I agree with this completely. I am focusing on myself, changes I am making in myself, and demonstrating those changes to my WH. I think I've said before that I try to pretend that RT does not exisit; she's a sham; she's a distraction from what I need to focus on and what I am able to control: ME. Her only useful purpose for me is to consider what she likely did to ATTRACT WH, and learn from that. I need to remain consistently on the offensive, not go on the defensive.

Besides, thinking about her, and especially her with my WH, hurts.

Believe it or not, I actually say DUMB things EVERY NOW AND THEN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



I agree with you 110%....

Let's forget I said that CRAP about her NEWNESS...

Let's only talk about YOUR NEWNESS from now on...

Very good coaching session with Steve, Sis. I'm happy to know he's addressed Plan A's timeline. One less thing to worry about.

Steve knows the affair dynamic and behaviors very well (30+ years of the Harley's studying it). A content expert.

Knowing the affair is going to end, he seemed most interested in your energy in continuation of a successful Plan A. So keep yourself positive and we'll help.

What pampering thing are you doing just for YOU today?

Jo

Oops...missed this one.

I wish I knew. Now I see clearly that she was so FAKE with me...so Oscar-worthy...so shallow. To the contrary, I feel like I DON'T know her at all. I know that while they were keeping the A a secret, she and WH would go biking together...sometimes they'd shoot baskets...that was the kind of thing that I felt so uncomfortable with and told him so. Also, she was very flirty, funny, and would joke around with him. The former, I can't do so well...although I can try, I'm NOT athletic and she is...the later, I can do and believe am demonstrating.

But this issue is one that I am concerned about...namely, what was RT like IN PRIVATE...I have NO idea. She showed no DEPTH around me, but there must have been some vulnerability that drew WH to her...so unhappy in her marriage, so confined by her religion, etc. (Boo f-ing hoo, I say.)

I think I mentioned this concern before...they have had almost three years to develop the same kind of "history" that WH and I had...only ours is longer (and is not flagrantly WRONG). On the flip side, theirs is more intense (addiction). Maybe he's even forgotten/rewritten our history so that he doesn't really remember US that well; it's so overshadowed by RT.

Again, I can only do what I can do, be who I am...and it doesn't serve me well to dwell on this too much. I am clearly willing to stretch my comfort zone...but I can't know everything about what it is that drew WH to RT beyond what I've stated above. LG, any ideas?? I'm doing a fair job of showering him with admiration and affection, I'm looking good and being fun and flirty, I'm keeping the house looking and smelling nice, baking him his favorites, reminding him of our happy past...This is all ME. I don't know her "true" self well enought to hypothesize....this is probably a good thing because her "true" self is rotten to the core.

Whew! Glad I came back with this one, mimi...because I didn't see your second post until after I submitted! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As far as pampering myself, I had a second cup of coffee and spent 1.5 hours on the phone with my sister and then my mom (although that second one turned out not to be so pampering...she is SO negative and she doesn't even know what I'm doing re: attempting recovery...she is "contemptuous" of WH..she'd freak) I am cleaning my kitchen, which actually feels so good. Nothing like scrubbing something clean to make everything feel more comfortable (is that weird?). But that will be it...tonight the boys are having a friend sleep over which means they will be occupied and I can order them a pizza and sort of take it easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here we go with the parallels again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had to stop talking to my mother about my H and the A..even at the suggestion of my IC..she was so negative...it brought me down each time I did..Their relationship remains strained.

I got into the CLEANING FLOW, too. My house was SOOO SPOTLESS and WELL-DECORATED that the very first couple that looked at it on the very first day that I put it on the market made an offer. It did FEEL GOOD to CLEAN!!

It is your mom's job to be protective of you... if your H has a relationship with them... it wouldn't hurt to allow them to also hold a mirror to his face... heck... two in laws, your parents, SH, the kids and you... the sluTTT doesn't stand a chance!

I was talking about how her mother was making her feel.

My mother's attitude took away my motivation to do Plan A and got me more depressed.

Also depends upon her H's relationship with his MIL. My mother's interactions with my H drove him to seek consolation with the OW.."That family is bad..glad to get away from them"...

His interaction with his own mother is certainly not comparable to his interaction with her mother, I don't think.

You're sensing my strong feelings about this.

Mimi...who does not have good feelings about her own MIL....

LilSis:

You have already showed more depth on this thread and exposed OW obvious shallowness.

President Who?

My OW couldn't hold a candle to my W's depth and knowledge.

Yes, she was suitable, and IF I had met her before W, I could have done OK with OW. But OW would have never given me the time of day at that stage of my life.

I even told her that.

So, you say you are not athletic? And RT is? How much basketball, rowing, biking, etc. do you think they have done in the past 8 months? 16 Months?

Not much. So you are not fighting that anymore.

But you could address these needs with him. Maybe not biking, or basketball, but other Recreational Companionship things. By an ATV "for the boys" and go ride it. Would H find that fun? Used ones can be cheap... And H may help keep it running for the "Boys"

I know it is cold in the mitten now, but you could go ice skating and other things.

Keep working it!

