On the Friday night thing...Neak's idea about playing with the men's cologne samples at the mall is a good idea. Just get the whiff of one of 'em onto you, though!

When you get back...maybe if you wear a button up shirt, have it buttoned up slightly wrong? Tousle your hair a little bit. Maybe use some eyedrops to make your eyes extra dewy-looking and sparkly. Maybe bite you lips enough so that they are naturally reddened and give the impression of being a teensy bit swollen? Be sweet and a little "breathless"

Oh, gosh! I dunno! Maybe this is all a bit over the top? Forget the button-up-wrong shirt idea, and probably the rest, too. I think the idea is to make him wonder if somebody else might be trying to move in on "his territory" without making him think you're screwing around, too. A little manly scent around you won't hurt...after all, you could have danced with someone.

Anyway, being a police officer, he may start trying to keep tabs on you (which should really go over BIG with OW...NOT!), but he will go crazy when he can't find anything on you, which should make him start coming over more often so he can figure out what's going on with you...thus giving you more Plan A ops.

Oh...and when he's around, if you DO wear panties, make it thongs...with the low-riders, and bend over occasionally
so he can get a peek at the thong.

Push up bras are good, too. Particularly if you start wearing more revealing shirts/tops. If you wear a button-front shirt, unbutton one more button than you usually do. If you're still perky enough...no bra works good, too...especially with a THIN top.

Oh...and some men get turned on by women who work out.

So....get a workout tape and some cute and revealing lycra workout clothes. If you have long hair, put it up into a tousled, but cute, ponytail. Work yourself up into a slight sweat (enough to be "dewy") around the time you expect him to arrive. When he arrives, just be casual and friendly. Grab a towel and start patting off some of that dewiness, but do it in a seductive manner. If you put your hair up into a ponytail, you could pull the ponytail holder off and let your hair just kind of tumble down...as you smilingly chit-chat with him. I understand that the sight of a woman's hair tumbling down really gets to some men. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Maybe use both hands to kinda lift your hair off your neck and let it fall down again. That will give him something else to look at, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You could then say something like "Oh, look at the time! I've got to get ready!" Excuse yourself to go take a shower. You could go into your room, just push the door almost shut, start stripping down...and then "realize" that the door is pen and firmly shut the door. If he's peeking, then shutting the door should get to him a little. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hey! Maybe even get one of those FAKE tattoos to put on your hip or back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

THE QUEEN OF CLEVER HAS ARRIVED!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Quote:
Refresh my short, faulty memory. How long have you been doing Plan A, and how long has the A been going on?

PA began 3/12/04 (her email was beg312...can you believe it??) Dday was June 28. Spent summer and fall LBing and unwittingly aiding and abeting the destruction of my M. I really started lurking here about 12/1, then finally registered and started getting great advice here. Probably my first real day of Plan A was 12/10. I reached out to him that day with honesty and caring (it was our 12 yr. anniversary). Soo...not long at all. I'm going for the very quick and very dirty (but in a good way!) Plan A, followed by a very dark B. If I can Plan A for a month, I'll feel proud, but I'll go longer if I can. Just gotta get those opportunities for interaction...and I'm hoping that with Christmas break, there will be more opportunities than there would be otherwise. I'm taking whatever advantage I have.

Any particular reason you ask?

Mostly just wondering how long till you needed to start your Plan B prep.

Dr. Harley's recommendation (updated since the book) is 1 1/2-3 months for women.

But with a killer Plan A of the quality you are doing, I think a month would probably be enough if that's all you could stand.

So many A's peter out close to the 6mo mark, and they are already well over that, so chances are good they are on shaky ground already. Plan B will just kill it off that much faster.

Wow, Lady had some great suggestions! I really liked the working out one, especially. You are going to drive this guy bonkers!

And Melody, dear, WHO YA CALLIN A HO????????

We march commando, bwaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Geez...I step away to bake cookies for DS school Christmas party and look what I come back to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> This is all great fun to read!

