I can tell you that his reaction is great... but in my opinion... it was expected. The holidays are past... that was the time when it would be hard for him to have both of you around... so he distanced himself from you in order to be there for her. He can only be with one of you one NYE... he made his choice... stupid choice as it was.
The coming weeks are going to tell you a lot. If he doesn't start making some move towards you... even if he is still spending time with the HO...then I would think that Plan A has run its course and it would be time for Plan B.
There is only a very limited amount of time when you can do this plan A before it would become unattractive to your WH. I think you are safe for now... I would probably not be as agressive with some of the sexual stuff because it seems a little desperate at times... but you know your WH. IMHO... if he is the type that would consider that desperate, then you would need to adjust to give this the best chance of working. There is a possibility that your H will not respond until you shock his butt awake....AMIOK comes to mind. Again, you know what he responds to best... so use that.
I think you have been doing exceedingly well and I wish you peace and strength to fight this battle.

You're on your way!! It may take awhile but my hunch is that once POWERFUL OW doesn't have a chance in battle with YOU!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He opened the GIFT!! He is no longer avoiding you but moving towards you!! HOW WONDERFUL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ditto Mimi

expect him to react in ways that shows you he has more emotional conflict ... not less

this is a GOOD THING

HIS emotional conflict (and subsequent acting out hostility toward you) means that his excuses and rationalizations are UNstable

he WANTS to dislike you
but you are NOT cooperating

hee hee hee

Pep

I didn't notice any hostility from him this morning.

He didn't seem reluctant at all about coming into the house and hugged Sis back.

I think you have a ways to go on the Plan A.

I think it's necessary to come to more one on one contact like this morning.

There's a need for at least one of those serious "I WANT TO RECONCILE" conversations that I mentioned earlier..done IN CONJUNCTION with the sexual provocativeness..which is not just about being sexual BTW..it's about letting him know that YOU LOVE HIM..it's just as much about AFFECTION...

I was thinking the same thing about the sexual stuff. Just the little comments, light teasing, and accidental things like a loosely tied robe (like this AM) might be enough to remind him that I'm a living, breathing woman...not just mother of his kids. I think that kind of interaction with me was an EN that he needed...in addition to the SF itself, more indication from me that SF was "on my mind" other than when it occured.

Anyway, time to be more subtle; less overt. The seed's been planted, right? Just a little cultivating now, don't over water the seed.

So I'm getting mixed messages from MEDC vs. mimi and pep. Should I expect distance/conflict/hostility.... or move movement towards me... or a little of both? or is it a big "who knows?"

I guess I just take what I'm given and work with it. I truly believe that God will continue to guide me (in His own way) on the right path. As MIL reminded me last night, God can only want my family to be intact and for WH to find his way home. Her belief is that people can only resist God for so long, no matter how hard they try. The question is HOW long..

I don't agree with backing off. What you are doing seems to be working. You want to clearly indicate that you can meet his ENs..that is the goal of PLAN A. Backing off..total backing off..comes with PLAN B. Full force PLAN A..Totally dark PLAN B. Steve Harley explicitly stated to me that he did not agree with the 180 point of view, particularly with a WH such as mine who craved ADMIRATION AND AFFECTION....

Right now he is MOVING TOWARDS YOU...showing you that he is buying into your PLAN..at first, he was leary..now he is not...work with what you are dealing with NOW...we will work with the HOSTILITY when it comes AGAIN and it very well may...



EXACTLY..you said it yourself..funny how you and I are such on the same wave length...

No...no hostility at all. Very conciliatory and "normal."

Yep. Mimi is my role model! About a "conversation;" what would that be like? A REAL sit-down type conversation, or just carefully planted "seeds" again? Tell me more about what you would envision, and when.

I still think the one-on-one contact is going to be my biggest challenge. Even though he was willing today, he WAS pretty eager to leave. My next opportunity will be tomorrow, when I have a meeting at night, and I'm going to ask him to bring the kids here and at least start the bed-time routine with them. Tell him that I've noticed that when he has them out until I get home, it's much more difficult to get them to wind down...and since they go back to school on Weds., it's important that they get to bed at a decent time. So he'll be in the house, and I'll have the opportunity to give a hug and a kiss when he leaves. At least today, he seemed more accepting of that...I've sort of made it a habit now. Maybe he's just resigned to it.

I'm going to attempt to have him do the bedtime routine thing with regularity. Maybe I can leave a small job for him to do while he's here, and I can gush with appreciation.

I don't know if he really wants the "replacement life." I think what he really he wants to maintain the fantasy life they created. I think (hope!!!) actually experiencing the "replacement life" will be the dash of cold water that will bring home some reality. The grass really isn't any greener...

Thus Plan B. Yuck. That's going to be hard; knowing he's living out the replacement life.

Aye, Aye, Captain! Full speed ahead, staying on course, stretching beyond my PREVIOUS comfort zone. You were right (no surprise) that it becomes much easier with practice.

(jaunty salute)
LS

YOU ARE SUCH A GENIUS AT THIS!!

I say the carefully planted seeds approach...

"You know what I'm doing right?"

"Trying to show you that I've changed"

Enough for one conversation....


ETA: Maybe all in a WHISPER (a la ark) as you hug him goodbye...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think Mimi is giving you the BEST advice

so
when there is a conflict of advice
go with Mimi's

your experience closely resembles hers ... not mine

my WH stopped his A cold turkey on D day

he did not want a replacement life ... he was just enjoying some nookey on the side *gag*

I will add something my H told me that bothered him after D day ...

he had "visions" that I'd divorce him
marry another man
who would be raising our kids
with ~him~ looking in from the outside at the happy family he was not a part of ....

Mimi, did your H ever express that he had similar uncomfortable "visions" that concerned him?

His visions didn't occur until PLAN B..when he thought I was "moving on"..."I didn't want another man in my house"....



And actually this was true for my H...in the beginning..and then he got addicted to her and thought he was "IN LOVE"..Plan B showed him that he could not really have a family life with her...he was out of place in her TRUE (ghetto) LIFESTYLE...try as he may he couldn't civilize her..make her into me..she wanted to actually LIVE THE FANTASY/WILDNESS..he couldn't do that 24/7....DUH....He says he felt DECADENT....It's called BINGING....What a life....YUCK....

I was looking for that ark post yesterday...anyone have it bookmarked?

Yeah...I can't imagine that my WH is thinking about ANYTHING right now except his fix. If he were thinking AT ALL about potential futures (his, mine, or the boys), that would indicate a clearing of the fog. I think (and this is what my best friend's FWH has told me about his experience) that WH is ONLY thinking about today. Just today, now, no future...and getting a fix. The future is an abstraction that does not exist in the fog.

My suspision is that thought will not occur until Plan B, when he's playing daddy to OW's kids, really missing his own, and realizing that some other man could be playing that same "playing daddy" role with HIS boys.

I WISH RT lived a ghetto lifestyle, but she's a soccer mom; albeit a soccer mom who doesn't have a career, read the paper, or have an opinion about anything except clothes.

BF's FWH also had a white-trash OW. That scared him, once he started to envision a future. I don't have that advantage. RT is a much more sympathetic (emphasis on the PATHETIC), culturally attractive OW, not that there is such a thing. She has a similar background, socio-economic, education, etc.

Again..on the same wave length as I've been NESTING around here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Although the FOW did live in a ghetto part of town, there are folks that live in that area that have better MORALS and VALUES than she did so using the GHETTO term is unfair and judgmental..I'm wrong in doing that...it's just been easier for me to think of it that way...

Your SOCCER MOM OW sounds exactly like my GHETTO OW..."WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING....

It was the HEDONISTIC ASPECT that frigntened my H during PLAN B...her wanting to start drinking early in the morning...him getting to know her friends who wanted to drink and party all night including some weekdays..he had to retreat to the bedroom...her allowing her teenage daughter to walk around indecently..lots and lots of YUCKY stuff...much that he refuses to share..but I got the picture...basically him telling her over and over about this and that.."THIS IS WRONG" and her being clueless and saying.."NO, IT'S NOT"....Out of the FANTASY of the HOTEL ROOMS and STOLEN WEEKENDS....Enough said..

Yes and it's the LIVING IN THE NOW...

IMPORTANT POINT:

YOU HOLD HIS PAST, SHE HAS ONLY HIS PRESENT, HE HAS TO BELIEVE THAT THERE CAN BE A FUTURE WITH YOU AND NOT A FUTURE WITH HER...

HE HAS TO BELIEVE THAT THERE CAN BE A FUTURE WITH YOU AND NOT A FUTURE WITH HER...

Wow. That sort of captures it all in a nutshell, doesn't it? I never really thought of it that way. Sort of like a teeter-totter; changing the balance. The future with me begins to look better and better as the future with her begins to look more bleak and difficult (ostracized from family, kids raised by another man, child support, etc.)

As I suggested Lilsis... go with what you think is best. YOU know your H better than anyone here... even your WH. But if you are having any thoughts about being over the top... strongly consider how you proceed. Your goal is to make your WH see that coming home is the best option... if you go too over the top, he MAY doubt your sincerity and ability to maintain this in the long run. Take the advice given to you by all here...and learn from it.

from my Plan A thread on JFO forum

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

by this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

you can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I inderstand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.

Pep

I understand the point you are making, MEDC.

I was anxious about this too during my PLAN A..talked to Steve about this.

This is what I learned.

When you make your PLAN A changes, the changes may FEEL over the top and may LOOK over the top but these are the CHANGES necessary to make you into the BEST PERSON/WIFE/HUSBAND that you can be. BEHAVIORAL CHANGE is difficult and takes much PRACTICE but behavioral change is essential and necessary for self-improvement. These are not changes just for show. These are sincere and necessary changes...

AND YES...it is essential for WH to believe that your changes are REAL..but in order to do so it is not necessary to HOLD BACK ON CHANGE...just do like I have done... be committed to your changes and BELIEVE in the VALUE AND NECESSITY of your CHANGES...

I HAVE NEVER TURNED BACK INTO THAT PERSON THAT I WAS and I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I HAVE NOT....

Regardless of the nature of my marriage, which is WONDERFUL, I am a much BETTER AND HAPPIER PERSON....

For example, how dare my H assume that I was not a sexual being who did not have sexual needs as a WOMAN! How dare him try to just cast me into a role of being a MOTHER! Once he BELIEVED that I had changed into a REAL WOMAN with my own needs for sex..attention..and affection, he knew during PLAN B that I would eventually pursue getting my own emotional needs met somehow and that was true....regardless of whether we reconciled or not. I would not be sitting around being the MOTHER..waiting for HIM..if he so chose to come back to me....

All of Sis' changes are GREAT FOR HER AS A PERSON, don't you think????..whether she is with her WH or not...she is becoming FREE of her OLD SELF..getting out of her RUT...