It is too hard to talk about serious things with the kids around al lthe time.

Sorry to hear of the latest contact. There is no end to what a WS will do to cause pain to a BS. You are in a touchy-feely time, and doing all you can to meet EN's and avoiding love buster's is about all you can do.

If this doesn't taper off and stop in the next 45 days or so, then you may have to do something more drastic, such as giving her a firm boundary on what "one more contact" will bring, and then stick to whatever your choice for reacting to the contact might be; including tossing her out, Plan B, filing for D, seperate maintenance, further exposure, or just calling it quits.

Whatever it is you decide upon, you need to be perfectly clear in communicatiing that to your W, and then exercising your "what if" scenario if she crosses the line.

If it doesn't peter out on it's own accord, you will have to take a strong step to bring it to an end.

None of this has to be done today or tomorrow, but it's something you should have well thought out before you go about setting the "final" boundary.

Otherwise, keep with the "courtship" of your wife, and stay as busy as possible keeping her "entertained" with your adviances, and love bank deposits. Listen closely to her and ask leading questions when she shows an interest in talking about any topic. Let her have as much "voice" as possible. Listen closely for "tips" she might share on how to further meet her needs.

Hang in there, recovery is a long and arduous road.

Best wishes,
SD