The speech sounded good to me....please do it in person. It will be extremely difficult to memorize all of these points. If you shed any tears, don't worry because YOU are now the damsel and she will look like the one who IS NOT the damsel she has led him to believe she is, she can very well take care of herself and take down anyone in her path. I still want to believe he does not know what her letter said, probably just knows she sent a letter of some kind. FILL HIM IN. If he acknowledges that he knew all about this letter, what then sis? I am here to tell you from experience that your resentment of him will multiply ten fold and anything left in your love bank will be gone (and rightly so). Have a back up plan of some sort ready in case he admits he knew or doesn't care.

I second the in person part. Don't leave a copy for him to share with OW. They can pick it apart and make fun of it. Sick Sick Sick...

Best wishes

LilSis:


LS: Glad to see you here to pick up the boys!

WH: Yep, It's my night...(Looking at floor, porch, etc.)

LS: Anything you want to say?

WH: No. You?

LS: WH, you once loved me deeply enough to marry me, to choose to spend your life with me, to hold my hand while I brought our children into the world, and to comfort me when my dad was dying. I am deeply hurt and disappointed that given all of that…all of our history together…the fact that I am the mother of our children…that you would sit by and watch someone deliberately and intentionally try to do me harm. The letter she wrote to the court was nothing but a calculated attempt to hurt me yet again.

I take responsibility for what I did that night, but there is a HUGE difference between spontaneously acting out after enduring an incredible betrayal, and methodically attempting to inflict pain on someone who has already been deeply wounded. That is simply vindictive and cruel.

The only thing I have wanted all along is to save our marriage and keep our family intact. I may not have always gone about it the right way, but my intentions are pure and come from a place of love for you, and for the boys. I can hold my head high and be proud of who I am. I look forward to the day when you can do the same.

WH: Glad the boys are ready, See ya!

Just doesn't flow does it?

He knows what your sentence was. And if he doesn't know, it doesn't matter to him.
He might have helped with the letter. As I said before. It doesn't matter to him.

So, you can tell him your well thought out speech and it just doesn't matter to him.

SO, how about this:

LS: Glad to see you here to pick up the boys!

WH: Yep, It's my night...(Looking at floor, porch, etc.)

LS: Anything you want to say?

WH: No. You?

LS: Yep. The judge gave me 12 months probation and 40 Hours of community service. Didn't you know? (Bat eyes)

WH: Well, that isn't so bad after all. (brightening, because he not getting kicked for this...) As the kids run to the car...

LS: No, If I had killed the B!tch, I don't think I would have even got probation if I had been judged by a "Jury of my Peers" (Smile Sweetly) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Close the door.

Let him come back to you.

Your husband wasn't there in court because he wants to be able to use the excuse that all of this had nothing to do with him. He is so much like my ex. None of this is on him, his kids aren't hurting, the OW is a goooooood woman, blah, blah, blah.

I would drop the whole thing. Otherwise you might find out that your husband is a useless mass of quivering green jello. (I think that Pep said that about my WH, and it was the beginning of the end for me.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I did not !



did I?

Pep

Agree with LG here...his attention span regarding anything YOU have to say or how YOU feel is five seconds or less.

Concise is the way to go.

I might go with a simple "too bad it wasn't a jury of my peers [reflective pause] you really let me down" rather than make jokes about the "b*tch" because remember two crucial things..1 she has his loyalty right now...calling her a b*tch no matter how well deserved means that is ALL he heard...and 2 no one EVER likes being told by anyone they have even a scrap of investment in that they let them down.

Although LG I must say...it WAS funny and under other circumstances or a different place in recovery...not too shabby.

Sorry, LG. Too late. I went to pick up the boys at 3:30 and he was also there. I went for it. I get your point, LG, but I had to "speak my truth" as LA would say.

I essentially got through the part about allowing someone to do me harm and he stops me.
WH: What are you talking about?
LS: My sentencing yesterday.
WH: What about it? What did you get?
LS: I'm not talking about what I got, I'm talking about the letter.
WH: What letter?
LS: The two-page single spaced letter where she told the judge and presentence investigator about how I've ruined her life and she lives in fear. About how she had to (gasp) lie to her children about what happened. About how horrible I am.
WH: I don't know about any letter.
LS: Well, maybe you should ask to read it. She clearly wanted to negatively impact my sentencing.
WH: Well, did it?
LS: I don't think so....it's so obvious...never once did the letter mention that she was screwing my husband while pretending to be my friend. The judge knows that. The presentence investigator knows that. Everyone saw right though it.
WH: Well, then....
LS: That's not the point. The point is that I didn't need to see that yesterday. There was no need for it. This incident happened three months ago and there has been nothing since. The only reason she could have had to write that letter was to be vindictive and cruel. And since she already stole my husband and has denied my children a father, I think she's hurt me enough.
WH: Well your behavior was so erratic...
LS: There's a WORLD of difference between someone who spontaneously acts out of emotion, anger and hurt after sufferinng an incredible betrayal, and someone who carefully and WITH INTENT tries to hurt someone who has already been deeply hurt. I am hurt that you allowed that to happen.
WH: I didn't allow anything to happen. I took myself out of this. I told the prosecutor I didn't want anything to happen to you. She and I sort of had it out over this. (I don't know exactly what "this" was)
LS: I know that you had the opportunity to write an impact statement, too, and you didn't. You could have written one in support of me. You could have shown up yesterday to support me.
WH: I thought you didn't want me to have anything to do with this. (Huh? I don't know where that came from...)

I'll post this and keep going for installment 2...

He is engaging MUCH more than many a WS...good to see.

Sure it's very entitled and self serving and self justifying..but what do ya expect? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It's still engagement.

LilSis:

I do not need to read any more. You were Awesome.

Emotion wins. Hands Down.

And you got to say what you wanted to say.

You are awesome!

LG

I'm so glad you didn't get the blank adolescent 1000 yard stare and the sound of crickets.

Ooops, just realized that I forgot to say above that before the "WORLD of difference" remark, I did say that I took full responsibility for my actions that night, and WH said, "I know."

Just read noodle's post, so I guess I let you down, too. But I feel good about it...I did this for ME...not for WH. Really...I needed to show him that I am strong and this did not defeat me or soften my resolve AT ALL. It just showed me how dispicable RT is. If he goes to her defense, fine. I have said my peace.

So continuing with my little drama...
WH: I didn't want to have anything to do with the awful, stinking criminal justice system. I can't even imagine what it's been like for you.
LS: But by doing nothing, you are doing nothing. By not supporting me, you are supporting her...as she hurts me further. (Folks, I know this isn't scoring me points here, but it is my truth. And he's listening, not being overly defensive)
WH: I just wanted to take myself out of it. You were so erratic. Everybody thought so. (Again, this everybody crap. He always tries to make me think that "everybody" thinks I'm a nut job. I'm not buying it anymore.)
LS: Look, all I've ever wanted, all I've ever tried to do is SAVE OUR MARRIAGE and keep our family intact. I may not have gone about it in the right way, but my intentions were pure. I did it all out of love for YOU...and for the boys. YOU are worth fighting for. Our marriage is worth fighting for, our family is worth fighting for. I can hold my head high. I am proud of what I have done. And I look forward to the day that you can hold your head high, too.
All this time, WH is looking at me intently. I spoke this all very clearly, very calmly, very slowly (so as best to penetrate the fog-filled brain...yeah, right). After I was done I just held his gaze.

