Just checking out in_pain's thread and feel badly for even posting. She's in a bad spot again.

But...I'm having a bad day again for some reason. The office is closed for MLK and the boys have a snow day. I ended up crying in the shower (where the boys can't hear me), asking God to give me strength, to give me another sign that I am doing the right thing. The boys were watching TV, so I retreated to my bedroom to read the Bible and try to get centered. WH is off today and I called about 10 to ask if he wanted to make some plans since the boys were off. He called back about 45 minutes later and said that he'd take the boys...sort of an "I guess I'll take them if you want me to" sounding offer. Not quite as enthusiatic as a mom would hope.

He then asked me to "not expose the boys to my overtures." By that he meant that the boys were in the car when I dropped of the picture/poem the other day (they didn't know what I was dropping off, however), and that when we dropped of the food last night, the boys had written him a note. I told WH that DS11 wrote the note of his own accord when we realized he wasn't home. Nevertheless, WH said that even though it is good for them to see we "get along," it would "confuse" them. Okaay...and you abandoning them, moving into their grandparent's home, only seeing them a few times a week, and taking up with a married woman, "joey's" mom--THAT'S not confusing??? It's like a kick in the gut.

He then went on to talk a bit about 24 which he watched last night as well, and told me I should get an HD antenna for the new TV. I told him I knew nothing about that, and asked how much they cost. He told me $50-$75 (which would not be an issue except I don't really care about HD at this point, didn't tell him that). I told him that I am going to have to purchase a new operating system for the computer so that I can upgrade the version of iTunes in order to download songs for the boy's ipods, and that would be a higher priority for me right now. I solemnly told him that it's must one more thing....

I asked if he would like to do something today, the four of us and he kind of laughed and said no (what a joke, huh?). Later in the conversation I asked if he wanted to come over and watch tonight's 24 with me and he said no thanks.

I KNOW about the garden, letting the seeds grow, I KNOW that I need patience, I KNOW all of it you guys! It still hurts, dammit!!! I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, with tears in my eyes and just felt like such a chump. Why am I crying over this WH...this selfish, selfish, cruel, rude, insincere, lying, cheat? This man who defends his adulterous lover for having me tossed in jail...for WHAT??? For "hurting" her?? HOW??? Do I mean SO little to him that he felt I DESERVED to be locked up and turned into a criminal--after what THEY did to ME?

I don't even know if there's an H left. DS11 told me last night that kids are supposed to repsect their parents, and he doesn't respect his father. I asked him why and he said, "He's hurt you so much, and what he's doing is so wrong."

How do I know that ther's any H left worth shining a light for? Is faith and hope enough to keep it going? I feel like you all here are the only consistent support that I have...I can't call MIL morning and night. I just with I had some clue that the ice was melting.

Sorry for the downer this morning.

Sistah.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

gooooood morrrrning

have you read/understood some of the posts about

"reverse babble"

???

WH: it (whatever part of Plan A is is griping about) confuses the kids

Reverse Babble: Adultery is so distressing to everyone. Especially to kids.

you need to PRACTICE in the mirror

have a handful or more "stock RB responses" in your toolkit

for when WH catches you off guard

can you come up with some?

Pep

Hello LS! I am a very new poster but long time lurker. I have been following your story and I just want to say what a wonderful spirit you have during this fight for your family. I can relate to so many things you share here. I am also a perfectionist and petite too! LOL! What is it about the fighter in a petite person...Napolean complex or just a very tall spirit?

I just wanted to let you know there is another faceless supporter out here cheering you on. And best of luck this Thursday, I think it's this thursday that you are going to court. I pray it is over quickly and you can put it behind you asap.

And about those soup recipes, please share them all! Nothing is quite as comforting as a warm bowl of soup on a dreadful day!

Best of luck!

"Yes , what your Dad is doing is wrong.
We don't respect his choices at this time, but we remember he was not always this lost and confused.
I think we should write this down on a piece of paper and then say as prayer as we burn the paper in the fireplace?

Let's give this to God. it is too big for us to fix on our own."

LilSis - Never feel bad about posting. Folks that post a lot tend not to get deep in trouble. Folks here will pick them up and dust them off, and set them back on the path.

I think I would look into the HD thing. Then you will have an excuse to get WH involved in getting it just right.

Can you borrow a computer for the itunes? I love my Ipod, and it doesn't take long at all to fill it up.

This is the OLD YOU talking today. No one is MORE IMPORTANT or VALUABLE than you. Didn't Pep tell ya yesterday about CRYING OUT HERE for HELP?

To me, ALL of this sounds WONDERFUL and sadly for you, you are seeing it as BAD...



