Mulan: I just don't think I'm ready quite yet for Plan B. I think that (somehow) very calmly and clearly expressing my anger and disappointment at WH's willingness to allow RT to continue to deliberatly and intentionally hurt me will diffuse my anger and resentment a great deal. It allows me to maintain my integrity without jeopardizing the work I've done so far in Plan A. I also think that by expressing my feelings honestly...and then CONTINUING to demonstrate love and compassion will make for an even stronger Plan A.

I am SURE that H does not believe I can ever forgive WH's A. By SHOWING him that I can be hurt, that I can be disappointed, and yet still accept him, still be the lighthouse...that's a strong message. In my heart, I feel like that gives H something to hold on to, another tool to use to escape from WH. And my head is in synch with that now.

I COMPLETELY understand how others might respond differently to yesterday's events, and I TOTALLY respect that you share your view out of concern for me. And I have grappled with it, too, thanks to you. But processing it here, on this forum...I begin to understand that this is just me. Discussing this here, I have the opportunity to gauge my reactions to others' suggestions. But the bottom line is: I have to make peace with things in my own way and in my own time. I NEED to do it my way.

Did that make sense to ANYONE??

Makes sense to me, and totally respect your choice.
You need to do what FEELS right to you....trust your instincts.
what you explained above is the perfect opportunity to show him how wonderful and compassionate you are!

personally, i am very glad you decided not to just ignore the letter though...that's the part i know would have killed me.
I think you know yourself very well.

Quote:
I am SURE that H does not believe I can ever forgive WH's A. By SHOWING him that I can be hurt, that I can be disappointed, and yet still accept him, still be the lighthouse...that's a strong message. In my heart, I feel like that gives H something to hold on to, another tool to use to escape from WH. And my head is in synch with that now.


I agree and support you staying on YOUR agenda if you possibly can [the love bank not spinning the drain]..working from your predetermined time frame.

That is why we HAVE a plan..so as not to be in servitude to our reactions and hurt.

You are talking about demonstrating mercy, dignity, and grace.

What could be wrong with that?

I would have a hard time keeping my selfish entitlements flying high in the face of that high caliber artillery.

I'm not sure that he helped write it, either. I think she told him that it was much kinder than it was .... that she pleaded for leniency for you, blah blah blah. Nice and manipulative, just like she is.

He's been a turkey, but he was also convinced that she didn't blow your deal for you .... I think he'd be pretty disgusted to know otherwise, although he wouldn't admit it.

I like Grownup's idea.

As far as plan FU .... for me, it happened by accident, because I blew my top. Let too much build up and fester and rot until I spewed it all over the place. It was terrible, and I wouldn't reccommend going that way. If you end up deciding on a plan FU, make it a plan, soemthing that you are in control of and know what you're working for and what you're doing, and not just an insane explosion. My H has since said that the reason it worked on him was that he finally realized how selfish he'd been, and how serious the impact had been on me and the kids and our lives. I think there probably could have been lots of other ways to let him see that than by exploding.

I think your best bet right now is to take really, really good care of yourself, pamper yourself and get centered again. I don't think you have to lay the Plan A on to thick right now -- panties and kisses and tm's and roses seem pretty un-authentic at the moment. But I also don't know that I'd rush into Plan B yet, or Plan FU, because I agree that your WH is probably thinking that all of your Plan A things so far were manipulations for court. That's why I like Grownup's idea ... authentic and real and loving and still re-stating your goal, even while acknowledging what's really going on.

Whatever you decide, just wait to take any action until you have your feet back under you again. Maybe someone else can help make the arrangements for the weekend and do the handoff for the boys. Then you'll have some time to relax before you have to decide on a direction or have to be "on" again.

-AmI.

-AmI.

I also think Ami...that because the outburst was SO outof character for you it had a shocking affect..a slap...a cold water shower...it woke him up if even for a moment...and in that moment he was able to see what he was choosing.

If outbursts had NOT been so shocking I doubt it would have accomplished much at all.

It was also helped along by your plan A efforts...you were grace under fire for a long time under some terrible conditions before you erupted.

Your plan FU had a plan B esque effect I think.

Amen. No way.

LilSis,

What you're saying makes perfect sense. That last thing you need to do is lose control and make a decision that you can't take back or that will take the bite of Plan B when you're really ready.

The reason I thought that you should email him today is that you'll see him tonight. He needs a response from you about your court case. He needs to see you act like an adult - a loving one. He needs to see that you are fair and decent and that you'd never treat anyone else the way you've been treated. But, he needs to see you speak up for yourself, your children and your marriage. And this may sound weird, but while you're telling him about the pain and suffering that you, the boys and his folks have gone through, I wonder if it would be a good idea to tell him that you have gone over the past and wondered what you could've done differently to avoid all this -- that you wish you'd known he was unhappy or you wish you could've found out when the affair started to try to intervene, instead of having it go on under your nose all that time. The point is that you take some responsbility for the state of the marraige, which should catch him off-guard and take the defensiveness out of him and it might make him wonder too about the past -- though that's a real longshot with a WS. And you might point out, that though you wish that you hadn't fallen apart and slapped RT, that you were to the breaking point from all the pain and hurt. And you could ask him what he would've done to an OM if the situation had been reversed.

Then end it with saying that no matter what he's done to you and your kids, you feel that it would best for everyone if your family can be saved, that you know you can forgive him and that you can go on to build a marriage where you both can be happy -- that you know in your heart that the man you fell in love with and respected is still there.