About this point, I reached to hug him.
LS: I don't want to fight about this. I'm not blaming you, I'm not angry at you. (Hugging tightly now around the neck) It just hurts that you could think of me like I'm nothing.
WH: (holding me tightly) Well, that's where we fail to communicate again. I told the prosecutor that I didn't want anything to happen....(and he goes on here with stuff he's already said, holding with both arms tightly, squeezing)

There was other talk, back and forth stuff...much more of the same. I did bash her, but it was all related to the letter, and how it was a deliberate and intentional act. I called it "vicious and cruel." He took it, didn't get all defensive (on the outside). At one point the boys (who had been in the truck this whole time) had to run back into the school to go to the bathroom. That sort of broke the tension and WH and I just stood there by the truck.
LS: You think you'll take them sledding tomorrow?
WH: Yeah, maybe. Thought about taking them skiing, but DS8 wouldn't like it.
LS: Remember how we talked about getting cross country skis last year?
WH: Yeah, I was thinking about that.
LS: Yeah, we talked about it at XXX (the restaurant) one Friday morning having breakfast.
WH: Yeah.
Long pause.
LS: (smiling) Too cold to go pantiless today.
WH: Yeah (little chuckle, now the boys are coming back) I'll bring the boys back home before church, and then I'm working overtime in the afternoon so I won't get them back.
LS: Okay...hey, I'm glad we had this talk (hug him and kiss him on the neck...he's grimacing like he typically does)
WH: Oh, yeah (a little nonchalantly...like it was no big deal)

Byes all around...and I speed home to post here...

Feedback. Comments. NOW.

you are a MB GODDESS!!!!!!

I cannot imagine a more perfect interaction!!!

((((hugs to you))))

I am so happy you were able to make those statements to him. They are gonna work on him...for a long time.

Would a standing ovation be accepted?

You did extremely well.

Your thread will be one of the threads that OTHER new hurting BSs are directed to read.

I wanted you to keep it short because I did not anticipate this level of willingness to interact...not only because of the relative lack of effect it often has on the WS but ALSO because of how the rejection of their pain and truth affects the BS who has just been...for lack of a better phrase dissed and dismissed.

It worked out for you and I'm glad you had the opportunity to be really heard.

Wow.

You are the type of woman I hope my son M one day. One who would fight this hard for her family.


wow

And by the way -- this is going to cause MAJOR LB's in affair-land.

This is your time to shine!

I hope that after this weekend you are rejuvinated and ready to resume Plan A.

(I almost feel sorry for him! He's powerless! And I hope you still love him, because he is going to need a woman with your character and strength when he starts to come out of the fog. He's going to be MORTIFIED at what he's put you through...)

That went about as well as could have been expected. I think you did a great job about not losing control of your emotions. Your plan A is definitely getting to him, and he is starting to believe your changes are here to stay. Before my WW agreed to NC (which she coincidently broke again yesterday, but I'll get off my soapbox), it was about 90% WW and 10% W. Lately it has been about 70% W and 30% WW. I think if you keep getting a larger H/WH ratio as time goes by, then your plan is working. If you keep this up a little longer and then go to plan B at the date you had picked out, then you will leave your WH wanting for more. You are setting them up, so you can knock them down later. I think you've got a pretty decent shot.

Truly, people. My life IS a soap opera. Complete with cliff-hangers, jail, sex (well, not for me...don't worry, MEDC), love triangles, a mother who tries to influence her son....

You are all just holding out for the happy ending, right? Will the girl get the boy? Will the boy get his head out of his a$$? Will the girl curb-kick the boy? Will the girl decide to walk out into the middle of an intersection and toss her hat in the air, and go on to live the life of a happy single working girl...with kids? (a'la Mary Tyler Moore for you young'uns...this was before she had all the "work" done)

It seems to me that it went brilliantly. Your instincts are perfect, as always! Honest, open, expressing the emotional pain, all without LBs!

He hugged you for real! Seems like a big step. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fantastic job.

And yes, we all DO want a happy ending for YOU!

~ Marsh

Damn. Is it that obvious?

Can't get a date, don't own a TV, guess I'll stay in and see what LilSis is up to.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />