If she's upset that she didn't get the chance to prove herself, ask her to take the next step, and block his email address. It's a perfect way for her to step up, and it's a great step in the right direction for both of you.

Make sense?

Yes SD, I do remember those girls. I really do. I also know to watch the LB's and that they are probably more important than filling the love bank.Things were going really well I thought this past week.
It's just that I got caught snooping, she reacted with some anger I tried to explain that I was just trying to avoid her seeing the E-mail. Hoping to help her avoid thinking of him. She told me " WELL I AM THINKING OF HIM NOW!" I replied thats nice thanks. She also told me that she is tired of feeling watched all the time and that she is tired of being forced to do things. She mentioned that she had told one of her EN's was conversation, Jennifer asked her how many times a day she would like to have me meet those needs. She said once. Jennifer asked well, how about 3 or 4. My W replied, No I don't have time for that.

AFter she said that , I said well, now I know where I stand,.......last. YThanks for being honest. Good Bye. We hung up .

I sent her a text stating that , I have felt that way for a while and was getting tired of it. She said that wasn't what she meant. She called me again, saying that she meant during work she doesn't have time. I said , well that isn't what I heard. WE both need to work on our communication skills as they have not been used very much lately.

If only I could stop taking this so personally. Maybe I should just stop snooping for a while and let Jennifer sort this mess out for us.

Stop being the reason for your wifes unhappiness. Stop adding to the problem/ hurt. He)) man I wouldn't want to come home to that either.

You need to be the lighthouse to her dark/hurt world right now.

So she told you she is thinking of OM/POS. So what? They are just words from her mouth to your ears. Where does she sleep at night? See what I'm saying. Put your head down by the home row on the keyboard. I need you close enough to hit you with the 2x4.

She misses the OM - big damn deal. She can/will love you again if you play this right. Lose the battle and win the war.

Hello all,
Just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I belive NC has been maintained since Feb. Things have been getting better each day.

You probably don't remember my aimless ramblings and pity parties , no need to read them all just need advice fixing myself.
My wife actually started wearing her wedding ring again. She reaches out to hold my hand and looks into my eyes , sure missed that.

The thing is I still have a trust problem. Not that she is doing anything wrong.
She has been completely transparent. Cell phone records are at my disposal via internet any time I wanna check them. Email is readily opened by me whenever I need to check it.

She deleted all of OM's past e-mails and pics.Deleted him from messenger list and contacts. That was a big step for me.

I just have trouble putting it out of my head.I think about it every day. Not as much as I did at the beginning , but everyday.

My question is this. How do you put the past out of your mind, or should I say make yourself cope with events of the past.I will never forget what happened, but want to let it go. What do you say to yourselves to get past the past?

Hey...glad to hear things are going well!!! I've wondered about you, friend!

As far as the trust...well...you have to admit, that it wasn't just broken as a result of the A...it was shattered, and the pieces scattered, right?

To me, this was the main reason why our recovery took as long as it did. I think that the main reason they say it takes two years MINIMUM to recover is based on how horribly the trust was damaged. That, and the triggers that come up afterwards as well.

My wife didn't understand this at first...then she realized that the 'snooping' wasn't trying to catch her in anything...it was a way to reassure myself that she WAS remaining faithful.

You're not that far into recovery...don't be too hard on yourself, and don't set your expectations of yourself too high. It takes TIME and WORK to heal from this.

Glad to hear how things are going for you!!!

cd, I am really happy things are going so well for you. Those first looks in the eyes, they mean so much, as you can just feel it's the first peek out of the fog for a wayward. It was a great morale boost for me, because for months I saw nothing but cold, empty, heartless "shark" eyes.

There is no "easy button" to push regarding the regaining of trust. As has been said, all that trust given so effortlessly before was crushed, blown to smithereens. I can tell you this, the trust will slowly come back, but there will continue to be triggers, and you just have to deal with them as best you can.

As she completes withdrawal, and you two spend more quality time together (Harley's 15 hours per week is GOOD) there are fewer reasons to MIStrust. However, if she becomes complacent about her transparancy; ei, just less communicative than she might be right now, you will certainly trigger. It still happens to me all the time.

Truth is, I still snoop occasionally, checking phone records, credit card purchases and computer stuff. To have a spouse completely abuse the unconditional trust that was once given is a tough thing to overcome, and, in the cases of infidelity, I'm certain that trust will never be given unconditionally as it once was. In fact, I believe Harley stated in SAA, that trust should never be given to a spouse in that way. A persons radar should always be "on" to some degree, to alert us to warning signs.

Time will be your best ally here, and spending quality time with your FWW will be the best way to spend that time. Truthfully, I still trigger at a few things.... my W wandering off while on a cell phone call, coming home later than she said she would from a known outing, seeing a large number of incoming/outgoing calls on the cell phone to a single cell phone that I can't verify, etc. Frankly, it sucks, but for a BS to just "let go" is next to impossible.

It's a bit like letting go a the lesson first learned when you first stuck your tongue on a frosted door handle! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are doing great, CD, so bask in the glow, and evaluate the triggers one by one as they come along, and give them the attention they deserve, and you'll find you will have pretty smooth sailing.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks a lot guys. Yeah I am enjoying having her back in "my" life again. I told her that it's nice having her back. She told me that she loves me today, then changed her mind......................................................... she said no CD I am in love with you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Really cool of her.
I do trigger from time to time, something on television or a song whatever it is I walk out of the room before I do or say something dumb. She asked what was wrong at first , I told her these things just bring bad thoughts to my head, and I need to get away before I hurt her.


She asked me if she was doing anything wrong, that she herself felt good changes were happening to bot of us.
I said" Sweetie you are doing everything right it's just going to take a while to get over the trust/resentment/anger? part of it."

That it's nothing she's doing wrong , I just need to feel comfortable again, it may take a while, but I am in it for the duration . She looked mortified , she said that she didn't even think I thought about it anymore. I said "yes I think about it everyday." She looked really sad and I actually think that she is starting to realize just how deeply it hurt me.

I guess that is a good thing , it will make her think twice before doing anything like that again.

I can totally relate to everything you just posted, CD.

I had pretty much word for word, the exact same conversation with my wife. I had to tell her that she's doing all the right things...she's not doing anything wrong...its just that its going to take time for me to heal from all that we went through.

It took her some time to realize and accept that too.

Are you guys in MC still? I'd seriously recommend that you have a good one that can help the two of you sort through all of this. We continued MC for about a year into our recovery...and I'm glad we did. There were many times that our MC was able to "translate" for the other to understand why they were feeling/doing what they were.

We had a session with Jennifer Tuesday night. It went well, I told her that things were a little shaky for me, that it just felt like something wasn't right. Not that my W was doing anything wrong.

Jennifer asked if we were meeting the 15 hours together goal. I honestly hadn't even thought about that. It turns out that we aren't maybe 7-8 hours a week avg. She went on to say how important the 15 hour goal is.

It makes perfect sense to both of us. I mean the whole idea that we wouldn't have fallen in love in the first place if we didn't spend that amount of time together.


My question is this.. While my wife and I both work and have children . How does anyone "find" the extra 9 or so hours to be alone with their spouse? Does anyone have a creative way to "make" time? I realize that television and movies are out of the question.

We did manage to schedule 1-1/2 hours a night during the week. That leaves us with 7-1/2 hours to fill during the weekend. I realize that this is an important part of the whole MB concept, and I am willing to see that it happens.


I guess I am just asking for some creative ways to spend that missing time exclusively with my wife.