Feeling like I'm going to vomit today for some reason.

I got the rose, and as I was driving down the main drag, passed WH heading in the opposite direction (towards the coffee shop where OW works). I waited about five minutes, then circled back to see if he was parked there...I was going to leave the rose on his car. No sign of him; also no sign that OW was working today (thus WH didn't stop, apparently). So I gave up and drove to ILs...left the rose by the back door.

On the little card, I just wrote "one..."

I also sent the above referenced email, reminding him of a romantic moment...

LilSis - This stuff is EXHAUSTING. I promise you that things will work out fine for you. You are working on the things you need to work on. Don't waste time checking and worrying.

((((Sis))))

Hope it helps to know that you are not alone...we are here and ...MOST IMPORTANTLY..you are IN HIS ARMS...the LORD is carrying you and HE will take care of you....

I definitely remember THOSE DAYS....knowing he was with her..trying to continue with PLAN A...

Hang in there...

THE DARKEST HOUR IS JUST BEFORE DAWN

lilsis;

That rose is such a PERFECT idea. It signals a new start, its incredibily romantic, and it will fill his head with thoughts and memories of you.

He may not mention it to you. But he'll be thinking about you. Its going to make him squirm. Its going to cause conflict and confusion in his mind -- so he may even lash out at you. Be prepared, and take it as a GOOD sign. You're having an effect.

When's 2?

And....if you could do it when he's at the coffee shop -- EVEN BETTER. There is a chance OW would see it, and she'll blow a gasket!

so, are the boys spending the weekend with him?

what is his parenting time schedule? every other weekend?

does he have a day during the week? if not, he should, and I suggest Wednesdays. Maybe you could angle for that....an activity on Wednesdays for fathers and sons. Or maybe you have a meeting every Wednesday night???

Thanks everyone for the boost. It's good to be at work today, too. Usually I'm off on Fridays. WH and I had a standing breakfast date every Friday BEFORE....we were regulars at the restaurant, knew the waitresses, etc. I really enjoyed those breakfasts.

Lex: I was thinking Weds. or Thurs. next week for the second delivery. Those are his days off...otherwise I could leave it by the back door for him to discover when he arrives home from work....?? Suggestions on the timing of this would be great....maybe see if there is any reaction and gauge it from there.

Yes, boys are with him every other weekend, and on the weeks that he has Weds. off (which is every other week), that is the "during the week" day that he has them (very deliberatly). On the other weeks, it is usually Tuesday because that is a night that I frequently have meetings.

Hey all:
Remind me again of why I shouldn't think that WH's "normal-ness" or lack of reaction isn't simply due to the fact that he's completely committed to his new life and is simply relieved to hear that "if it (recovery) doesn't happen," that I'll be okay...?? Or that he just feels sorry for my "pathetic" attempts to get his attention...??

Just askin'....

"Hey all:
Remind me again of why I shouldn't think that WH's "normal-ness" or lack of reaction isn't simply due to the fact that he's completely committed to his new life and is simply relieved to hear that "if it (recovery) doesn't happen," that I'll be okay...?? Or that he just feels sorry for my "pathetic" attempts to get his attention...?? "

Stop thinking. Did Pep tell you to think????? Just follow the plan and trust it. Otherwise you will drive yourself bonkers.

Sent a text:
Missing ____(name of restaurant) this morning

You are right. I'm going to find someone who's in the office today who wants to go out for lunch. I'm also going to email my best friend and ask if she wants to go shopping tomorrow. That's my kick in the pants (or skirt, as the case may be) Get over yourself, LS!! Thanks, B!!

Can't think when I'm busy, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ahhhh.... retail therapy awaits.

>insert "spit take" here<

a crucial part of an excellent (not perfect) Plan A is ...

>drum roll<

self soothing and self pampering

trust your TAKER to inform you when you need to apply soul salve

prayers for you

God our Father
envelope LilSis with your Grace
comfort her and keep her
during this trouble

AMEN

He will not expose his inner turmoil -- until it becomes impossible to contain.

So, just know that your efforts are having a tremendous effect on him -- but he will almost refuse to let you see that.
In fact, he will go the opposite direction -- he will force everything to appear more normal and calm than it really is.

He has turned his whole life upside down -- not only the physical differences (where he lives, etc.) but also on the inside too (against his principals, character, integrity, honesty, etc.)

He is in huge conflict with himself.

And there is a huge amount of pressure and expectation for the OW to be "worth it." He's given up SO MUCH to be with her. When the cracks start coming in the affair, its absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for it to live up to the expectations he has for it.

Which is why you need to analyze and exploit. Anything you can do to make them start fighting with each other, while you are the calm, positive, BETTER choice for him....
See? This stuff works!

I FINALLY got a response to my third request for WH to pick up the boys afterschool...at about 12:30. School gets out at 3:30, and I had told him the reason I need him to pick them up is because I have a meeting. Why should these trifling matters interfere with him getting his crack fix?

No response to anything else, just:
Hi, looking forward to seeing the boys. No need to drop anything off, I have clothes for them. Thanks for the pictures (of the Ford funeral).

I wonder if the clothes he has for them are more hand-me-downs from RT's kids. If they so much as set foot in my house in anything from her again, it is going DIRECTLY to Goodwill. I told him once, nicely...next time I won't say anything at all.

FIL supposedly is leaving today for AZ. This will change the dynamic at the house and it makes me anxious. No more "hall monitor" as LG called him. I did give FIL the letter in which I asked him to establish very clear and firm boundaries with WH about letting RT in the house. MIL previewed the letter and said everything in it was absolutely in line with her thinking. Not that it will do any good, but I would really appreciate it if FIL FINALLY took a firm stance. For goodness sake, WH--a married man--has been living in their home while carrying on publicly with a married woman. They call it "obscene" and "illegitimate," but do nothing except "tsk, tsk, you shouldn't do that." The fact that they stand for being treated that way baffles me.

Rant over.

Thanks, Lex. I think I will drop by ILs today, anyway...maybe with the WH's fav cookies I was not in the mood to bake last night. I had told WH in my original email that I would be by to bring by the overnight stuff AND to give the boys hugs and kisses (I had also told the boys this is what would happen so I want to follow through...I hate seeing them off in the morning and then not see them for two days).

This will also give me a little face time; a chance to charm and surprise WH. (He is probably afraid of that, thus the assertion that I don't need to come by.)

Thank you SO VERY MUCH for the assurance that he's in conflict, and that there is a REASON that I can't see it. MIL and FIL say he is in conflict as well, but I have always worried that it is just wishful thinking on their part...they've been saying that since day 1, and WH has just fallen further and further into the gutter. I don't see it...so I just need to go on FAITH.

Going on faith is one of the MAJOR lessons I have learned through this process, and both Pep and mimi have mentioned it again just today. I need to go back and reaffirm that lesson with myself. Trust in God. He has the plan, and I can't try to control it or tell him what I want him to do.

As for the self-pampering, one of my work friends and I had a nice lunch, and my best friend was up for shopping sometime this weekend. Yay! Sounds fun.

If the kids show up in hand me downs from OW's kids.

Perhaps you could put them in a pile in the front yard and burn them.

Leave the remains intact.

When WH asks about them indicate, very calmly and matter of fact that you thought the clothes were infected and needed extreme and immediate sterilization.

He'll get the point.

Mr. Wondering

Little discouraged.

I made WH's favorite cookies (also FIL's favs), and packed up the kid's overnight stuff to bring over to ILs. Premise is that the cookies are for FIL for his trip; he's leaving in the AM for the drive to AZ.

I had called FIL to ask if the boys were there before I left (I wanted to see them and WH). When I arrived (five minutes later), WH had just left with the boys...FIL had announced that I was on the way (DOH!). As I walked in the back door, I saw my rose, still sitting right where I had left it, in its wrapper, next to the back door. Couldn't tell if he had opened the card because I hadn't sealed the envelope.

Right away, I asked FIL if WH found out I was coming and took off. He said, pretty much, yeah. I could see DS8's coat on the back of a chair, which means that unless he went out without a coat, he's wearing the hand-me-down one. I started crying, and FIL hugged me and went on about how badly he felt, how this is not what he wants, how he doesn't understand his son, wonders if he's culpable for his son's actions. I told him about how it took me three attempts to confirm that WH would pick up the kids today....he's just not "there," has no sense. FIL just shook his head, equally baffled.

FIL said it seems like WH is really undone (not his word exactly; can't remember exactly what he said) at the idea of seeing me or having contact with me; that this has been much worse lately. He told me that he had read my letter. I told him I wasn't giving up, and he said, "No, don't. Keep doing whatever you are doing, even though I don't understand it." He said that with a great deal of certainty. I told him that I was going to fight the good fight. "That phrase has a whole new meaning to me now," he said.

When we said good-bye, I cried again. I told him that I was so afraid of what WH would do, maybe bring the kids around OW. FIL shook his head sadly, and told me that he agreed with me completely that OW is NOT to be in their house, and he has been very clear with WH about that; if WH violates it, "it will surely burn in his conscience." I told him that I was doing much better and he said he knew that; MIL has been telling him. I told him that I've discovered I'm pretty tough...he said he admired that. Tonight's events weren't going to push me over the edge...really it just hurt my feelings more than anything. He told me he knew, he understood, "why would it not?" he asked.

We hugged and said good-bye; he assured me he would be thinking of us every minute of his drive across the country. He told me he loved me.

So I sobbed the two minute drive back to my house, but I'm okay now. There is a feeling of peace knowing that I have FIL's support...maybe because my own dad is gone now, having that kind of affection is so comforting...I miss my dad so much. Anyway, I'm home now, and I'm going to take a bubble bath and enjoy a quiet night with no kids around. Tomorrow is shopping with my best friend, so I'm looking forward to that.

Darn it, guys. I'm trying so hard to create these opportunities to do my Plan A, and WH is thwarting me. How can I Plan A when I don't even see him? It makes me afraid that I won't have sufficient impact before I go to Plan B.

(sigh)

He's not thwarting you..he is moving from withdrawl to conflict.

A man who has to flee your very presence is not a man who is emotionally detached.

Don't expect him to necessarily be happy and ready to recover..were that the case plan B would not be necessary.

You are doing a great job and accomplishing what you are meant to accomplish. You ARE hitting the mark.

...or is this me (or my inner Miss Perfection) expecting myself to do a PERFECT plan A?? Not allowing myself to let things happen as God has planned? Is Miss P rearing her ugly head? or is there something REALISTIC that I can do/should do better?

Help me tell the difference, please....I'm pretty ineffective at recognizing when Miss P is messing in my business.

yeppers dat noodlehead is right

the opposite of love is not hate

it is indifference

WH sho ain't indifferent to your Plan A ... it's getting under his skin that he is causing such pain to such a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> broad

call a friend ... see if you can arrange a sleepover ... have some company besides us

Pep <~~~ waiting for Mr Pep to return & take me out for sushi

I agree..order some pizza or mexican and booze with a good [female!] friend and rent some movies.