Confidence needs a little boost this morning, folks.

I finally called FIL last night about 9:30. He didn't seem nearly as enthusiastic about my attendance at Christmas Eve as MIL had indicated (althought he did say he thought he was coming down with something so maybe he was just feeling crappy). He was sort of wishy-washy...said he had strongly suggested to WH that he and I work something out so that we can be together with the boys for at least a short time during Christmas. WH works a 12-hour shift on Christmas Day, and I'm going to my mom's, so it has to be Christmas Eve or not at all.

From my point of view, it should be FIL's call. If he thinks it's important that we spend time together--for whatever reason--then he should have me over as a full participant in the evening's activities (meal, fellowship, presents). To me it's as simple as that. I really don't understand why WH gets to dictate what happens in his parent's house. And frankly, to sort of leave this up in the air when I offered to prepare a meal is...well... rude. Apparently FIL believes that entire meals just magically appear on the table. Further, does it occur to him that if I am not to be with them, then I would like the opportunity to try to find somewhere else to spend the evening so that I'm not alone on Christmas Eve??

So anyway, I told FIL that either way, to please plan on me bringing over the meal. We talked a bit longer, and ended up leaving it that I would bring the meal over at about 5:00. I guess they will let me know then if I can actually participate in the "festivities."

Ouch.

After my conversation with FIL, I left a VM for WH, very cheery again, but telling him how nice it would be if we could spend Christmas Eve together with the boys--it would mean so much to them, and to me as well: that I missed him, loved him, and would like to celebrate Christ's birth with him and as a family. Maybe that was too much, but it is honest and heart-felt. I said all of this in a cheery enough tone...but it is a serious matter, so it's not as if it is something that can be said playfully.

I was a little concerned about how serious it was, so I called back a minute later and laughingly left a VM saying that--oops!--I had forgotten to tell him that I never got a chance to watch that movie the night before, so if he wanted to, I was just getting ready to put it in. "Could be fun!" I said. Click.

I have a call in to MIL on the premise that I need her recipe for her traditional peppermint ice cream dessert (I actually do need the recipe). Maybe she can fill in some of the blanks.

So...am I still doing okay? Confidence is sort of getting her a55 kicked by PMS and that it's Christmas, I really miss my H, I grieve for my boys, and I feel really alone. Some encouragement would be welcome, MBers.

BTW...no one ever answered my question. Should I wrap the book I got for WH in a gift box from Priscilla's? (See, the meds MUST be working if I can still have a teeny bit of sense of humor today.)

FYI: I wouldn't recommend Priscilla's for anyone except the above-mentioned young lady in the FM heels. Their selection of tasteful items is VERY VERY limited. However, I did manage to find a lovely white chemise. Very simple, lacy, flirty and by far the most understated thing in the store. (for all you guys who are lurking, "chemise" is sort of like a slip-style sort of thing) When the cashier asked if I'd like a gift box, the lightbulb went on...I'm sure I could put THAT to good use sometime! I would have paid extra for the gift box alone.

I did check out the clearance at the VS website...thank you for that head's up BTW!!! Not only do they have steals on some beautiful "nighties," but my favorite bra is on sale for 20 bucks!! And in cute COLORS (is that you cheering, mimi?). Given my tight timeline, I went to Kohls and couldn't find any hanky-pankys, but did get some pretty undies that will show some pretty pink lace when I bend over. And they are even cotton...(thus proving I CAN be sexy and not sacrifice my need for natural fibers on my tush).

Thanks, all, for letting me vent and share. Now I'm going to go read the Bible for a while, and focus on the wonderful gift of Christ's birth, the peace and joy of the season, and the promise of God's love.

