But Plan B is *not* about "letting go".

Plan B is about YOU taking control of the whole wretched situation.

That's why it works.

Do you really not see the difference?
Mulan

Plan B is the ultimate battle of wills. Your will to not communicate with your WH and save your M against his will to get you to be a happy coparent and make it easy for him to leave you. Plan B is quite empowering and is the ultimate act of control over you WH. Imagine, you being able to completely shut him out of your life forever (if he doesn't end his A). He doesn't want to lose you, he just wants to be able to screw around with RT and have everybody be happy. Once he realizes that you will NEVER accept him into your life as long as RT is around, he will CAVE, I promise! He doesn't even realize how much he needs you because you are always there plan Aing him, so he takes you for granted. He'll be left feeling empty without you, and that will clue him in as to what he needs to do.

Maybe you've seen this before. I pull it out every once in a while to reread and remind myself.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

The story is told of a mountain climber, who was desperate to conquer Mount Aconcagua in Argentina. He initiated his climb after years of preparation. Wanting all of the glory for himself, he went up alone.

He started climbing and climbed all day. It was becoming later and later. Wanting to make the climb in a single day, he kept going. Soon it got dark......very dark. Visibility was zero. Everything was black. There was no moon, and dark clouds covered the stars.

As he was climbing a ridge, he slipped and fell. He felt a terrible sensation of being sucked down by gravity. He kept falling.....and in those anguishing seconds, good and bad memories passed through his mind. He thought for sure that he would die. But then he felt a jolt around his waist that almost tore him in half. Like any good mountain climber he had staked himself with a long rope.

In those moments of stillness, suspended in the air with the rope tied around his waist he had no other choice but to shout, "HELP ME GOD", "HELP ME!" All of a sudden, just like the good God that He is, the man heard the answer to his prayer.

A deep voice from heaven spoke....."What do you want me to do?"
"SAVE ME", he pleaded.
"Do you REALLY believe I can save you?"
"OF COURSE, MY GOD!"
God replied, "Then according to your faith, cut the rope." There was another moment of silence and stillness. The man gasped and just held tighter to the rope.

The next day, a rescue team found the frozen mountain climber hanging from a rope just above a wide ledge....

TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND.

Do we really believe that God can save us? I know, the rope is tangible. We can feel the rope. We think we know what our chances are with the rope. But, God has great and marvelous things for us. What ever it is, why don't you let it go?

CUT THE ROPE AND SIMPLY TRUST IN HIM....

THE DREAMS OF MY FUTURE HAVE NO ROOM FOR THE DEVISTATION OF MY PAST.

PS - I gave up trying to control things I have no control over for lent. It's a struggle! [color:"red"] [/color]

Jim: Thanks for checking back in. I still keep one of your earlier posts (around Christmas Eve) in my purse. It was a good one.

I DO...but it FEELS like letting go....??? It's that DARN head vs. heart thing again. Intellectually, I know exactly what Plan B is and why it works. Emotionally, it FEELS like letting go, giving everything up. Again, Arrrgh!!!

But it does feel like it is all coming to a head, and this won't go on MUCH longer ("much longer" being relative, of course). It's going to break eventually, one way or the other. Maybe therein lies the source of my anxiety??

NEAK: did you mean mid-MAY?? (please say no, it was a typo and you meant March)

I agree with Neak; due to the circumstances that she articulated, a longer Plan A is/was needed. I can squeak through these next 13 days (who's counting) on a wing and (many) prayers. Just hang on. Then WH will be gone for 10 or so days for a MUCH NEEDED respite on my part. WH will also be getting a HUGE dose of parental disapproval the WHOLE time he's there.

By the time he comes back, we'll be towards the end of March. Within 2-3 weeks of that, WH will need to be out of his parent's house AND he's expecting the D to be final...having never engaged in ANY negotiations with me or our attorneys, of course (D's are just granted in A-land, nevermind all those pesky details).