LG

Mimi:

I think is was how her sister was making her feel. Not Mom.

Her sister didn't get what LilSis was trying to accomplish. Typical non-MB principle reaction.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Mimi.. I just want to let you know.. I was replying to Lilsis's mothers reaction adn suggesting that she engage their help if their was a good relationship prior to this.

My mom and WH got along wonderfully...she "loved" him and was so grateful for how much he was "there" when my dad was ill and eventually died. She doted on him...he was her best son in law.

However, my mom tends to be...militant?...for lack of a better word. Once she has an opinion, her opinion is unquestioned, she cannot be swayed, there's no gray. You are either right or wrong, black or white, good or bad, with her or against her. WH is VERY aware of this, so I don't think that she would bring a lot of credibility. I'm certain there is no question in his mind about where he stands in her eyes. As with mimi, it would drive him to RT.

Now...my sisters would be a different story, but I don't really want to drag them into this. They've been through enough with me, and I don't know if the payoff would be worth the emotional effort on their part. They are also quite disdainful of WH.

If only my dad were here....WH admired and respected him tremendously. He would have been VERY hard to face. Yet ANOTHER reason to miss my dad.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yes, mom is NOT supportive...she said to me today something about how I had to preapare myself for when something bad happens...like what if my car breaks down. It might just send me spinning out of control! Then she began to fixate on my sentencing, which is on Thursday. My attitude is, "what can I do about it? nothing, so put it out of my mind." She wanted to discuss all the potential negative outcomes and how I will be so stressed by this. She asked if I wanted her to come to be with me on Thursday, and I said I would like that, only if she could please be POSITIVE and OPTIMISTIC. I do not need negativity, thank you. She just said, "Okaaaay...." She totally didn't get it. A couple of times I just held the phone away from my ear so I couldn't hear all of her pessimistic remarks. Why does she insist on doing that to me??

Gee, thanks for all your great support, mom.

"on the phone with my sister and then my mom (although that second one turned out not to be so pampering...she is SO negative and she doesn't even know what I'm doing re: attempting recovery...she is "contemptuous" of WH..she'd freak)"

Sounds like it was mom and not Sis.

Yep, it was mom. Sis is having some personal difficulty, and was very, very supportive of me early...babysitting me, etc. But I cannot ask any more of her now. She is tapped out emotionally dealing with her own problems. Plus, she is now living with my mom...so she's got a double whammy, constantly barraged by the negative influences. She and I talk about mom ALL THE TIME...we both experience mom the same way. I really enjoyed talking to my sister, trying to support her, but I am worried about her...

"Gee, thanks for all your great support, mom."

She's supporting you in her own way. If someone did this to my child... there would be ****** to pay. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be there for your efforts... just that NO ONE messes with the family. Some things are black and white too. She's just afraid that you are setting yourself up for a big fall... and let's be honest... I think you will succeed and get your H back... but just as often as not... these things turn out badly. Let mom be a mom.

I get that, and I would never deny her the opportunity to be there for ME. But I frequently feel (as does my sister) that she "hijacks" our problems and instead of supporting us in dealing with things in our own ways, she becomes insistent that we solve problems the way the SHE sees is the correct solution. When we do not do as she suggests, or wish to choose to live our own lives, she makes it about HER, i.e.; "Well, I don't know why you won't listen to me." And like today, her slightly sarcastic, "Okaaaay...." (her tone making me think she was really saying, "you idiot."). She is simply not accepting of us as individuals with needs, priorities, opinions and desires that may differ from hers.

I'm sure this goes WAAAAY back for me emotionally...and my IC and I have talked about it some....and will continue to.

So....do you see where Miss Perfect got her start?? I sure do....I better do things JUST SO or face the scorn or disapproval of my mother. (this makes her sound like a monster, I know...she's not and I love her, but it can be VERY hard sometimes...)

This will get me way off topic from your thread, Sis...

I'll just say this to you, MEDC. Try to be understanding of the FACT that not all of us have parents like you.

Some parents are TOXIC and even EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE to their adult children which is an added stressor to BSes. That's what was true FOR ME..not necessarily Sis...My IC, a wonderful, helpful therapist, told me to STOP LOOKING TO MY MOTHER FOR COMFORT BECAUSE I WAS NOT GOING TO GET IT FROM HER. It was an additional BETRAYAL that I had to work through... It was so true and a valuable lesson for me to learn in order to prevent continued pain in the midst of my pain.

Onward with Sis' Plan A.

My parents pleaded with me to leave my WW.

Sorry to hear that about your parents. I really was addressing Sis's. You have been giving her great advice Mimi.... keep it up.

BTW...yes, we have not all had parents like mine (my mom anyway) and thank the Lord for that.

I exposed myself to my mom after my EA was over- she told me that my BH had every right to be mad at me and that I needed to beg for forgiveness and talk to my spiritual leader at church and that she loved me and how could she help?

I love my mom.

LilSis, I follow your sitch like a soap opera (not to belittle your sitch, it's just that addicting) and am hoping for your WH to become FWH and pull his head out of his behind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You really are a plan A wonderwoman even in a not perfect situation. My prayers are with you!!!