Good thinking switching phone providers!

Woo hoo, GDP, this is so exciting! I love living vicariously through others here -- I miss some of the excitement, but it's much less risky.

Not only do I love to hear the details of your budding romance, but it gives me hope when someone who's been here longer than I have (barely!) is moving from recovery into romance again.

Kisses are definitely more addictive than thin mints and also much less fattening. Hope you keep up the healthy diet!

Well, that question had already been answered by then, but it's good (and important) to know that the chemistry extends to the physical level. (From what she has said since, I was not the only one to be...er...affected.)

And good fortune that I didn't happen to be locked-in to my previous provider at this time!

Heh, heh. When I brought her flowers for her birthday, I would never have believed there would be so much potential for Valentine's Day...

GDP,

Hey Gnome! I've been on here almost as long as you have, and I just wanted to say congratulations to you! Yeah, I know - it is only a beginning - but still I'm really happy for you. Go win one for all of us! (Of course, you know what I mean, LOL)

-AD

Yeah, and don't forget to keep us updated!

Well... ???

AD, I appreciate the interest, but we're at the stage where there isn't a heck of a lot to say. The initial sizing-up phase is over, and we are settling in to see how things develop.

I've seen her four times in the last week, we've been talking every day, and...well, I'm still a little ahead of her on the degree of interest, but it's sure a nice and strange feeling to have someone interested in me at all for a change. To know that when I call she'll want to talk even if she can't right then. That she wants to spend time together. That she wants me to meet her friends and that she wants to meet mine.

We've had some good and very frank talks about a lot of relational issues. We know that there is a lot of undiscovered territory to explore, so we're trying to take our time with the development of this relationship; and yet we are both expressing hope (to each other) about its long-term potential.

You found a lot to say about what's going on in your relationship at the moment, GDP.

It's all sounding good & appropriate.

Four times in one week! Tee, hee.

Is it a bit scary, now that you've found what may be a compatible woman? The thought that you may have a relationship in your future, does it feel right yet worrisome too?

Good question, nams, like the one about dog lovers on AGG's thread. I remember feeling this way the last time, beginnning to wonder what sacrifices/compromises would be required of each of us and how that would work long term. Once we get what we think we want, we start to question it. We are funny creatures, aren't we?

Actually...no, it's not scary at all. Not any more. At first, yes, since I was concerned about falling too hard and too fast...

Once the fall is over, though, what's left to be afraid of?

No, it just feels right.

Wow, GDP, all I can say is I'm really happy for you!

This weekend I'm meeting her family. It seems she told her mother that she's thinks she's going to marry me, and since the word has spread and her siblings are going to be in town this weekend, I've become something of an object of curiosity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

If it seems that she might be going a little fast with that talk about marriage, I suppose I should admit that I, um, kind of asked her if she would. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> As proposals go, it wasn't particularly well-planned, but...I meant it. She hasn't said "yes," so what I said earlier about me being ahead of her on the degree of interest still applies. But the part about settling in to see how things develop...perhaps not so much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

If it seems that we're both going a little fast with this marriage thing, all I can say is that it "feels" right - to both of us - on so many levels it's absurd. And we've done our due diligence. We've talked about all the things you're supposed to talk about before getting to this point, we've agreed regarding all the areas of potential conflict which can reasonably be projected, and we've explored important areas of compatibility. So now we're left trying to figure out what we're supposed to be waiting for, and not coming up with much.

OMG! Of course it "FEELS" right, everything feels right & good at this stage.

You're waiting for the infatuation stage to lift a bit, for reality to creep it.

Are you joking with the marriage issue GDP?

Actually, I'm not joking.

I suppose it's pointless to say this, but that "feeling" I referred to is not about infatuation. Infatuation is plenty familiar to me, and I know better than to trust it. What I mean is, it "feels" right in the sense that our lifestyles and personalities (etc.) fit together well; it is easy to imagine living together in the mundane rather than just the romantic fantasy sense.

GDP,

I am largely speechless here, but I believe that you are making a horrible mistake.

I am not going to lecture to you, because you have been here a very long time, so you have seen firsthand how many people marry the wrong partner because they married too quickly (guilty).

Have you taken a vacation together? Have you seen her through all the seasons of the year? Have you observed how she handles stress? This and about 1000 other questions you need to answer before you even ponder if she is right for you.

Sorry to be like this, but this just makes no sense whatsoever to me.

AGG

There's no need whatsoever to apologize. That's fair feedback.

It would be nice to have a list of important observations to make prior to making such a decision. Of course we've spent a lot of time asking and answering questions, but obviously that's not enough.

I have to admit that I do not understand the significance of taking a vacation together, or of the seasons of the year, but clearly it is important to observe the handling of stress and conflict.

Hi old friend,

I hope you don't mind my jumping in here and writing a word or two. BTW...((GDP) GREETINGS!!

Okay, first things first. I have been following along for a long time now--silent but deadly, that's me! :P Well, OF COURSE I keep my eye on my friends, and OF COURSE I pray that your life is happy and full of love. Don't I say that every year on my Christmas cards?? huh?? So it has been of no small interest and happiness that I have been following along with the adventures here. As you might guess, though, I have a few things to say.

I am glad that the day came that you accepted that you were never going to have a long-term relationship with your Tiny Dancer. In my mind, even though I know that was not easy for you, that was the day when you began to open yourself to an actual, real relationship and not a sort of "fantasy" relationship. And I don't mean that Tiny Dancer was a fantasy--she was oh so real!--but the concept of a girl her age and a man your age being in the same place and of like-mind was probably moreso a wish in your head than based in reality.

