THANKS, MEDC!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis, I think it's soo interesting that we struggle with the same issues..the PERFECTIONISM...and this has likely affected our marriages...

"She is simply not accepting of us as individuals with needs, priorities, opinions and desires that may differ from hers."

THIS SO DESCRIBES MY MOTHER.

I have resolved that she will NEVER be any different...

The problem with MY MOTHER is that it ALWAYS becomes so ABOUT HER..

So..I UNDERSTAND..sounds like you are handling your mother much better than I did...

((((Sis))))

Yep... I see her twice a year. She lives an hour from me... but that is all I can take since my dad died. Before that I was there weekly.
My mom was the type of "woman" that would have said.. what did you do to make her have an affair. Of course, she was always a WS herself... even to the point where I walked in on her giving OS to a family friend.
Lovely woman she is.
Ladies, count your blessings... trust me, it could be worse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

actually, MEDC..

I've come to find out that my M is moreso like yours..it was hard for me to acknowledge and accept...

Turns out her present H was married when they became involved..get the picture? She REALLY is such a HYPOCRITE... but still trying to tell me what to do....trying to get me to date other men...YUCK..

I've really moved on from this and I am so GLAD...

I accept her for who she is and THAT IS THAT..don't expect or want anything more..THANKFUL THAT I AM WHO I AM....

Wow. Now I feel like a whimp for complaining about my mom. She really is very kind and incredibly generous. If I want to go shopping or do something with the kids, she's right there. But for emotional support or understanding, I've just learned to count on other people. I just love her for who she is and try not to let her make me feel like a failure. (that's when holding the phone away from my ear works)

So here's my BIG SECRET, folks:

This is MY ISSUE in IC. Feeling unworthy, unlovable, not quite up to some standard, not this, not that...never good enough. I'm sure now that had a lot to do with my relationship with my mom...she wasn't physically affectionate and didn't really seem to be interested in my emotions or feelings. If she didn't see something as important, then it shouldn't be important to me, either. My problems were just inconsequential. If I displeased her, I felt I wouldn't be loved. It wasn't intentional, it just the way she IS. The A just validated that for me in the biggest possible way. It just about destroyed me. WH's betrayal wounded me right where I was the most vulnerable, my deepest fear. The person who CHOSE me even thought I wasn't good enough or worthy of love. Ugh.

Now I'm learning to love myself, even though I'm a criminal who's husband left her. All that artifice...out the window...no faking perfectionism now! But guess what? DISPITE all that, people still love me and value me!! Wow, it's incredible. So I guess I am worthy! I must be lovable! Even though I'm a total screw up and my life's a mess. I think I like myself for the first time. And I'm D*MN PROUD of myself, too, for surviving. Never felt that before, either.

End of confession. I'll take my penance now.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WH just called and asked to speak to DS11. He was very short with me on the phone; clearly not wishing to engage with me. He spoke with DS11 for about two minutes, asking how his speech went today. As I'm lurking around the corner eavesdropping, I heard DS11 ask, "Do you want to talk to DS8?" (DS8 was sitting right there) Then I hear DS11 say, "Okay, thanks for calling, bye." I peeked in; DS8 is walking towards his brother anticipating the phone.

(sounds of my heart breaking)

"Didn't he want to talk to me?" asks DS8. "No, was busy on a call," answers DS11. When I walked in the room to retrieve the phone, DS8 said to me, "Dad couldn't talk to me because he was on a call." He said this very matter-of-factly...but the fact that he would say anything at all tells me something.

So, about five minutes later I called WH and said cheerfully, "I guess DS8 wanted to talk to you." He says, "Oh, okay, I'm done with my police business so that's fine." ("police business" ??? please) So I bring the phone to DS8 and I can hear WH going on about how he had to work and couldn't talk to him...etc. Hopefully DS8 bought it. I tried MIL, but no answer....so tonight we will definately have to plan a strategy to address this. At least I was able to salvage this one.

Another affair-wedge opportunity!!!

In addition to you MIL bringing up the DS11 sadness and issues, I would FIRST have her bring up your SENTENCING!
OMG! This is RIPE!

She should ask him if he's going to be there, since this was all his fault you're in this situation to begin with.
She should ask him if he's doing anything to support you.
She should ask him if he or RT have been questioned or asked about the sentencing.
She should further plant the idea that RT revoked your deal.

There's probably more.....

OK! OK! OK!

MIMI! YOU ARE MY WIFE!

REVEAL ALL TO ME NOW!

But seriously, my IRL W, Mimi, and LilSis are experiencing the same issues at varying levels with thier mothers.

But, LilSIs, Can you use this as a hook for your mother?

