I'm just curious if it is pretty common for people to experience what they describe as the most intense emotional experience, beyond that of their marriages, with their affair. I seem to read about this alot and this seems to be my husband's experience. Any explanations or insight into this phenomenon? I'm just afraid he'll be let down as we rebuild our marriage and don't experience that same type of thing after our 13 years of marriage. I know it can be a very deep and mature type of love but I don't want to let him down as he means soooo much to me! Please respond if you have any feedback. Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Dear Jennifer:<BR>I have to say that yes the emotional intensity of an affair is very strong. When I first found out about the H's affair in May he was very deep into it. He was so deep into it that he was still lying to me about where he was going and what he was doing. This went on for several months until I chose not to be blind anymore. I guess you could call it a slow evolution. I love my H so much that I didn't want to believe that he could continue to see her. Evidence starting presenting itself which I couldn't deny. I think in my case it had to go like that. We talked all the time. I had to let my H know how important he was to me and how much I loved and needed him. He knew that seeing and talking to her was wrong and yet he lied to me telling me he was out with his friend. I never really lost my cool only on maybe one or two occasions. I truly believe he hated himself for hurting me but at that point I really don't think he knew how to stop it. After about 4 months, when I knew I could no longer deny the facts, he was confronted. I told him I couldn't allow it anymore, almost kicked him out twice. I just couldn't deal with the fact that he was putting her before our marriage and our children. You have to realize what your worth is in the marriage. You can beat this thing Jennifer, be patient, understanding, and loving. Be everything that she was and more. What he had with the OW is what he really wanted from you all along. You have to learn what his needs are and satisfy them for a long period of time. I really thought I knew my H and knew what they were but I didn't know my H like I thought I did. I thought love was like what my mom used to do for my father and that is what I learned. Dinner on the table, clean clothes and house, kids that were taken care of. My H wanted someone to talk to, someone who took notice of the small victories, who felt he was sexy and attractive. I'm not saying that he didn't appreciate all of the other things too, he did, but he needed a friend, someone to have conversations with, to share things with. I'm not going to say that it is going to be easy as we all know that it comes with alot of ups and downs. It is actually one of the hardest things that you will ever do. If you keep doing the things that will make him see you that way, the emotional intensity of the OW will lessen over time. Be prepared Jennifer, it could take a while but stick with it and don't give up! It may get much worse before it gets better, but it will get better if you do the things that she is doing for him. I am praying for you, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. Take Care

I am not the betrayer but I just wanted to take issue with your statement that what is experienced during an affair is "a very deep and mature love". I think it is a completely selfish, immature love without responsibility or commitment. In fact I believe it is the opposite of mature love.

Simone,<BR> I'm sorry. I didn't make myself clear. I meant that I believe that my H and I can experience a deep mature type of love, but probably not the fiery high intensity type that the affair provided for him. Thanks for responding though. Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Jennifer - glad to hear I misunderstood. I was starting to get paranoid there was really something I missed in trying to understand the nature of my H's affair.

Jennifer,<P>Yeah, it's very intense. It's an addiction. Something you can't get enough of and always want more.<P>Most betrayers experience very heavy withdrawal to be separated from their addiction. So naturally they will be disappointed with what they have at home. The important thing for you Jennifer is to not get discouraged by that, OR take it personally. Withdrawal will fog his brain, and much of the time he might very well be distant and depressed. You job is just to concentrate on his emotional needs while he works through the withdrawal.<P>I realize this sounds very unfair. And it IS unfair for you. But making demands and getting angry and all those other love-busting behaviors definitely WILL NOT help. I'm not talking about stuffing your feelings and not feeling sad. But try your best not to love-bust during this whole process. Believe you me, if you both get through the ordeal intact, he will be mucho grateful!<P>--andy

jj, we hear more about the deep emotional involvement type affairs on this board then the shallow sexual encounters. the emotional types cause more problems, and that's why there is so much written about them.<BR>but it can go either way.<BR>i had a crazy in love, go to hell, affair. it turned in to a long distance relationship. during the long perionds of separation, i had a shallow affair with another woman. i also had a one night stand with still another woman. i was with the woman in my shallow affair many more times than i was with the woman with whom i had the emotional affair. i'm 99% over the emotional affair, after 8 months of redrawal. i was over the others almost by the time i drove out of their driveway. sure it was fun, and good, but i never made the emotional connection and boy am i glad.

Gosh, Jennifer, you sound so much like me! I think subconciously that that is one of the things I've been worried about lately. That the intensity of his affair gave him a rebirth of sorts and that I will never be able to match that kind of excitment. Maybe you hit the nail on the head for me as we near our 1st year after he asked me for a divorce. God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I would not know the answer to the emotional high as I was on the other side of the problem and have not ever strayed. I can say that from observing my STBX and her reactions, I firmly believe that the emotional high is one based on the fact that they are doing something completely immoral and unfair to their partners. It's unfortunate, but doing things in hiding does excite people.<P>The isn't good reason why someone should stray without finishing their initial relationship first. You want to cheat...get divorced, and then go anywhere you wish. It is a cowardly, non-confrontational action which hurts not only your spouse, but the whole family.<P>As to whether you could match or surpass the emotional feeling while in the affair, I believe it is possible but two things must happen:<P>1 - The one in the affair must fully realize what they did and I mean fully realize including the realization that with the same effort they could more than likely make their own marriage work. This is very difficult as the majority of people that have cheated deny what they did.<P>2 - The person that was cheated on must be able to set aside the permanent damage done by the inconsiderate spouse to allow that there be a chance. It's a sad situation to be in.<P>With real commitment, I am a believer that we can make relationships work under any circumstances. We just must set aside the selfishness, egotism, and communicate as openly as possible of our needs.

It is the emotional attachment that my husband has for the other W that worries me.<BR>I feel like crying right now, I want to be the one that fills that emotional need but can I ? I am trying but I feel depressed most of the time as I feel this is a beast <BR>that will eventually defeat and destroy me.<BR>I want to cry....he will see tears in my eyes tonight...and I can't stop myself...I want to stop...but can't...I know this is a long term affair for him...she has no other attachments...no husband...no children...no conscience...no hope....absolutely none...she wins in the end......

It was very strong for me. I think for me it was because I just wanted to hang on to that "feeling". <P>It did seem stronger then when I started dating my husband. Maybe it was because I knew it was not real. I desperately wanted someone I could not have...that's what made it so emotional. When I started dating my husband it was easy...there was nothing holding me back. <P>If you show him how much you love him it will make it harder for him to be let down. I always feel better when my husband shows concern for how I'm feeling...I appreciate when he tries to help. However, I wish he would do it more.