I vote for mailed "hand written" cards every so often from you not only expressing sincere thanks (admiration) for the things he's been doing, but also telling him whats been going on at home with the kids and you.

Just quick quirps about life at home, etc. Light, funny and whenever the opportunity presents itself, reminders of the past happy family times.

There's a def by-product to a mailed hard copy hand written card, and that is its highly likely OW will see one sooner or later. Also known as an OW-Love Buster waiting to happen. lol

ETA: These hand written notes can be read again and again by him once Sis enters into Plan B. They will remind him life at home is a safe place waiting his return (A Lighthouse).

Jo

Gee thanks, Believer. I certainly don't consider myself to be an EXPERT..I'm a FAITHFUL MEMBER of this WONDERFUL TEAM OF WARRIORS here on MB..which definitely includes YOU. I've just been studying and studying this stuff, trying to come to SOME UNDERSTANDING of the HORROR of INFIDELITY...has helped with my own coping.

That all being said, I think Sis needs to begin WARNING him very, very soon but she needs to develop a PLAN for some one on one time with him first..more PLAN A..or else he won't listen to what she has to say about the OW anyways...

The PREGNANCY issue is a REAL and MAJOR CONCERN...

That was the last card that the FOW tried to play in my situation...I thankfully had warned my H..at the suggestion of folks here..and it ended up being a MAJOR DEALBREAKER..a NAIL in the AFFAIR coffin..because my H had stressed to her that he was "FINISHED" with having children...yet she began to repeatedly bring it up in all sorts of ways..."I bet we would have a cute baby"....(Mimi,gagging)

I'm pretty sure that she could have convinced him of it..if I hadn't warned him...

YUCK!!!!

What do you think if LilSis were to leave VM's or notes, one a day for 2-3 days, then miss a day or two, then do something else the day after that?

She doesn't want to be too eager, but if he gets to looking forward to that little bright spot in his day, and then it doesn't come some of the time, won't he miss her and think of her the more?

Love the not-date idea!

Oh, no! Poor mom23boys! Believe me, I THANK GOD that WH had a vasectomy after DS8 because OW is totally capable of that. Whew!

Methinks WH is getting his crack fix today. I left VM this AM wondering about plans for today...WH is off, boys are home, and cousins are in town, so I would think he would have had some idea about spending the day with them?? Apparently not. He called back and told me to call BIL and make arrangements for the cousins to play...Huh?

While I had him on the phone, I asked if he could come over and show me about the plug for the car, and he told me it was easy, just do this, do that, end of story, and check the owner's manual. Okaaayyy.

I went a little further and brought up the water heater again.
LS: Can we go together and pick one out? DS11 even complained this morning that his shower was cold.
WH: Why don't you just call around?
LS: Because I really feel out of my element here. I don't know who to call, who's reputable, what we need, that kind of thing.
We talk a little about what could be wrong with it, how old it is, and agree that it just needs to be replaced.
WH: I think if you just call around...
LS: Could you do that for me...please? (my voice conveys that my eyelashes are batting)
WH: Well...and do what? Have someone call you to make arrangements?
LS: No...you can just go ahead and make arrangements.
WH: Well, who's paying for this?
LS: We will.
WH: Okay, we'll work that later.
LS: Thank you very much. I feel much better knowing you will be taking care of this for me. I'll call BIL and make plans for the kids to get together. C-LY-B.
Click.

He was in the car...I'm totally assuming he had plans with OW today. OK, I know; assumptions...but the cool thing for me is that I'm not sick to my stomach about the thought of it. In my mind, OW doesn't exist. She's off my radar (sorta). I just do what *I* need to do...I can only control ME.

So I called BIL and we planned to get the kids together right away tomorrow, and if they return from visiting other friends at a decent hour this evening, the cousins may come over for a sleepover in the attic. He said other than the plans they have today, the next couple of days are wide open. We chatted a bit, just friendly stuff.

After I got off the phone with BIL, I had a brainstorm...why not have everyone over here for a meal? My house is MUCH better suited to a houseful of kids than ILs (we have more space, more toys, and it's generally kid-proof). I could make a few kinds of soup, get some good bread, cut up some fruit, make cookies, and we can just make it an informal family gathering. I, of course, would be the gracious and easy-going hostess who makes great soup. What a heroine! (IMO, it would solidify my role in the family...doesn't matter that WH has filed for divorce...I'm still IN. There is certainly no room for a skanky homewrecker OW in this picture.)

