IamG:
Thank you for your prayers. Posting here is so helpful to me as a way to process my emotions and reactions, so it's an incredible bonus that I get so much help from the experts, AND provide some inspiration (or maybe entertainment?) for others.

I'm reluctant to say welcome to MB, because I assume you came here for unhappy reasons. Nonetheless, you'll find the support and knowledge here to be very comforting and empowering. I lurked for a long time, too. I'd encourage you to just jump in with your story and let the people here support you. You will feel so much less alone.

Best,
LilSis

LilSis -

The first sign of healing around here is when newbies start reaching out to others. I'm always encouraged when I see that.

So, did you buy anything????

Cute little pink bra at Victoria's Secret, and a bunch of nice smelling stuff from Bath and Body Works. Great sales! Came home and took a bubble bath and a nap.

I like the "self-pampering" part of Plan A....

Oh, I love Bath and Body Works stuff. I went by Victoria'a Secret yesterday (looking for Wii with son), and peaked in. But what can you do with you grown son along?

I didn't come to this site for the same reasons as most everyone else. I didn't come as a BS or WS, but as one who was very tempted at the time. Fortunately, I did NOT act on my temptation and for that, I am very grateful. Reading the stories here...the pain, the loss, etc...made me realize all I had to lose. I have since done some Plan A-ing in my marriage and things have gotten much better.

greatful - Hope you will check out the emotional needs forum. They are real good with problems that don't involve infidelity.

To the original poster (LilSis)....I have read your entire thread and must say I am very impressed with your strength and fortitude in this. You are one tough woman and have handled yourself well (minus the arrest...LOL).

I don't know if your marriage will survive this....but I will assure you that you will get another chance with your husband. Hang in there long enough, work the principles, respect yourself, maintain your integrity....and the rest will come.

In the end, you may not want another chance with your husband....BUT......you WILL get another chance. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week......but eventually you will get that chance. I am 100% sure of this.....

Goodluck

Lemonman

slow nite in the ER Doctor ??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I'm impressed, Lemonman. That's a lot of reading...

But it sparked my curiousity....what did he read that was compelling enough to keep his interest through some 50 pages? So I went back and read my first few pages. WOW...I am so, so glad I took the time to do that!

What growth and change in me since then! I was struggling with this so much at first; so uncertain; so lacking in confidence. I was completely out of hope, felt powerless and weak, at the end of my rope, helplessly watching my marriage, and my H, circle the drain. Not truly understanding Plan A/B...but going on faith that what you were advising me was the right way to behave. This was my one last attempt...the last gasp of a defeated woman. I decided to give it a try.

When I first posted, I thought I had grown (and I certainly had, from when I hit bottom). Little did I know that through this board, my growth would continue, and at an exponential rate.

My perspective now...as a more experienced Plan Aer...I see how right you all were, what wonderful advice you provided. My faith was well-placed. Without question, I am on the right path. WH is in turmoil, I feel really, really, really positive about myself and my actions, my relationships with my ILs is stronger than ever, and I have a deeper relationship with God. No matter the outcome of my M (I still wince when I say that, though), I am an altogether better person.

Thank you, everyone, for giving me that gift.

Hey LM, we miss you.

LilSis - If you ever want to read a real cliff hanger, check out LM's story.

Now, back to the important stuff - did you get the house all sparkling clean yesterday?

Well, thanks for asking! I got the tree undecorated and about six loads of laundry done. Today will be the hands and knees floor cleaning that allows me to meet my personal threshold of "sparkling clean." Used to do that every week...now I don't care nearly so much. I see that as progress. WH used to get so mad when I would get all compulsive about getting the house clean, and he was right. (I think he was a slob on purpose, sometimes...just to thwart me)

Dropped the boys off with WH at his folks after church. I refuse to call it "his house;" it's "your folks" or "Nana and Papa's." He was in the kitchen putting away groceries. Interesting, because he USED to be very much opposed to shopping on Sunday. I stepped in with a nice smile and greeting, and asked him about dinner later.
WH: No, thanks for the offer, though.
DS11: Please dad?
WH: No, not this time.
LS: Okay, well, if you change your mind...5:00.
WH: I'll have the kids home by then.

I plan to call just before 5:00 and ask that he come in and take the tree out for me. It will smell nice, and I can have a container of roast and potatoes for him to take home even if he chooses not to stay (which he won't).

I did quiz DS11 a bit about their activities yesterday (I know...not supposed to do that...). I asked if dad seemed upset that I had come in yesterday. He said no...and offered that dad had put the "flower" in a vase. He also told me that dad has decided that his NEW favorite cookies are oatmeal...not gingersnaps, like they have been since I first made them for him when we were dating. RT must not be a fan of gingersnaps, or maybe her recipe stinks. Oh, wait, do they make pre-packaged gingersnap cookie dough? Because that would be her style. (gag)

Anyway, if WH takes care of the tree for me, I will consider it a major victory after how he's been behaving the last few days. At least this morning he didn't go all Dracula on me, screaming from the cross. (that IS an empowering image, really...makes me chuckle)

LS

I would make ginger snaps AND oatmeal for him then. That way you're covered.

BTW: The fresh smell of potroast and potatoes on a chilly Winters day to a hungry bach-type male is almost irresistable, I suspect. Good plan.

Maybe you could throw some home made pie (his fave) in there. One that just happens to be freshly taken outta the oven when he arrives and strategically placed within eyes/smell shot of the front door.

Jo

LilSis:

Your Miss P was in full rage yesterday.....

The kids teeth, his shorts and Sweatshirt, and it was NOON!

Was it always reveille at 6:00 am at the old LilSis house?

This is the lifestyle they have right now. WH may even prefer it. So be careful. Put Miss P in your back pocket.

Miss P needs to understand what is important and what those boundaries are. And where somethings may be dialed down from 10 to 8 or 7.

Please be advised that your IL's will become the lovenest until they return.

Your weak FIL and MIL's request that he does not bring her there means nothing. It's a free for all until they return.

If your IL's wanted to be strong, they would NOT let him live there. And guess where he would be if they would not let him live there?

YOUR HOUSE!

How much better could your Plan A be then?

So tell your IL's that you will monitor thier sons use of the home. If he brings OW there, what are they going to do? Because if they just tell him to stop doing that, then they are giving the addict free crack.


But your Plan A is working. Do not know if it will work completely or not, (i.e., recovered M) But the Plan A part is working. (The head in hands? OMG, He can't stand it!)

Also I would not recommend Plan B until after your IL's return.

Two reasons:

One, if RT's divorce goes to final soon after PBL, to much opportunity there. RT is free, and WH may feel that your Letter gave him an out.

Two, if IL's around, they can police the house. And allow your Plan A to continue, and get better, creating more conflict. And if your WH's response is not really there, then the RT alternative can't use IL's house to continue the A.

Once the IL's are gone, it is time to start popping in at odd times, just to say hello. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You will not believe how twitchy he starts getting when he never knows when or where you will show up.



LEM!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree with LG...

Cool it on the Miss Priss...You said he disliked your cleaning. What's that about, you think? Too motherly?

OW will probably be over at the ILs...the sneakinest is EXCITING to infidels...keeps the HIGH GOING...

Might want to rethink Plan B timing...

LG:
You depress me, you know it?? (but keep it coming, I appreciate your POV)

It wasn't Miss P having a hissy yesterday. I'm all for lazy Saturday mornings; I can sit around and drink coffee in my slippers with the best of 'em. But when WH only has the boys for a few hours each week and a couple of overnights every other week, I would hope that he'd do something besides give them cold cereal and unlimited cartoons until noon....and it didn't appear that they were about to head off to some highly engaging and interactive activity, either. He's at the computer; they're watching TV in the other room...now THERE'S some quality time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />Sheesh Those boys MISS their dad like crazy, and he's oblivious. It just hurts me to see that he's so uninvolved, so insensitive to their needs, so uncaring. (such a crack addict)

RE the living situation: I have been very clear with ILs about my difference of opinion on WH's living situation. However, as we all know, we can only control our own behavior. They've made their decision about this...I have to live with it. I totally agree with you, but what do I do? I think letting this one go and maintaining an excellent relationship with ILs is preferable to continuing to beat a dead horse at the expense of that critical relationship.

That said, I don't know that it will necessarily be a free for all in ILs home...RT has her house that they can desecrate any time they please. She only lives a few blocks away. Either way, I think the only "win" I can take away from this is that AT LEAST FIL set a firm and decisive boundary with WH about RT's presence in the home, which made it very clear to WH once AGAIN that RT will never be accepted. And I am probably totally naive...(go ahead and say yes) but I'm not entirely sure that WH doesn't have some level of respect for his parents' wishes on this. He can ignore me and ignore his kids, but his folks...??? It was one thing when everything was a big secret, but now that it's out...even as I type it, it sounds lame...okay...let the free for all ensue. YUCK

RE the PBL timeline: I'd like other feedback on this. You raise a good point about RT's divorce finalizing about the same time as my PBL. I hadn't considered that. Is it possible that could work to my ADVANTAGE...in that once her D is final, she'll start putting the pressure on him? (one can hope)

Two problems with your suggestion to wait until ILs return, though, LG. First, I'd have to keep this going until mid-April. Don't know if I can do that or should do that. I would assume that at some point, Plan A loses its cache for the WS...if I kept this up for an inordinate amount of time, would he begin to lose respect for me? What would you suggest is a optimal time frame for Plan A, or does it all just depend?

Second, ILs have made it clear to WH that he is to vacate the house prior to their return...so the advantage of having them monitor his behavior is lost anyway.

Dang, LG. Is there a win for me here, anywhere???

BTW...I didn't indicate to either the kids or WH that I even noticed that they were all sitting around in their underwear at noon, I just breezed in and out with a smile on my face...so it was not an LB. I saved that for you guys... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, how much are you thinking would be a good amount of shrinkage for the Plan B timeline?

I would definitely concur that mid-April is too long. He might not have lost respect for Sis by that time more than he has already done, but she would be a basket case.

I take my Plan B shrinkage statement back....

I'M NUTS TODAY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Okay, because I'm freaking out here...I've been keeping that general timeline of mid-February in my mind. The thought of going until April does not sound good for me or good for WH or good for chances of R.

All the peace created by yesterday's self-pampering just went out the window.