LilSis

(((LS))

LG

Okay...WH left his gloves here last night, and DS8 left his backpack in the truck. I thought this was quite fortuitious (sp?) so I took the gloves with me, dropped the kids off at school and made the run to the ILs to drop off the gloves.

He wasn't there. It's only 8:30. I suppose he probably spent the night with RT, since Wednesday is her night off...maybe her kids stay with her STBX?? I was SMART enough not to drive past her house on my way back to my house (she lives between ILs and my house...all within a square mile of each other). I did drive past the coffee shop...I know mimi...but neither his truck or her stupid minivan were there.

When I arrived back home I called him, got VM and told him I had his gloves and wondered about DS8's backpack.

I had a great thank you speech worked out.

"I want to thank you again for last night, for being my hero. In the space of about 20 minutes, you took out the garbage, took care of the recycling, shoveled the driveway, carried down the overflowing basket of dirty clothes, de-wormed the cat, and most importantly, you were there for me when I needed someone to grieve my dad with me. I really needed that, and you were the only person who could do that for me."

WH really, really admired my dad...loved him even.

Kind of a bummer that I didn't get to make that speech this moring...I'll save it for this afternoon I guess...and it's kind of a bummer to think that he's getting his fix already, which means I probably won't get H this afternoon, I'll just get WH. He will have been all poisoned against me before he gets here. RT will make quite sure of that.

Darn. When I went by the ILs, I could have gone on to the back porch to see if he got the roses. That would have told me if he ever went home last night. I probably don't need to know, though, do I.

Ten bucks says he doesn't call at all about the backpack or the gloves.

If he didn't get the roses last night they will be all frozen there on the back porch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sis, try not to think about him getting his fix. Could be that after the heartfelt interactions with you last night, he may not have enjoyed his fix at all. I picture him being distant with her after being with you (think positive) and not being able to tell her why.

Do you have any anti anxiety meds? If not, you can get some Kava Kava at the health food store to relax you before your meeting tonight. It will take the edge off so that you don't inadvertently say something you would rather not. Try to visualize this meeting and consider responses in advance to what might be said by him. Play out some scenerios in your head so you will be as prepared as you possibly can be. Professional atheletes do this visualization technique to improve their game. Game on (although I unfortunately know THIS IS NOT A GAME, this is your life).

LilSis:

Good speech. I would have left it on the VM.

And cc1 is right. His interactions with you prior to leaving were on his mind.

And guess what? If he was going to RT's, he could have done the drop and go. But he stayed behind.... Worming the cat, taking out the garbage and shovelling snow. Yes, maybe he wasn't going to meet RT till later. So he had the time. But RT's kids were with her STBXH, so your WH should have been chomping at the bit to go get his fix.

And he didn't. He stayed behind.

And he was left with this as he went off to RT:


Not a screaming, pre-Plan A LilSis. The one who needs her H back and is showing him the way home....

Yes, as LG is saying, try to keep your focus on only YOU and HIM. Thoughts of HER of HER AND HIM will poison your mind, poison your attitude. Try to maintain your FAITH in YOURSELF and in your ability to be the LIGHTHOUSE because that is CLEARLY what you are..a BEACON GLOWING..that he cannot avoid...you are definitely ATTRACTING HIM to the point that he can't easily leave without a TINGE of feeling that he is ABANDONING YOU, not living up to his responsibility as a husband and father..that TINGE is a tiny, tiny, tiny break in the FOG..but it is a BREAK....

THis is a MENTAL EXERCISE that I KNOW is difficult..but necessary..because YOU ARE WINNING BATTLE AFTER BATTLE...

I agree with LG now on awaiting the meeting without the boys. Your H will find it difficult, if not impossible, to ABANDON HIS FAMILY. It is important to talk about OUR SONS and OUR FAMILY..as Pep is indicating..THE POWER OF SUGGESTION...

I think the primary need that she is meeting is ADMIRATION as we have spoken so much about...It is simply WONDERFUL that he recognizes that you are GETTING IT now...SF comes in second...

And did you notice my encouragement for you NOT to talk about her tonight...I think it's tonignt...because that will build up his defenses and she has probably prepared him for this....

Yep. It's this afternoon, about 3. As expected, he did not return my phone call. Getting high, I'm sure.

Our agreement was to talk about the boys, as well as about my being "overwhelmed" with my responsibilities around the home and the prospect of me working more hours and the impact on both the boys and my well-being. I intend to stick to those topics so as to gain his trust and to demonstrate that I can be respectful of our agreement. No intention of bringing up RT. She doesn't exist.

Maybe I will throw in a very quick, funny, flirtatious remark...we'll see how it goes; it will be a judgement call.

The boys should be up in the attic (WH said, "we can send the boys upstairs"), so even though they are in the house, WH and I will have some semblance of privacy. Happy medium.

I am making chix/wild rice soup and gingersnaps, so he will of course be invited to dinner. I am making them now so that we can plan to eat early...if he declines I'll send him home with some.

A thought occurred this morning....one that appealed to me. Do you suppose that one of the reasons that RT is so BENT on "destroying" me...going to lengths to hurt me...because she is in fact THREATENED by me? Do you think she feels insecure about WH and his level of committment to her? So she hopes to "eliminate the competition" by having me tossed in jail and recieve a harsh sentence? Neither of which of course actually ERASE me, but they sure beat me down, get me wanting to quit or get me to unleash some venom that drives WH back to her?

Could it be that she might see some cracks in WH? i hope i hope i hope

I think it serves you well NOT to talk about OW.

You know she is asking him about you and your interactions w/ him.

Early on did he say, "Lilsis is acting so nice to me...I wonder why??" to her?

I wonder what she said to him.

At first your WH didn't trust your "niceness"... He may have believed whatever she told him was the reason for it...or perhaps she told him not to expect it to last....

But it has. And your WH trusts it....trusts you.

I wonder how much he's telling her about you now.

I bet she's asking. I'll bet she's badmouthing you...

But, he doesn't believe it.

Maybe he's DEFENDING you to her.

He's warming up to you.

I think your choice to ignore her...pretend she doesn't exist was a WISE choice. Stick w/ it.

~ Marsh

Did I do okay last night, mimi?

Ofcourse she feels threatend by you.
You are still his wife....the mother of his boys. She will try to convince herself she has the power,
but I think she is afraid that he will realize he can have the whole package w/ you.....something he can never have w/ her.
YOU have the real power...once his head clears and he sees you as a woman again.

You ARE her biggest threat

All OW inherently know this

If and when you get to Plan B, this works for you because the OW finally thinks and feels comfortable and begins to show their true colors because they beleive they have finally gotten rid of you....their primary competition.

They do not understand the concept of consoling their married man as he goes through withdrawal from you and the love busters commence.

Mr. W

EVERY OW to a MM feels threatened by the wife

any exception is the rare professional OW who wants to keep the MM MARRIED

but RT is NOT an exception

this is what SUSAN told you
when she was OW she went NUTZ whenever MM was spending family time

keep it up

todays word ~~~> hero ... try to work it into tonight's conversation

Pep

from Wikipedia....

From the Greek word;, in mythology and folklore, a hero (male) or heroine (female) usually fulfills the definitions of what is considered good and noble in the originating culture. Typically the willingness to sacrifice the self for the greater good is seen as the most important defining characteristic of a hero <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. However, in literature, particularly in tragedy, the hero may also have serious flaws which lead to a downfall , e.g. Hamlet. Such heroes are often called tragic heroes.

This is a CUNNING, MANIPULATIVE OW...

She knows her stuff...

So if she's like the OW in my situation..She is NOT talking about you..because it goes the same..she is SLICK enough to know that this may bring him to YOUR DEFENSE. She does not want him to THINK about you. She is BUSY with her CHARMS..creating a FANTASYLAND..I know YUCK..Let her have at it because THIS CAN'T LAST when they are together 24/7...

So her SCHEMES against you are kept SECRET from him..she is presenting herself as the VICTIM..because

Your WH is SENSITIVE, Sis. He is EMPATHETIC to HURT FEELINGS. This cunning OW knows this..so she is presenting herself as SWEET AND KIND....