So I called FIL with the idea...he thought it sounded good...but also said he was leaving all the plans to my "generation." So a little later I'm going to call BIL back and suggest that for tomorrow or Friday. WH is off both days, so he could hardly beg off without looking petty. And if I make plans with BIL and SIL independently, we just bypass WH.

About the rose...my idea is to sneak by sometime at night/early AM and stick it under the wiper. A week or so later, do it again, with two roses. No note, no contact. He'll get the message loud and clear.

So much to do...I'm also going to check out some e-cards as MF suggested, because I really do need to rachet up the romance part. I also thought about somehow communicating that I had another present for him that wasn't really appropriate for Christmas Eve...a little something I picked up at Priscillas. WH: "Why would I care?/Why would I want it?/I don't want it!/(or the like)" LS: "You may not now...but you will..."

But I need to play this all carefully, I don't want to overdo it. You'll all have to help me with the pacing, kay?

Thanks!
LS

Awww...Gerald Ford died...the hometown boy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh, Oh! (hand waving in the air)

What about the hand-written card with the comment about the "other" present (along with the thank yous)? OW would FREAK if she saw it.

I also love the idea of family/kid updates, especially when we get back to the usual school/work routine. Someone suggested that before. Easy, breezy...emails would work great for that one.

Yes..you will find him to be more receptive when he is not anticipating GETTING HIGH...YUCK!!

I think they should be hand written (by you and maybe sometimes the kids) real cards sent in snail mail.

Something he can read and read again when Plan B hits.

Jo

Ahhhh...strokes chin...very sneaky. LOVE IT.

Why not all of the above?

Tangibles for their potential OW irritation and beacon value during Plan B, and emails for quick consistency in touching bases.

AH...THE BATTLE PLANS!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LilSis,

Been lurking a bit...

I know ALL about manipulative OW...and I've got to say, I AM SOOOOOO THANKFUL your wh has been "fixed."

Still, word of warning....that's not to say that she still won't try the pg thing once he begins to slip her grasp. "It didn't take" is a common theme...then OOP! I lost the baby. Never, ever underestimate what they'll pull.

AND YOU ARE TOTALLY A PLAN A GODDESS!

AWESOME!

AWESOME!

AWESOME!

>Tangibles for their potential OW irritation and beacon value during Plan B,

YES!

And let the kids text him now and again. My kids did that when the Wookie was with VD for that week....SHE ERASED THEM! He was LIVID!

(evil grin)

- Kimmy

LilSis,

You are awesome, so strong to be planning A at the holidays in such a clear thinking manner. This whole A stuff is hard, but you are doing so well!

In my own sitch, I didn't find MB until after D-day #2 and FWH agreed to try with the marriage, so I defer to all the other experts here on the best Plan A/Plan B. I did want to share that I am a very competent person who did more than my share in the marriage (as far as work). There were a couple of things that were in my WH's domain, house repairs, car repairs and paying the bills. Doing these things annoyed my FWH, I don't know if it was pre-A or just A. He felt like I only wanted him there to perform these tasks as I was so efficient in the other areas. He resented having to do them. Probably fog-speak but he convinced himself that was the only reason I wanted him around. Thus in my case, when I was Plan A'ing instinctively, I tried to handle the car repairs, the home maintenance, etc., in my mind to "show" him that I didn't need him to do those things for me, I could be independent. What this lead to is more time for WH to mess around with OW, yuk!(we were un-officially seperated for over a year, lived in two different states.). So when I saw that you understood not to be helpless, I was glad as it would have been too different from your true self. However, I agree with you asking for help not only bc it shows you need your WH, many things with the boys and the home should be joint responsibility until (and if) the D is final.

Lastly, I am saying this out of consideration as I am 5'7.5" tall and went down to 110 lbs and a size 2 on the A diet, for most people, a size O is not a healthy size. Please, please focus a lot of that great attention onto yourself and take care of you! Eat right, even if you have to force the food down, relax, do fun things just for you, pamper yourself. Your sons are young, but my YS was 13 when this all started, they notice when you don't eat and sleep and have lost weight, they worry and it upsets them. When they see that you are ok, no matter how the M turns out, this reassures them. So, what I'm saying is that while saving your M is important, please put yourself and your sons ahead of that. If A's are addictive, that is what family members are advised when their loved one is addicted to drink or drugs.