Of course..trying to get you to BACK OFF from your very effective PLAN A...



He's not IN CONTROL of YOU and what you do. The rule is to try not to listen to his WORDS. Keep going forward with your PLAN A and don't back off. He is FOGGY. His mind is GOOEY. You are right. He is clueless regarding the psychological needs of your children. FORGET AND DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAD TO SAY. Keep moving forward with your plan. This is how you will gain his RESPECT. You do what you know is RIGHT. DON'T LISTEN TO HIS BULLCRAP which is aimed at getting you off course. THINK OF KICKING THE OW AND THE AFFAIR BACK IN THE GUT like you FEEL KICKED!!



CONVERSATION NEED..you are meeting. I learned to think of interactions in terms of needs. MY PLAN...meet as many needs as possible regardless of what he would SAY of DO. FOCUS ON YOUR PLAN. HE IS AN ALIEN, IDIOT, FOGGY WH. He is no longer normal sad to say. He looks and sounds like he is NORMAL but HE IS NOT so try not to let him get to you.....



(Mimi groaning). Why? You are such a HEROINE...working to maintain your family...while your H is LOST..You are so NOBLE and ADMIRABLE....



Yes. He is gone now. Will it help to ACCEPT this? That's what helped my mindset...to not EXPECT anything different from him.

You see..what's good is that you are having more contact with him..chance for your PLAN A...but the contact with him makes you REALIZE WHO and WHAT HE HAS BECOME...



So you are PERFECT...and not supposed to be DOWN when your MARRIAGE IS UNDER ATTACK?

I want you to come to us when you are feeling down and you will feel down...FEELING DOWN IS NORMAL FOR YOU....

WE ARE SOLDIERS IN A WAR AGAINST THE FORCES OF EVIL THAT ARE TRYING TO DESTROY YOU, YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR FAMILY....

Yours and your children's "overtures" are basically holding up a mirror where he sees himself as the selfish person he's become. He dislikes what he sees and, of course, it must be someone else's fault that reflection bothers him.

He's not in a place where self introspection is a consideration to him right now, Sis. He's in "TAKER FEEL GOOD ADDICTION" mode and no one will impede that.

I know your angst, and venting and expressing the deep hurt you feel is needed. You have to go through it to get on the other side of it where more strength is waiting.

Jo

Gosh, he is still foggy. He doesn't want to expose your sons to your overtures? - you his wife and their mother?, but it is okay to expose them to the homewrecking soccer Ho?

Would there be anything wrong with letting DS11 write down his feelings about this for his dad?

They are probably so glad to see him that when they are together they don't act like this is bothering them as much as it is.

just a thought.


ps: LilSis, I think you are doing great- hang in there. Lots of people are praying for you.

Hello Lilsis, I too have been a long time lurker, just wanted to say thanks for sharing your rot (as in rotten luck) with me...lol
In fact I think it was your posts that finally got me to get off the pot so to speak, and fire the first cannon shot in my war against my wh's A.

I hate the rollercoaster too... especially the loopty loop parts where your butt is over your head...sounds like that is the kind of day you are having... when a person is on a real roller coaster, the uphill parts are long and scarey, but at least you know there will be a fun downhill part eventually... those dang looptyloops bang up your elbows and flap the blood out of your head, and jerk you all around... hate that part.

Worst part of the A/WS roller coaster is that we have to take the danged ride blindfolded!!! I guess as long as we dont jump the track we will make it back to the platform though huh....

Hope your day gets better, go make some snow angels!
I am going to take ds4 outside to run some of the vinegar off him and begin to dig van out of 6" of snow and 2" of ice.... there has been wayyyyy too much togetherness the past 4 days... REDRUM REDRUM!!!!

Hang in there L'Sis, there really are more that are for you than there are against ya! and thanks again for sharing. SAS.
PS, prayin for you, especially for your court thing... Im kinda thinking you are gonna find some kind of supernatural blessings come out of that deal...keep us posted will ya?

[color:"red"] REDRUM REDRUM!!!! [/color]

LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lil Sis,
I've been a member for over a year and this is my first post. I've been following your story and want to say I understand and relate to your sitch. Your WH sounds a lot like my ex WH. While his OW's drug was in full effect he could not bring himself to accept invitations from me as being sincere. He saw it as me being needy and it made him feel like I was trying to force the family back together by competing with the OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
That's what he told me much later after the M ended. We didn't make it but I am happily married to a wonderful man now.
Just realize for yourself when Plan A has taken its toll on you. Keep going as long as you can but take care of yourself. No matter the outcome you will be a much stronger person for all of this. Your boys will love and appreciate you for giving your all to save your family.


good luck lil Sis! Keep your head up.