Blessings everyone,
LilSis

Even if you don't spend a lot of time over there, make sure you at least make an appearance. When you do, you know how to act. Maybe he'll want you to stay. Remember, even if you do lose this battle, this is a war. You now have a strategy. You also have some big guns (children, years of history together, the financial hit and loss of children he will have to take if he does follow through with divorce, and your cute size 0 bod). Rome wasn't built in a day. You are doing the right thing, and you've seen some slight chinks in the opponents armor. I know it sucks right now, especially when there are special occasions that leave us feeling empty (my D-day was the week of our 3rd anniversary, how was that for timing), but think of all those years you will have to make it up when you win this war. The OW has got nothing on you. If you truly believe you can save your marriage, then you will. Your WH will notice that confidence. Keep up the good work, and Merry Christmas!

You are doing extremely well. Don't quit your efforts. However this Christmas turns out, you are leaving lasting memories. You may end up alone, but don't worry about it. You are in the process of exposing what the affair has done to your family, and not doing it in an ugly way. If you are NOT with your family at this wonderful time of year, your absense will be felt and remembered.

Stay the course. You are in the position that whatever happens, you will come out the winner. I know it is not going to be pleasant if you end up alone, but this is just one battle, and you hope to win the war.

Gosh, Jim, great minds think alike.....

Just a regular box, I think

save the "special box" for another time ... don't toss it out

IF it turns out you do not stay for festivities at FIL's tonight ... do NOT despair ... you will leave an impression of generosity and caring in your wake

OK hun?

AND ... if you get all emotional as you leave FIL and WH and the boys to their meal without you ... I think if your eyes moisten up with emotion ~~~> THAT IS A GOOD THING

just don't get angry or morose

but to show genuine EMOTION is a good thing

that too will leave a lasting impression that you are trying very hard to save your M ... despite your breaking heart ... and you can reference it in your Plan B letter if it comes to pass

Pep

Sweetie ... this is an excellent message written by Starfish earlier this year .... please read.


Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR......
03/29/06 01:21 PM


It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

I'm quoting Jim's post because I think it's says it ALL...

Repeat this to yourself TODAY...

Come back here and read this again...

What SAGE ADVICE from such a YOUNG MAN...Kudos to you, Jim...

I LOVE YOUR VMs to your WH...they are definitely registering with him..I HAVE NO DOUBT...

He now cannot deny to himself that you LOVE HIM..despite the OW's goal to convince him otherwise..that SHE is the ONLY ONE who cares....

As Jim implies, as long as you continue to FIGHT, there is a HIGH LIKELIHOOD that she will be the LOSER...

She is counting on you to GIVE UP..

That is why you have got to FIGHT THE FEAR....

Actually it does not matter that much about the undies..that's ICING ON THE CAKE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What matters right now is your COMMITMENT and DEDICATION to this FIGHT...

Hang in there...

Thanks, everyone. I just had a wonderful talk with MIL. She was deeply disappointed that things weren't going as she had hoped. She was so looking forward to being with her sister's family and imagining HER family back here, all together. But as we talked, I told her how I was still planning to make the meal for them all, as a simple demonstration of my love for them all. I don't expect anything in return. I'm doing it in the spirit of Christmas, because I want to nurture and comfort the people I love....and I can do that by cooking and baking up a storm. It gives me joy. It is my gift to them all.

MIL was so grateful and so wonderful and we talked for a long time...you know it doesn't matter to me anymore that things aren't working out the way I had hoped. As you all said, at some level it will register with WH, but even if it doesn't, I have done this for myself. I like this person that I am--that I've become...someone who does something with no expectation. To give honestly, from the heart. It feels so different...I feel so different. Is it too much to think it's God's light that chases away the fear that exists in the darkness? By focusing on that light, by letting the light be in me, the fear goes away. (Can you tell I was reading the Bible this morning?)

Anyway...thank you so much...all of you...I will print out mimi's last post with Jim's quote, and stick it on my cabinet door today, to look at while I cook.

You saved the day. Thanks and Merry Christmas!
LS

Hoping that you are spending Christmas Eve with your family. Let us know how everything turned out.

Just returned from Christmas Eve dinner at ILs w/WH and FIL and the boys, then mass with the boys. So here's the latest installment of my life.

It was almost surreal. There we are, celebrating Christmas...just the five of us. No other cousins, brothers, sisters-in-law, no other female besides me, no MIL. I brought the entire meal with all of MIL's traditional Christmas Eve dishes. But there were none of the special touches that women bring: no tablecloth, no centerpiece, no candles, no wine, no coffee with dessert. WH and FIL have truly been "baching" it; they don't even have butter in the fridge. They bought a 3-foot prelit Charlie Brown tree that the boys decorated with paper ornaments just today. It was just so....barren and desolate.

When I arrived and unloaded the food, WH stayed in the living room. Finally, I went in and sat next to him, kissed him on the cheek and wished him a Merry Christmas. I was petting the dog (our dog, that I sent off to live with WH--at least SHE misses me!), and WH was clearly not in the mood to talk. I asked him if he'd like me to leave, and he said, "No, you may stay."

I thanked him with a bright smile. He still looked tense, and I asked if anything was wrong...he said he was tired. I put my hand on his knee and smiled at him, and he asked what I was doing. I asked back, "Putting my hand on your knee?" He replied, "No, what are you DOING?" The kids came in the room at that point, so I was saved from having to come up with any reverse babble (Orchid I am not). As the kids walked in, I just quickly said, "I'm just being me." and gave him a big ol' smile. (BTW, I wore my wedding band tonight...no diamond, just the band)

Based on a conversation w/ MIL late this afternoon, before I went over, I take it he meant the whole nicey, nice, suggestive stuff. MIL had spoken to WH to express her deep wish that we all be together. She didn't remember (or didn't want to repeat?) exactly what WH had said about his reluctance, but it had something to do with "intimacy." MIL assured WH that I had no expectation of anything.

The evening went on and we all played nicely. The meal was pleasant and the tone conversational. It was strange though, because for the last two years (probably more), I have seen this distance in WH's eyes that would always be so apparent at family gatherings. It was like he couldn't wait to get out of there, and I always felt so gyped...I could never fathom why he couldn't conjure up a little cheer, even for the sake of everyone else. He'd just be crabby and make everyone uncomfortable. I love family gatherings, even if some people can drive me nuts, that's sort of the beauty of family. Interestingly, he always seemed more at ease with my family. Unfortunately, the distance was still in his eyes, the fidgeting, the restlessness. At one point DS8 climbed in WH's lap, and WH just sat thre like a manequin with his arms out to the sides...no hug, no nuzzle, no affection. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

WH did seem to loosen up as the evening went on, however. A number of times I caught WH's eye and would smile softly. At one point, while we were sitting down to read the Christmas story, I caught his eye and mouthed, "love you." He winked back at me.

The "boys" got me a new digital camera. It is very nice, but I already have one...WH insisted that once I use this I'll know why I need a new one. It's a nice gesture. Certainly more than he's ever gotten me for Christmas in several years. And all I got him was the book...

I did inscribe the book I got him as described in an earlier post...something about the photos in the book bringing back happy memories and hoping we can make more. I also got him a Christmas card, in which I said something like:
God sent his son to us on Christmas Day to teach us about love and forgiveness. It has taken me a long time, but I have learned those lessons, and I wish nothing more than to share with you how much I have learned. I love you and I forgive you. Love always, me

It was written off the cuff, quickly, and probably could have been worded better, but as I was experiencing the holiday, I felt compelled to make some kind of significant gesture. Not for him, for me. And it's true...I have forgiven H. WH is another story...but H I will fight for, and I won't hold H accountable for WH's actions. For me, that's the only way that I can really do this...separate the two out. And it has taken me sooo long to really understand this, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but I have to believe it or none of this makes sense.

By the time we left, I could tell WH was ready for us to go. He was getting antsy. He hugged the boys and wished them a merry Christmas, and I began to get teary watching them. Just as we left, I asked him for a hug, and got one. I kissed his cheek and whispered ILY. As we walked out the door, C-LY-B. I'm sure he could see at that point that I was tearing up.

