Good luck with the ipod. I just downloaded by first song. Started doing it 4 hours ago. I think there are probably another couple million people doing it today.

"What are you doing?"

Translation:
"Why are you making me feel so uncomfortable by reminding me of our love and our life together? Why can't you be more like I need to convince myself that you are? Why do you have to be so NICE?"

Even deeper translation:
"This makes me really uncomfortable because it reminds me that I want you, but I want her too, and I don't want to have to choose. I can't commit to you, but I can't leave you behind, either. So stop touching me, because you're confusing me!"

Keep right on confusing that man, LilSis!!!!!!!!!!

I respectfully yet strongly disagree with this.

Your WH felt that you didn't love him..opening the door for the affair.

This was a BIGGY in my situation. The OW's main goal was to convince my H that he was CORRECT that I did not love him...She HATED it the two times that I called her just to say: "I LOVE MY HUSBAND"....

PLAN A involved me taking every opportunity possible to convince him that I did and that's why I was doing the PLAN A..the ANSWER to his question...

"What are you doing?"..Showing you how much I love you...

PLAN A is about FILLING UP THAT LOVE BANK...

There is no problem, IMO, telling your H that you love him...especially if ADMIRATION and AFFECTION are his primary ENs..You meet both needs at once when you say ILY...

My H who LOVES AFFECTION..continues to like for me to SAY it and of course he knows that I love him...

REMEMBER PLAN A IS ABOUT GIVE, GIVE, GIVE..no holding back...

Mimi - Threadjack here. I've been trying to find the post that Takola made called something like "the reflection in your eyes." It was a great post about admiration, and how you can BET that the OW is giving the WS lots of admiration. At the time, I thought she was completely crazy - frankly, there was NOTHING to admire about my ex during his affair.

But now I realize that Takola was right. Do you remember that thread?

yay!!! Two more songs downloaded from itunes.

Another update...guess I didn't scare him off w/ all the ILY...

Just as we were heading out of town to mom's, I packed up a box of Christmas cookies for WH and FIL. I meant to bring it last night but got lost in the shuffle (not the ipod variety). The plan was to swing by quickly and drop them off...if FIL wasn't home, just leave them on the back porch.

Turn the corner and guess who's cruiser is parked at ILs? Must be stopping off to have some lunch. (or perhaps God was working something here, giving me a sign) So I pull up to the end of the driveway and ask DS11 to run into the house and drop the cookies off, and as long as Dad's there, can you ask him to stop by the house sometime and let the kitty in? The boys and I are staying at mom's for the night; the kitty escaping when we were already REALLY late was a happy accident that I thought I could use to my advantage.

DS11 runs in. Couple of minutes later he runs out, and WH is following! Wow! I'm thinking to myself...okay, I was worrying that I overdid the ILYs, but here he is, wandering out to actually SEE me. If I were scary and evil, he would jus stay in the house, right? So he walks up to the car (I'm just idling there, pulled up) Course, I'm smiling...I was delighted and quite surprised to see him!

WH: I gave DS11 some extra clothes that they left here. Do you want those in the trunk? (I drive a Vibe, so there is no trunk, you can toss stuff over the back seat and it lands in the "trunk."
LS: No, that's okay.
WH: When was the last time you had the oil changed in this car?
LS: (looking at the little sticker in the winder) Well, it doesn't have to be done again until Jan. 24 so I guess we're good.
WH: Okay, just checking. You know this car has a little plug in it under the hood so that you can plug it in and it will be warm in the morning. (even though we live in MI, it has only gotten very far below freezing something like twice all winter)
LS: I think the plug in the garage isn't working. The little bird bath defroster thing isn't working, it stays frozen.
WH: Well, it's on the same circuit as the computer...maybe the GFI in the garage one needs to be reset.
LS: Oh, okay. I'll do that.
WH: You know at the car wash across from Wendy's they have free vacuums.
LS: (with a false surprised/schocked look) Are you saying the car's a mess (it is)
WH: No, I'm just saying your--our kids are slobs. (Did ya get that? Did ya get that?)
LS: I know, it's pretty gross. Did DS11 tell you about the kitty?
WH: Yeah, that's no problem. Is the door unlocked?
LS: Uhh, no, I locked it. Do you want my key (he does not carry his own keys when on duty...a fact I became quite cognizant of when in labor for the first time)
WH: I'll either stop by tonight or use my dad's set of keys.
LS: Okay, otherwise, the cats are fine. I gave them a ton of food.
WH: Okay, I'll take care of it. Drive carefully.
LS: Thanks, I will! C-LY-B! (as I drive off with a smile)
WH smiles and waves as he turns back to the house.

Whaddya think??

I'm thinking I wish I had been more prepared. I'm thinking I'm going to call him tonight and leave a VM saying, "It was such a pleasant surprise to see you today. I'd forgotten how handsome you look in your uniform. Thanks for takng care of Kitty. If you wouldn't mind, I forgot to water the tree before I left...maybe you could give it some water?" (he was always anal about watering the tree)

Gotta go EAT again. Can someone please roll me out of here?

I'll check back here later.

LS

B: we have a mac, but an older one with a non-current version of itunes...gotta upgrade the operating system.

DS11 is soooooo bummed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

OMG!!!!

You are the MB PLAN A ..POSTER WOMAN!!!

YOU HAVE THE POWER!!!

I like all the stuff about him in his uniform..PERFECT..but you NEED HIS HELP in getting the OIL CHANGED!!