The Great Confluence will have occurred.

That's prime time for Plan B. It's just a matter of how long I can take this without losing my mind.

13 days, 13 days....

And I am NOT NOT NOT talking about big-time Plan A...I'm just talking about being friendly, sincere and "open." No more panties, no more roses, no more letters. Just smile, be pleasant and a quick "love you" when we part ways...just so he knows I'm still in this ball game.

No wearing myself out trying to admire him or show affection. Just be my best ME.

Sis,




This is the BEST Plan A action I have EVER heard!

If anything will bring WS home, THAT is they key!

Because that is what Plan A is truly about - The Best You!

This is what he will think of when he remembers all of the other Plan A "things" you did - - They were done by the BEST LIL SIS there ever was!

Plus, this is something you CAN easily do, because it is NATURAL and for REAL. You ARE the BEST!

God bless!

This is probably a bad idea...

Sis, you've already given your WH SIX roses, haven't you?

Well, since you've cut out the roses for the remainder of your Plan A, how would you feel about doing this on the day you give him your Plan B letter? Leave the 57 roses on that very day...maybe even WITH the Plan B letter?

I TOLD you it was probably a bad idea...

Did I say May? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I did say May. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I meant March. Whew!

Seeing your timeline, I am thinking that you could go to Plan B within a day or two of him getting back.

Being a lover of fireworks, the actual explosive kind and not the drama kind, I love the all-out frenzy at the end.

Not that I want to see you in a frenzy, but after going easy now and then having a break then, I would recommend stepping up your Plan A efforts for a few days up to about a week after he gets back, and just when he is as happy as it's possible for him to be, the lights all go out.

At first, he might be relieved, I supposed. Maybe, and only at first. Within a week he will be missing you and getting cranky with her, if for no other reason than she is not you. Then all this other stuff looms up at him, but he can't do what most waywards would do, because she has to protect her spousal support. That is an ideal setup for rock bottom, and you want to not be there when it happens.

The disadvantage I would see to waiting all the way into April all the way at the last minute, is you want him missing you already before he gets overwhelmed with the rest, so his feelings for you don't get lost in the shuffle.

I don't think it would make any difference in the long run, either way, but in the short run, it might maybe hopefully speed the process to an end a little sooner.

If I am wrong I am wrong, but I don't think you will have to do a terribly long Plan B. I don't say this to get your hopes up that he will come home by a particular date, but to encourage you to think seriously about R, in case you don't have long to prepare.

What would he need to do to help you feel safe? What would he have to do to show you he is being honest now? What extraordinary precautions would be a prerequisite for him coming back? What boundaries do you need?

Do you see the shift in priorities? For him to come back, it is all about you - your boundaries, your safety, your reassurance, and what is HE doing to help you? This if because you have all the power (lol) at that point.

"Will I go back to her?" is gone forever, and all that is left is, "Will she let me come back to her?"

I like the rose idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You could even give him the roses minus one, and tell him you are saving that one at home for him, and will give it to him WHEN (not if) the A ends and he comes home.

Then press it and keep it.

Are we a bunch of sappy romantics, or what?

LilSis:

I would recommend that you rock his socks off until he leaves.

If he hates you, it doesn't matter. And if he never comes back, It doesn't matter.

But the fight matters for you.

He noticed your changes under Plan A.

He is off-balance now, but not really sure where you are.

Plan A or B. In between = Passivity

Passivity = Acceptance.

And acceptance will grind to Plan D even in Affair land.

Plan B is about removing the sighs and smirks and the daily angst of dealing with an alien.

Plan A is putting up with that and showing the WH that there is a better way.

In between equals acceptance.

And no silver bullets.

Husband accepts, or leaves. And he is wayward.

Through and through.

LS, YOU have been great, and if WH doesn't get it, he doesn't get it. Got it?

LG

I like the rose idea as well ... start Plan B with a flourish (flowerish)

Pep

Sis, this is not true. You didn't piss me off and I don't remember you telling us to shut up...

