I've been sending out e-mails again, with somewhat different results from last year's experiment. Sure, most of my e-mails still get completely ignored (for whatever reason), but somehow I actually have arrangements for back-to-back evenings next week with two women I've "met" this way. (No, I don't have any problems with multiple dating - I think it's healthier at this stage of the "game.") That's a first for me!

One of these ladies I've seen before (once), and although I like her a lot I don't believe there's any real romantic potential there. I would like to stay friends with her, because she's a neat person.

The other lady is one with whom I've just begun exchanging e-mails, and at this point I suspect that there's a significant chance that I might "fall for" her pretty precipitously. Her e-mails have blown me away with their intelligence and wit, and she keeps saying things which astonish me with how well they match up with my own perspectives - as if she's saying exactly what I wanted to say before I had the chance to say it. She's got fascinating interests which align well with my own, she's got a really nice voice, and she's extremely cute in all the right ways. (Yes, I'm sure her pictures are "real," since I actually know who she is via other another source.) She's even the right age, in the sense that she wants kids someday, she is young enough to have them, and I am only one year beyond the age range which she specified in her profile.

Especially in light of recent dialogue here regarding such entities as "Mr. 5 Weeks" ad "Mr. 11 Weeks," this has given me pause for thought about the role of rapid emotional attachment. I accept that this can happen to me under the right circumstances, and yet it still strikes me as absurd and counter-productive. There is simply no way that a few e-mails or a few dates or even a few weeks can provide adequate input for determining whether a long-term relationship is appropriate, and yet just when you want to be making an assessment as soberly as possible, a hormonal response makes it impossible to do so. Worse, even if you are able to successfully battle the hormones enough to recognize that a relationship is not to be, you are held hostage beyond the ending of that relationship so that you cannot easily move on to a new one.

What the heck is that all about?

I am not looking forward to going through that mess, if that's the direction I'm headed with this woman.

But I am looking forward to meeting her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

For another dose of perspective, my correspondence with this woman has been going on concurrently with another exchange with another woman(?) from the online service. That one has been...uncomfortable. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt (while keeping my eyes open), but it's become increasingly clear that she is not who she says she is. I am not even sure that she's reading my e-mails, since the rare elements in them which seem like they may be in response to something I said might instead be just the result of a coincidence. She claims to be an American, with American and English parents, but English is clearly not her first language, and many of the expressions she uses clearly derive from another culture. I have visions of a bank of computers in Nigeria industriously posting automated responses to desperate losers in America, and I can't help but wonder what they think they're going to get out of it.

A week ago I made some minor tweaks to my profile, and over the course of the week I got maybe a dozen or so completely inappropriate winks and e-mails which I can only assume were triggered somehow by the update. (Does it show up as new?) Do the people who make these fake profiles even read them, or are they randomly generated by yet another computer program? I mean, really, why would a woman in Sweden be looking for a man in Canada, and then e-mail me? And if you claim to be black, why would you put up a picture of a white woman?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How terrible no one has piped up to make comments on your thread Gnome.

My emails get ignored too. I now see it as lucky they didn't respond because they're not courteous enough to say a simply no thanks. I prefer courteous people. Some, though, are likely not members any more, or not paying members so they can't respond.

Doesn't sound like much of a choice here. You clearly prefer one woman over the other. The fact that you want to date more than one woman at a time doesn't mean they will be there to date. Just date the woman you prefer as if you were dating others. Keep looking, see if there other, more appropriate woman to date than ones you suspect of posting a false profile.

Why do people post false profiles or lie about themselves? Darn if I know. Be happy you an spot them & steer clear.

Kudos for being aware of the risk of falling for someone you haven't yet met. Most of us have been there done that, yours truly included exactly one year ago. Yes, it is amazing when we get into contact with someone who seems to know our thoughts, to get us, and to connect with us. It is a great feeling, but it is still just that, a feeling.

You mentioned that you know something about this lady from other sources, what does that mean? Do you mean through professional connections, church, or what?

