I am so sorry for what you have to deal with.
I thought about you and this ridiculous situation all night.
I find myself walking around shaking my head in disbelief over that awful woman and your stupid [censored] of a husband. (sorry)

is this OW's first affair?
I can't beleive more people haven't figured her out.
Does she (and your WH) associate w/ any of your old friends?
How do they treat them?
I just can not imagine ANYONE supporting her writing that letter.
who would have the nerve???
Only a very sick and self-absorbed witch.

oh yeah...and, why didn't she want you arrested? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sis, this is exactly why I suggest you bring this letter up to him again in person, gauge is reaction. My guess (my hope) is he doesn’t really know what she wrote. It is one thing to know about “a letter or comment” to the court, it is entirely different to have knowledge of a 2 page slanderous slur written about the mother of his children. He needs to know: SHE IS A CRIMINAL - HAVING LIED TO THE COURT. He is supposed to uphold the law and protect us all from criminals. If he did not know but still chooses to devote himself to her, drop the A-bomb on him, he is too far-gone for your excellently administered plan A. The fact that he didn’t help you out by showing up in court speaks to the fact that the excellent plan A you are exhibiting is just allowing him to relieve his guilt rather than wake him up. I have been there, I know. Even SHarley told me to stop plan A, that my H would need a much bigger wake up call. Generally, nice guys can’t move one way or the other until they are pushed into movement by some extraordinary measures. You deserve so much better than this as do the boys.

I am sorry you are in a bad place. I think CC1 gave you some good advice. I am not sure that Plan FU is not a bad idea right now. You know your H best... but there have been recent examples here (Amiok) where Plan FU is what was needed to shake the WH awake. I would find a way to just take care of you today.

I thought of texting him...which one?

My head is high. Is yours?

It doesn't matter how hard you try. Love wins.

My vote is for :

My head is high. Is yours?

I prefer My head is high.
maybe....I can hold my head high...can you?

I worry he won't understand what your are trying to say.

will he be picking up the boys tonight...will you see him tonight?

I think you could use this whole letter situation as a way to figure out IF you should go to plan FU or not.
I think it's a good lead in.....he'd be forced to acknowledge what pushed you over the edge!

i wouldn't let it just die.
that's just the way i feel.

LilSis,

The thing is, WH's lie, so even if you ask him if he knew, can you believe the answer? There isn't any gurantee that if you ask him in person and look into his eyes, that you will be able to tell if he knew or if he is lying, bc right now he is lost.

I had the ow harrasing me and she convinced FWH that I was harrassing her! I had his three children, lived through his previous affair, knew him for over 25 years at that point, and guess who he believed? OW of course! They have to support the ow, they are supporting themselves and their choices at that point, they are not thinking of the BS. Remember, WS's are selfish!!

Take care,

Now is not the time to react.

Now is not the time to react.

Now is not the time to react.


My guess would be that Turdette has been telling WH that your Plan A actions....actions, not reactions.....were simply to influence him about the court proceeedings, maybe so that he would get Turdette to back off.

Now is not the time to react! Reacting might very well play right into Turdette's claws.

WH is not able to see any of this now....YOU CAN! That is your biggest weapon in this war against infidelity. WH has no weapons right now....you must continue to use your weapons on BOTH of your behalfs.


If you cannot control yourself now (it would be understandable) then get an emergency appt with SH. If you MUST do something now, let SH tell you exactly what to do, what to say, what words to use. Don't do anything right now unless SH approves it.


Take care LilSis. You're doing good. This is just a very low dip on the rollercoaster. Ride it out. It will come up again.

Sis,

I asked myself these same questions when my then-H chose the OW over me after she harrassed me while I was pretty sick. He knew the score, the truth .... he heard the tapes and listened to her vulgar and abusive words to me. He knew the outcome of the anti-harrassment order, yet he still stayed with her thereby supporting her.

I spent some time in my shower too, crying. But every time I found myself in that state, I emerged stronger. I told myself I couldn't succumb to feeling rage or anger or depression, otherwise infidelity wins. But it did hurt unbelievably.

After reading you for weeks, I believe you too will emerge stronger. Please know there isn't anything else they can do to you now, and you're still standing tall.

Take some time to digest the last couple days. Then take back your power by following your Plan. You decide what that Plan is.

Jo

I don't think he'll worry about lying to me. Why lie? He's proud of what he's doing. He thinks he's entitled to do whatever he wants and step all over whomever he wants. Why not proclaim to all the world that the two of them spent hours composing that piece of trash (if they did)?

Of course, he could lie about knowing what the letter actually said. It is POSSIBLE that he didn't know that she sent one, or maybe she told him it said XYZ, when really it said ABC.

Either way, she looks like a fool, and he looks like a fool. Everyone sees that except for them. They think they are wonderful, just misunderstood, and so very entitled.

I did send one TM: "XXX" the name of the restaurant where WH and I had breakfast every Friday morning. No other comment...just the name of the restaurant. He told his mom shortly after d-day how much he enjoyed those breakfasts with me....

Yes...the boys are with him tonight (presumably...he hasn't communicated with me about the details of that yet). So it is likely that I will see him. I'm going to talk to MIL about if I should say anything. She knows him...and as much as I REALLY appreciate the input from all of you here, I ALSO need the opinion of someone who KNOWS WH.

LilSis, I don't post on your thread but I've been following your story. My heart just broke for you when I read your post from this morning. It is hard to believe someone you married, had children with and built a life with could turn on you so much. I seriously think that WS's that act to this extreme feel the need to "demonize" or detach from the BS's feelings to appease their own guilt. Deep down they KNOW what they are doing is wrong, but they want that crack fix SO BAD they'll sell their mamma out to get it.

Odds are eventually the novelty will wear off and he'll have his demons to wrestle with. You may never know it, pride keeps many people from ever admitting wrong doing or that they hurt others along with destroying their own core good by their acions.

Remember, you are a good person, don't let them steal that from you. You hold your head high and be proud.

I am going to challenge you



has he sat down with your 2 sons and proudly told them he is an adulteror who is proudly breaking up their family?

Pep

Does he read his email during the day?

If so, you might send him an email and ask him about picking up your kids tonight. If you can write him a heartfelt email, free of anger, this might be a perfect opportunity for a Plan A stick.

You can tell him that you wanted to update him about what happened in court. This could be a great opportunity to tell him how YOU feel and how horrible this whole ordeal has been for you. You can then tell him how hurt you were by the letter that was sent to the court and say that you were very sad that he hadn't sent one in support to counter the other one. Simple, to the point, telling how you feel, yet not becoming angry with him.

Then, maybe you can finish up with a statement about how you can't believe how after the years that you two have loved each other that it has come to this and even though all this hurt and pain has occurred, you're willing to do whatever it takes to put your family back on track after this long nightmare.

He's probably embarrassed to face you. So if you bring this up in a loving way, showing your sadness, but not your anger, maybe it can help you both.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jo: The comments the OW made to you came immediately to my mind yesterday. They stuck in my mind so vividly when you told me about them several weeks ago. What she did to you was worse, much worse.

You are right, LB. Now is not the time to react. I know that deep down. That's why I came on here, to the boards, to my sanctuary, to vent what I needed to vent. This is my safe place to do it. Also, my therapist is a strong proponent of indulging my need to cry...it lets those emotions out and does not allow them to become bottled up and fester. And it's true for me....between a good cry and venting here, I feel better, more grounded, more clear, stronger.

I didn't send either TM, but both ARE TRUE: I can hold my head high, and love does win. I am so proud of myself that I can hold my head high. With the exception of the times when I just completely fell apart, I have nothing to be ashamed of. And even my "falling apart" was a result of the incredible pressure and stress that I was under at the time. And God is love, right? And God can't be defeated...

I just pulled this quote off of Orchid's thread



I like the simple truthfulness of this

this may be one of the reverse babble phrases you can put in your toolkit for when WH's stupidity makes you speachless

if necessary
this can be a response when discussing the childrens' wellbeing

"I am discussing with our boys how to tell the difference between a need, a want and a lie."

anywho

I think you ought to have a journal page where you keep a list of available comebacks

such as

"Tell me, when is adultery the correct behavior?"

Pep

Grownup: I like really like your idea--particularly the way you state everything matter of factly, but with great sincerity---but I'm still going to give it a day or so. I need to be in a really strong, good place and have carefully thought through what to say. I also want to consider the best WAY to share my feelings with him...email or in person...when I can look him in the eye. I can pin him down with my eyes, make him SEE me.

I DO sense that I need to say something to him. I feel like doing nothing--ever--is being doormatty.

Pep: I should come up with a list of babble comebacks. Because I tend to be the kind of person who comes up with the perfect response about five minutes too late, my fallback was going to be reframing the foggy statment by agreeing, then turn it right back at WH either as a question or a statement.

So for starters...(an Orchid I am NOT)

WH: Don't do this because it confuses the kids.
LS: I agree. Adultery confuses the kids a great deal.

WH: I have to let RT do what she needs to do.
LS: I agree. To continue your adultery, she NEEDS to destroy our family.

WH: Don't do this (in response to a hug or kiss)
LS: I am your wife. Who else SHOULD do this?

WH: Well, you did these awful things (in reference to "the incident")
LS: You are right. You did do these awful things.

What other foggy things has WH said? I can't think of others right now...

Sis - for once I'm not advocating Plan FU here, although nobody would deserve it more than your WH - but I do think that after him throwing you under the bus at your court hearing and allowing you to be subjected to Turdette's letter, Plan B is more than warranted.

You can't tell me your WH didn't know about that letter. I'd bet your house that he helped her write it.

You have done an excellent Plan A for several weeks now. But if you do not protect yourself, the anger and resentment over what he has done will eat at you and you WILL find yourself going straight to Plan FU the next time you see his blank stare and you WILL undo all the good you've done with your Plan A.

You could include in your Plan B letter something about how you have tried to reconnect with him and you understand that this will take time, but that his abandoning you at the hearing and supporting Turdette instead is so painful and humiliating to you AND YOUR CHILDREN that you have no choice but to protect yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN from this kind of torment.

Again - if you wait too long, your natural and fully justified resentment will certainly boil over no matter what your intentions and you will undo all that your Plan A has done.

Go to Plan B now, while YOU are still in control.

Just my .02.
Mulan

The more I think about it the more I think your WH didn't help write it. He knew about it, read it, but didn't help write it. Too much work for him. This POS (sorry about that) is too much of a P wussy to do that. He wants others to fight his battles for him. He will stand by and let others do the dirty work so he can have his hands clean, but still be happy.

I'm sorry to all the men here when I say that guys like this sometimes give us a bad name. I know I just DJed myself and half the worlds pop, but that's how I feel about your WH.

All ME ME ME ME ME <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />