My husband is going on a business trip in a few months to a location that is typically a vacation island destination. His trip will invovle visiting several locations on the island. I will join him after his work is finished. For the work portion of his trip he will be accompanied by his younger female intern. Normally this would not bother me but part of his work trip has been canceled. He told me that he and his intern still plan visiting the portion of the island that they no longer need to visit for work because they had their hopes up already. I trust my husband but I do not trust the intern. When I was pregnant the intern bought us a very expensive gift and has been buying gifts for our son fairly regularly. Am I just being parinoid? Or is this something I should worry about. Also, my husband and I have had some trouble since the birth of our child which makes me less secure about our relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Have you told your H that his visiting that part of the island with the intern and no need for work will bother you?

If not then do so.

How does an intern have the money to buy YOUR son presents? Um - and WHY is she buying him things? Weird, just weird IMHO.

Ali

That is part of the reason I am suspicious of her. It doesn't make sense that she is buying presents. None of my coworkers buy my child presents and I have never heard of anyone else in a similar situation. Maybe she is just trying to impress my husband because he is her boss?

If he continues to accept gifts it gives her positive reinforcement. He needs to make it stop.

As he is her boss, he nor your fmaily should be accepting any sort of gifts from an intern. It is not professional and could send the wrong message to other employees, not to mention - you and your kid... Sorry - this intern needs to stop it right quick!!!

"Should I be worried?"

In a word - YES.

This is not a good situation for any married man to be in. I would let him know how you feel about the arrangement. Don't accuse him of anything, I would just say that the arrangement makes you feel insecure, and is there anything you could do to help me through this like calling me regularly. If you husband has a problem with this I might suspect something is up and do a little snooping. If your relationship starts deteriorating, he has sex with you less often, he fails to account for his time, starts changing his appearance for the better, I would suspect an affair. I would also observe the way the two interact around you. If they seem nervous or you seem like the third wheel something is up between the two of them.

In short, let your husband know how you feel in a non-accusatory way, try and make sure you are meeting his ENs, and keep a close eye on your H and his intern.

People come from different backgrounds. It could be she is just being kind. Depends on where and how she was raised.

However, we know from experience that it MIGHT mean something else. When you don't know for sure, you find out.

All of it put together does sound scary.

This is a good time time to discuss the four rules for a successful marriage - see link.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

If he understands these things, he will understand your concern.

If he doesn't want to protect your feelings, then you have a reason to be concerned.

Any man who loves his W and cares about her feelings will understand and help when she comes to him with a concern.

Read through the four rules, and talk to him about protecting your feelings by not doing things with her away from work requirements.

If he agrees, then probably things are OK.

If he gets angry, and or says you are controlling, or crazy, or argues with you, then I suggest you dig deeper. Don't get angry, or argue with him, just know you need to find out more. If you accuse him, or if you get visibly upset, he will know he has to hide things better, and it will be more difficult for you to find out the truth.

What he is doing may be totally innocent - and he might not have thought about it much. However, if he still wants to do it after you voice your concerns, you can be sure something is going on. He may not realize it yet, but that would be a sign that he is at least beginning or involved in an EA, and the addiction has started and is affecting his decisions.

If that is the case, and he doesn't realize what is going on, you can get more information and work on restoring your marriage.

Don't be afraid to monitor his phone and computer use, and other things so that you will know the truth. You need to know what is going on before you can deal with it.

I can tell you that Dr Harley knows what he is talking about, and this material works. Read all you can, discuss things with him, and tell us what you learn.

I suspect there may be other warning signs, or else you would not be here?? Do you have other concerns?

SS

This totally sends bells off for me. You should NOT let that happen as he will be spending pleasure time with this younger intern, reinforcing any positive feelings he already has for her, especially if they have discussed it and had their hopes up. Very odd. The gifts would be another huge sign to me. I've found that dispicably enough many men cheat the first year after a baby is born (as did my WH). It's a very, very difficult time for a marriage. Go with your instincts - something could be up. I would follow everyone else's advice about this (above) and see his reaction.

maggi, traveling with any female, business or not, is an invitation to an affair. This is simply an invitation to an affair and should be passed up. Your marriage shouldn't be sacrificed for this. If he won't cancel the trip, then you should go with him. Why doesn't the female intern step aside and let you take her place?

My husband also did this sort of thing for many, many years. He insisted there was nothing wrong with it as long as it was somehow connected to his job and I should just learn to accept it, since he'd get back to me at the end of the day.

He destroyed our marriage and drove me to absolute despair with this behaviour.

Don't let this stuff get started. No married man should be hanging out and socializing with other women. That's not a married man - that's a player who has a wife.

Don't let this stuff get started.
Mulan

Yes, you should worry.
Mulan is one sharp cookie about this sort of thing. It certainly rang alarm bells for me and it obviously did for you. Trust your instincts. Be honest and loving with him and tell him you do not feel comfortable with this arrangement. Even if you somehow feel that you agreed to go along with it earlier, just tell him how you are feeling about his trip with her as well as about your love for him. This trip could be a great opportunity for the two of you to spend some time together and that's what you want--right? Let him know that!!

I wish you the best and the best in turning this incident around so that it advantages your marriage, not a potential affair.
Lake

Thanks for all of your advice. I have not built up the courage to talk to him about it but I will soon.

I have yet to confront my husband but last night he went out "by himself" after work to a play. He told me since he was in town he may as well go see the play. He said nothing about going with anyone else. This morning I found a receipt for the play that indicated he bought two tickets. What should I do now. Should I wait until I know more to confront, let it go, or just confront him now? Tonight he is home late because he is having drinks after work with someone who will "help his situation". Thanks for any advice you can provide!

Do you have a keylogger on his computer? A GPS in his car?
Have you checked his cell bill for hundreds of calls?

Do all of the above, and don't confront him until you do. There is an affair going on, and he will just deny or lie about it.

Oh Yeah! Get busy hire a PI if you can. He's in an A. Verify, get proof then confront and expose,

NO WAY on that trip unless you are the one he goes with!!!!!!

Okay so I asked my husband about the play. It turns out that he did go with the intern. He told me that he had mentioned he was taking her. I don't remember him telling me but it is certainly a possibility. When I asked him about it I went ahead and told him about my suspicions. Big mistake. He got really mad about me not trusting him. He showed me all the email she had every sent him, it was all business related. I believe him that he is not having an affair. But I am still suspicious of her. They will be sharing a room for a few days on their business trip to save money. I can not get this out of my mind. Especially since now I have almost pushed him into having an affair with her. I do not think he would iniate it but I think she might. He is still angry with me for asking about it and not trusting him. Please help, I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. Some if not most of the problems in our relationship are my fault. I don't know how to fix it. He has agreed to counseling but says he doesn't think it will work. Please help!!!

There is no way that a married man should be sharing a room with another woman on a business trip!!!!

Yes, this is an affair.

You need to get ahold of his boss and tell them about his sharing a room with her "to save money"...what a crock!!!

I am inclined to just let him have the affair and find away to deal with the pain. This may be the only way I could have a chance to save the marriage. Any thoughts on this approach? Has anyone tried this and if so what were the results?

Thank you.

Nope. There's no chance of having a happy, wonderful marriage if one spouse is having an affair.

Why on earth would you just let him have the affair?!?!?! I do NOT understand this!