(Mimi Whispering)

Help me out here, Pep.

Don't tell anybody...BUT...

I don't know what REDRUM REDRUM!! means...

I want to laugh, too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

read it backwards.

it's from a movie


SB

its from the movie the shinning... caretaker and his family got snowed in a haunted/possesed resort... the son would write and say redrum ... backwards for murder..lol

forgot to mention that they were all suffering from extreme
satanic cabin fever...lol

(Mimi knocking her hand upside her head)

You guys!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SAS...you ARE funny!!

Now I'm LOL at MYSELF!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. When a call goes out for help, you all know how to answer.

Okay, we had a fairly lengthy (for us) interaction when he came to pick the kids up. The boys weren't "quite" ready when he arrived, and I was accidently upstairs when he knocked on the door so he would have to come in. He actually tried calling first, from his cell standing outside the door...too bad I can't hear the phone when I'm in the attic.

I wish I had been in a better place so be more fun and playful, but today was just me, sort of raw. I was not feeling very conversational, if you know what I mean....the verbal acrobatics require energy that I don't have today. So I'll try to recount the series of conversations, not all of which went very well according to MB principles:
WH is standing by the back door: Are the kids ready?
LS: Yup, they're on their way. (pregnant pause...my mind was foggy, too, couldn't think of a topic) I thought maybe you'd shovel for me. (with a smile)
WH: I will, where's the shovel?
LS: (after counting to five as my inner LS screams...you know EXACTLY where the shovels are!!!!) In the garage.
WH heads out to start shoveling. It takes him about half the time it would take me. After a minute of pulling myself together, I go out to help him. We discuss how heavy and wet the snow is.
WH: How your sister?
LS: Not well.
WH: Why, because of her divorce?
LS: (looking him directly in the eye) Yeah, guess what, divorce really sucks.
I can just about hear WH start to say, Yeah, I can imagine, but he says nothing. I am starting to feel my anger build. Bad sign.
LS: And as far as confusing the kids....
WH: Don't go there with me.
LS: (after making a few more passes with the shovel) You missed out because today I'm wearing panties.
WH: How come they used to be underwear?
LS: (smiling) I told you I've changed.
I start to walk back to the house, but I stop and turn back.
LS: You know the other day when you said that you didn't want to hurt me anymore? There's only ONE WAY (hold up a finger) that you can stop hurting me and hurting the boys. And that is to stop commiting adultery. (I didn't scream this, but I didn't say it kindly or lovingly, either. I said it the way I would explain something important to the boys...with conviction.)
I started to walk away again, and then turned back again. Why...I don't know.
LS: I love you, the boys love you, and the only way you can stop hurting us--and yourself--is to stop commiting adultery. If you cared about protecting us from more hurt, that is what you would do, that is the ONLY thing that you can do. (WH continued to shovel during my little diatribe, pausing a few times but keeping on. I just stood there...silence for a minute)
WH: Are the kids ready?
LS: I'll go get them.
I go in and yell for the kids to come down. WH is standing outside the back door looking in, so I wave for him to come in.
LS: (wanting to lighten it up) Yeah, let me show you this...yada yada about the new operating system I need to upgrade to.
DS11 yells down for a sweatshirt that is in the unfolded laundry so I go get that for him, and stop by the back door where WH is waiting. DS8 comes running down, blond hair bouncing (he's got these beautiful curls), and announces with a huge smile, "Is there somebody here who wants to see me?"
WH picks him up and swings him over his head and they have this huge hug that lasts quite a while. My eyes are tearing up. He puts DS8 down and WH and I lock eyes for a moment. He turns away, but I catch his eyes again in the mirror where all the coats hang up and we lock eyes again in the mirror...for longer this time. How can he get that kind of reception from his little boy...feel his love...and STILL chose that skanky HO??
DS11 comes down and they get on coats and mittens. The boys walk outside, and I reach for WH and give him a hug. He does the one-armed variety, but there's some support behind it, and both of my arms are around his back. I just hold him for probably about a minute, and I'm tearing up, choking up. I'm sure he could feel it. I let him go, reach up to give him a kiss (again he does that sigh...like OK, I'll indulge you since you are feeling bad). I give him a soft kiss on the cheek, and hug him again around the shoulders this time. He continues to hold me with one arm.

I know he just thinks I'm weak. I FEEL weak today. Going to get my hair cut...be back later...

You are being an AWFUL JUDGE of YOURSELF today.

I'm whispering this so no one will hear...

I THINK THIS ENTIRE INTERACTION WITH YOUR WH WAS PERFECT....WITH A CAPITAL P...

A MBer's OSCAR PERFORMANCE....

you are wrong

he thinks HE is weak !