There are some many things I dont understand. I know that one one really does understand this, but I am hoping for at least some answers<P>1. Are some marriages just not meant to be? Is it possible that some spouses are just so good at manipulation, that we they dont get what they want anymore, than find another?<P>2. I am still confused on 'the light of day' of the affair. If both parties, even tho they both confessed once, still continue their relationship and still continue to deny it, have they started to see what they are doing? It would seem to me, that while they are in the denial stage of this, that no lights have come on yet.<P>3. What are the stages of an affair? I realize that each person has different time limits on them, but is it possible to be stuck in denial or withdrawl forever? Is it possible that an emotional relationship really never end?<P>4. My h had been married 3 times. I beleive that he has never seen the light of day from his first 2 affairs with wife #1 (he married his last affair-hence wife #2). I believe he has every intention (at least at this point) the marry affair #3 (when he gets divorced and she gets divorced).<P>5. Are emotional affairs (esp. w/ OP out of state) much harder to end? I think that these kind of affairs are VERY fantasy oriented and could possibly 'live forever'.<P>6. Can a fantasty relationship (like described above) become an obession? Can wanting someone, that is next to impossible to have, become all you think about? If so, how does something like that end?<P>Sorry for all the questions. Just my brain trying to figure this out.<P>Thanks<P>c

Hi CeeCee -<P>I think that for your situation, with your H's history, there's a lot of problems within himself that he has never faced and quite possibly doesn't even realize.<P>Every situation is different as to the whys, how longs and to what extreme they do these things.<P>My H has a lot of issues that he needs to look at within himself and it's these issues that are the root of the problem.<P>My Plan A'ing is just to keep the communication open between him and me so that he may have someone in his life that acts differently than the people he has chosen to surround himself with. His parents (the only people he talks with occassionally besides me) are a big part of why he has been able to do alot of what he has done and still look at himself in the mirror!! <P>Eventually, these issues of his will need to be tended to by him....<P>Anyway, there really aren't any definitive answers to the questions that you have....comes down to his own issues and mindset. The fantasy is on top of those hidden roots, so that even when the fantasy is done with one OP - if he doesn't then address the roots, he would have to once again find a fantasy to be able to escape those root issues again.<P>Does this make sense? <P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Cheryl,<P>I'll take my stab at your questions (good ones too!)<P>1. Saying that "some marriages are just not meant to be" is the same thing as saying "you are my soulmate". Like fate or something. I'm not sure I believe in that stuff. However, I do believe that some marriages are really really really hard to fix, and should probably end.<P>2. I believe the "seeing the light of day" phrase refers to the affair being exposed. But I think you are right in your interpretation. If the betrayers {b]think{/b] that they are still getting away with something, then it hasn't been exposed in their minds...<P>3. Stages of affair... um -- dumb, dumber, dumbest... Seriously... I don't think withdrawal can last forever. Time heals all. There might always be a small part of the betrayer's heart for the OP, but the withdrawal will eventually end. An emotional affair can indeed last a long time. Before it is exposed, an affair can last YEARS! But most affairs fall apart when they start seeing beyond the fantasy, which usually happens after the affair has been exposed.<P>4. Well that wasn't really a question was it? Your husband seems to be making the same mistakes over and over again, and instead of choosing to fix himself, he runs to the next victim. arrgh!<P>5. Emotional affairs are very hard to finish. In the case of your husband, they don't see each other, so he can keep the fantasy of her going in his brain. She's still perfect because he hasn't had a chance to see her in a bad light yet. If they ever actually get together, their relationship will more than likely end before too long, rest assured. Your husband has a proven track record.<P>6. You asked that question before didn't you? Yeah, I can see how it would be very easy for something like that to turn into an obsession! It's already so close to one as it is. Your husband is addicted to the OW. It's only a small step forward to become obsessed. As to how something like that ends... well your guess is as good as mine!<P>--andy

Thanks you two. I was hoping that you two would post. I always like to hear what you have to say.<P>Sheba- I agree with everything you said. My h also is running to his family for support, although it is not really support. His family is telling him that he is not worthy and that he has made another mistake and he should move on, blah, blah. No much love there. But, where else can he go? He refuses to talk to me, on Plan B now anyway, and since the only OP that will talk to him is the OW, that is where he goes. She coddles him and give him the attention he so deperately needs. I have learned alot about my h because of this, and I realize that I made alot of mistakes in handling different situtations that arose in our marriage.<BR>You always amaze me with your will power. Still praying for you. <P>Andy- Thanks for your replies. I was hoping that you would jump in to my rescue .<BR>I know that you have been through alot of emotional pain, and that you are still struggling. You sound like a very strong man, with a huge amount of love. Thank you for your words and wisdom. Maybe one day I will be able to give you some wisdom of my own.<P>God Bless,<P>c