But here's where I have to pick and choose. I'm all for stretching my comfort zone, because I think that's very healthy and promotes growth, but I still have to be ME. You know what I mean? If I go too over the top, he'll know it's just a farce because he knows ME. And one of the reasons that Plan Aing works for me right now is because I finally get to be true to ME. I do love my H, not the WH, but my H. I can Plan A because it allows me to be honest with myself about that, and at the same time demonstrate my love to him AND respect myself AND maintain my integrity.

Operation PP and the perfume (so now it's Operation PPP!) work for me. The little whispers work for me. Was it Pep's thing, about getting WH's attention through a whisper? Movies and time spent as a family work for me. VMs and TMs that are a teeny bit suggestive work for me. Dropping admiring comments works great for me. That's more who I am--actually, it's who I WAS ONLY BETTER, and I believe it's more what WH would respond to in me, because that's what he responded to me when he met me and married me.

OW is so much more the "oh, I'm so sweaty, notice me with my hair in my eyes so that I look alluring. Even on a 90 degree day with 89% humidity, I will never wear a ponytail because it distracts from my look. And even if I'm just folding laundry, I'm always in my high heels and dressed up." If you would have asked my H four years ago what he thought of someone like that he would have scoffed and how high maintenance and self-absorbed she was. Mind you, I'm nothing to sneeze at...WH has said many times that I'm better looking than she is. I always look nice and trendy and pretty...I definately care about how I look, I just don't fuss over myself. To me, that would just be fake, and I know he would see through it. I can push it, but not too far...because it would him away either because it scared him or because he would know it wasn't sincere and he couldn't trust me.

And I don't say this for him...it's for me, too! I know who I am now. I don't need to be someone I'm not to be worthy of love and affection and (dammit!!) friggin' adoration from my HUSBAND. He knew the real me when he met me, he knew the real me when he asked me to marry him, he knew the real me when he said I do. The real me had his children, the real me cried on his shoulder as my dad died. The real me also didn't work hard enough at my marriage, but the real me owns up to that and is willing to fight for it. But I won't give up the real me.

Gee...(looking over my shoulder)...Where did THAT come from?? Is that my Power talking? It sounds so ungracious! I don't want to offend anyone...actually all the comments are so helpful, because as I read through, I was thinking, I can't do that, I can't go that far. But I want to be clear it's not because I'm afraid or not willing...it's that it's just not ME.

BTW: I believe WH's quote was "she doesn't hold a candle to you in so many ways." (this was early August) About the same time was when he told me that he "love you to my core." Words, words, words.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Was this a lightbulb moment for me? Hmmm...maybe it's just because it's almost 1 a.m. and I have to get up extra early to finish these cut out cookies. Anything for my sweet DS8! (sweet DS11 doesn't need his cookies til Friday)

(((((all around))))

LilSis

Just so ya know that I'm still listening: I am starting a pilates class in January. And I'm SO going to find some cute little yoga outfit...Target has some cute stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOW!!! Listen to you ....!!
Way to be impressive, sis. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are SOOOOO far ahead of the game. And certainly ahead of any sweaty high-heeled overdone OW.....

(I'm working on cupcakes for school parties tomorrow .... but it's only 11 here.)

-AmI.

ML, wanna call me wife and give her some lessons???? In lap dance that is, not **snort** !!!!!

Anyway, the idea of wearing the panties once before planting them is brilliant....Good luck !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

You were right, Pep...the guys ARE here...

Hey, there's nothing wrong with lurking. You know, this is the most action I've gotten in six months.

OMG..this is a MB PLAN A Gold Mine..LOVE IT..LOVE IT!!!

Seriously, though, Sis, I want to help you out with some of your thinking on this..

You say:



I'm not exactly sure where you are going with this..but PLAN A is about CHANGING and demonstrating your CHANGES to your WH. At first he will think your changes are a FARCE (as you say)..but you maintain those CHANGES..so that he realizes that it is not a FARCE..Straight from Steve Harley: "HE HAS TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED. You do not want to be the ME that you WERE. It was the ME that you WERE that created the conditions for TURD to make her way into your H's heart. Don't make the mistake that I did in being SELF-RIGHTEOUS. I was called on making statements such as yours by STEVE HARLEY. You see what I mean? It's about MINDSET. I understand what you are saying but there is a NEED FOR YOU TO CHANGE even it feels like you are GOING OVER THE TOP....With practice, you will feel comfortable with the NEW YOU....



This is what Pep was talking about yesterday. PLAN A is NOT about what works FOR YOU. It's about what works for your WAYWARD HUSBAND. I know, YUCK.... totally your GIVER and not your TAKER....



What I am about to say may HURT... but this is the mindset that is necessary for the BATTLE...I had to come to accept this about the OW in my case...HE IS "IN LOVE" with this woman now. She is the one that is filling his LOVE BANK. He sees everything about her as being WONDERFUL. THIS IS YOUR OPPONENT. Face the fact that he may ADORE all of the ABOVE NOW..It won't bother him until PLAN B.

SO NOW YOU HAVE TO CREATE OVER-THE-TOP MEMORIES OF YOU WHEN HE HAS TO BE WITH HER 24/7.



ANOTHER SAD FACT...The H that you once knew and had is GONE. A part of him NOW may like a high maintenance/self-absorbed woman or whatever she is....THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING ABOUT HER THAT HE FINDS TO BE EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE....



You see, something about this mindset is concerning me for you. I don't know exactly how to put it into words. Speaking from my experience, I had to come to grips with the fact that so much of what I assumed was so RIGHT AND GOOD about myself as a WIFE was WRONG. During PLAN A, I was instructed by Steve to demonstrate my CHANGES. Steve encouraged me to continue to PRACTICE so that I felt more AUTHENTIC. Your specifics may be different than mine.

I HAD TO DEMONSTRATE MY CAPACITY TO MEET THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS THAT I HAD NOT BEEN MEETING. H' need for ADMIRATION...H's need for AFFECTION....

THIS IS YOUR GOAL DURING PLAN A...DEMONSTRATING YOUR CAPACITY TO MEET THE PARTICULAR NEEDS THAT YOU WERE NOT MEETING....

There is a need for us to make changes in ourselves given changes in age and in circumstances. I'm not recommending that you give up the essence of who you are. I didn't give up the essence of who I am..but I WAS NOT PERFECT. You are NOT PERFECT and it is important for your own self-interest, whether with your H or not, that you are ALWAYS OPEN TO PERSONAL CHANGE....



THIS IS SOO..SOOO..KEY...This tells you that you need to MAKE CHANGES in the areas where SHE IS SUCCEEDING...SHOW YOUR CAPACITY TO MEET THE NEEDS THAT SHE IS NOW MEETING...In PLAN B, she will FAIL at meeting ALL OF HIS NEEDS...

HE HAS TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED AND YOUR CHANGE IS AUTHENTIC AND REAL....

I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I HAVE NEVER TURNED BACK INTO THE WIFE THAT I WAS PRIOR TO PLAN A..even when my then WH was trying to provoke me back into being that wife.

Had an inspriation this morning and don't know why it didn't come to me earlier. Guess I was distracted by all the panty talk.

You may recall that WH and FIL will be alone with the boys on Christmas Eve, which is when their family always celebrates. I think that will be really, really pathetic given that usually there is a housefull of family and a great meal. You may also recall that MIL (totally my advocate) escaped the chaos and drama by leaving early for their place in AZ; she'll be missing Christmas entirely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

So here's my idea...enlist MIL's help to get me invited to Christmas Eve. After all, WH, FIL and the boys will be celebrating at the IL's house (even though she's not there), and I would hope that MIL has some sway with FIL. If she told FIL that I will be alone on Christmas Eve, etc., how could he NOT invite me? After all, it's his house, my boys are there, and he should darn well be able to have over whomever he chooses, regardless of what WH thinks. Just because he's living there (rent free) doesn't mean he shoud dictate who is invited to the house for Christmas.

I would even be willing to make the traditional casserole my MIL usually makes, along with a number of other familiar goodies. I think a woman's touch is essential to a happy holiday, don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW...LilSisSis has invited me for Christmas Eve, so I'm not really out in the cold, but no one has to know that, now, do they? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

What do you think? Brilliant??