PLUS, CLEAN UP THE CAR and let him SEE IT!!!

Will result in you being able to sincerely say... "THANK YOU..THANK YOU..THANK YOU"..LOADS OF ADMIRATION..

Perfect.. encouraging him to go into HIS HOUSE...

Don't you just love MARRIAGEBUILDERS? Works doesn't it????


Love it! Love it! Love it!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You did good, hon.

Now, about the above. I believe not only is he wanting to talk with you, but more importantly he's looking for a way to be your hero and take care of you. He wants you to need him and trying to find his value in that respect.

Next time the opportunity presents itself, allow him to take care of the things he brings up needing done. He NEEDS to be needed. And then appreciated for the value he brings to you and the marriage.

For example, instead of this response: "LS: Oh, okay. I'll do that."

Perhaps respond next time with (para-phrased): "Gosh, do you think you can do that for me? I'm lost when it comes to this stuff. You've always been the expert."

You're doing great, Sis. He's coming around hon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jo

Exactly....

Leave this on the VM..ASAP.."On second thought, about the oil change...

Resilient is expressing my opinion exactly...

"okay, I'll do that???" Do we have to beat you about the head, girl!!? This will not do! These were CUES, offers to do what guys like to do: TAKE CARE OF YOU!



2.

Dang! All these little veiled offers to HELP YOU and you missed them!! LILSIS, remember, I told you to LOOK FOR opportunities like this to make him feel NEEDED??? Instead of saying "ok, I will get that done," respond like Mimi and Resilient suggested!

Stop being so darn hyper competent and let him do some of this stuff so he will feel needed! Oil SHMOIL!! You don't know oil from an igloo! Let him take the car in and get the oil changed! I bet he even knows what TYPE of oil.

You have his ATTENTION, LilSis, so now bring him in and ALLOW him to TAKE CARE OF YOU. That is what he wants so take him up on his offer!

WH thinking: "I can't possibly think of breaking up with the OW because she NEEDS ME AND YOU DON'T. You can make it without me and she can't"....

Isn't that YUCKY???

Thats the thinking of a man ADDICTED ON ADMIRATION CRACK!!!

Seriously, I heard my FWH literally say to me:

"I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T NEED ME"

Another TJ

Threadjack here. I've been trying to find the post that Takola made called something like "the reflection in your eyes." It was a great post about admiration, and how you can BET that the OW is giving the WS lots of admiration. At the time, I thought she was completely crazy - frankly, there was NOTHING to admire about my ex during his affair.

But now I realize that Takola was right. Do you remember that thread?

So sorry, Believer.

I haven't read Takola's post.

But I certainly agree that the OW is giving TONS of ADMIRATION...it's the DRUG....

Thanks Mimi. One of these days, I will find it. I tried the search, and nothing. Takola posts on the other site - save your marriage or whatever. Maybe it is there.

Anyway it was a good post, explaining how there are affairs because of the way an affair partner makes you feel about yourself.

But I think that LilSis is getting it.

Okay, okay, ladies. I'm trying...thank God I have you all to set me straight. I did leave a VM asking him to water the tree for me...does that redeem me in your eyes just a little? I TOLD you I wasn't prepared for this one...I need to plan and have responses ready in my mind. This one took me by surprise, and I'm not good enough at this yet to do it on the fly. One lesson at a time...got the suggestive thing down, gotta work on the helpless thing. Got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The door is still totally open, though. "Sorry I was in such a rush the other day...we were late for my mom's." I can ask him to come an show me how the plug thing works that lets the car warm up. Also, there's one of those little divits in the windshield where a rock hit it and I remember last time that happened he had someone fix it so it didn't crack. Goodness, I just don't remember the details on that...

Before he comes to do that, I CAN go clean out the car. I remember once he told me that he always felt so good when he would clean the minivan (which I USED to drive, until I found out...ewwwww....now I call it the f*ckwagon), he would say, "It makes me feel so good to know I've gotten the van all clean for my wife." I DIDN'T GET IT!!! mental headslap...

So...maybe I should give HIM the opportunity to clean the Vibe??? I could do the general vacuuming so I don't look like a slug, but I may need his help with the floor mats, etc. He was always very picky...had to clean out every nook and crany. (Weird, because he could walk over piles of dirty clothes and not bat an eye.) Could ask him to check the tires, etc. Hmmmm...I noticed on the way to mom's that maybe it's pulling a little to the left. Do you think it needs an alignment, honey?

gotta go

We now deem you to be TOTALY HELPLESS...

You can't do a thing...

Definitely ask him to clean the car...

You REMEMBER the GREAT JOB that he did before...

Ask him to DO ANYTHING and EVERYTHING..for you... that you can think of...not all in ONE day, of course.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't ask him to show you how to do anything. If you know how, you won't need him....

THIS IS ALL GOOD...

You do need your H....you know, not the WH... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are doing fine. This stuff takes time. But it sounds promising.

Now lady - CLEAN OUT THAT CAR. JUST DO IT.

Tell your son not to be disappointed. Even if you had the right computer stuff, itunes was CRAZY today. My son's bought one for me. Our whole Christmas was taken over. Son #1 started out early - he wanted me to have the music. A few times, I interrupted him and told him we could wait till later, but no, it had to be done. So, at the end of the day, I have 2 songs, and I'm very satisfied.

No, B...

Sis is supposed to ask her WH to clean out the car FOR HER...

You are SOOO going to enjoy your IPOD. Do you like to listen to Books on Tape? Check out AUDIBLE.com...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />