Ummmm, Jim...WE WANT TO KEEP THIS AS A SNEAK ATTACK!!

THERE WILL BE FRICTION IN PARADISE DURING PLAN B..as Mrs. Rob so well describes.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

mimi:
Okay, good, that's how I do feel. I'd feel VERY skanky if I were behaving this way with anyone other than my H Or WH, or whoever the he!! he his. (just goes to show how incredibly SKANKY RT is). I had just read on another thread about how a BS was beginning to feel like the OW...and began to wonder about that...

MrsR:
Even though it's not even on the horizon, I am already dreading going to Plan B; realizing how VERY, VERY hard it will be to go dark. I keep looking at mimi's sig...three months seems like an eternity! So your two minute thing is working for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I left the TM early in the afternoon, presumably before RT got off of work. I wonder if her working today means she changed her work day from Wednesday to Tues. because I screwed up their little plan for "alone time" on Wednesdays because of my group that meets on Weds. It's interesting to note that DS11 left WH a VM about 15 minutes ago...WH has DS11's snowboard and he wanted it this afternoon...no call back yet. I'm sure he WAAAAY to busy getting his fix to respond to his son.

I had that talk today with one of the program directors at work about the new position they are creating. It is half-time, so add that to my current time and I guess they are thinking it would amount to full time. The good news is there is some flexibility in hours, particularly in the summer as it involves with some schools. It would not begin until March or April. I shared my concerns about major disruptions in the kids lives, and she understood. I think she REALLY wants me to do this because doing an external search would take a LOT of time and she knows I can do the job and do it well. She's still working on the job description and understands I need some time to think it over, but I pretty much told her that I am very interested. I'll need the income, and it sounds as if there's flexibility with the hours...which would be the major concern with me right now.

....and then there's times like right now, when I'd love to go directly to Plan B because he disgusts me so much.

DS11 called at 4:15 and again @4:35 to ask WH to bring him the snowboard. WH finally calls back at 4:50, doesn't even say hello to me, just, "Can I talk to DS11?" Proceeds to tell DS11 that he'd be over in about an hour to take him snowboarding at the school.

At 6:30 (yes, nearly 45 minutes after he was SUPPOSED to be be here), DS11 calls WH again. "Are you coming, dad?" WH gives some load of crap about how he just wanted to make sure that DS11 got his homework done. Huh? Now he'll be over in 15-20 minutes. 25 minutes later, he pulls in; he's wearing a sweatshirt jacket, no gloves or boots. He REEKS like cigarettes (he doesn't smoke, but he's been somewhere...) DS11 says, where were you? WH says, "Out with a friend. (pause) Mr. XYZ." He's also wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt, which is obviously from RT...who is from Wisconsin and ALWAYS gets WH a souvineir t-shirt when she goes to visit.

TOO BUSY out with "friends" to honor a commitment to his kids. What a crack addict.

So now it's 7:00, they are just heading off to go sledding and it's pitch black. I'm sure that WH will sit in the truck with the heat on while the kids sled in the dark, without him. I could barely conjure up a smile when he came in, but I did ask if he watched 24 last night. As I was digging around for extra mittens, I did give him a look...not a very Plan A-ish look....hopefully he recognizes at some level that ignoring his children is NOT acceptable. Time for another call to MIL. Keep that pressure on.

I can't think of anything that will empty your love bank quicker than knowing your kids are getting ignored for the sake of turdette.

You will know when it is time for PlanB ... when disgust>desire
consistently

hang in there
this is your family you are fighting for

Pep

They just returned from sledding. Apparently the two boys were arguing (welcome to my life). I went out to the garage to watch WH plug the car in because it is going to be really cold for the next few days and plugging it in keeps the engine block warm. (I acted very interested and grateful) He made some comment about how it was messy inside and I asked him if he could please clean it out for me...how I missed how clean he always kept my car.

He said that I would have to take responsibility for that myself now. I watched him plug the car in, and as we were walking away from the car, he was saying he wanted to go because he was cold.
LS: Want me to warm you up? (rubbing his sides briskly)
WH: No, I don't. Knock it off.
LS: Oh, come on. (I reach up and give him a hug around the neck and kiss his cheek and hold my cheek next to his...he still reeks like cigarettes...gross. But...he is holding me with at least one arm...maybe even both...?? can't remember, sorry)
WH: Don't. Come on. Knock it off.
LS: I'm just being me. (nuzzle a little)
WH: I know, but stop doing that in front of DS11. (keep in mind guys that I am only kissing his cheek...totally G rated...especially between MARRIED PEOPLE)
LS: Why not in front of DS11?
WH: It's just not good...it's just.... (I practically see his mind spinning madly to think of a rationalization that doesn't sound TOTALLY ridiculous...he knows he can't say it will "confuse" DS11 because I blew that one out of the water yesterday)
LS: What's "not good" is you....
WH: STOP. Don't even go there. I don't want to hear it.
He gets into the truck and I'm walking towards the house. I sort of jerk my head (like roll down your window), which he does.
LS: C-LY-B with a big smile.
WH: Oh boy. See ya.
Drives off.