Can't you just go without being invited?

"I've decided that I want to be MY WHOLE FAMILY on Christmas?"

drive the boys to FILs
bring food
take off your coat
laugh
give hugs
give compliments
be warm
be Christmassy
don't leave without the boys

~voila~

"After all, it's his house, my boys are there, and he should darn well be able to have over whomever he chooses, regardless of what WH thinks. Just because he's living there (rent free) doesn't mean he shoud dictate who is invited to the house for Christmas."

You are trying to create the positive. I see a lot of potential negative in this if it will upset your H. Just a thought.

mimi:
Okay...I'm working with you here. Let me see if I'm understanding. What I have to do is demonstrate through my actions that I have CHANGED. That I am NO LONGER the same safe, boring wife that I was. That **I** can infuse some excitement into his life. That I am willing to REALLY go outside my comfort zone...far, far out of my comfort zone...to be VERY demonstrative in my admiration and attraction to him.

One really significant point that you make is that it will become more comfortable. I hadn't considered that.

I guess the suggestion that elicited my reaction last night (at 1 AM) was along the lines of making him believe that I'd been with another guy (shirt mis-buttoned, etc.)

Part of what I'm struggling with is that, to me, one element in being a lighthouse is that WH needs to know that the lighthouse leads to land; that it is real, that it is home, that it is true...that it's not just one of those bouys out in the middle of the ocean bobbing around and would leave him stranded. It's about gaining WH's trust, not just trust/belief that I have changed, but trust that I am doing this from a postion of sincerity and love. Does this make ANY sense? I don't know if I'm expressing it correctly, and if I am, I may still be off base.

So...I'm with you on being WAY more out there than I had thought I needed to be to TRULY, OVERTLY DEMONSTRATE MY AFFECTION AND ADMIRATION FOR HIM IN VERY RADICAL WAYS. I just question crossing some sort of line that would not demonstrate that I am coming from a position of trust-worthiness, truth and love. After all, RT is absolutely not trust-worthy or true. She's all about lying and deceit. I still think I can do things that are radical and demonstrative without sacrificing my authenticity.

Is there a way to balance this, or am I still NOT getting it? Please walk me through...I really appreciate it!

LilSis

Having his WIFE and BOYS with him on Christmas Eve might upset the WH, it would not upset your H

I vote go
assume that if your sons are to be there ... you are also invited

if you are asked to leave by WH
go to FIL and say your goodbyes ... and TAKE the kids back to their HOME with their MOM

but no scene
no yelling
no argueing
no 'nuttin
leave pleasantly

surrender FIL's right to have whomever he wants in his home

but take your kids with you if you leave

desiring family time Christmas Eve may indeed "upset" your WH ... but he does have a family & he does have a wife .... and part of his consequences of adultery is the pain of such situations of his creation

do not forget
Plan A is also a stick
not just a carrot

the stick is ~~~> WH does NOT get to order up Christmas with the kids and kick out his wife

sorry Charlie

Pep

IMHO... not only do you get it... that was about as perfect as I could imagine. You didn't ask for my input on it... but I think you hit the nail on the head!

sorry Pep... but you are dead wrong here. The kids should not be used as pawns and that is what your actions are advocating. This should all be worked out ahead of time to avoid ANYTHING that will create conflcit for the kids on Christmas. If it cannot be worked out for her to go... the kids should stay with her in her home. But work it out ahead of time.


ls...imagine for a moment the turmoil these suggestions would create. If you are asked to leave and attempt to take the kids with you and you WH does not agree there is potential for a major scene. And if you do not have legal custody and the police are called... you wind up leaving without the kids.... trust me, it happens.
Or imagine your WH decides that it is okay for you to leave with the kids..then you have to tell the kids... say goodbye to dad and grandpa... this has to be upsetting to them. Another potential scene.
Be above all of this. Get the okay ahead of time and if none comes... you and the WH can work out the details of the day ahead of time.
Do you really believe that SH would advocate what is being suggested here? I say not a chance!