SIS..Please disregard anything I said about changing the target date...

However, I've been reading HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND START LIVING by Dale Carnegie...a wonderful book, IMO...

Check out this quote:


FOCUS ON TODAY..TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME..

It's stuff you seem to already know but I bumped an old post of mine for you....

Thanks, mimi. I'll read that thread next. It is so true...I've always been a worrywart, and it is such a waste of energy. I feel that the NEW me is less so...being more open, living more in the present, having more faith, and being less perfectionistic does not elicit the same level of constant anxiety, if that makes sense. However, Miss WW requires an exorcism as well, right along with Miss P and (to a lesser degree) my inner Pollyanna. Who had those exorcism recipes again...???

WH did take care of the tree when he dropped off the boys. I had set the table for four, and as they walked in, I told him I was hoping I could convince him to stay for dinner. He gave me a "don't push it" look, as apparently the boys had been after him to stay on the ride over.

I accepted that disappointing (but not unexpected) news with a smile, and wrapped up some meat, potatoes, gravy and veggies and put it all in a bag for him while he removed the tree. He accepted the food and as he walked out the door, I managed to get in a quick hug and a kiss on the neck. No hug back, but he did smile as he left, so I guess he wasn't angry. I told him how much I appreciated him taking care of the tree...he loaded it in the Suburban and was going to drop it off at the park for recycling.

LG's words are still weighing on me, though...I'll read your thread, mimi. Thanks.

Had you thought about scheduling a session with Steve Harley? It seems like the perfect time for this in helping you with your planning.

Yeah, I agree. You should run the Plan B timing against Steve H.

I don't think it (Plan B) should be pushed out because Plan A simply becomes enablement at that point. But I'm also concerned regarding OW's divorce finalization being in alignment with Plan B start date.

Jo

Run it by the Harley's, but I think you need to do Plan A a bit longer. You will know if it gets to the point where you may lose your love for your husband. You are doing very well right now.

I wish your husband was living with the OW. Right now he has his own little place to escape to, and that makes it harder.

My ex's OW kept spending time with her husband and daughter. She was back and forth all the time. I think that is one way she was able to keep the fantasy alive for so long.

This is just my own .002, yes, I mean 2/10 of a cent, but bare minimum, I would personally like to see Plan A at least through January. That is just over three weeks. If Sis was able to keep it up longer without becoming exhausted or her LB too drained, a little longer would be good.

Do you think Plan B would have more of an impact before or after OW's D is final? My first thought would be to do it before, but this is outside my own realm of experience.

Just to explain why I thought before might be better:

LilSis begins Plan B.
Her WH is relieved and yet horrified.
Reality begins to sink in.
WH begins to feel trapped.
OW D becomes final.
OW wants to move the A right along forward.
WH feels extremely trapped.
WH feels extremely pressured.
What he once looked forward to is now a millstone around his neck.
WH drags his feet.
OW pushes harder.
WH drags his feet.
OW LB's on a grand scale.
WH thinks longingly of his lost peace and family.
WH blows a gasket.
WH kicks OW to the curb.
FWH and LilSis begin recovery.
OW hugs the porcelain shrine.

I'll check my financial situation and consider a call to Steve H. I haven't had the guts to open the credit card bill that just came...it has all the Christmas stuff on it. I have never had a month when I have not paid off a credit card bill in full. This may be the month I carry a balance.

So putting that one aside for the moment, is it POSSIBLE that the timing could work to my advantage? If her D is final, and PBL is delivered, won't reality hit them like a ton of bricks (not immediately, of course, but soon enough)? I was just reading mimi's thread, and that was one of the things mentioned...something about the more time the A partners spend together, the better.

I don't know the exact date that her D is final, but her STBX filed in mid-July. It takes a minimum of six months, so mid-January...maybe. I do not believe they had a lot of "loose ends." He's an attorney, and was the one who filed, so I don't think it would be dragged out too long. If I PBL in mid-Feb., it is conceivable that her D could have been final for a month.

I don't know. I'm so confused and frustrated. And now I don't have any eyes or ears (like FIL was) to keep me posted as to what's going on...so I have only my own limited interactions to gauge what's happening in A world.

Couple of other things jumped out at me from your thread, mimi. One was that you could count your real friends on one hand. I had just been thinking about that and was relieved to read that was true for you as well.

Another had to do with Plan A...creating special memories, etc. I am NOT convinced that I can REALLY do a good Plan A with him gone. I just can't compete with CRACK COCAINE. It's like taking an asprin when addicted to morphine. Doesn't even phase him. There's NO WAY I can be meeting his ENs with our limited interactions, especially when he's not even open to me meeting them.

