This will be TMI for all the guys out there

...but PMS is kicking my a$$ again. Drama on Thursday, drama on Friday, drama on Sunday, drama last night...it's all taking its toll.

I think I passed RT as I was rounding the corner to my house on the way home from work. She must have finished up pouring coffee for all the cops who hang out there, flirting and flipping her hair around. I hope the health department does a check and finds out she wears her hair hanging in her face while she's serving. I hope someone sues for finding a hair in their food because she's too VAIN to wear a stinking ponytail or even pull it back. I hope they make her shave her head bald.

Listen to me.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I've always been a cheerful, upbeat person. You know what I mean? Just generally...even when I was a baby, my mom has told me. Happy. Laughing. Always laughing. I'm so tired of not being THAT; not being happy. I'm MOST tired of having NOTHING to look forward to. It seems that EVERYTHING that looms ahead of me is bleak and depressing. Loneliness. Upheaval. Single-parenting. Financial pressures. Health insurance. Boys with no father. Divorce. Attorney bills. Probation. Child care. Community service. Watching WH with RT. These things are all so big and dark that they overshadow the small, self-soothing things I can do for myself.

I've always been an optimist. Whenever things in my life got bad--before--I always KNEW they'd get better. Might get a little worse first, but they'd get better. And--wha-la!--they did. Now, for the first time in my life, I don't feel that anymore. I feel apprehensive. I feel reluctant. I feel fear. I feel dread. The future is scary now. SO much has happened...bad after bad after bad. It just keeps coming. When is it going to be over? My best friend INSISTS that the pendulum can only swing so far...but I keep hanging on to my pendulum here...looking at her as I'm swinging...saying, "okay, GF, when am I going to start swinging back the other direction? Any day now!"

I know. FIGHT. Keep slogging through the $hit. My energy is just low. It helps to put it into words, make it real, get it out there, unload it. Right in your laps. Enjoy.

Oh Sis:

This is where I was going a bit earlier.

In reading the info. about her letter, in the talk last nignt and then seeing her today, I see RT as such an EVIL FORCE..As you already know, she is a BAD, BAD almost DEMONIC PERSON...

Does it help to know that HER AIM, IMO, is for you to be FEELING BAD right now?

For someone like her, it's not good enough to take your H in such a conniving way. She wants to HURT YOU and DESTROY YOU...Not a person that folks like us can understand....

You seem to be coming close to the time when PLAN B is necessary.

However, I just hate to see HER drive you there.

Go out with A BLAST...

I HATE THAT SHE IS GETTING TO YOU..because that is exactly what she is wanting...

She wants YOU TO GIVE UP..thinking that would definitely mean VICTORY for her...

My H tells me...that's what the OW in my situation was counting on....

It's best to stay away from her...

Is there anyway to insure that you don't cross paths with her..not drive her route..not drive by the coffee shop....

Plus, keep in mind that you have suffered A MAJOR LIFE TRAUMA. Your wounds are DEEP.

Are you on an antidepressant? That was a lifesaver for me.

LS, I know exactly how you feel, and please let me assure you that YOU WILL LIVE OVER THIS and come out on the other side. In 1999, I lost my entire family. [H left for OW, son killed and other son moved out] I was previously AN optimistic person and this brought me down - but I got back up. AND SO WILL YOU! There will come a day when you are happy again and live in relative peace, I promise you.

You have been knocked down, but I have every confidence that you will stand back up again. Just put one foot in front of the other and command your body to take you where you need to go. IT WON'T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS!

Ditto with Mel.
I said the same words you are saying now. I was always “perky” happy, upbeat, until
my WH left, and then I cried constantly, I was on Anti-D’s, I lost 40 pounds, all the usual stuff.

But you do get through it. And you will be happy again, and in some ways you will even be happier. There is something about going though this horrible, gut-wrenching trauma, that makes you appreciate little pleasures even more. It sounds like a stupid poem – but it is true. The simplest things now bring me great pleasure.

Even before I went through this, I remember saying that one good thing about getting the flu, is that when you have the flu you feel so HORRIBLE, that when you get better, you are able to totally appreciate just having your health. Just feeling “normal” again becomes a great feeling. (see what a Pollyana I am – I even found the bright side of getting sick!)

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but rest assured, you will be happy again. And if your WH gets his act together, he will be happy again too. The sad reality is that IF your WH does not get his act together, he will not experience happiness again for a long long time. You will watch him continue to decline.

I ended up divorced. But I still found happiness.

