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Don't know. I SUSPECT that she made moves on a former neighbor (her best friend's husband), but they moved away at almost the exact same time she and WH started up. But according to WH, she's never BEEN with anyone but he and her STBX (can anyone hear the harp music for angelic RT?)
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Are you guys saying that you pretend to admire everything about your H? It almost sounds like kids who are praise addicts, whose "self esteem" has to constantly be be stroked with praise that isn't earned. To me, self esteem comes from actually accomplishing SOMETHING. No one ever said to "pretend to admire everything about one's spouse." The goal of Plan A is to demonstrate to the WS a willingness to meet his needs. That does not mean that you REWARD the WS for shabby behavior and no one has ever suggested any such thing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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LS, do you have His Needs, Her Needs?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HNHN will help this make more sense to you. Another superb book is Fall in Love, STAY in Love. But HNHN will help you understand the direct connection between meeting needs and falling in love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Before I respond to you, I want to stress to ALL that I am just regurgitating what Dr. Harley clearly explains and states in his ADMIRATION CHAPTER in HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. I would refer any who are confused about what I'm TRYING to say to that chapter. GO TO THE SOURCE OF WHAT I BELIEVE IN AND TRY TO ADHERE TO. It has worked for US and I have NEVER, EVER BEEN HAPPIER IN MY WHOLE LIFE! Ok now, that being said... But from what you were saying last night, I should not expect that I can have MY NEEDS met That does sound argumentative, Sis. Come on? Read back over my response to you. Of course, you should expect to get YOUR NEEDS met in order to have a happy marriage. We are helping you to get there and on into recovery. This is a PLAN to get you to that point. You are not there yet. IMO, the unmet needs in marriages make them vulnerable to affairs. That is the MB belief system which I adhere to... Does admiration mean never disagreeing with him? Does it mean that I can’t express myself if he behaves in a way that I DO NOT admire—because that doesn’t sound very open and honest? NO but it does mean NOT being DISRESPECTFUL of him, expecting him to believe the same as you. Of course, you will be HONEST about YOUR FEELINGS but don't cut him down for not feeling the same as you..nor should he do the same....I often DISAGREE with my H but I make it clear that I am sharing MY FEELINGS and he is OPEN TO HIS OPINION....I RESPECT HIS OPINION. Can’t I just love him and admire him for who he is, for his strength and intelligence and integrity, even for his vulnerabilities? Yes. This is what I am saying BUT it will feel awful to have YOU POINT OUT HIS WEAK PARTS to HIM especially if he is insecure. However…what I’m trying to determine is if our ENs are MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. If he requires admiration to the DEGREE that I have to be DISHONEST…that’s a dealbreaker, it’s not a real marriage. Maybe I’m not being clear….I don’t know quite how to articulate it. Maybe my question is…can Admiration (his need) and Conversation (my need) coexist? Because Admiration is one way, and conversation is two way. It's about EMOTIONAL NEEDS. I don't think that you are understanding the MB BASIC CONCEPTS. In a happy marriage, you will meet his needs and he will meet yours. It's that SIMPLE in terms of an explanation..but this is what you will need to WORK TOWARDS in RECOVERY. Clearly, this has not been the nature of your marriage prior to the affair. Maybe my question is…does it come naturally… NO WAY...According to MB and Steve Harley to me: LOVE IS A VERB. If you do not DELIBERATELY WORK ON MEETING EACH OTHERS EMOTIONAL NEEDS, THERE WILL NOT BE LOVE DEPOSITS AND LOVE WILL DIE. Meet each others ENs and LOVE WILL GROW. I believe this and agree with this wholeheartedly..1000%. is it possible to be honest with someone who thrives chiefly on admiration? ABSOLUTELY. That's the thing. I AM HONEST. THE OW WAS NOT. MY H CAME TO REALIZE THAT SHE WAS A PHONY, SAYING WHAT HE WANTED TO HEAR. SHE LURED HIM THAT WAY. However, he is OPEN AND HONEST WITH ME NOW ABOUT HOW I CAN STING HIM WITH MY CRITICISM.... and I stop myself and REWORD WHAT I'M SAYING AND EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS TO HIM IN A WAY THAT IS NOT EMOTIONALLY PAINFUL TO HIM. He is OPEN AND HONEST with me when I begin ORDERING HIM AROUND AND TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO. I can hear him now: "Back off....I don't need for you to tell me that right now.." Following the RULE OF HONESTY.
Last edited by mimi1254; 01/23/07 01:09 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Sis: I want you to get off of this and get back to WORKING YOUR PLAN. This is ALL so well-explained in HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. For example, p. 158: You need a plan to help you express true feelings of admiration. That means no word games, nothing phony, only true, honest feelings. p. 164 Remember that a man really needs appreciation. He thrives on it... Don't make your husband go outside your marriage for approval; he needs the perspective your appreciation gives him. That does not mean that you have to fake it with him and tell him you love something that drives you wild, but work with him on the needs you must both fulfill, setting up a STRATEGY that builds admiration...GENTLY AND PATIENTLY ENCOURAGE YOUR HUSBAND TO MEET YOUR NEEDS BY TELLING HIM HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THE CHANGES YOU SEE.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I'm looking at this STRICTLY BEHAVIORALL now and you know by now that I'm not trying to be MEAN.
Whether you like it or not, ADMIRATION CLEARLY IS A PRIMARY EN of your WH'S? Do you want to develop a PLAN TO MEET THIS NEED MORE EFFECTIVELY OR NOT?
If so, if you are eventually recovered, he will also begin to MEET YOUR PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS....
The question is DO YOU LOVE HIM? enough to DO this?
Is the same as: Are you willing to go on a diet or exercise program to lose weight even though you'd much prefer to eat as you like
Last edited by mimi1254; 01/23/07 01:34 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I'm getting it mimi, I really am. It is just the clarification that I needed...I wasn't appreciating the fact that this admiration came from a place of HONESTY AND TRUTH. Since that is the case, then I am totally on board.
Do you understand how--to someone who has not read HNHN--this whole issue of admiration can sound contrived, like it might mean "blowing sunshine"? That's where I was coming from...please don't interpret it as being arugmentative. I really have to process this stuff, and process, and process. Call me slow.
Sounds like HNHN would be an excellent resource.
Back to my PLAN...what next, troops? I'm feeling discouraged.
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double posted again I LOVE H. I married H. I made a vow and a lifelong commitment to H. I have forsaken all others, will endure sickness and health, etc. for H. Absolutely I WANT to meet H's needs...and have my own needs met as part of that process...like symbolism of the wedding ring, not ending...you know? But I haven't seen H in such a very long time... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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Upon re-reading, I guess I didn't answer your question. Yes, I want a plan. Because as I said previously, unless I have a plan to help him find his way out of the fog, I will never know if WE can do this, if there is a WE left. (FWH and I, together)
Understand what I mean?
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I'd rather do this than go on a diet. Ugh. I've done the emaciated thing. Remember, I'm trying to GROW as a person... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Trying to lighten this up a little now???
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So when is his next contact with you?
Had you thought about showing up ALONE at the ILs OR asking him to meet with you THERE to TALK..that he owes you the courtesy to at least meet with you ONE ON ONE to talk about SOME THINGS...?
I will try to catch up with what happened on Friday.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I realized later that using the weight loss analogy with you was not a good idea.
Last edited by mimi1254; 01/23/07 01:43 PM.
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So when is his next contact with you?
Had you thought about showing up ALONE at the ILs OR asking him to meet with you THERE to TALK..that he owes you the courtesy to at least meet with you ONE ON ONE to talk about SOME THINGS...?
I will try to catch up with what happened on Friday. I agree. He does owe you that courtesy and you have the right to ask for it. Plus, you have very legitimate things to discuss. I would push for One on One time w/ him.
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Quote:
The question is DO YOU LOVE HIM? enough to DO this?
Is the same as: Are you willing to go on a diet or exercise program to lose weight even though you'd much prefer to eat as you like
Incidentally my answer to this line of questioning is no.
If I don't agree with it I'm not going to do it.
So if my H had a high EN for some area that I wasn't willing to compromise on we would have to deal with that incompatability one way or another.
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once ~Shakespeare
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I did ask in an email last night that we get together on Friday morning (he's off, I'm off, kids are in school) to discuss the kids, their schedule, how changes in my work schedule will impact them.
If I showed up unannounced he would interpret that as disrespect.
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I did ask in an email last night that we get together on Friday morning (he's off, I'm off, kids are in school) to discuss the kids, their schedule, how changes in my work schedule will impact them. PERFECT!!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Still reading...
IMO, there's no way that CUNNING AND MANIPULATIVE RT allowed your H to read that letter...
And as someone said...she will get hers in the end...
"THOU PREPAREST A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MINE ENEMIES"....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Keep in mind that RT's aim is to FwithU..THE LETTER...PUTTING THOSE COATS ON YOUR BOYS...
She wants you to RETALIATE..break the court order..create DRAMA...
She is continuing to be COLD, CALCULATED, MANIPULATIVE AND CUNNING....
Yes, your WH is supporting her...DUH
But she is NOT BEING HONEST WITH HIM BY ANY MEANS AND SHE IS FIGHTING YOU in any way that she can....
Keep on the lookout for her...
CONTINUE TO FIGHT....
Mimi..who knows such a woman oh so well....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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