The Story:
Last year my husband gave me a ring on our 10 year anniversary. His comment was how expensive it was and hope I was happy. I was hurt because I thought that our anniversary would be special time revolving around the love we had created for each other in the past ten years, but instead it turned into an issue. I refused to wear the ring because he said he wasn't sure why he loved me. I was very hurt, probaly wrong, but hurt. About a week an a half after this he came to me and said he had never loved me and the only reason he was around was the children. Oh, before the whole ring thing and for years we had a disagreement on going out drinking at bars with the guys. He wanted to and I couldn't understand why. Of course he wouldn't let me go out with the girls dancing, and so I just thought that we had come to an agreement to make us both happy. He began asking for more freedom and I began letting him have whatever he wanted. He told me he was going to take a job at a ski resort to get some expirence with EMT work. He met a Women who he slept with two times. He met with her on the evening and was never home, but told me all along that nothing was wrong. As soon as this began, I began to know that he was having an affair. I confronted him and he denied and denied... Finally, I told him I knew everything and how he had been calling her an dmeeting her after work. He admitted he slept with her and said that he went out with her after work. By this time it was the first week in January and the affair was over. He said she told her husband and they were going to couseling. She continued to call him and he continued to carry around her number. He said she kept calling for awhile and he tried to ask her to stop and so he didn't answer her messages. I felt that the A was over. He refused to send a letter saying that he didn't want to start her calling or contacting him again......

He completely commited to me- I think- We tore up all credit cards, got rid of his cell phone, checked his hours at work that matched his pay, he has been home all the time never allowing for a moment to possible be with anyone else!!! The only thing I had no control over until this point is his email at work and his 1/2 hour lunch time. During the summer when school was out I woudl surprise him at lunch and never saw anything weird. I began to trust that things were getting better. By the end of summer he was beginning to see and say things to indicate his love for his family and his commtment to us. He recently just took a new job, in which he is not around a computer and is out constantly training. I figured if there was anything suspicious, then it would come out now. His time commitment is still the same although his hours vary from day to day due to the nature of training. The only thing that has changed is that I have seen some interesting things on the computer......

The sneakyness:
I feel marriage should be open. I tell my husband EVERYTHING- probaly too much at times, but he is more reserved and tends to not express his emotions. I have encouraged him to find a friend to talk to since he refuses to go to a counselor. Yesterday, I found a secret email account that he has been checking. He thought I was asleep in the middle of the night an came out to the computer to check his mail. I quiety came out an asked what he was doing, he turned away and pushed me away from the computer.I commeted that he had an email account that he was keeping from me. He said yes. I was shocked. We had agreed to be transparent until I developed some trust in him. We still haven't even reached D-day and I am finding more things. I told him in marriage their are not secrets and that he had two options because I wasn't going to continue in a marraige that I would be hurt all the time from lies. #1- he showed me the email and explained anything shady or #2 I was leaving. He refused to show me the email.

I packed my bags and loaded them into the car. I came back in and said- look I would prefer not to leave with the kids a week before christmas, but you gie me no choice. He explained that he didn't want to see me hurt from the mean things he had written to his friend about me and the marraige. He said it was his way of venting some of the problems that have occurred. He said- What have I done for you not to trust me. Since the affair I have done nothing but commit to you and the family- I have gone no where done nothing and have tried to make our marriage work- I want our family. What he says is true. We compromised that as long as he was not sneaky about his email and could open it during wakign hours, then I would be okay with it. We went to sleep. I woke up freezing cold!!!! I was shaking, and screaming and had some serious nightmares that I hadn't had since i was 7. I said I think this was a sign that i wasn't comfortable with our compromise, we came to the living room to talk where the computer had been completely shut down without any other power failure in the house. I accused him of shutting it down. He said no matter what I do you won't ever trust me and left saying it was over. He is the type to never coem back. I expected him to be gone for good. He came back an hour later said he was back first because he didn't touch the computer and secondly for the kids. After some talking- he admitted that he was back because he loved me and was sorry for hurting me now and during the affair. Also eary that night in our conversation, he said things tome that I had been waiting to hear for a year.- That he was deeply sorry for all he had done and he knew how much it hurt and that he had a hard time saying he was sorry. I really felt good about those things............ when he left for work, he left me the email address and password to check what was on there.

Now what..... I thought maybe I should check the mail to show him that I trust him, but I don't. why lie? So this morning I did. Nothing bad was on there. It makes me wonder whay would he care? The only two things I can think of are #1- he was right in saying that he wanteed to feel like he had dignity and this was the last thing I had taken from him. or #2- He deleted it all?????

Just need some imput on what to do now. Being Christmas makes it hardest of all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Other things to consider:
In the past three years, my husband and I have been throught enormous amounts on stress including: new baby, death of dog, death of two family members, a stolen house, homemlessness due to a mold issue in our house, hospitalization of our son, a new business that is falling apart, the Affair, he parents not speaking with us, making contact with my family after 7 years.......which I really feel has imapacted our quality of life and some of the reasons for the affair.

From Penalty Kill

cfc, my opinion as a FWW is that the FWS has forfeited his/her right to secrecy of any kind, particularly involving email accounts. Secrecy is anxiety provoking for a BS. And turnabout is, of course, fair play. Anything you do should be open to him. But it sounds like you are doing that already.

My computer/cell phone is completely open to my husband; he can check anything he wants at any time. In fact, I welcome it; it's tangible proof that I am being faithful. I don't see the same openness in your marriage, and I must say that I question whether the OW's H was ever told of the A, which is probably why contact still continued (continues? open that email account!)

I'm sorry for all the stress you have dealt with. You've had a tough go.

And next time? Don't pack your bags. No reason you should leave your home. Legally it's not a good idea.

Take care.

My bet's with #2. If he acted like there was something to hide, then there was likely something to hide.

Was he using Outlook Express to send/receive e-mail for that account? Perhaps he forgot to empty the "Deleted Items" folder. Also, check in the "Sent" folder - sometimes people forget to clear that one.

He would have had no time to check it.
Not that I am fighting his side- of course I want to believe him, BUT He was in bed asleep with me for two hours after I found out. I sleep really lightly. It would be extremely rare for me to not wake up when he gets out of bed. Secondly, he left for two hours after that. I can't imagine where he could go at 5:00 am to check email or delete anything. I know I am probaly being foolish, but I really want to believe that everything he said is true. I just don't understand why he would hide what was there if there was really nothing there unless he really felt like he had no dignity.

Oh and how does anyone feel about having outside lives?
My H says all of his friends can do whatever they want and go wherever and are trusted. I remind him he had an affair and to allow me to trust him again I need transparency. The porblem is he has never opened up. He is always a little withdrawn when it comes to expressing feeling and ideas. Even before the Affair i didn;t trust him because he would keep things from me because he was nervous to tell me. I have tried to not react negatively, but he just expects me to. In counseling, the counselor told him this was a problem because I could change and he would never know because he would always expect that I wasn't different.

I think I would continue in Plan A and install a keylogger. Then you will find out the truth. My bet is he is a liar.

Why would I do that? I know he will be using it and it is not a secret anymore. Or do you think that he will start a new account somewhere else.

I am not try to say your idea is bad by any means. I just want to know why you think that.

I felt that we were past plan A and finally in recovery What do you consider the transition between the two?


What if I am wrong and he isn't lying? That could ruin my marriage forever...

What exactly does a keylogger do? Does it tell you dates and times or just log in information? Aren't there other ways to find out sites that people have been on? What about spyware what is that and could it help me?

cfc - I am not a computer expert. Lots of other people here know. But a keylogger will let you see everything he writes on the computer. I find it very, very odd that he would sneak onto the computer that early in the AM. If I were you, I would want to know what is going on.

thanks!

I appreciate your feedback, I always feel I never get enough feedback on this site

Weekends are slow. But for more feedback, you can post to yourself, which will bring it back to the top of the forum, and you can change the title, (be sure to use same thread) to ask more things.

When my Squid was trying to keep her affair going after I discovered it, she bought a secret cellphone to contact OM with.

I found this and monitored activity for a while then I text messaged her with a note that said " can you bring home a litre of milk please?". She was very very angry. Talked to me about trust violations which was hilarious! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway I did not take it from her. She knew I knew about it but continued to use it anyway. I told her that using it hurt me , but I would not stop her because I wanted her to choose not to hurt me. After a few weeks she gave me the phone and never used it again.

Seems to me the same plan may work with your H ?

Who is this "friend" to whom he is emailing these hurtful things that he has to say about your marriage? Do you know the identity of this person?

Also, his excuse of not wanting you to read the emails in that account because he doesn't want you to be hurt by the mean things he says about you and your marriage - that doesn't wash. Whatever he is saying about you and the marriage, you should know about it. There is no valid reason I can think of that he could have for keeping that from you.

Of course he deleted all the incriminating evidence before giving you access to the account - if you found nothing, then it's OBVIOUS that's what he did!!! Where were the messages where he "said mean things about you and the marriage?"

Just a thought that he may have created a new bogus email account just for you to see that there was nothing there. So he could still hide the real one.

He is no doubt still lying about it and covering it up either way.

HI sorry it had been awhile I still don't trust him! I am notsure if it is just because I don't trust him or he is really up to something? 1 year since D-day! When he is not at work, we spend all our waking hours together! I am thinking about a keylogger. Anyone know anything about these? If I have norton anti-virus and anti-spyware can I run them together? ANy other things? I have also found a calling card and got text messages onhis old phone he hasn't had for a yearfrom another woman.