I watch my WxH now and it is terribly sad. There is no way that he is happy now. He goes from one empty, broken R to another. He is still convinced that his happiness lies in finding the right person. But I have learned that happiness lies in just being the right person.

ditto

this is a bomb she was willing to drop on you even tho WH told her not to

Pep

Sis,

We fall down. We get up.

That is how it always works.

Today, you are down. Get up.

When you are down, you are EXACTLY where RT wants you. Don't give that b*tch the satisfaction. I have lived through this sh*t too, and more more more...and the one thing I learned, is that when I am down, the person who is making me miserable WINS. And if there's anything all of us reading don't want, is for that RT out there to win!!!! We are pulling for you, praying for you!

Get up. Consider this a long road, a marathon. You have many more miles to walk, and you've taken a moment to sit. Now, get up again. It's okay to cry a moment, to sit a moment, to be down a moment. But don't you dare put that white flag out. GET UP!!!!

We are all here lifting your arms, 10,000 of us strong (what's the visit count on this thread anyway????). We visit your thread, we read, we pray. We are holding your hands in virtual life, and in real life God has your hands in His, and then with ours in prayer. Consider the hands holding yours right now. You can get up!

Get up. We have you. God has you.

You are loved.

SB

Thanks, SB. We must have been on the same wavelength, because I was just thinking of coming on and asking a favor of all you all...even those who don't usually post but keep tabs on my storyline.

So, can I ask a favor of all 10,000 of you? I need your more objective perspectives. I am too close to see anything clearly right now. You've all read everything, heard everything, seen it all.

So, come out of the woodwork, lurkers. Tell me what you think. Give me some reasons...something you've read...that you think should give me HOPE for the recovery of my marriage.

Thank you all in advance. I'm going to go read to DS8 and tuck him in...please don't let me return to the sound of crickets.

>chirp * chirp<

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths"..This carried me through..I have this posted on a stand on my bedroom dresser....

Your best HOPE is to PRAY that God's will is done...and to work THESE PLANS.

STAND against the FORCES OF EVIL...

I feel like you have been BEAT DOWN by her.

How can we get your FIGHT BACK?

when you spoke to SH

he asked you about your "energy level"

if you feel this low after the hormonal wave passes over you

you ought to call SH back so he can assess your readiness to go to Plan B ... to protect your love and yourself

adultery is toxic to the soul
everyone it touches gets sick

some of today's earlier discussion was more appropriate for RECOVERY phase... too soon, way too soon for that

you are still in Plan A

what is next on your list for Plan A?

Pep

LilSis,

I COMPLETELY understand about the PMS; since this tough battle began for me, my PMS has become a time of HIGH drama within myself. STOP in your tracks and remind yourself that your bodies state is not static, and that the PMS will pass, and your strength and clarity will resume. Give yourself a break...

DO NOT let this RT win, either. REMEMBER, she is [email]D@MNED[/email] insecure, play on that. You see someone who is in control! PAH--OW is not in control, not of anyone but herself, just as you have control over yourself.

Breathe for a moment, as SB said, this is a marathon. You need to hydrate, nourish, breath, and start counting cadence to your every step. Listen to the cadence that people are setting for you here, one day at a time, breathe in, step, one day at a time, breath out, step. If you've ever been a runner or watched a military formation marching, it's all a cadence, a rhythm...Find YOUR rhythm.

******, find a theme song, like, oh, I dunno, "I'm a survivor" or something that inspires you. Read an inspirational lyric, or poem, or book, take on it's cadence...

You get the point.

Hang in there. I think you are almost to Plan B...



Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-- Dylan Thomas

Where are you, lurkers? You can't all be glued to the State of the Union...IS THERE NO HOPE? You've been reading all this time and you can't find one grain of hope to share with me when I ask?

And as for my faithful, ardent supporters who continue to hang in here with me, and have posted...thanks. You are right, mimi. She did beat me down. I do need to get my fight back. I'm hoping it is just the "hormonal wave." Usually it just lasts a couple of days, so I'll have a better idea tomorrow if this is just a little slump or a free fall. Maybe it's just worse this month because of all the stress of last week.

One way to get my fight back is to have a plan. My lack of energy has stumped my creativity about...and enthusiasm for...the "excitement" of Plan A. So maybe I just need someone to point me in a direction and tell me what to do, so I don't have to think about it, at least until I have more energy.

Tomorrow could be a rose day? I will probably run into WH again heading out to meet RT for breakfast if I stop by in the AM, so should I go later in the day? Should I include a note telling him why I am continuing to give him the roses even though he asked me to stop...or does the action speak for itself?

Just tell me what to do, okay? and I'll do it. I just don't want to have to think too much right now. Kind of let the Plan A go on autopilot for a couple of days?

