Back in May of 05 I found out my DH was very friendly with a co-worker. He had sent her flowers for her b-day, took her to a work party without me even knowing at the time among many other things I could list. Well I got in contact with her husband the day we found out. Supposedly my husband was golfing with her that day but later I found he "looked" at hotel reservations for the town they were golfing in. So, we thought we busted them and thought they severed all ties but they still worked in the same office. BTW she did get written up for going to lunch too much with co-workers. She was the office manager. No eithics I tell ya!

So we have been moving along and doing good and bad some days since May of 05. I felt a lot better after finding out she left the company in the spring of 06. Thought that was great and there would be no contact at all. DH said he didn't know where she went to and that he had no contact with her.

So on to this week. I get a call out of the blue from her DH. Supposedly she had an affair again at her second job that she eventually confessed to. He put spyware on her computer and found out pw's and all that. So, find some e-mails between her and my DH. They occurred from Nov 05 to apr. or may of 06. I have seen them. A couple of love poems. Pics of DH and kids on our family vacation that was in march of this year. And one sent item from her to him saying what's up. no response on there. Pretty convincing, right? Well, DH denies it and says the guy made it all up because he is miserable in his marriage and doesn't trust his wife. Also, the guy is suppose to send me IM's from his spyware that show them chatting as recently as Nov. 6th. Says it was just friendly talk but my DH says they aren't talking so what's up with that?

I don't know what to do. I have read the post for newbies but still don't know what to do. What do you do when he won't admit to anything at all? I so want my marriage to work and I know he does too. I know he doesn't want to break up our family and he does love me. I think his ego is so huge that it will be shot down so much if he admits to it.

Any advice on what step i take next.

hopeful, you don't need him to admit what you already know so stop even arguing about it. You know the truth, he knows the truth and neither of you need his admission to know you know it. So stop even debating about it. Don't ASK him if he did it, tell him YOU KNOW.

Tell him you love him and want to work your marriage, but he must first agree to send her a no contact letter [written together and mailed by you - we have samples] and to never be in contact with her again. He should agree to open up his life in complete transparency to you.

And most importantly, yall have to get into marriage counseling to find out what has led to his affair and resolve it. If the problem that led to the affair is not solved, it will happen AGAIN.[as you can see!]

a good book for you would be Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can get it on this website. An article that would benefit you NOW is the Four Rules of Protection. I would read it carefully and print it up for your H:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

kudos to the OWH for being compassionate enough to contact you!

Welcome. WOW - pictures of your family vacation and he denies it???? That is a new one.

I think your husband is afraid to tell you that he kept in contact with her.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

I am new to this process so . . . . can you do plan A if they don't admit to anything?

Oh yes. Well you know he could have sent those to another person who gave them to her husband to make the fake e-mail. Yeah right.

H, Plan A and Plan B are designed to bust up an affair so you are past that point. You are into the PROTECTION and recovery phase, ie: PROTECT your marriage from a resumption and recovery.

So, i have busted it because I have the e-mails? Those were from before and not current. I have yet to see the proof from this woman's husband on the recent IM's. I want to beleive DH over this man I barely know but that is hard. Then again this guy was driving me crazy on the phone today. Telling me I better get an attorney and file first so I get the kids and all that. Telling me about GPS stuff and how much it costs. I want to WORK on my marriage not get a divorce just like that. DH and I have had a rough 2-3 years. But we have been together for 13 years. Married for 8

If you don't believe him over your H, then have him send you the evidence. But I would be astonished to learn that this guy would go to the trouble of constructing such a ruse to frame an innocent man. Especially since we know that your H has done this in the past. The one who has motive to lie and who is untrustworhy is your husband, NOT his victim.

But, if you think the other victim is a liar who is setting up your H, then get the evidence. I had no idea you thought the man was lying. I am stunned.

ok, I am completely confused now and don't understand what you want. You say right here that you HAVE the evidence:


If you have seen the emails haven't you seen proof?

But, if you think the guy made it all up and is lying, then why are you here??