My mom and WH got along wonderfully...she "loved" him and was so grateful for how much he was "there" when my dad was ill and eventually died. She doted on him...he was her best son in law.

Can you in anyway shape or form make her understand, that H is still available? That he was there during that time, for her, you and your Dad. But that he has lost his way and you need your Mom's support to bring him home?

Tough call I know. Your Mom has MADE UP HER MIND. I understand.

And get DS to spend more time with H.

Would MIL call up RT and call her a home wrecking wh*re who will never be welcome in her family EVER? That might stir up some problems in paradise. RT might expect your WH to stand up for her against MIL, and if he hesitates, she might LB him. In fact, the more family members that called RT a wh*re the better. ******, email me her number, and I'll call her a wh*re. I could probably find a friend or two that would be willing to do it as well. We'll wh*re bomb her.

In fact, the more family members that called RT a wh*re the better. ******, email me her number, and I'll call her a wh*re. I could probably find a friend or two that would be willing to do it as well. We'll wh*re bomb her.


The funniest thing I have seen all day. Maybe all year.

LilSis,

I haven't added to this thread, mainly because I haven't had anything to say that others haven't already said.

Two things:

1. Absolutely great job. The armor is cracking.

2. My FWH said to me last night - that he was looking forward to the rest of our lives together, because what this whole A has revealed to him was the fact that he THOUGHT he knew me and it turns out he didn't. He said that he learned that he had sort of put things about me in a box, and more or less labeled it as who I was, and stopped really looking at who I was. That he didn't give me any room for changing, and that the whole time he was looking for something "new and different" - well, there I was, changing right before his eyes, all along. I already was "new and different", and he wasn't taking the time to see me at all. He wasn't even looking in my direction.

I have often told him that if he had taken half the time he spent seducing the OW and spent it talking to me, the A never would have happened. Last night, he finally understood that point - and he expressed it in his own words.

I guess my advice is that if he is looking for "new and different", you have to brazenly shake it in his face. Do something that is YOU, but something he has never seen you do before. Take up bowling, tennis, something you like or have always wanted to try - and then have him watch the kids while you do it.


BTW, in my way, I pray for you. I'm not Catholic, but I think it still counts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SB

it is funny. very funny.
i know it is wrong but just imagine if she started to get calls from all over the country....****** bombing her. LOL

LMAO at "wh*re bomb" Jim!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to add to that idea about MIL calling RT...Just recently, actually at the beginning of December, I learned that my mom was the reason that OM dropped me like a hot rock (Thank God!)...At the time, I was stupified and in WS mindset and had no clue what had happened...In our situation, it clearly did the trick-OM, (my old HS/College BF) literally called it quits the NEXT day...Of course, my mom, bless her heart, all 5'3" of her, threatened OM beyond anything I would have dreamed possible...She told me much of what she said and it was GREAT, and actually much of it pretty funny-like she told him that Mr. W's family was part of the Greek Mafia...hahahaha...Mr. W actually IS Greek, but by no means is his family connected to the mafia!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> There was much more, but suffice it to say, DAT BOY WAS A'SKERT'A HER!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> When he tried to "code" it to me in email by saying "I'm sure your MOM will be happy", it did cause me to pause...I even questioned my mom at the time...she denied any involvement and actually called him up the next day with more threats-My mom is a PISTOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> When I think of my mom, I am so grateful to her for what she did to save our family...She is a lady that truly has the courage of her convictions...Sounds like your MIL is the same way...What a blessing that is to a family...What a legacy...

LilSis...not sure how this would work in your situation, as RT would DEFINITELY go straight to your husband with the info if his mom called her, but I'm SURE that it would cause great chaos in the affair, which we all know is GOOD...He would be mad at his mom, but he would certainly get over it!!!

Anyway, just thought I'd share...I'll leave it to your chief advisors...

You are doing GREAT...I wish you lived closer to us in Michigan, you are someone I would LOVE to call friend...It is that obvious in your posts...You Rock Girlfriend!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Wouldn't put it past RT to call the police on Sis' MIL and file an anti-harrasment order on her. This OW has elephant balls and no conscience, obviously.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But hey, include me in the sharing of RT's phone number. I'd be tickled to join in the HO calling.

wh*re-bombing: v., to repeatedly and relentlessly verbally assault a home-wrecking, no good, low down HO via telephone calls from strangers. To be used in the war against the evil of A.

Another verb is created! To be added to curb-kicking, porceline-shrine-worshiping, and another that escapes me at the moment.