Bottom line: WH has already Plan B'd me. He is NOT CAKE EATING. He's getting nothing from me; wants nothing from me. I can see where Plan A/B would work for a cake eater, but my WH is not one of those. He's GONE. Why SHOULD Plan B have ANY effect?<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I really need to call MIL for a boost. She always brings it back to the spiritual component and somehow that is more solid, more grounding, with a broader perspective...it relieves the anxiety, relieves the need to CONTROL. Allows me to put faith in GOD, that he will guide this somehow to the proper outcome. I don't need to see the path, he does. Have faith, have faith...

What happened to me today?!?!

I certainly do love the OW curb kicking and her porcelain shrine hugging. Actions that tug at my heart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Maybe LG's post got you to thinking negative, when it shouldn't. You have every reason to be positive. Your Plan A is very very good. It IS making an impact.

Heck, even SourDude (LemonMan) chimed in to tell you you're a Plan A goddess and sees your husband coming around. Coming from him, one who is not a 100% MB Plan advocate (aka skeptic), thats saying ALOT.

No more negative thinking. New mind-set, new week, new opportunities with God at the helm.

Jo

Neak's scenario works for me.

I can definately keep it up until mid-February. That was my plan, so I am psychologically prepared to go that long. I'm fine now...or WAS until all this today!

Hmmmm....I wonder if there's a truly significant difference in your timeline if you transposed lines #1 and #2 with line #5:

OW D becomes final.
Reality begins to sink in.
WH begins to feel trapped.
LilSis begins Plan B.
WH is relieved and yet horrified.
OW wants to move the A right along forward.
WH feels extremely trapped.
WH feels extremely pressured.
What he once looked forward to is now a millstone around his neck.
WH drags his feet.
OW pushes harder.
WH drags his feet.
OW LB's on a grand scale.
WH thinks longingly of his lost peace and family.
WH blows a gasket.
WH kicks OW to the curb.
FWH and LilSis begin recovery.
OW hugs the porcelain shrine.

Maybe this is where it goes to God. I do what I can do, for as long as I can do it without compromising my integrity or becoming doormatty. Let the chips fall where they may; RT's D becomes irrelevant. I try to think of RT as irrelevant, anyway, so that works in my grand scheme.

Thoughts?

PS: We may now all add "porcelain shrine hugging" and "doormatty" to our MB vocab, along with the recently added "curb kicking"

Thanks, Jo. That is exactly what I have to do. That's where I was this morning, and at peace. I have to stop overthinking this. I can only do what I can do, coming from my place of love and respect. I MUST keep this mindset; to do otherwise is unhealthy.

That said, I hope you all don't mind that I post like there's no tomorrow. It really, really helps me process everything. It's my virtual journal...

I didn't realize the significance of Lemonman's name...Sourdude. ha ha. You know how you sometimes wonder about the derivation of screennames? (maybe that's just me) It's kind of fun when the truth comes out...

LilSis - Stop standing out by the garden, willing the plants to pop up. It will happen in it's own time. Your husband is still early in your Plan A. My ex used to go months with no contact, and then suddenly want to reconcile.

Turst that this stuff does work.

B: I laugh ashamedly at myself every time you remind me about the garden. I know you are right. Another Mom-ism: A watched pot never boils. (That one's more common, but she grew up in rural Indiana, and has some doozies)

I am going to put it all aside and just do MY best. Jo said yesterday:
- Live impeccably in your word
- Don't take anything personally
- Make no assumptions
- Do your best, always

This is all that I can do, and have faith in God to sort out the rest. Wonderful rules to live by, in MB and in life.

Ahhhh...peace. Crisis averted. Now I shall go kiss my two beautiful boys good night on their soft little cheeks, and tuck them in their cozy beds for sweet dreams. (Those of you who have grown boys can get all misty now...)

Sis:

The more I think about, I think it would be a good idea for you to STRONGLY consider sacrificing and doing whatever you need to do to schedule a session with Steve. IMO, it will be well worth for it for you.

I'm saying this because I feel so optimistic about your situation and wish for you to make the BEST decisions based on EXPERT knowledge. I give lots of the credit for our marital recovery to Steve.

I think you especially need direction on what to say IN CONVERSATION with your WH. I think there needs to be some direct conversation about giving your marriage "another chance'"..My H was responsive to that type of conversation during PLAN A although he didn't feel "IN LOVE" with me...I loved that I could count on Steve telling me what to say...He would say.."Write this down..."