LilSis,

This road seems to have a lot of speed bumps that seems to slow the process down, just when one would thinks the road is clear... bump!
Hugs, Midol, and a hot water bottle to you!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

PGA

we are hear.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think you need to do something to recharge your batteries you need to detach for a day or two, just because you take some me time doesn't mean your still doing a stellar plan A. You need to regroup, you have been on such a road march with you WH that its running you ragged inside and out. If you drop of for a few days and don't engage it wont ruin anything you have done.... it might help, it would be a taste of what to come if you go into plan B.

I think someone said it already but really I think your WH wont come around until PLAN B, doesn't mean your ready for it. I think your right in your analysis that RT would say look she was just being nice because of court, but you don't have to stay in plan a for to much longer.

Remember this no matter when you do plan B she is going to turn it on you, REMEMBER it doesn't matter once you have made the leap into PLAN B YOU DO NOT CARE what they think.

So get some rest, eat some chocolate and have a good night

I'm still holding out hope there will be google eyed panties.

[and still trying to contrive a reason to make my own]

I offer you the words of one of my all-time favorite Petra Songs - Stand in the Gap

There's no feeling
Like when you have a friend in need
Their heart is wounded -
And you can feel your own heart bleed
And you wonder
Will they pull through this attack
You feel so helpless - you want to be fighting back
Don't think it's over - don't pull away
It's time to stand in - it's time to pray
Set the wheels in motion
With your devotion

Stand in the gap
Coming boldly to His throne of grace
Stand in the gap
He will hear you when you seek His face
Put your weapon to its use
And believe it will produce
Stand in the gap
Until all ******...
Until all ****** breaks loose

In the conflict
It seems like He doesn't hear
Be encouraged - He still has an open ear
It's not for nothing
It's not in vain
Make your petitions
Call on His name
He will bring assistance
Through your persistance

The enemy is gonna have to fold his hand
When the army of the Lord begins to take command
Nothing in the heavens or the earth can stand
Against the fervent prayer of a righteous man

Tomorrow go to your church when it is empty and talk to God. Pray to Mary to hold your hand and show you the way. I am also Catholic. We were never taught to pray original thoughts and talk to God, just pray standard prayers. I am here to tell you that if you ask God and the Holy Spirit to help WH and ask Mary to guide you, you will feel 1000 times better. Picture God in a big throne and you laying WH at his feet while asking him to intercede. I did this hatibually and cried and felt worlds better giving it to Him. You can do this at home, too. It felt better for me to do this in the chapel surrounded by the statuary, candles, etc.

Did I read that the RT letter was dated in January, not at the time of the incident? If so, does WH know this. I think it would be a very important piece of information that he needs. Again it shows that even after time together, she deliberately defied his wants. She is sneaky and not forthcoming. She is not in tandem with him. He will eventually see this for what it is with all of the information you can provide.

I will keep praying for you Sis.

mmmmm, I'm with VR, eat some chocolate, mmmmmmmmmmmyummy...

"Where are you, lurkers? You can't all be glued to the State of the Union...IS THERE NO HOPE? You've been reading all this time and you can't find one grain of hope to share with me when I ask?"


LilSis,

I see a lot more than just hope in your sitch. I saw you nearing a crash, but I didn't think it was this imminent. Did you know that I rarely post? And I posted about it (badly, and was misunderstood....even Lemonguy came out of the woodwork to make fun of me).

I hesitate to answer your plea because I am divorcing. But, I know two, maybe three, things from my experience that I can share with you. And Sourguy can even make fun of me if I express it badly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you want me to post it?

SUSAN, whom I love & respect has suggested a path for Plan A ~~~> spend as much time as possible with your H

because it causes stress in A-land

so besides roses or bras or poetry ... which I think you need to do as YOU see fit

start needing WH to drop by on a daily basis

CALL him ... and tell him you need him to come by, you feel frightened and need his support

LS: I am asking a favor.
WH: (reluctantly) what is it?
LS: I am so frightened.
WH: what?
LS: I am frightened. Please help me.
WH: what do you want?
LS: please, come by and talk to me, I am so scared of the future, my mind is just going a thousand miles an hour ... what if? what if?
WH: I don't think that's a good idea
LS: I need you, please help me

he'll show up
let him see some more of your genuine sadness and fear from time to time

100 bucks says RT is telling WH that you don't really want/need HIM ... she is a lying snake who says you will be just fine if you just accept "them"

so fight back with reality
things are NOT OK
this hurts
he can help soothe your pain with a hug, some time at a park, going for a walk

Pep