So you did gradually somehow learn to let go of her and mourn that passing. And you put your neck out there to see if you couldn't meet and actual, compatible woman. GOOD FOR YOU!! I know that was pretty risky for you and I am very happy for you and very proud of you. And almost literally by accident-"ish" you meant the GirlScout Cookie (I'll call her Cookie for short now, okay?)

As you know, my divorce was final in 2003. For the next two years I just basically got my own head on straight and got myself back onto solid ground. I became the person I am and learned how to value the person I am and STAY the person I am in a relationship. I learned how to tell what was healthy for me and what was not...what was compatible with my personality and temperament and what was not...and generally, in broad strokes, the KIND of man that I would consider dating and the qualities and characteristics I would both require and prefer in a potential husband. I don't mean this mean, but I was 43yo this year, and it's not as if I was an infant anymore--I generally knew the TYPE of man I could marry.

Enter David. Like you, I sort of accidentally fell into him. I mean, I had gone on some dates and tried a few internet dating places, but the men I met through there were just not my type and I was growing discouraged. Okay--frankly I thought, "MAN, is this what is out there?" :P So I decided to just pray and wait, but keep my mind open to the possibility. When I met David, I knew very quickly that there were qualities about him that I admired (and I don't mean physically--I mean his gentleness and sense of humor and superior writing skills "and stuff"). So right off the bat, there were some things that were personality traits that were attractive to me. As I got to know him more, the more I got to know, the more I admired. And whilst I know most people on here might have said I was rushing it, I knew fairly quickly (within a month or two) that this was a man that I could marry. What I mean is this: not that he asked and not that I said yes, but that--yep--he had the sort of qualities and characteristics and personality and priorities that could match with mine.

Now, GDP, you are a wise Thinker of a man. I am confident you have thought and thought and thought some more about the general kind of qualities you would look for in a wife. For example, she would have to be a believer...she would have to be able to deal with a fairly introverted Thinker...she would have to be mentally stimulating...etc. etc. I have complete confidence that you have taken the time to evaluate yourself and from there, evaluate the KIND of woman who might be a potential wife.

I am also pretty confident that in an overall way, as you have gotten to know your Cookie, that she may fit many of the qualities and characteristics that you determined were requirements...and probably many that you thought of as preferences.

Therefore, I can see how you reached the conclusion that you could consider the "marriage" word and maybe speak it to her, and that she could speak it to her siblings, family etc. It's sort of logical. You, as a person, have a certain personality type (INTP??)-- and her personality type may be complimentary. You desire certain qualities like perhaps generosity and a subdued sense of humor -- and she seems to have them. Hey, in real life, based on the evidence SO FAR, it seems like she's the type of woman you could potentially marry!

BUT... (here's the but--you knew it was coming) ... I would join in with most of the rest of your friends here and say "Whoa, big fella!" It's one thing to go on your evaluations of what you want, and compare that to your talks together with her and how they may seem to fit...and quite another thing to actually spend some time making sure it's reality and not "seeing what you hope to see."

If you want to meet the family--YAY!--more power to ya! If you feel like she is the kind of person you could one day marry, good for you! But I would STRONGLY urge you to delay proposals and marriage for a while. I would suggest that instead, you two discuss exclusivity and perhaps begin planning for something a year or two down the road. For example, "Right now, I can see that you are the type of person who I might be able to marry. I would like to be exclusive, and if all goes well, in six months or so get you a promise ring, in 12 months get engaged, and six months after that, get married."

My point being that she may very well be the TYPE of person you could consider as a mate, but the fact of the matter is that you have not known her long enough yet to know if it's somewhat of an act. (No disrespect intended.) She may have ENORMOUS financial issues or legal issues that would be partially your responsibility--and you want to know that BEFORE a wedding, not after. She may have several ex-husbands (haha). Oh, GDP, you get my drift.

I met David, and within about two months I knew he was the KIND of man that I could marry. About two months after that, he asked me if I would marry him one day when he asked me, and I said I would. About nine months after that, we set a date and began planning, and we were married March 31st. Unlike 20-year olds, we had already been through what it's like to live with a partner, and what it's like to pay bills with a spouse, and and we did not have to make those kinds of NEW adjustments...just adjust to each other. But we were so compatible that even adjusting to each other was not hard.

And my final word of advice to you is this. I have been there--I know. In some ways the second marriage is even harder than the first, because in addition to the usual marriage things that you have to adjust to--there's also ex-spouses, step-children, alimony or child support, courts, and just additional things to adjust to! So enter this SOBERLY. Second marriage is NOT for the faint of heart. By the same token, you are a thoughtful, intelligent man and I suspect I am only telling you what you know in your heart to be true. So listen to yourself.

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

Good! That's all it's meant to be.


Well, these were just two examples in a myriad of things you need to observe rather than just talk about. You can talk about things for days and weeks and still not know a person. The whole "actions speak louder blah blah".

I have seen people who change drastically when away from their "safe" environment; hence the "vacation" comment. I have also seen people who change with the seasons - a new side sometimes comes out when the seasons change - different moods, different hobbies/passions, etc.

Again, these are just two examples, but there are countless others. I must ask, why the hurry to offer marriage to someone you have spent so little time with? What's the hurry? Babies/biological clocks perhaps? If not, I don't see any reason to hurry. If that is the hurry, then I would say to slow down even more, as kids are a huge obligation, and getting married in a hurry to have kids is a recipe for disaster.

AGG