Seriously, I'd love feedback on the idea of MIL calling RT. She is much more soft-spoken (she was a perfectly stereotypical first-grade teacher if that gives you an idea) than it sounds like Mrs. W's mom is. I wouldn't call her a pistol. (my mom, on the other hand... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Okay, this is going to make me gag, but....I wonder if appealing to her "mothering" instinct...if MIL told her she was calling "mother to mother." Such as:

"RT, I am convinced that this relationship with you is putting my son on a path to self-destruction. I would like to appeal to you, as a mother, to end this illegitimate, adulterous relationship with WH. WH is no longer the man that his father and I raised, and he has sacrificed his morals and values to pursue this relationship with you. Because of you, WH has betrayed his values, his reputation, his relationship with everyone in his family, his wife, his children, and his relationship with God.

Not only am I concerned about WH's well-being, but I am horrified at the effect that this is having on DS11 and DS8. They have lost their dad. He is no longer a true part of their lives. They miss him terribly. WH is not there for the homework, the bedtime stories, the ups and downs of life for which little boys need their dad. A divorce will become for those boys the DEFINING EVENT in their childhood...maybe in their lives. They do not deserve to be sacrificed on the altar of your adultery.

And what lesson is this teaching the boys about marriage, commitment, honesty? What is it teaching them about relationships between men and women? It is obscene, and the thought of the boys eventually being exposed to your adulterous relationship makes me physically ill. I also fear for your children and, as a mother, I cannot COMPREHEND how you can put your own innocent children through this.

As a mother and a grandmother, my heart is absolutely breaking for the destruction that your adultery has caused. If WH continues this relationship with you, he will have sacrificed EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that ever meant anything to him. If you TRULY cared for him, you would end it now."

In her own words, of course....

Discuss amongst yourselves...

I prefer, "You're a home-wrecking wh*re," personally.

Trying to preach to RT will do no good. She needs to know that she is the enemy, will never be welcomed, and stir up some friction between MIL, RT, and WH.

I LOVE the idea of his mom calling RT!!

I think the phone call should include her telling RT that she will NEVER EVER be accepted into her family!

Mrs. W, how lucky you are to have such a loving mother! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

LilSis...There really can be no appealing to a mother that is in WS mode...will honestly mean NOTHING to her-and remember I say this as one who walked that very damning path-so regretably...Imagine a mother who is a crack addict, you'll have an accurate picture...

The only way that I can see any of this mother calling stuff would work is to put pressure on the affair and cause the infidels to lovebust each other...Or in our case, where the threat was VERY REAL to the OP...

Actually, my mom is what you would think of as "A True Southern Lady"...A "Steel Magnolia" sounds about right...She is soft and sweet as all get out, but make her mad, and LOOK OUT!!! My mom was SHAKING when she called OM she was so mad...And her main focus was our DD7-her only granddaughter...and she wasn't havin' any of this immoral choice of mine affecting her...NO WAY...The "Grandmother Hen" in her came out!!! She's actually a real peach my mom! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

First of all, I'd LOVE to have the OPTION of calling her...

My own GFs wanted me to call them if the OW showed up on my doorstep so that we could all whip her TOGETHER...

But seriously, nothing good can come from contacting RT...

THE ART OF WAR..go quietly in the dark..don't let her get a whiff of ANY OF YOUR PLANNING and she might "smell a RAT" (that's funny)..

Plus, at your H's stage, any of this will produce sympathy for HER and most likely, unfortunately, he will cease contact with his M....THE NATURE OF A WS.....

Remember, he wants ANY EXCUSE that he can think up to CRANK UP THE SUPPLY and she wants ANY EXCUSE she can to dole it out to give the DRUG OUT....

You can just see and hear her, can't you, Sis...playing the POOR ME role.."Oh poor me..even your mother is after me...I'm in so much danger..protect me old wonderful police guy of mine"....YUCK!!!

Me, too...but that's just NOT MIL's style, and she has to speak her truth, too. Simply calling her would be a big stretch.

You are right...I was getting carried away with my own ideas about what I would LOVE to say to RT, that low down, no good, home-wrecking HO....in the kindest way possible.

So how's this: "RT, I am calling to ask you to end this aduterous, destructive relationship with my son. I want to be very clear that if it continues, you will NEVER have a place in our home or in our family. You will NEVER be accepted. Your relationship is an abomination and is destroying my son, his family, his children's well-being, and WH's relationships with everyone who knows him as a moral, upstanding, honest man. You are responsible for that destruction, and you should be ashamed. If you truly care for WH, you will end your adultery immediately and allow WH to pick up the pieces of his life."

Of course, this should all wait until after my sentencing on Thursday...wouldn't want RT to retaliate...

We were posting at the same time again....

PLEASE DON'T HAVE YOUR MIL TO CALL HER!!!

It would work against your PLAN, IMO...