JMHO... not to rain on your parade here... but I would strongly suggest that you not take any new opportunities that will take you away from the kids... or alter their routine too much during this time of stress in their lives. JMHO.. but right now they need stablility and their mother. I hate to even bring this up because you sound happy about the opportunity...but it sounds as though part of you already knows it would not be a positive for your children.

LG:
About the court case:
I wondered the other night if it already is. If you recall, the night of the "incident," WH left her house with the understanding that they would go file a restraining order for her the next day. A couple of hours later, I was hauled off. MIL described WH's reaction...he collapsed on the floor and wept. He had not expected that, and didn't want that. RT called the cops of her own accord.

Also, I planted the seed the other night that OW might have been the one to put the kibosh on the deal that was going to work very well for me. I know from MIL that WH told the prosecutors that he wanted the charges dropped. I can only assume that the prosecutors also called the other "victim" and asked for her feedback on the proposed deal. Suddenly, the deal was no longer on the table; I assume she told them she didn't want them to offer the deal. When I hinted at that the other night, he said, "She didn't." I just stared him down...didn't say a word. He cut off eye contact first...I had the feeling that he blinked, so to speak. I don't know if it was the look or just a feeling, but I wondered IMMEDIATELY if he was wondering about the possibility that she DID tell the prosecutors that she wanted the book thrown at me. Of course she would claim otherwise to WH....but she IS an accomplished liar....hmmmm....

I think RT is really out to get me. Since H has a level of....compassion? guilt?...whatever you want to call it...I don't think HE will look kindly on RT being vindictive towards me. (WH could care less) Again...she can fake it all she wants, but at some point, her true self will peek through. And if H has grown stronger through my Plan A...maybe he'll help WH see the TRUE RT.

one can hope...

Glad you mentioned this first, MEDC..

Seems to me that ample spousal support and child support would make this unnecessary...

I don't agree with the children having to be further traumatized due to his affair...

No, I feel the same way. I don't really have a choice though. I will need to go to full time if only to get benefits for myself. Not to mention that I can't support myself and the boys, maintain the mortgage, utilities, etc. on my part-time salary and CS. It totally sucks...one more way that the A is SO TOTALLY SELFISH. This is not what I wanted, and it used to be that WH wouldn't have wanted it either. I have always been happy (and WH was happy) with me working part time and being there for my kids afterschool and in the summers. I just can't swing it financially as a single mom.

We'll see, though. Maybe there's a possibility of me sort of easing into the new position. I'll find out more next week.

Why you don't qualify for spousal support since you were working part-time?

I started working FT for the first time when suspicious of an A but still obtained SPOUSAL SUPPORT according to my Separation Agreement but maybe the laws are different in your state....

You said the the OW is getting Spousal Support and she is working PT...

First off... you are not a single mom yet... and hopefully never will be. Cross that financial bridge when the time comes. Trust me, your H will pay a lot more than you think if you wind up in court.
Also, you do have a choice. There are many ways to get this doe that will not impact your time with your kids. Continue to work your part time job and supplement your income doing things from home. I make about $600 a week profit just from seeling on Ebay.... minimal effort and time. There are ways, it just requires being creative. But for right now, wrorry about today and what is on your plate right now.

I don't know exactly how spousal support will work out...we haven't gotten to that point yet (I hope that we never do, but that's beside the point). From what I understand, though, the issue is that my salary would be equal to his if I worked full time (which is evidently an option for me, so I can't claim that it's an impossibility). So I can't claim that I don't have the capacity to earn as much as he does. ???

The interesting thing is that WH will pay more CS if I work full time because we'll have to pay for child care. So it's basically a lose/lose...but NO! WH is getting the grand prize: his beloved RT! Nevermind that the kids lose even MORE stability, nevermind that it's going to cost him more financially, never mind that I'll be MORE stressed out because I'm working full time. The ONE "pro" of being with RT compensates for all the other "cons."

The other thing that makes me ill is that RT IS getting spousal support from her STBX...because she didn't work outside the home and needs "rehabilitative" support. I'll grant you that she needs rehabilitation, but NOT of that variety... (gag)

I don't really understand all the issues and really don't want to right now since I have enough on my plate. All the options are open, I guess...either way it IS important for me to know what the possibilities are at work for me to earn more and get benefits.

LS

This is faulty reasoning that no judge will hold you too. You will not be required to increase your hours. The judge will place a great empasis on the stability for the children. My brother's ex is a nurse... she doesn't work at all so that she can take care of the children. You are getting way ahead of yourself here.

Yeah...I don't want to go off too far on this tangent, even though I brought it up. Up until that conversation at work yesterday about getting involved in the new project, I've been avoiding thinking about it...as MEDC said, I'd cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe I won't ever come to the bridge...but I do have to prepare for that possibility. The clock is ticking...at present, D is imminent.

I don't know enought about what actually would be involved in the new project, nor about my options for spousal support, so I shouldn't dwell on it right now. Everything in its time....

This is where the RESPECT issue comes in again...which is KEY. I'm certainly not an attorney..maybe Mr. W. will look in..but it would seem that you can argue to maintain your same lifestyle..since you are not seeking the divorce....



So why not get more spousal support and less child support?



PUT UP A FIGHT to keep this from happening....



I bet this SAME LAW will be helpful to YOU.



IMO, Sis..you need to make KNOWING about these ISSUES a priority in order to PROTECT yourself and YOUR CHILDREN so that you do not make any hasty decsions regarding your employment.

THIS IS A MAJOR PART OF THE BATTLEPLAN!!!!

I know this is contrary to the prevailing thought right now. But I don't really see this as a negative to be offered a full time job with benefits. You need to get really good day care for the children while at work. Then when you come home you give the children your full and best care and attention. We raised a son in this manner this entire childhood he had a great childhood. Yes it was the two of us but even a single parent can do it if necessary.

But I think the possibility of this kind of opportunity doesn't come around all the time and may never present itself again. God forbid that you should end up as a single parent but you owe this to you and your children to be able to provide the best financial security for the future. Being a SAHM while it is preferable for you may not acctually be in your best interests NOW.

JMHO FWIW

But Sis' children are up in age and are not accustomed to that type of lifestyle. I can understand if they had been raised in that manner. They are only having to make this change because of their father's adultery. My concern is mainly for the children. It does sound like a good opportunity for her. However, her children mainly have ONE PARENT while her H is active in his affair. His main priority is RT and that maybe the case for somewhile.

As I said before, I worked part-time up until the A business and even my high-school aged son had difficulty adjusting to my new schedule and increased nonavailability.

This is all so YUCKY....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

this makes me think

you are in Plan A ... which preceeds Plan B

and part of Plan A is getting ducks in order for Plan B

HAVE YOU RETAINED AN ATTORNEY?

If not, you need a family law attorney, pronto... get a reference from a friend

Pep

EXACTLY!! That's what I meant about this information being part of your BATTLE PLAN!!

getting ready for PLAN B <~~~ link

A successful battle plan is NEVER without fall back plans in place.

As Pep mentioned, part of Plan A is prepping for Plan B in terms of legalities, finances, CS, SS, etc.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN.

I'm just saying opportunities don't come around like this often. She may end up regretting it if she doess not look at it carefully. It may be providence stepping in in her time of need. Who knows.

And children know when their mother has to do what needs to be done. Not that any of will be easy. There will be many problems to overcome and possibly anger and resentment for being put in this position. But when push comes to shove you must do what is best for your family.

This is reality. He is still out there playing games but real life is staring LS in the face now. The real possibility is that she may have to become self suffiecient in the very near future. I also think that to put yourself in the position of having to be dependent upon someone who has shown the lack of responsibility that her WH has shown especially with RT in the picture is not in her and her childrens best interests.

LS you need to take care of your family with your and their best interests in mind. See a Lawyer, Look at the job carefully and evauate all possibilities before making any decisions. Make your decisions based upon what is in your and their best interests not on EMOTION.

I was just looking for that info when I got distracted (by work!)

He filed for divorce, right? So what are we looking at for time frames? You have hardly talked about that process at all. Do you have an attorney? Have you been served?

Ok -- I just went and looked at your very first thread -- he filed in June or July. What is the status of this?
I think he's dragging his feet! He probably HAD to file to appease the OW, but he's not actively pursuing it. At least that's how it seems to me.

You haven't talked about custody or settlements or or court dates or even having an attorney. This seems like an awful long way off -- not emminent.

Yes, he filed in mid-October and I've been served. We have an agreement, but interestingly my attorney cc'd me a second copy of the agreement yesterday...with the cover letter to WH's attorney stating (essentially) here's ANOTHER copy of the agreement that I sent you PREVIOUSLY, please sign so it can be entered with the court.

I took that to mean that after my attorney drew up the papers, WH's attorney didn't formally respond to the actual written agreement that needs to be filed with the court. There shouldn't be an issue with the content of the agreement because both attorneys agreed to it verbally. So I don't know if that was intentional stalling or just because of the holidays, but WH's attorney hasn't followed through...

This agreement is for the pendancy of the divorce (which takes a minimum of six months in this state). It provides for CS as per state guidelines (no wiggle room there) and WH to pay mortgage, taxes and insurance. I will continue to be covered under his health insurance until the D is final. That's actually what freaks me out more than the financial stuff....losing that health insurance. We currently have a generous plan. My employer's plan--assuming I'm eligible--is not nearly as good.

I don't honestly know anything about the D process. My attorney just calls me when he needs something...but I assume once this initial agreement for the pendancy of the divorce is worked out, it will just be a matter of time before we start talking about other issues, like the house, his retirement, pension, etc. I really don't think it's going to be all that complex, but I could be totally naieve.

The earliest the D could be final is mid-April, and I did tell my attorney that I would like to stall things as long as possible...primarily because I don't want to end my marriage, and also for practical reasons like health insurance and the summer property taxes, which are due in July and it's a chunk of change that I'd rather WH have to pay.

Has anyone ever had the petitioner (WH) pay for all attorney's fees? I SO think that would be fair. Why should I have to pay for an attorney for a divorce that I don't want? (I know the answer...to protect my rights, but still....you know what I mean...)

I assume that by the time I go to Plan B I will have talked to my attorney about what the likelihood of spousal support is, and I will also have an idea about the situation at work. Maybe the new project is something that can still allow me to be part time...who knows. But I still have that health insurance issue...unless there's a possibility that WH pay for me to stay on his under COBRA.

I think we are getting ahead of ourselves here...I think I'm right where I should be. I have an attorney, an agreement's in place, I'm FINDING OUT about a new job opportunity...it's all the ducks lining up. I'm not going to Plan B anytime soon, so there's no rush to have everything nailed down.