ok I was thinking the same thing. It would also be very dishonest of me to delete it and keep it from her i guess.

I would delete it because it is still a fix of him. You can tell her he said he wouldn't contact her and delete it. It's like letting an alcoholic have a sip. Block anything an everything. Block his email address from her account. Choke off all possible contact.

Well looky who just got off work - Jim.

Ok - let her read it first then delete it.

I think having OM putting it in an email saying "Sam, I will no longer have contact with you" would mean a lot to her. A lot in a very bad way. May start to let Sam see OM for who/what he is. POS that doesn't love her and will dump her when the going gets tough.


Then go about deleting and blocking all you want.

She still hasn't checked her E-mail as of yet. The questionairre from Jennifer Harley Chalmers is also unopened, I need to encourage her to read the Basic concepts and fill out the questinairre for Jennifer before our session on Tueday night.
The problem that I foresee is that she will read the response to my letters from OM before reading the basic concepts or filling out the questionairre. I think the response will make her angry and make it very hard to convince her to work with me on this.
Last night the kids slept at granma and grandpa's house.Wife and I went and had a nice dinner. I didn't bring up the R at all. She had a hard time looking at me. When she did I gave her a wink. She offered up a half smile in return. The poor thing looked so down. I told her that even her half smile is beautiful. She said she wasn't going to work today because of all that has happened between us this week. That it has competely exhausted her. I replied " I don't think we should even try to figure out a "plan" right now ." I said " I am done trying to figure it out, that we should let a professional guide us and wait until Tuesday's session until we choose our next step. She nodded and looked down at her plate. I may have LB'd when I said " you don't have to be afraid to look at me." She said kind of in an upset tone. "Why would you say that?" I told her that she seemed to be avoiding eye contact is all. Well thats the update. Hope the rest of the weekend is ok. I will try to encourage the 4 of us to do fun things together to keep our heads clear.

At this point in my sitch I told my wife that she was not a bad person, she just did a bad thing. Then I reminded her of what a good mother she was also and left it at that.

Tuesday with Jennifer is the key as you say.

How does the first session work? I don't want to go in both barrels blazing.

Good morning ,

Sunday at breakfast ww brought up the E-mail response from OM.



She told me that she read the E-mail which OM sent me and CC'd her. She said. " I got Steve's E-mail"...........nothing more was said.

I replied" Oh o.k. I saw that he CC'd it to you.

We sat there in silence for a bit.


I said " I am not sure what you want me to say"

She said" You don't have to say anything, you've already taken care of everything!"

I told her that I did exactly what I said I was going to do . Nothing more than that.


The rest of the day we tried to stay busy games with the kids, cleaning the house etc. When we sat down to watch the Oscars she seemed visably bummed out. I ask her if she was O.K. she didn't respond.

I know we are starting the withdrawl phase all over again now. I just hope this time will be easier after our session with Jennifer tommorow.

I think that went as well as it could have. She knew she was wrong and didn't have a fit with you about it.

Good luck with Jennifer

thanks

Best of luck in your meeting with the Harley's tomorrow. I hope your WW gets a look at a world without fog!

SD

Thanks me too.
She filled out the questionaire for Jennifer last night.I was happy when she asked me how to do it. I explained that it was a link and it was just a way for Jennifer to know how she is feeling about marriage.

Well she sat at the computer, I was thinking that things are getting a little rosier. Then............


She asked me if I had been checking her work E-mail.

I answered truthfully yes. She was absolutely livid.


I walked out of the room to allow her to calm down. I also didn't want to be overly defensive on my part. When I re-entered the room. I calmly told her that she has every right to be upset with me. I didn't apologize for checking up on her, but I did say that I was sorry that me doing that upset her.

We talked about it for a bit. I said that I did it because I am currently in a confused state of mind. I told her that I don't like the fact that she shares what bothers her about me with her friends and never with me, the only person who has any control over it.

I further stated that I was making sure OM wasn't keeping in touch via E-mail at her work. I told her calmly that I don't trust her right now. That she has looked me straight in the eye and flat out lied to my face about this whole situation.
She said I know I know you don't trust me. I said I want to and I will again , but now I don't. SHe let me know that she has never checked my E-mail. I said I have nothing to hide. It's all spam and bill payment reminders. I am not leading a second life that I need to hide.


It just seems that w4e always argue about this mess at least once a week sometimes more. This plan "A" of mine is flawed at best. I wouldn't want t o be around someone that always tells me I am doing something wrong, or being the cause of harm all the time either.


I think the spying is doing more harm than good. I will bring it up with Jennifer tonite. It seems that I overthink my findings and that results in an overreaction on my part. Constanly putting my wife on the defensive.

Had this same conversation with my (at the time) WW. You said exactly what you should have. You were honest, and up front about it.

In your case, I don't think the spying is hurting you...on the contrary, it's what's helping you catch and enforce NC. The only reason it hurts is because your WW is still breaking the NC rule, and is still doing things that WARRANT your checking.

The odds are, you'll end up spying for a good while...because it's the only way you'll be able to VERIFY that your wife is now being trustworthy.

I think you're on the right path...and your WW's actions clearly show that.

Keep up what you're doing, and keep up the great way you're handling these discussions!

You argue about it because your WW keeps breaking NC. She has no right to be upset about you checking up on her, just like you have no right to be upset with her if she checked your email. She is upset that her path to OM is cut off even if she wanted to reach out to him (which she does). You will continue to argue about this until she realizes that its not worth it to contact OM anymore. When you do talk about it, just be calm and avoid LBs. She is trying to manipulate you into backing off, but you must stand firm. Otherwise, this could start again. Be vigilant.

"Honey, show me there's absolutely no reason to check up on you because of no further contact with the OM. I believe that our marriage can survive, and even be better than it's ever been, so long as there are only two of us in it. Three is a crowd. Prove to me you are worthy of my trust...then you will receive it"

SD

Oh Shattered you always say this nicest things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


I second SD post. Nothing there that your wife will have to feel like defending. Just a statement by you.

Ok,
I think the session went well. Jennifer is very nice. WE both talked to her at first for 10 mins. She asked to speak with my W alone next. That lasted over 40 mins. I got on the phone Jennifer and I talked for 5 mins. Then the three of us talked about what we need to do.

She had my W tell me tp put a keylogger on the computer. She had my wife agree to delete all traces of OM from the computer.
While she was verbally agreeing to that she started sobbing. I felt her pain somehow.....
She also stated that she will delete traces of him from her computer at work.
Also to give me her pre-paid cell phone. I got a family plan started
Monday with two phones. Now I can see incoming and outgoing calls online.
Her work phone is recorded , as they are a large corporation so that shouldn't be an issue.

Jennifer said that she will be going through withdrawal type symptoms and to show extraordinary care for her during this time.
She advised W to read HN/HN and to record any needs that jump out at her as they apply to her own needs.
She gave W some ideas to distract herself in case she felt the urge to renew contact.

Including, sending Jennifer an E-mail, or worst case calling Jennifers personal line. She advised W to try to hold out for 20 mins. if she thought of calling him and the urge would probably fade in that time.

Now she hasn't given me the old cell. She hasn't deleted anything from her computer. I don't know if me doing it myself will have the same finality as if she doing it would have. So I sent an E-mail to Jennifer asking if i should do it, if not if she would E-mail W asking her againg if it had been done.

We have another Appt. set-up for this weekend I am more hopeful today than I have been in years.

I'm so glad that your wife made the call also and didn't back out at the last min.

This is a slow process and it looks like your wife is wanting to start NC, but is having a little trouble with it.

Also glad to hear that Jennifer was all you thought she would be.

Keep your head down and your Plan A up!!

Think of a crack addict having to willingly "choose" not to every experience another "hit".

Stay busy as you can. Do lots of things together, as much as she can take. Don't initiate any R or M talks. If she does, engage with her with utmost care.

If you could, this would be an ideal time to take a trip together. My son had a major problem smoking meth, and once he slept for most of 4 days, I took him on a three day road trip...with lots of talks, lots of silence, lots of activities, lots of scenery, and it worked wonders. Harley probably has some CD's you could play, if deemed appropriate at the time.

Glad you were uplifted by the call. Savor that feeling. More good is yet to come, but you'll need to remain positive, yet diligent and perhaps firm at some times.

The better YOU feel about your progress, the better you will continue to employ the MB program, and the better your chances are for success.

Best wishes,
SD

Had another session with Jennifer last night. We are starting on the Emotional Needs of each other. My wife still misses him , as yet there has been no contact since 2/17. So it has only been 2 weeks. As for deleting his e-mails less than one week.
It is really hard to act happy when she obviously misses somone else.I checked her E-mail this morning and there was a request for contact updates from him. I deleted it. When I called her later she asked if I had been in her E-mail acct. today. I answered truthfully yes. I also said that I deleted something from OM.
That started a pretty good battle of AO's between us. I know that it was a DJ to do that , I should have left it to her to delete it. I wasn't thinking clearly. She said that she was upset because I didn't even give her the chance to do it herself, to show me that she could . I know it is tough for her right now. That my focus should be on caring for her and avoiding making her unhappy.
I just have a hard time keeping myself from reacting. I think this latest episode may have set us back a bit. I just wanted to know how you guys have managed to avoid this type of thing.

First off - your wife misses the feelings that the A gave her. Remember the feelings you had of new girlfriends? The first few months - everything was fun and exciting, all just so lovely. All good and no bad. She will get over this with NC. All true feeling of missing the whole thing not just the OM.

Yes it is hard to hear your loved one tell you how much they miss the OP. I have heard the same from my FWW.

****these feelings will pass****


The email - block the email addy and never worry about it agian.

Most of all NO LBers - you know this, but do you know how important this is?????

Your wife is hurting and you need to be there for her and make home/you a safe place for her to be. I know this is bull chit. You are the one that was wronged, but you do have to man up and be there for her. You can cover your hurt later on when she is back "in the game".