So do I interpret it all as the crack addict who just got his fix? So he's just high, being extra YUCKY today? Because little snippits of H showed through yesterday...but today it was all WH, all the time. AND...somehow when I read the above...it sounds better than it felt. Does that make sense? It felt like I was getting so shot down so clearly, so plainly. Somehow when I read it, though, it sounds like I was so sly, so good, and he's all conflicted. But I didn't feel sly or confident (I probably faked it okay, though)...I FELT really uncertain, and he seemed....mean, blowing me off.

Can anyone relate to that feeling? ACTING more certain that you really feel? I need to work on letting the negative, foggy talk roll off...I can fake it when he's right in front of me, but then I go back and over-think it...duh, duh, duh...

I'm just a posting machine today. If you've made it this far, thanks! I am going to call MIL tonight...

EXACTLY. THAT'S IT. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but that's it...I can take being "blown off," but I can't take my boys being "blown off." Thank you for defining that for me.

LilSis,

You are doing VERY well! As Pep says, don't go to Plan B until you are ready, until you feel that you have a small bit of love left, but the bank will run dry with anymore contact...

Thanks, SL. Just being cognizant of Pep's point...about how WH's behavior towards the boys impacts MY love bank...is very helpful as a way to provide a context for my own reactions. If I can get MIL to apply some pressure in a way that actually CHANGES BEHAVIOR, I will be okay. So it is important for me AS WELL as the boys.

I think that's why I felt good about yesterday...because I observed WH being warm and loving with the boys. And today, I have this negative reaction toward him when he ignored the boys.

Pep nailed it.

It's all intertwined; you cannot separate you and YOUR FAMILY...and that's how it is...what your WH does impacts you all...and as a mother...well the instinct to protect can be deleterious to whatever love stores you have...

You will know, like you know a good Egg salad, when to go to Plan B... (if you prefer shrimp salad, or tuna salad, insert that in the above phraseology... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

I will be the lone voice here that says it is time for Plan B... or another plan called FU. When he treats his children this way... he needs a swift kick in his nuts... something to get his attention.
My son doesn't even want to spend time with his mom anymore because of [email]cr@p[/email] like this. I would hate to see that happen to you guys... because sometimes it is irreversible.
And MImi... Pep... I already know you don't agree... it is just my opinion and what I think will yield the best results.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

PLAN B will probably be necessary BUT not yet...

IMO, PLAN B right now will not lead to Recovery of Sis' marriage...

Sis:

What helped me was ACCEPTANCE. ACCEPTANCE that my H was gone. ACCEPTANCE that the marriage that I once knew was over...and YES, ACCEPTANCE THAT MY H WAS IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

I trusted in what Steve told me..that he could love me AGAIN..but at this point where your H is and mine was..the OW is giving most of the LOVE DEPOSITS...and as you are becoming aware, right after the FIX he will be much worse....He will feel as if he is betraying her if he is NICE at all to you..there's a fear that any connection with you will lesson the HIGH..ALL OF THIS YUCKY CRAP..I found it helpful to ACCEPT...IT IS WHAT IT IS..the NATURE OF THE ALIEN WH...

I find if I ACCEPT BAD things then I don't get FRUSTRATED..which leads to ANGER..

It's the Serenity Prayer point of view as previously noted by Pep...

Also, when you are feeling that frustration and resentment that you were experiencing today, it's probably best to back off of the PLAN A activities...he really is being ALIEN and is not at all deserving of kindness...

ACCEPTANCE of who the WAYWARD SPOUSE REALLY IS..VERY TRAUMATIC...I know..but HELPFUL...

Plus...

Your WH continues to FOLLOW THE SCRIPT..nothing new or surprising...

My FWH acted the exact same way as yours did today. You may have heard me mention this before...HE ACTED LIKE DR. JEKYLL and MR HYDE...soo MEAN at times..even with a DEVILISH look in his eyes....CREEPY.....

IF only i could have the serenity prayer point of view....but i'm not very good at this one

as my understanding of emotional needs has grown and i have continued to try to understand my part in the situation that is occurring.....since i have accepted that I too must change in order to have a chance to build a new marraige with the man i love

i believe another verse has allowed me to find the strength to keep hoping and continue loving my H...it is my guide to forgiveness

it is the verse that i have clung to...posted on my fridge...and carry in my purse

i'm sure you all know it

Love is patient, love is kind. It doesn not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.


Love is patient....so i'm trying hard to be

MEDC: I appreciate your point of view...but I don't think my kids are as aware of his neglect as I am. Given what's happened, and what I know of WH, I am hyper-sensitive to it. I think last night was the first time that WH actually failed to follow through on something he had committed to with the kids...and eventually he came through. Yes, he's not around; yes, I have to push for him to spend time with the kids; yes, when they are with him they don't DO anything; yes, it's drive-thru for every meal...but that's MY reality. My inner Miss Perfect expects him to do MUCH better...to be a REAL father. RIGHT NOW, the boys are happy to be with him whenever they can. The best thing I can do for my boys EVER is to put their family back together. Thus...