Plus, not meaning to confuse you, Steve told ME to stay in PLAN A as long as possible. He was more liberal than those here on the forum, gearing his recommendations to our particular circumstances. He said to stay in PLAN A until I felt that my love for him was dying....but he did support MY DECISION to go into PLAN B once my H LEFT ME for the 2ND TIME (YUCK).. I've read that he has counseled others differently so it might be helpful to talk to him at least once given the particulars regarding the OW's divorce...the OW in my case WAS NOT MARRIED AND DID NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED...

BTW: I still kiss my boys on their "soft" yet sometimes hairy cheeks but not when putting them to bed... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sometimes you've got to take Plan A down a different path

I was thinking

is it possible that you & the boys join a family adult-child bowling league?

you & boys bowling ... invite WH along (he prolly won't go but no matter)... kids will like it

it shows WH a new you

it does not have to be bowling, of course, but some kid-friendly activity that the boys will talk about when they are with their Dad

boxing, karate, trampoline jumping, pool, paintballing, pee-wee golf, batting cages, bikes ... whatever is available to you in your area

something that shows you are willing to do somethings that are new and different

something physical/sporty

just a suggestion

besides, I think you need some fun

Pep

Interesting enough, Lem's name was because he either loved lemons as a kid or sold them, something like that.

As B mentioned, he has the most incredible story. Its a very good read if you have the time.

When he first came to MB he was quite skeptical of the plans, but the more he hung out, the more he saw value in them. His biggest beef still tho is people taking Plan A too far thus becoming doormats. And he doesn't hesitate posting his opinion on that when he sees it. We like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You post as much as you need to Sis. Thats what we're here for.

Resilient, thanks for the words. I will clear up a few things though, seeing as Lilsis doesn't know me and I don't plan to comment on her particualars or give advice/opinion here after this post.

I made the name Lemonman because I was always a Meadowlark Lemon fan (of Harlem Globetrotters fame) and used to have a basketball jersey of his I wore all of the time as a young boy. I don't particularly like Lemons, and I never sold them for much profit as a kid. Perhaps I made a few coins here or there with a lemonade stand back in the day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't participate in the board much anymore, as I don't feel the "need" to provide advice or give opinions. In reality, I am not a Saint, and I think I got what I needed to get from the board and a difficult time in my life, and "moved on". There are FAR more qualified people to give opinions on "marriage building" than me. I feel it all has been "said" before. I am not an expert on these plans, and I think that my difference in interpretation can be at times very confusing for someone to understand. This is the EXACT kind of situation where my comments and opinions would NOT likely hit "their mark". I do understand that now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I agree with your thoughts about Plan A. I think many people take the "plan A" to harmful levels. I think many people sacrifice their integrity and engage in far more "manipulation" of a situation than they want to believe. I think the concept of "change" is used in a much more liberal sense than is reality.

I hate to see people use themselves as doormats in some sense of "marriage saving" desperation (and this is not at all my opinion of this thread by the way). Call it what you want. I think self love, maintaining dignity, and integrity should PREVAIL over giving a thousand "second" chances to a Wayward. I think many people still confuse these things here, and end up being worse off after the "misuse" of these plans. There is one situation here that has not changed one iota, yet the same dysfunctional behavior remains...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

That all being said, I think the original poster in this thread has done a marvelous job of telling her story. She seems very intelligent. loving, caring, and writes very well. I don't find the time to read much here anymore, but I have to be honest I started this thread last night and did not go to sleep till I was done reading every last post by the author (admittedly, there are some posters responses whom I just skipped). The story and the way the author expressed herself made me want to read more.

Lilsis....you seem like a very smart, independent, self sufficient woman. You are taking life's worst and meeting it head on. Ofcourse you are comsumed by your hurt and pain and fear for your children, but as the battle wears on, you will be gaining so much more from this. I hope your Wayward Husband comes back to your family, but even if he doesn't......you'll be "ok". Something definitely tells me so. With or without the Wayward, you are going to flourish in this life.

THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO "BELIEVE" IN.

Best of luck

LM

Because right now, he assumes he can ignore you all he wants and you'll still be available to him if and when he feels like seeing you(as you have been, since you're in Plan A).

But in Plan B, suddenly you are cut off and totally unavailable. He doesn't have that option anymore. It's all out of his hands and he no longer has any control over the situation.

See the difference?
Mulan