By the way, if you mention it to him and he confronts her with the false allegations, LB's should start to commence between them. If not, then nothing lost.

TODAY:

regroup
circle the wagons
pamper yourself
pamper your boys

TOMORROW is ANOTHER DAY to plan A

I would not contact WH for a few days unless you have a real need

let him come to you

after a little healing
you can ramp up your Plan A

but it's OK and advised to TAKE A BREAK when you need one

Pep

LilSis:

I want to say so many other things, none which could be as productive as I might think.

So, I will keep it short:

Should you have MIL Ask about the letter?

No. Because the letter doesn't matter.

Lets look at the scenarios:

If the WH knew about the letter.

OR

If WH didn't know about the letter,

WH LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN ANYWAY!!.

Same result.

It not the letter. Its the actions that occurred.

LG


And Pep:

You know what a "gimmie" is right?

???

I know what "gimmie" means when spoken in our bedroom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everyone. I am going to just take it easy for a couple of days. Absolutely no Plan A attacks while I let things settle down for me emotionally, then we'll see. The boys will be with WH this weekend, so I can take good care of myself. I am spending Saturday with two friends...one is a MFA candidate and she is going to teach us how to mosaic. I just took another bubble bath, and decided to skip pilates tonight...I'm emtionally drained and it's so darn cold outside. I just want to curl up in my cozy sweats and veg in front of the tv.

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers. What Neak said is exactly what I couldn't articulate earlier. I don't want to do anything reactionary. I need to process it and get some perspective; weigh out this resentment and respect issue. How much resentment builds before it starts to erode my love for him? How can I love someone for whom I have lost almost all respect? Am I talking about WH, or H? Is there any H left?

At the same time, nothing's really CHANGED; as Neak said...he's already done the unthinkable by having an affair, leaving his family, and filing for D...why be surprised that he didn't think to support me in court? What would mimi say...something about how the WH is an evil stranger, devil-ish, unrecognizable, DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING from a WH. Right?

I'm not trying to talk myself into anything...but I do need to get my heart and head back in synch. Can't do anything until then. Really, with all the anxiety of the looming sentencing, I've been out of synch for a few days. I look forward to a quiet weekend to REGROUP.

I don't really have much to line up for a Plan B...do I? The legal arrangments are already made...I would just have to do the letter and arrange for my intermediary (I'd like to use SIL...she's a tough cookie and never really cared for WH). Anything else I'm not aware of?

As noodle reminded me, I'm not the only one who's taken a beating at the hands of a vengeful OW. I'll make it through...just like all of you have.

I'm NOT a quitter, so I don't want to give up. But I have to KNOW what I'm fighting for....and it can't just be for the sake of the fight (no political implications intended....). My marriage; my family, of course...no question. But this crackhead is NOT worth fighting for...and unfortunately, he's at the crux of both.

Just rambling...

LG: I think that's the point my therapist was trying to make when he said something like: "Does it really matter if he knew about the letter? Because WH is still deeply involved with a woman who is capable of writing that." That is the bottom line.

I told WH once this summer when I was screaming at him (totally non-MB) that I deserved someone who will fight for me. No only is WH not fighting FOR me, he's not defending me, and he's providing aid and comfort to the enemy (ugh).

cc1 reminded me about the conversation that WH and I had maybe a week ago, when my arrest came up. I STRONGLY hinted to him that I suspected RT had something to do with my "deal" going away. He insisted that she didn't. Remember I looked him square in the eye when he said that, and he "blinked first." WELL, WELL, WELL...methinks her 2-page diatribe about how I am essentially stalking her and ruining her life (WHAT???) tells the real story. That was NOT the letter of a woman who didn't want the book thrown at me.

It was the insane rantings of a morally corrupt, lying, cheating, vengeful and dispicable excuse for a human being, aka RatTurd.

I hate her lying guts

does that help?

Me too.

We should count her imperfections so we can hate them all individually.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'd really like to take a look at RT's "victim" letter

if there are out-and-out false statements
you may have recourse

Pep

I'd like to whip her a$$. But I live in Oregon so I guess that is too far to drive.

Sis,

I just have to lighten the mood, and by way of a little story maybe give you a revenge idea - of course, you should follow through much later, if you were ever in the mood. Right now would be too obvious!

I had a friend, call her Kara, in college who got really mad at another friend, Becky. Kara really wanted revenge on Becky, and decided that she would figure out the best way to do it, and not get caught. Kara was the QUEEN. Here's what she did:

Kara got hold of the college newspaper, and the local free press paper, and the local want ads. She combed all of the want ads for various items, then started calling. If a real person answered, she would pretend to have a wrong number. If an answering machine answered, she left BECKY's name and number, and stated how VERY interested she was in the item or activity in the ad, and to PLEASE call her back, no matter what time it was.

Kara left messages for many things: free puppies and kittens; massages; chiropractors; fortune tellers and psychics (you would think they would have known), cars for sale; and personal ads (single females seeking other single females, or whatever!). The very best one was for a nudist group planning a local excursion.

Becky began receiving calls. Immediately, she called Kara and said that she didn't know how she did this, but she had to stop - Kara of course told her she had "no idea" what was happening.

Kara and Becky were, of course, best friends. Before and AFTER this happened.

We all couldn't stop laughing - because the nudist guy was just as strange as they come, and wouldn't let Becky off the phone.

I still think that if I ever need revenge I should go this route. Come to think of it, there is a certain OW......

SB

LilSis:

Do you know the scarier part?

Your quote:



It wasn't insane, it was methodical, measured, thought about, rewritten and delivered as asked by the court.

Doesn't mean she isn't all those other things....

As an aside, I wouldn't ask for a copy. Your WH, as a "Victim" in this crime as well, probably can see a copy. But who cares? YOU could spend many hours, dollars and effort to get it. It could also just be provided to you. But what do you have? Something to show WH how awful RT really is? While in the A, absolutely no effect on him. After the A is over and you are in recovery? What day would you bring it out? After a really good day? Or after a really bad day? Or on a sunny afternoon out of the blue? You could have MIL give it to him. But your fingerprints would be all over it. Some here see it as the perfect tool to pry him from RT. Unless he is serious about getting her out of his life, I do not think it would have any effect. It may even make him want to protect his poor little RT.

His actions in allowing this judicial process to continue speak to his mindset.

And the letter serves no purpose in your recovery of the M because it is the OW speaking. Not you. Not your H. The OW. And her's do not count.

And keeping the letter locked away in a drawer for some future time? It's a time bomb waiting to explode. And the fallout could really hamper recovery.

And if WH never comes back? Would you want the OW scribblings in your house?

Until H is fighting in your corner, none of it really matters.


IMHO.

LG: Was it my quote that was scary or the fact that it was methodical, measured, etc. ???

I do not think I can get a copy of the letter anyway. I checked the AG's website, and according to that, court documents are subject to the rules of the particular court, NOT FOIA. I specifically ask my attorney if I could get a copy and he said no, I could not. That is the first time I wished for a camera phone...but as you say, what's the point. WH is still a WH, RT is still a RT. What's done is done....and whatever tomorrow brings, RT really can't be part of the equation if recovery is the goal. I CAN ONLY CONTROL ME.

Pep: I did jump on one statement in the letter in which RT stated she had seen me three blocks from her house (I was not allowed within 8 blocks). That HAS NOT happened. When we were before the judge, and thus on the record, my attorney noted that 3-block thing was a fabrication, and ALSO stated for the record that the "victim" was involved in deception while having an affair with my husband.

Again, I HAVE NO REASON to think that this letter (which was SOOO obviously over the top and extreme) had any impact on my sentencing. The 1-year probation and 40 hrs of service is pretty good, I'm told. CERTAINLY not a harsh sentence. The judge knew the circumstances, the pre-sentence investigator knew the circumstances...no one was fooled by that letter. Again, she just showed her true colors.

I told my therapist today that there's sort of a "freeing" feeling about that...that she has "shown" herself. Now...especially with the letter as "evidence," it is so obvious to anyone who knows the circumstances. The fact that she wrote ANY letter--with the exception of a letter asking that I be exonerated--just showed her to be self-serving, self-absorbed and in denial as to the pain she has inflicted.

A brief summary of RT's involvement in the arrest and prosecution:
1. The night of the incident, after I left, RT and WH decided to file a PPO the next day for RT. WH left RT's home, and shortly thereafter, RT called the cops. MIL swears that WH was unaware that RT was going to do that.
2. A deal was pending that would have allowed me to serve 6 months probation and the charges would be dismissed (record cleared). The prosecutor had to "get it approved." During that week, WH got a call from the prosecutor, and MIL overheard him telling her that he did not want any charges to stick. He didn't want anything to happen to me. I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT RT GOT A SIMILAR CALL. By the end of the week, the deal was off the table. I had to plead to straight-up misdemeanor assault, which would stay on my record for at least five years. WH claims a couple of weeks ago that RT had nothing to do with the deal going away.
3. Then today...with her "victim" impact statement. I should say that at the VERY end of the second page, she did say she didn't want me to go to jail. Gee...how generous. ("She's crazed and dangerous and I live in constant fear for my very life...but don't send her to jail." Okaaay....)

Question for LG: Does WH see this and just choose to ignore it? Does WH see this and think, "Great! I wanted to get rid of that first wife, anyway." Does WH NOT see this, being blinded by her fat ankles and all? Does WH see it and rationalize it by saying, "RT needs to do what she needs to do."

(I WAS impressed at RT's loquaciousness. I really didn't think she could string together two sentences...but two pages?!? My dad always said, "full pen, empty mind." In this case it REALLY fits.)

Since this is the Turdette that he threw his family under the bus for, he had better act like she's worth defending or else he'd look like a REAL [censored], now wouldn't he? That's what he's thinking.

(an aside: Where I come from, "RT" stands for "Romantic Times," which is a national magazine of book reviews. I've had all of my novels reviewed there. I vote that we use Pepperband's much more suitable "Turdette" to describe the homewrecking liar.)


Are you sure she was the one who wrote the letter?

Are you sure she didn't have help?
Mulan

"RT needs to do what she needs to do."


Unfortunately I'd go with this as my first choice....the transference of loyalties is mind boggling [and often mindless] in its dogmatic insistance that all evidence to the contrary of whatever rubbish op has spewed forth is highly suspect and must surely have been tampered with [a source of much chagrin in saner days post destupefying]

(((LilSis)))

You certainly need to take this weekend time for yourself. Recharge.

I've found LG to be of sound mind when it comes to WH's, and it is a blessing that he is here for you now. He's right,




I've been trying to learn this one, and it finally REALLY sank in this week (thanks LG! ) I can't sit and wait for my life to happen; I must GET ON WITH IT! I think this is what Mimi has been telling me too, move on, get on with it...

Plan B is looming, I think. Take the time to get in sync again....

You have handled all of this with such class, and love.

Don't waste any of your time on RT, just give her the silent rat poison treatment. You don't need to spend one moment of your time trying to figure that letter out. I can figure it out in one second...IT'S CRAP!!!

I know about the resentment, especially considering what you have endured since the A, and now this.

Believe what you will, but I believe that Karma will set an appointment for both WH and OW. You cannot do bad things to others and expect no retribution, no pennance. You are paying yours for laying a hand on another human with malice (she should consider herself lucky you didn't wring her neck); they have destroyed a M, and more that 3 peoples' foundation, and that is beyond WORSE. Physical pain, scars, fade. This type of damage is forever, it is to the core. You will be okay, I promise, if you keep with MB, and calmly traverse this minefield, you will be okay...

Sarcasthanasius says:

You can say what you like about Ms. RatTurd, but you have to admit, although she may commit adultery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />, at least she bears false witness against her neighbor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sorry I was away while you went to court....I was still praying for you the whole time though....wish WE could send lullabys, flowers, and cookies to YOU....

Here's a poem for you:

Oh, the stars have not dealt me the worst they could do,
My pleasures are plenty, my troubles just two.
But oh my two troubles, they rob me of rest:
The brains in my head and the heart in my breast.

Oh give me the gift that is given so free,
The birthright of millions -- give it to me --
that relish their victuals and rest in their beds,
With flint in the bosom and guts in the head.

[from A. E. Housman -- quoted perhaps inaccurately]

It's tough being so human and vulnerable with these flint-hearted monsters of selfishness affecting your life....take the weekend off, for sure....bubble baths and things. Have you ever had a professional massage? I bet you have all kinds of tension locked into your muscles right now.

Prayers for you and the kids before I goto bed.

(((((hugs too)))))

I'm fighting off a strong desire this morning to implement Plan FU. How could he? How could he? How could he?

WH, you once loved me deeply enough to marry me, to choose me to spend your life with, you held my hand while I brought our children into the world, you comforted me when my beloved father was dying. How could you POSSIBLY SIT BY now and watch someone deliberatly harm me? No only do you sit by while she inflicts intentional pain, but you support her while she does it. Do I mean SO LITTLE to you...as your wife, as the mother of your children? Where in God's name is your humanity? Do you even have a soul?

Another morning spent crying in the shower.