I agree with mimi. Plan B right now will just cut WH loose entirely. It would confirm his suspicions that my so-called "changes" were all just a sham. He was "right" to leave me to be with RT...his true love. It would be the last nail in the coffin...and keep in mind that this coffin has a bunch of nails in it already.

Besides...SH agreed...Plan A for as long as I am able.

mimi: I do believe I can accept that H is gone...but it's hard when I see those little glimpses of H inside....like Dr. Jeyll peeking his head out for a minute before Mr. Hyde roars back. I sort of come to a place of acceptance, then get drawn back in by the sight of H. My other struggle...and Pep's comments cleared this up for me...is that while I can accept/can work to accept the reality of a wayward HUSBAND...it is MUCH more difficult to accept a wayward FATHER. The WH is about ME, I can control my reactions to him...but a wayward FATHER is about my children. They don't understand, they just know that their dad is gone, that they only see him every once in a while, he's not there for them. That is harder to accept...hurt me, but don't hurt my children.

For me (as always <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), having that context...that perspective...really helps me to understand and to deal with the reality. When I understand WHY I react so strongly (because I feel my boys are threatened), then I'm not left wondering, "Where did THAT come from??" You think that would have been obvious, right? But it wasn't...see how much I rely on you all to provide that objectivity? I'm so CLOSE that I can't see what is right in front of me.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS:

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS!! I thought I had to be nicey-nice ALL THE TIME. Last night I wanted to SHAKE him...you idiot!!...but instead I smiled and chatted him up. I thought I HAD to do this. To have the freedom...the permission...to just be NOTHING is WONDERFUL. In those circumstances, when I'm angry and resentful because of something specific he has done, I can just be FLAT. I can still bite my tongue, but at least I won't be drawing blood....like I was last night. To do what I did last night takes A LOT of energy. It's too big a withdrawal from my love bank....and now to know it's not worth it. Whew. What a relief! Thank you!!

Eav: That one is 1 Corinthians. There are other REALLY good ones you should look at...I'd recommend Phillipians...I think chapter 4? Starts out something like "Rejoice in the Lord, I say, rejoice!" I love that one and read it A LOT. I think it would be a good one for you right now.

Thanks everyone. It's nice to get up in the morning and get grounded...off on the right foot. I am going to focus on myself today...not think about WH. It is a busy day at work and my mom is coming this afternoon.

I think this week has been extra difficult because of what awaits me tomorrow when I am sentenced. I am really keeping that box locked up tight...don't think about it, LilSis...you can't do anything about it, LilSis. Working so HARD to keep it closed is also tapping me emotionally. But I will tell you all...I AM SO SO SCARED. There...I just opened the box a hair and look what comes out.

I'm thinking that things will be just fine tomorrow. Remember to be sincerely remorseful. And be sure to wear panties.

Please please please have MIL give him a good scolding about this sentencing business. Its just so wrong that you are paying this price. He needs to face that.
And there is no one better than his mom to make him do so.

Make him face how he has trampled on you for this fantasy.

You're not the only voice here. I also think this has gone on long enough.

Sis, this whole thing has become something of a game to you, and you are high on the activities and on the perception that you are "winning". I know that Plan A is necessary before Plan B, but I am concerned about your emotional state if you let this go on much longer.

Right now you have the comfort of "doing something" and are looking forward to "winning". But The Truth is lurking right down at your feet and it's liable to leap up at any moment and bite you like a snake. The Truth is that while you are buying roses and and leaving homemade soap and making panty jokes, your husband is ignoring you and ignoring your children because he's chosen to go screw another woman instead.

I know how much you value the support you are getting here. I know it's better than Plan FU (which you already did) and ending up in jail. I am just saying to PLEASE not let this go on much longer.

For one thing, you are sending an extremely confusing message to your boys about how men treat women and about what's okay for men to do and what's not. They certainly know that Daddy Has A Girlfriend - but Mommy seems perfectly okay with this and keeps leaving him presents??!!?

And for the other, I am concerned about the amount of personal humiliation that you are having to swallow. A short Plan A is one thing - but if you stopped this and gave him your Plan B letter TODAY, I sure would feel a whole lot better and I think you would too.

Please think about it. There are varying opinions on this site, which is one thing that makes it valuable.
Mulan

Oh, Sis . . . your WH is not the only one in the fog. There is most certainly a BS fog of denial and it is often talked about here.
Mulan

you will get sentenced with some sort of "service"

and a scolding to stay away from RT

my prediction is thus

is WH planning to be there?

I'd advise that you ASK him to be there with you
"for support"

don't be disappointed if he does not do this

but ask him anyway

maintain good eye contact with the judge when you are listening or speaking to him/her... without staring

be yourself
be honest
it's OK to become emotional

Pep

about plan B ....

when you feel like you want to rip WH's toenails out with rusty scissors

CALL STEVE and discuss your Plan B

the forum opinion should not be the deciding factor

you decide with Steve's guidance

MY opinion is ... your original Feburary date was just about right ... but that is MY opinion

Pep