As the boys and I were walking out to the car, I started to really cry, but I sucked it up and got on with it. The boys and I went to midnight mass (which was at 10:00...???) and I didn't cry once during the service.

Long story short...no great successes, no great failures. It just WAS. I don't know how I exemplified myself tonight...again, I could have been his sister, and I didn't really do anything to break out of that mold. Somehow Christmas Eve, at the ILs, with the kids around doesn't seem the appropriate time to do much besides the smiles, eye contact, admiring his shirt, the brownies he made...

What's the consensus on saying ILY?

I think I'm going to cry now, though; it's 1 a.m. and I have a mountain of dishes to wash and Santa hasn't arrived yet. As a matter of fact, Santa's elf who does all the wrapping hasn't even started, and Santa has to go to the basement to find the stockings.

Merry Christmas, every one!

WOOHOO girl, good on you.

"I thanked him with a bright smile. He still looked tense, and I asked if anything was wrong...he said he was tired. I put my hand on his knee and smiled at him, and he asked what I was doing. I asked back, "Putting my hand on your knee?" He replied, "No, what are you DOING?"

Believer here- So you have fired up the burners. The OW doesn't have a chance.

You're kidding, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Let's list ones you mentioned...I'm SURE there were more...

"There we are, celebrating Christmas...just the five of us."

"Finally, I went in and sat next to him, kissed him on the cheek and wished him a Merry Christmas." ( There's ways he could have prevented this from happening..how about, standing up amd walking into another room?..saying, "Don't touch me!"..mine even did that..a YUCK memory..)

"I asked him if he'd like me to leave, and he said, "No, you may stay." (MAJOR..MAJOR...YOU ARE WINNING ALL OF YOUR BATTLES, SIS!!!)

"I put my hand on his knee and smiled at him, and he asked what I was doing." (Hand on knee..a MAJOR TURNON for a lot of men..an erogenous zone.. his comment should be translated to mean..."YOU ARE BLOWING MY MIND and CONFUSING ME..SO EXPLAIN THIS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CLUE..I THOUGHT I WAS OVER YOU..BUT I AM NOT..HELP ME, SIS"...tee hee)

"As the kids walked in, I just quickly said, "I'm just being me." and gave him a big ol' smile." (PERFECT MEMORY FOR HIM...He will think..THAT WAS SIS?..WHAT AM I DOING HERE WITH THIS TRASH?)

"WH did seem to loosen up as the evening went on, however. A number of times I caught WH's eye and would smile softly. At one point, while we were sitting down to read the Christmas story, I caught his eye and mouthed, "love you." He winked back at me." (YOU SHOT A CANNON..CATCHING HIS EYE...HE WINKING BACK AT YOU...OH MY!!!!)

"Unfortunately, the distance was still in his eyes, the fidgeting, the restlessness. " (Just because you are doing sooo fantastically, don't think that you can be a MIRACLE WORKER.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, he still remains a WS..but you are DEFINITELY HAVING AN INFLUENCE...)

"BTW, I wore my wedding band tonight...no diamond, just the band)"( And why have you taken your rings off? You are still married, right?)

"Just as we left, I asked him for a hug, and got one. I kissed his cheek and whispered ILY. As we walked out the door, C-LY-B. I'm sure he could see at that point that I was tearing up." (EVERY SINGLE LAST BIT OF THIS PARAGRAPH WAS PERFECT..PERFECT)

I've got to go...

But want to say that this is the BEST PLAN A that I have seen in a mighty long time....You are a testimony to its EFFECTIVENESS..

Blessimgs to you and your family, Sis...

As you well know, the LORD IS WITH YOU AND IS WORKING IT OUT FOR YOU...

As B says, my prediction is that the OW you were SOOO concerned about doesn't stand a chance against your PERSONAL POWER..THE POWER OF LOVE...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And you are learning something vital - how to separate the WS from the spouse you love. It is very difficult.

"WH did seem to loosen up as the evening went on, however. A number of times I caught WH's eye and would smile softly. At one point, while we were sitting down to read the Christmas story, I caught his eye and mouthed, "love you." He winked back at me." (YOU SHOT A CANNON..CATCHING HIS EYE...HE WINKING BACK AT YOU...OH MY!!!!)


That WAS my H...poking through. I recognized him right away, it was so familiar. Thank you, mimi and believer. I was lacking a valuable perspective that you provided. I still have yesterday's post stuck up in the kitchen, and I need to read it again with that perspective. This IS a war, and it will be won one battle at a time. Maybe I should think of this as prolonged guerilla warfare, instead of like that first war with Iraq back in the early 90s when it was over in a week (remember?). Keep chipping away, right?

I spoke to WH a couple of times today, re: technical questions about DS11's new ipod. I took the opportunity to thank him again for the camera, how generous it was, and told him I would use it today at my mom's. Also, VERY first thing in the morning, the boys and I called his cell and left a VM, the three of us shouting, "Merry Christmas! We love you!" Click.

Yeah, I think you are right. It WAS a success! And he'll be eating my delicious leftovers for at least a a couple of days...so continued positive reminders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer, I believe it is easier for me to separate WH from H because of something I spoke of earlier...we are separated, so I can arm myself for each interaction. Guerilla style; hit and run, go home and lick wounds, prepare for next interaction. I don't have to sustain it day in and day out as some BSs do. One of the most important ways I arm myself is to really psych myself up...I can do this, I can do this (said it to myself in the car yesterday when I arrived at ILs).

And from the sounds of it, when I compare to others, he's a softy. Doesn't deliberately hurt me with words (although he used to, back when I was LBing...duh)

Gotta go. I was supposed to leave for my mom's earlier, but given that I only had about three hours sleep, I fell asleep watching the kids play with their new gadgets, curled up under a nice fleecy blanket LilSisSis gave me. I have such great, wonderful friends and supporters...including all of you here. I believe you are all angels; God's way of answering my desperate prayers. I have repeatedly thanked Him for that.

God bless, rejoice and be glad!

Don't think repetitively stating that "I love you" is appropriate. He already knows this... Say it once and then let your action speak for themselves.

It does appeart that there is a little crack in the armor but stay alert.

I used to be able to just look into my husband's eyes, and without him saying anything, know if it was my husband or the WH. The WH had hard, cold, empty eyes.

"Don't think repetitively stating that "I love you" is appropriate. He already knows this... Say it once and then let your action speak for themselves."

Good point. Wondered about that. Actions speak louder than words, but I'll say it when/if it feels appropriate (like last night by the fire/Christmas story...so familar...it felt right)

"I used to be able to just look into my husband's eyes, and without him saying anything, know if it was my husband or the WH. The WH had hard, cold, empty eyes."

Good...so I'm not just imagining things!

Orchid: .....and you said you don't reverse babble? You certainly can. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> U did.



Orchid: Now this is important. Keep watching those eyes. That's usually where you can spot your H trying to peek out. He really wants to escape from the alien holding him hostage. My WS had the same cold, empty eyes. After a while it was easier to send him back out and remind him to take his cold empty eyes and heart (or lack thereof) with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: U R not imagining things and you did a good job.

take care,
L.

Wow! This is terrific!

You know, Midway was just a tiny island, but it was a turning point in the whole war.

Many things you do will appear insignificant until you can see them in hindsight.

Sis,

You're doing a tremendous execution of Plan A. I'm so proud of you when I read how well things went last night. You're one very courageous loving woman.

This interaction especially jumped out at me:


Seems he is "recognizing" your consistency of Plan A and its making an emotional imprint upon him. He still questions it tho and that's why the comment "No, what are you DOING?". Its familiar to him, but he still doesn't trust it fully.

Stay this course, no lovebusters for the remainder of your Plan A which will leave the brightest light path back to the marriage.

God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Jo