Because in the end, one of you has to be HURT. Your H being sensitive will not want to hurt her if she presents herself that way. That's what the OW in my situation did..so up to the end of withdrawal, my H felt guilty about what he did to HER..he has come to SEE HER FOR WHO SHE IS NOW...but that was the LAST BIT of the fog to go...

What she would want you to do is to be the B word and angry. Showing your FEELING SIDE last night was WONDERFUL....This is like a SWORD into the SIDE of the OW....The more vulnerable and open about your needfulness you are, the better..because this is what she is playing up big time, trying to present herself as different than you in this regard...So now, HE WILL ALSO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HURTING, YOU, TOO>.Because you also NEED HIM...

She wants to DESTROY you and HURT you because she is SELFISH and NARCISSISTIC and wants YOUR HUSBAND...

AND yes as I said before she wants you to GET ANGRY again...

That's what the OW in my situation resented and regretted about me. I didn't get to "beat her butt" like you did (in a way) ... like I wanted to and tried to... My H shielded her from me the two times that I tried to get to her..but all the other time, with support of the folks here, I was able to remain in MY PLANS....

You are managing all of this crap so REMARKABLY AND WONDERFULLY, Sis..I sit back in AMAZEMENT, recalling how I did the stuff that you are doing and wondering how the heck it was at all possible..IT'S MIRACULOUS..There is NO DOUBT that GOD is with YOU..is with US ALL...

LilSis:

You will KNOW if it is the right time for this:



I would recommend towards the end of the meeting, You want your H to be comfortable around you again, because your judgement so far has been right on!

As for this:

Big Time. If your not around, Then WH is all hers. Now that you have the PLAN to win back your H, she is very threatened.

Which brings up your final thought:



RT will pick these cracks faster than you will see them. Because he is talking to her, OK? But he will be talking to her about YOU. And his FAMILY. And your FATHER. And worming the cat, and taking his kids to church, etc all things that are not about RT. LB's are coming to fantasyland...

Remember, these are seeds, we are starting to see some growth, just some more sunshine from you and you will be seeing alot of growth!

LG

I doubt this, LG...

He wants it to REMAIN A FANTASYLAND..to keep getting the DRUG...

That is the lure of the A..a HAVEN FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD...

He doesn't dare want to get her angry by talking about Sis' father..OMG, NO!!!

The LBing occurs when she tries TO GET HIM TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE..teehee...

And he will LIE to her about it...because their whole relationship is founded on LIES AND DECEIT...

He will say what HE THINKS SHE WANTS TO HEAR...

I agree 100%.

He's talking to her about you, the kids, the cat....all of it.

And she can't be happy about ANY of it.

If she can't control herself from stealing another woman's husband, how is she going to control her temper about these "cozy family get togethers"?

Especially when she believes she has "the power" over your H...why would she need to watch what she says to him?

The fog is not helping her perspective either.

~ Marsh

I agree that he is probably w/holding SOME of it...but not enough that OW won't be able to worry about what MIGHT be happening.

I believe there will be LBing happening in their A.

~ Marsh

Mimi:

I think Marsh and I can talk about this one, cuz we were on that side.

We can be with the OP, and our mind will drift to what we should be doing.... Home, Family, etc...

When OP looks at us and asks: "Are you thinking about "Fill in one of the above".... then the LB'ing starts from OP.

And WS is lying to the OP! Because they can't say what they want to say! About how good the cookies were! or how good they felt helping out!

So, we are creating conflict in WH. And that what we want to do, right?

I'm busy cooking up a storm, but while I was doing so I was on the phone with MIL (multi-tasking, you know). She thinks God is working...she knows he works only for good....she sees the good that has come to me, herself, FIL, BILs...all of us waking to to what is REALLY important in life...developing closer relationships with God and with each other. WH will just be the last one to be blessed with that, the last to arrive, because he has the longest journey.

If WH does say anything to RT about what he does here, what we talk about, it will be very vague and "no big deal." He will white-wash it. I know because I've been on the recieving end of that kind of talk....he's good at it.

But she knows this, too.....


BTW...RT HATES cats. WH loves them. RT has a "designer" dog that she spent big bucks for. Our dog is a stray who showed up one night and never left (so are our cats).