Mel, she's seen the e-mails but not the IM's, or at least that's what I understood. I think she should have the OW's H send all the evidence she has. Then she should copy all of it and store it out of her house in a safe place, and confront her H with the copies.

It may take getting an attorney to prepare papers for filing and confronting him with both at the same time to get his attention, as being busted before didn't. Perhaps a bit melodramatic, but certainly a iron fisted approach.

Your thoughts?
SD

SD

sd, I wonder if she will even believe the IM's since she doesn't believe the emails. I agree with your strategy but I wonder if she will just take the word of her H over the other betrayed spouse. In that case, there is nothing to discuss.

Listen, if there has been ANY communication between the OW and your husband, then the affair CONTINUES.

Get the evidence mailed to you, make copies, save the originals in a safe place off your property, and confront him with EVIDENCE that he cannot deny. You should then expose him to his parents, siblings and any very close friends that are friends of your marriage.

He has got to be made to realize that this is an EA, emotional affair, whether he admits to it or not.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley while you are waiting for the evidence to arrive. Taking no action at all is enabling the EA to continue. Whatever attention he devotes to her, he is stealing from your marriage.

Please keep posting and learning. People here will walk and talk you through doing things in the way of the Marriage Builder's philosophy, which is one of, if not the best, measure for surviving an affair.

Best wishes,
SD

I'm sorry if I sound so confusing right now but that is what I am. No, I DO belive the e-mails. It's pretty hard to deny that. They were made up ID's (different from the normal one my DH uses every day) that they used but the info is from my DH. It's just that I haven't seen the IM's to know that conversation and what not are going on now. I am trying to wait patiently for those. If I didn't believe all of this stuff then I wouldn't have lost 7 pounds in 5 days and not sleeping well.

Let me also add that even though they were "caught" in the spring of 05 and were to stop seeing and talking to each other, knew that was nearly impossible when they still worked in the same office. So, those e-mails are from when she did work there. Not surprised. He said after she left the job that he didn't have any contact with her so I need to see that proof from her DH. Even though he told me stuff that was said in those IM's about their previous work place that I don't think he would have known without seeing something from my DH. Apparently there is nothing flirty just casual work conversation. Or should I say conversation about work people.

I just don't know what to do in the moment. I'm so torn and hurt. While I am waiting do I just try be the best wife I can to him so he can see how good I am or what? I am sitting here constantly worried about never knowing what they could do during the work day. I'll never always know who he talks to or goes to lunch with M-F.

So, it is ok for him to stay in contact with his girlfriend as long as its not too flirty?

Oh no. I'm not saying that is ok. Not at all. If he is still talking to her then that means he has lied to me and why would he do that??? Because he is guilty would be my guess.

He already knows how good you are, so you don't have to do that. The time for Plan A is over. I would ask him to send her a no contact letter that is written by you both and mailed by you. You don't need to wait for the evidence to know he has been in touch with her. The OWH did not just make all this up.

Start working on a solution today.

I would ask him to open up his life to you, ie: cell phone bills, access to work email, etc. Follow the guidelines on the link I gave you titled Rules for Protection.

And most importantly, hopeful, y'all have to commit to a program of recovery or this will happen again. If the reasons for his affair are not resolved, you are likely facing another affair. Read the Harley books, Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs; call Steve Harley and get some counseling and guidance on how to solve this.

One other tip, the OWH is a real friend and ally to you. I hope you can appreciate that. He did you a huge favor by alerting you to this problem. I would plan on staying in touch with him just to touch base and ensure the affair stays killed. Its a crying shame your husband and his wife put the poor man in this sorry situation.

Sample NO CONTACT letter


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

First, I want to thank you for your advice and honesty. You do give me hope if I can get these tools to work. DH is still in the stage of denying these e-mails are true. Don't I need him to admit to something before I can ever ask him to write one of these letters. BTW I so hope we can use what you posted!

Hopeful, you don't need his admission to know they are true. You have the proof. Just tell him that. He only compounds the crime by denying them. Let him know that you are willing to forgive him for this affair relapse, but that cannot be done if he persists in lying. Again, don't ASK him if he did it, tell him YOU KNOW HE DID. You don't NEED his admission to know the truth.