OHHH...we had a Sweet Potato Queen party at work once...we all had to make something from the book. (17 women in my office). I LOOOVE the Sweet-n-Salties.

Now the quote makes sense.

Okay, back on topic, ladies. (although I'll be looking over my shoulder for a big bomb from Mel)

Susan & I went to the SPQ parade in 2005 ... Suz went without me in 2006 ... I wish I could go every year

way too fun

Pep

LilSis:

Although the 31 Reasons book is a great recommendation, I wouldn't put it on the counter for H yet.

Mimi's right about:

A NON-CONFLICTED WH..would have thrown the roses in the trash..as in "I'M FINISHED WITH HER...ICK"....

Keep at it.

And visit, visit, visit. Lose the kids and even panties, sometimes.

One more thing, when the Man-Vase Disappears, that means RT has been over (bent over?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) to the IL's.

Nice little RT detector you have there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> So keep the roses coming. And never, ever, put them in the Man-Vase for him. Maybe pull the older ones out...

But, you could put a card on his bed....

LG

P.S., And I always liked Better Maid potato chips with a Bottle of Mountain Dew. Sometimes with a Twinkie chaser, from the PARTY-STORE!

Reporting to my superiors...

WH came by to drop off the boys, and as he let them out of the car he told me that I was going to have to help DS11 with his homework because it didn't get done. (Great....) I stood out there while he explained and the boys went into the house. Apparently DS11 was not having a great afternoon and didn't tell WH that he didn't have his homework done (when I dropped the kids off, I made of point of telling WH that DS11 had to prepare a speech for tomorrow). Anyway...no big deal...WH has never been a homework Nazi, and I'm sure he's even less so now, so I blow it off.

WH: I don't know what's wrong with him. He says he hates his life, hates school and would rather be dead.
LS: He's really hard on himself and he's struggling. (Just so you know, this is DS11 being very dramatic because he procrastinated so long on doing this speech. He was fine this morning and afternoon...typical pre-adolescent drama going on)
Out of the blue WH says, "Enough with the roses, okay?" I just look at him and smile. "Why?" I ask.
WH: Just don't, okay?
LS: I just like to. It means a lot to me.
WH: But...(sigh) Why didn't you pick up the cat food I bought for you at Sam's?
LS: Oh, you got some?? You didn't tell me you got it for me. That's great, because I just used up the last.
WH: Well, you asked me to get it. It was laying right there by the rose. (on the back porch)
LS: Oh, well, I'll get it later. Honey, can you please, please, please do me a favor?
WH: (looking around anxiously for a direction from which he can escape the CROSS) What.
LS: Can you lug the paper recycling bin out to the curb? It's way to heavy for me.
WH: Sure.

WH goes in to get the bin, and he's in there a little long, so I go in to see what he's up to. I didn't want him to catch a glimpse of the computer...MB was up. Instead, he is giving hugs to both boys. He is reassuring DS11 that "we" love him and that he just needs to try his best. He doesn't have to be perfect. He hugs him for quite some time, and DS11 is distraught...not crying, but out of sorts. WH tells him he loves him and tells him to go up and get his pajamas on. WH and I go out with recycling bins; as we walk I tell him that I'd like to talk to him a minute about DS11.

So we go back in and stand by the back door.
LS: He's struggling and having a hard time. What do you think about that?
WH: Well, he's bound to, he's in 6th grade and is going to start puberty soon...there will be adjustments, yada yada (not surprisingly, he takes NO responsibility for any role that HE might play, or that he should spend more time with him, etc. Clearly, he's not getting it, so I'm not even going to push that or go there...it would be an LB)
LS: Well, you know that I only want the best for you. And for the boys, and for me. And I really feel like the best thing--for all of us--is for us to be together as a family.
WH: I know you do. But if that's not going to happen...
LS: I know marriages can recover from this and be much happier and fulfilling then they were before. I would love the chance to really show you how much I have changed as a result of all this.
WH: (closes his eyes) I just don't want you to set yourself up.
LS: I'm not. I'm just being me. I'm just doing what I need to do, what I want to do. I'm just here, right here. (look into his eyes and smile)
I go to give him a hug and he pulls back, but I push it and give him a REAL hug. He tries to do the one-armed half-body hug, but I take his other arm and put it behind me. I kiss him on the neck and whisper thank you for taking the boys and showing them a good time. C-LY-B.
And he leaves.

But it doesn't end there. I go in to check on DS11 and his unfinished speech, and it turns out he left the rubric at the ILs. Darn. (I swear I didn't coach him on this.) So I call WH on his cell and tell him he needs to bring that rubric over so DS11 knows what he's doing. Big sigh...okay, he'll bring it. (mind you, this is all cutting into time with RT on her night off)

Couple minutes later he pulls in, and I go outside with his mail. He hands me the rubric along with the cat food.
LS: Oh, thank you! The cats will be so happy. Here's your mail. (without pausing) You know what made the most change in me?
WH: (absently) What? (he's flipping through his mail and not looking at me, so I just wait...pause...until he makes eye contact)
LS: Getting to a place of forgiving you.
WH: Really. (sort of disinterested)
LS: Yes. (I touch his hand) I want to work on our marriage. (I start to walk away so as not to imply that I was going to push this any more tonight)
WH: (heading toward the car) I get that, but....
And he leaves it at that, gets in and as he backs out, I give him a big smile and a wave. He waves back, with that same nodding, close-lipped grin/grimace that I've seen him give strangers a million times.

So...I hope I didn't make any bad moves since this was a flier and I haven't had Steve's input yet, but it was heart-felt and honest. I really wanted to put something out there since I never know when I will see him, how much time we will have, or what his mood will be. Tonight he was fairly "normal" and made the initial move to at least speak to me about the homework. He was not that cold-hearted a$$ that he can be.

Tomorrow I have to do something a little more risque...so he can see the fun, flirty, sexy wife that he ALREADY has.

Reactions? Suggestions? No response yet about a phone call with the Harleys.

LG: make it Old Dutch chips and a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll and you are on.

Good job... very good job. You did MUCH better than 99% of the people I've known here. Most would have been tempted to scream at him 'WAKE UP, YOUR SON IS HURTING BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID CHOICES!!!!!". But you refrained. That was good.

Your husband is noticing some problems. If you blamed him, WH would get defensive and spew all the babble about kids being tough, the affair and his absence having nothing to do with it, blah, blah, blah.

hahahaha

he nearly had to say

"wife, stop being so good to me and for GAWDS sake stop being so attractive ... you aren't making it easy for me to to break up my family"

SIS ... seriously

you did GREAT

Pep

I am so proud, even if you do come from a place with party stores instead of 7/11's, lol.

That was awesome, now just make sure the next few interactions are really light and fluffy, flirty, sexy, fun, no R talk. You will keep him off balance.

The next thing to try, IMO, is have your BF and her FWH babysit for you for a little while one of the nights you have the kids so you can 'drop by' your IL's house.

If she is not there, breeze in and flirt a bit, do whatever you used as your reason for going, then breeze off again 'to finish your errands and stuff' (which will make him crazy wondering what "and stuff" means), with a nice tight hug and kiss on your way out.

BTW, BOLO for kissing opportunities with him sitting down. If you can score his lips that way, you will shock him terribly!

Anyhoo, if she is there, DO NOT GO IN!!!!!!!!! Call him and leave a message letting him know you just stopped by for whatever you just stopped by for, but left since you saw he was already occupied. Don't sound happy, but don't reveal the full devastation, either. Maybe a slight catch to your otherwise steady voice. Tell him you will see him tomorrow, and omit your C-LU-Bye.

In my experience, the A life and real life is very much like 2 parallel universes, which, when they intersect, are in danger of ending life on all planets.

AJ was driven (more) insane whenever his A-world crossed paths with me, as in the infamous hotel episodes, or when I showed up unexpectedly just before her so he would have to cancel her really quick, etc. Nothing will bring home to your WH the dark side of a secret life better than having the universes occasionally touch.

Leaving notes around, maybe on his bedside stand, or in the bathroom, is another. Of course you don't want to be naughty where the kids might see it, but ILY and I want our M to succeed would not blind little eyes, and would make OW blow a gasket if she ever saw any of them. Keep up the peridic notes on the windshield, too. Sooner or later she will see one.

You are doing great!!!!!!!

Beautiful job tonight.

"Tomorrow I have to do something a little more risque...so he can see the fun, flirty, sexy wife that he ALREADY has."

I would re think this.... get advice from some here. I sense you H is overwhelmed. I don't want anything to backfire.

Great job.

To clarify, by universes touching, I only mean creating opportunities where he has to think of her and you at the same time instead of compartmentalizing. I do not mean that you and her should ever cross paths.

Neak: I--and my attorney--totally agree. Last time the two universes collided, I ended up in the pokey. But I get your point about disabling his compartmentalization.

MEDC: Point taken...I wasn't necessarily thinking of something over the top (aka ATOM BOMB), just something to emphasize the fun, light, flirty side...no R talk...just like what Neak said. Lighten things up for a couple of days.

Your emotional strength is AMAZING.

You were able to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH, making ALL the important points to him.



I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!! THIS SHOULD GO DOWN IN MB HISTORY!! ASSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!

And this:



He's gotten his answer as to what you are doing...IT HAS REGISTERED..MISSION ACCOMPLISHED...



You can't call them directly to make an appt.?

I agree with dropping by the ILs...not tomorrow..he'll still be on his high.

It might even be a good idea to go over when he has the kids, having to stay late once they go to bed.

Be sensitive to his need to keep his interactions with you a secret from her..whatever that might entail..he will then be less anxious about being with you...

As crazy as it is, he does not want to CHEAT on her. That's why he's TRYING to tune you out.

I don't think it's necessarily a good idea for her to know that you are making your moves right now. In the ART OF WAR, you don't want the ENEMY to be aware of your maneuvers.

LilSis,
I come to this forum throughout the day mainly to see your progress. I cannot wait until you can change the title of your thread to something like "He is back". And I really do believe he will be. It might take until you do some Plan B-ing, but I really believe it's gonna happen.

Keep up the good work. You should teach a class in Plan A...that's for sure.

My sense is that this is the correct strategy in the case of RT. She should win an Oscar...she played me for two years, pretending to be my friend and milking me for info, all the while $crewing my husband. I was always uncomfortable with the weird dynamic between the two of them, but she was so "open" with me that I almost felt guilty for thinking it of her. (excuse me while I BARF)

Anyway, I'm certain she could play the same game with WH, who is SOOO much more vulnerable to her tricks and evil ways. If she knew about what was going on, she would play him and manipulate him to do her bidding and HE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW IT. She is NOT the type to do a full-on LB. She's much too wily for that.

The title of my thread says it all about RT...

Its great to see such strength in you and I hope all of us can find it in ourselves....

I think your in for a long haul with this OW, but I think you have the right plan and the right mind set to win, if its winnable. I think at the end of this whole process you will have a much better marriage or you will be so much better as a person that the loss of the marriage will be offset by the increase in your own self worth and you will move forward, not on, and be 1000000000 x better that the OW.

Lil Sis...I've been following your thread. You are doing great...getting wonderful advice and using it effectively! YOU GO GIRL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Your plan A is stellar and working wonderfully....look at the progress you've made. Jail>>>>roses!

EXACTLY the situation w/ my OW. You know her. Use what you know about her. Play up her weakness...indirectly of course.

Back off a day or two let him wonder what you are up to. Answer his call w/ a smile. Let honest emotion show through w/ a catch in your voice. Its funny. WS think everyone is doing what they are doing. Next time he comes to pick up the kids if you leave the same time looking and smelling wonderful. It will drive him nuts.

Have you read CarolK's thread? You remind me of that stellar plan A!

Thanks ChaCha and VR. I'll look for CarolK's thread.

Everyone: I'm going to give MIL a call today. I was thinking of asking her to "check in" with WH, just to see how he's doing. They talk regularly enought, so it wouldn't be unusual. Usually their talks get around to the "situation."

What do you all think if she were to ask him, "What would it take for you to choose to work on your marriage?" and NOT let him off with a "There's nothing that would make me want to work on my marriage. It's over." Well, at least press him on the issue.

Reactions?

EXACTLY!! It's SOOO important not to let her on to what you are doing....

AND be careful about the 180 approach with a WH such as yours...IMO, now is not the time for him to be thinking that you may be out and about with someone else...Your ATTRACTION to him is that you are the mother of his kids..keeping the home fires burning..if you add the SEXY, FUN STUFF you're ALMOST PERFECT...

The thing is, he sounds so much like my H and Steve warned me NOT TO DO THE 180s...

I would listen very, very closely to LG'S ADVICE..He seems to be following our H's scripts...Sometimes I think LG is my H..just kidding but you know what I mean...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LOL
i was more like..."wake up you stupid [censored]...can't you see what you are doing to me AND your children!?"

Lilsis,
you did GREAT. I was very impressed and so glad you put it out there like that.
perfect.