I do want to end by saying you do rawk!! MI may rawk, but OSU rawks more!! Go Bucks!

Kimmy:
I'd actually LOVE it if she tried to pull the pg thing. It would TRULY reveal her skankiness. I am a "fertile Myrtle" and I have had no scares for the past seven years post-vasectomy. OW had to do the whole hormone shot thing to get pg with her kids, so I think WH might... ahh....question? the validity of her assertion that he was going to be a daddy again. Even his foggy brain would wonder about that.

Bring it, ratturd. I've got an MB army behind me.

LS

If not that...then rape.

VD recently pulled that.

Sad that another woman doubts her...but after all she's done, I do.

She called at 3:45 in the morning saying she didn't know why she was calling Wookie.

He's a cop, also...so he did the logical cop thing and reported it to the authorities and went back to bed. 2 hours later she calls cussing him out saying it's his fault she's at the hospital for a rape kit and he better get his a$$ over there to take her home.

Um...nope, click.

Just a'warning you.

Manipulative is just a smidge away from nucking futs.

Kimmy:

We've got to keep Sis pumped up to do her Plan A...


She's been keeping her mind off of the OW while she does this...

I agree with the nutso stuff..the OW in my case was like that,too, especially when she knew that she was LOSING...

The MB Army can help her deal with that if and when it comes...

Mimi, being overprotective of Sis....trying to help her MAINTAIN the POWER.....

She's doing awesomely....

I apologize.

Edited to add: And what she said about the OW being nonexistant is DEAD ON! I wish I had taken that stance from the get-go!

Sis- my girlfriend told me to think of VD as lineolium (no matter how much 2Long is fond of it)...and it works. Ugly ol lineolium that you scrape up and toss out to make way for lovely hardwood (shiny new life).

- Kimmy

Spoke a little too soon...on my way back from a great outing with the boys and slowed down at a green light to make a right hand turn and who is sitting there at the red waiting to go the same way as me...WH and OW. Nice.

Guess she isn't really non-existent. I just WISH I had thought to roll down my window and give a huge wave and a smile as I turned the corner. Instead I was shaking. Clearly they thought the better of coming the same way because by the time I waited through the next light a few blocks away, they never showed up behind me. Maybe they were both beamed back up to the mother ship.

I KNEW he was getting his crack fix today.

Am I okay, everyone? 'Cuz I feel a little icky. Time to go read the Bible again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ohhh gawd, I've been there Sis. Just shake it off hon. Its a blip on your WAR radar. Nothing has changed, we're still full steam ahead.

Just curious, did they see you or your car do you know? I hope they did, cuz that will most certainly affect their day. Be expecting a call from your husband reeeeal soon.

I'd also like to point out something you may not have thought of, you still KNOW your husband very well. You KNEW he was seeing RT today ... your instincts are very reliable so remember that and use it to your advantage in the future.

Breathe girlie. You're just fine, God is on our side.

Jo

Aw, honey I'm sorry.

I would have probably reacted the same way.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I am wondering if you should make some kind of contact tomorrow- show this did not scare you off or would it be better to skip a couple of days and make him wonder? Mimi?

Oh, I'm sure they saw me. I was doing one of those, "Is that who I THINK it is?" looks as I went around the corner. It was dark, but I saw enough. Besides, they were in the "going straight" lane, so they should have come up behind me, and curiously never made it to the next light. The 4-5 streets that cross between the two lights go off into residential areas.

He won't call. Not a chance. It may have affected their night, but it won't prompt him to call. He just got his fix, after all, so he's high as a kite.

I'd very curious to hear your responses/suggestions about when to make contact. I have an IC appointment at 10, and I had planned that the boys would be with WH tomorrow...but we don't have any firm plans (he was too busy to do that today as RT had his full attention). So do I call him in the AM and tell him I'll be dropping the boys off...or do I bring them over to my SIL, who's always willing to have them for an hour, and just leave WH out of the loop?

You are right. Tomorrow is a new day, with new battles to fight, and new opportunities to be my best self. This is a marathon. I don't need to get myself down with things I can't control. (Honestly, I wish I felt as good as all that sounds when I read it back to myself. I'll keep reading it.)

Thanks, all.
LS