But... I think you need to say something. The fact he hasn't contacted you speaks volumes. And... you can't be all sweetie sweet tonight when you see him, or IMO, he will lose respect for you. You need to show him how terribly disappointed you are in the whole situation, yet how much hope you have that he can save himself and your family. Lots of times, people do live up to your expectations. So if you show him that your expectation is for him to become an honorable person, that will be better than expecting him to act like a slimeball. The more you can point out the difference between your character and RT's, the better too.

It sounds like your head is one straight. Good luck.

LilSis, Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson? Check your library and check it out if possible.

Just be prepared for "calmly expressing my disappointment" to be met with the world's cruelest and/or stupidest remark, and/or the world's coldest stare.

That's usually when Plan FU happens whether you intended it to or not.

Just be prepared.

Never underestimate a WS's ability to push your buttons.

Mulan

Just my personal opinion, but I still don't think this is going to change anything very much, except that you need to rest for a few days.

After sleeping on it for a couple more nights, I think you will be in a better place to evaluate what you are able to to, and what you want to do.

If you find your Love Bank to be in pretty good shape, just pick up where you left off, being flirty, fun, and confronting when something needs confronting. (Which this letter business does.)

If you find that your Love Bank has been dealt a major blow, still do all of the above things, but finish your preparations for Plan B. (Writing your Plan B letter is a biggie, but it sounds like you have most of the rest of it taken care of already.) And then once you're all ready, keep Plan A'ing for a while, until your love gets dangerously depleted. (Not gone!)

Had this not happened, I am positive you could have continued your Plan A efforts at least till mid-Feb, and maybe even longer if that's what SH recommended. Now that this has happened, it may impact this or it may not, much. Just be extra sensitive and in tune with yourself once the shock wears off.

I would also agree with LB that the OW has probably told him you were just being nice till court. She may have even thought this herself, if he even told her you were being nice. (Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. AJ told Gargy quite a bit at first, but less as time went by and he didn't want to emphasize how tied he was to me.)

If there's one message I want to give you, it's to relax because there's plenty of time. There is no hurry. Time is your friend. You will know when it's time to act.

If you do decide to speak with him or email him regarding your sentencing, I would mention that the judge and pre-sentencing officer were aware of RT's involvement in your life then, when the incident occured, and now and showed you a great deal of understanding and compassion...

No. The consequences of his affair fall sqarely on his shoulders.

And also...it has that despairing permanently broken so we all may as well just move on sort of odor to it.

The correct message is...this is our life [REAL life]..get in the game.

I agree. My bet is she only told him about the part where she requested "no jail time".

I think he would be surprised to learn all of what she said. (Based on his belief that RT had nothing to do w/ the deal being taken off the table.)

~ Marsh

At some point for us, plan A became a permission slip to cake eat at will. Until I really rattled the cage, the cake began to lose sweetness. YMMV. I would recommend asking about and telling him about that horrible letter IN PERSON. Google information about eye movement while lying. (I used to remember) If the eye shifts left (or right) depending on if you are right handed or left handed, indicates a fasehood. Sorry, can't exactly remember which is which but you could get this info easily. An email has too much of a protective screen against emotional response. An email also gives him a chance to concoct anything he may want to say. On the spot questions in person are best. You are now the damsel in distress and he seems to thrive on this role play. He needs to know the damsel he thought was so distressed was really a perpetrator and you are the one distressed. Worked for me...again YMMV.

eyes to the left or up to the left... lying...
to the right... trying to remember
usually is opposite for a left handed person!

WH is sort of ambidextrous...writes with his right but throws with his left. Besides, I'd be watching him, thinking...wait...his left or my left?...which way is that?...hmmmm...and get all confused.

So...here's my speech. I really do feel like I need to say something sooner rather than later. I want him to see that I am strong enough to deal with this, that my head is still high, that I have NOT been beaten by them.

WH, you once loved me deeply enough to marry me, to choose to spend your life with me, to hold my hand while I brought our children into the world, and to comfort me when my dad was dying. I am deeply hurt and disappointed that given all of that…all of our history together…the fact that I am the mother of our children…that you would sit by and watch someone deliberately and intentionally try to do me harm. The letter she wrote to the court was nothing but a calculated attempt to hurt me yet again.

I take responsibility for what I did that night, but there is a HUGE difference between spontaneously acting out after enduring an incredible betrayal, and methodically attempting to inflict pain on someone who has already been deeply wounded. That is simply vindictive and cruel.

The only thing I have wanted all along is to save our marriage and keep our family intact. I may not have always gone about it the right way, but my intentions are pure and come from a place of love for you, and for the boys. I can hold my head high and be proud of who I am. I look forward to the day when you can do the same.

Reactions, revisions, comments....

I would add after vindictive and cruel..."what would you expect me to do?"

Just a brainstorm type idea, but instead of your "methodically attempting...." portion that he would take as an OW, maybe say "someone who would methodically work to destroy a family" and leave him wondering whether you are talking about OW or him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Either way, I would leave that part out because he will feel the need to defend her - barf - but I would definitely use the word "perjury".

You want him to know what she did, but without seeming to attack her for it.

"They read a lengthy letter from your mistress in court. She said xyz, which is completely untrue. By saying it to the judge, it became perjury. You are sworn to uphold the law." (Steely gaze moment.)

She is vindictive and cruel, but to tell him that will make him so angry that he misses the message you are trying to give him. Pretend you are a journalist, reporting only the facts and not opinions, but in such a way that the listener draws their own conclusions.

Except he won't draw them until later, but you are just planting more seeds. I really like the ending.

And I would also most certainly ask him what he would have done if he had found you with another man.

"I would have killed him" would be the expected response, if he admits it.