Anyway, you do not appear to be asking for advice, but if it were me, I'd want to go ahead and meet this lady and see where it goes. It is very risky, and often disappointing, to invest too much in an e-mail relationship. You seem to have done enough groundwork to establish some mutual interest, now it's time to meet. Don't wait till after the holidays, do it now if you can.


Yeah, I corresponded with this woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. She emailed me a year or so ago, beautiful sweet lady, only to let me know within two exchanges that she was actually "stuck" in South Africa, and needed money for food. Click.


Yikes! Maybe you should revisit your profile to make sure you did not accidentally raise your salary to $10M a year, or said something about "hooking up" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, I suggest you leave your fears behind and go meet the promising lady!

AGG

i say go for it gnome what have you got to lose? it could turn out great like gekko and i are so far (hear that agg?) LOL

yes, almost 9 months already... and only getting better. in 2 weeks i will get to ring in the new year in fun atlanta. can't wait!

hope it goes well for ya gnome..
agg you will be first one invited to the wedding... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
chuckle chuckle...

mlhb

Yes, I recognize these factors. I don't take it personally when I get no response. But it takes time to write personalized e-mails, and at some point I have to ask myself whether it is worth it. During my three-month experiment last year I got exactly two responses (both negative) after an uncounted number of e-mails. It wasn't worth it to continue the membership. My success rate this time around is obviously better, for indeterminate reasons.

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here, nams. To clarify my situation, during this past week I have engaged in e-mail exchanges with three women whom I originally contacted via match.com. (Well, perhaps two women and one Nigerian computer.)

The first woman I've already met. I like her as a friend and she has never said anything which would lead me to believe that she is hoping for anything "more" in our "relationship." I know that she has dated others since we saw each other, so I know that she is not viewing me as the guy she's currently dating. I know that she has at least one other guy friend who she is not dating, and I assume that if I don't still have some undefined status in her mind, I fit the friend-who-happens-to-be-a-male category as well. We are supposed to get together on Sunday.

The second woman I am going to meet on Monday. This is the one I'm afraid I might end up liking too much than is good for me. Trust me, that fear is not going to control my actions. The only thing I really risk by exploring the possibilities with her is some emotional distress, and that's something I'm already pretty darned accustomed to, so it doesn't bother me unduly.

The third "woman" is by this time out of the picture. She's the one with the false profile.

She is an instructor for an activity in which I take instruction. I've never met her, but I ran across her photo in promotional material from when I was looking for new places to study a couple of months ago. So I knew her name before she told me.

From sending my first e-mail to our first scheduled meeting: five days. Is that too much of an investment for you, AGG?

Really? All she's asked from me so far is for me to be her "King."

On balance, I think I'd rather send the money for food...

You jest (I think), but I really did go back and check to see whether something...inappropriate...might have gotten in there somehow.

Only my heart, Michelle, only my heart.

But what the heck, it's not as if I've been using it for anything productive anyway...

Yeah, I corresponded with this woman . She emailed me a year or so ago, beautiful sweet lady, only to let me know within two exchanges that she was actually "stuck" in South Africa, and needed money for food. Click.

Hey...I saw that episode on Dr. Phil!

It was a man doing that very same thing and had bilked a woman for thousands. She was a lonely 50 something and he was like...30 years old from the picture he sent her (pic was actually of a model from a photo shoot in Hawaii). She was convinced that he was in love with her cause he told her all the time.
Yeah...he did...cause it was only one of the English phrases he knew! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He also knew..."I need money to get home to you". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Yep...there is a hand motion for what was going on here.

Gullible...gullible...gullible...

committed

Oh, my bad. I got the impression it was longer than that. Nope, five days is good - have fun on Monday, and don't fall for her, no matter what! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AGG

Yes, that's the one! She did have a couple of requisite "come hither" bathing suit pictures on the profile, which was enough to raise red flags for me. When the "My love for you is so deep" e-mails came in, I knew it was a scam.

AGG

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

(I'd go, btw, and lose it rather than keep it not productive anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

What I really, really disliked about online dating is the urge to keep meeting as may people as you can, throwing your net out again and again, because you are afraid that if you don't, you may miss "the one". There's this anticipation of who "might be next".

I got tired of that real quick. I couldn't really focus on any particular lady or two because I was always looking to see who else came up.

That has never been how I am, but it seems that the online dating enviroment encourages that behavior. Plus, all I have ever heard consistently from my friends is "rebound, rebound, beware the rebound..", so I was very cautious / scared to just focus on one person.

But it all got so draining..... So I took down my profile about a month ago, and am much happier now.

Basic logic dictates that as difficult as it is to keep up with one woman, trying to keep up with more than one is lunacy! The complications don't increase linearly; they increase exponentially, to the nth power!

Well, Gnome, it could be the first date is only so-so. You may not lose your heart all at once. And you know, there’s a way you can have some control if it does go well. Don’t jump in whole hog. For example, you could send an email or phone the next day to say you had a good time, and ask her out for the coming weekend, but not sooner. Then, don’t call or email for a couple of days. Then check in to make sure Friday or Saturday is still good.

I was lucky with M, because my kids forced us to move slowly, a lot more slowly than he probably would have liked. I found it a nice pace because he was so different from anyone I’d dated. It took me a while to get my feet on the ground.

I'm finally getting some spare time to chime in.


Guilty. But, I couldn't help myself. He was all that! With the exception of the dumping part of course. He set some standards though. It can't be all bad then right?!

All I would advise Gnome is don't throw your heart in all at once. Enjoy meeting her and go slowly. See what happens.
She could very well be the one you've waited to meet.
Don't forget to update us. We'll be waiting.

I've been on a site now for a couple of weeks. It's not going very well for me. I've emailed/talked and met 1 out of many contacts. I don't think this search thing is for me.
Better luck to you!

K.

So, how did it go????????????????

AGG

Darned if I can tell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It ended up with her warning me that she had started seeing another guy, but if I was OK with that, let's keep in touch. Coming from someone else I would be inclined to interpret that as a polite brush-off, but coming from her I'm inclined to think she meant it just the way she said. I think she wanted to meet me because I intrigued her, and I think she was more intrigued at the end of our date than she was at the beginning. She is a very complex person, but I was able to match her at every turn. I doubt there are many others out there who could do that, and she pretty much indicated the same.

That said, it wouldn't surprise me if in her eyes I fell (in my usual fashion) into the "interesting friend" category, and I'm not sure whether it would be any different if there were not another guy in the picture. I'm also not sure whether I am relieved or disappointed about the other guy. (It's probably some of both.) The way it is, there's no danger of taking anything too fast, and the most I risk is falling for someone who is unavailable. That's old, familiar territory for me. On the other hand...

She's...wow.

There were no instant fireworks on my end of the scale to rob me of my reason, but to the degree that it is possible to learn anything in two-and-a-half hours of conversation I was impressed and attracted at every level. And physically...is there any way to put this delicately? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I have never had much of a problem with lust. This lady was wearing jeans and a sweater, and if she had on makeup, it was very understated. There was nothing remotely flirtatious about her behavior. But even so, for the first time I can remember, I was forced to recognize that I could be very vulnerable to temptation if it were to be offered. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I had a great time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yipee. Personally, I think feeling a tad lustful is a great way to avoid the permanent friend category. Women want to be wanted in a nice way. And trust me, we know when a man is hot for us. Most of the time.

So, I take back all my advice. Since there’s competition, you need to ask her out a little more in advance of usual so the other guy doesn’t ask her first.

Sounds like it went very well Gnome! GREAT!!

K.

Oh crap. I'm gonna disagree with the ladies - this comment is a death knell. I can only interpret this comment as meaning that she currently has a better deal, but hey, if it falls through, she would consider having you take her out again. Eek.

AGG

Quote:
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It ended up with her warning me that she had started seeing another guy, but if I was OK with that, let's keep in touch.


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Huh. I don't know AGG.
I wouldn't keep someone on the side if I had just started seeing another guy, thus my response. But then again, I'm not the type to date multiples at one time.

K.