Are you kidding in this post?



Spinning from what, Sis? I don't see the big deal.

This is just me but I'm finding it difficult to understand you...but please understand that you don't have to explain yourself to me...

I'm sad for you that you decided to STOP YOUR PLAN A..and I don't agree that what you are doing is particularly PLAN A....

Your PLAN A does need to include lots of ADMIRATION and APPRECIATION of him, IMO...

I don't see how that could hurt nor do I understand why that would be so difficult for you to do...that's because I have confidence in your capacity to do this...

I understand though that you are saying that you need to do this YOUR WAY..

Do you want to have YOUR WAY or do you want to work on RECOVERY of your marriage?

MY OPINION....

Ooh, is it the BME (crack) and going blind post? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

my personal favorite was the wh*re bombing post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

that was Jim, wasn't it?

LG is saying what I am saying in a NICER WAY..without all the questioning of you that I was doing...

JUST DO IT..PLAN A...

I think Plan B most certainly involves a great deal of letting go.

It means letting go of the hope that the WS will 'see the light' if the BS does a really spectacular Plan A.

It means letting go of the desperate need to hold onto the marriage at all costs.

It means letting go of the vision of the marriage that the BS thought they had.

It means letting go of the illusion that this is all just a temporary aberration.

It means letting go of the sense of oneself as a loved and loveable person. Plan B is seen by the WS as an act of war, and the BS is seen as the enemy.

Many BSs never muster the courage to let go of these things. How many people have we seen here who drift into a permanent Plan A, doormats to the death, afraid of losing what hope they have?

Plan B gives the BS control, but it takes courage to let go of hope.

Plan B is going from a Buyer's agreement to a Renter's agreement (the WS remains in a Freeloader's agreement)

so
in that sense, it is a letting go

I couldn't go into Plan B if I LET GO of HOPE. I saw PLAN B as THE ONLY HOPE for Recovery of my marriage. I LET GO OF MY WH..but I didn't LET GO OF HOPE...

MY MANTRA WAS: ACCEPT THE REALITY OF TODAY BUT MAINTAIN HOPE FOR THE FUTURE...So I took it day to day...

But if I am a basket case who has lost all respect for this person to whom I am married, then it does matter. If I've been kicked in the face and rejected so many times that I lose faith in myself, then it does matter. And if I WERE to fall apart, it would matter either way...in terms of picking myself up to move on with my life alone, or in attempting to recover with WH.

If I could rock his socks off, I would. But I'm too tired. And I am not at all certain that the over-the-top stuff is particularly effective with MY WH. I think I got further with just being warm, funny, and friendly. I am who I am. I've shown him my changes and my willingness to change. Clearly, clearly...I am NOT the same person I was...I could not be after everything I've been through. I can only show him my best self. Be honest, loving, compassionate, happy, and open to forgiveness.

In the end...in the final analysis, I don't think doing Plan A backflips will make a lot of difference at this point. He'll either do the right thing or he won't. It will not be because of one thing I did or did not do on a particular day.

It's about the whole package. I bring one whole package to the table. RT brings another.

No matter how many needs I failed to meet pre-A, he had no right to go outside our marriage. I am a warm, loving, intelligent, beautiful woman and I am his wife, the mother of his children. I am demonstrating those qualities to him. I am ALSO demonstrating my changes, being more affectionate, more admiring, more willing to meet HIS needs. Demonstrating that I recognize those needs in him.

I will continue to demonstrate those changes to him, in small, quiet ways. Reminding him, showing him...I'm here, and I want him to come back...he could have it all, he has only to chose it. Solid and steady. A beacon. I'm here. I love you. I want you to be happy. Come home. I believe in who you are.

The only thing that will bring him home now is Plan B. Given the circumstances, now is not the time for Plan B. So it's me...trying to make it to the end of the marathon and I'm exhausted and thirsty and nauseous and my legs are giving out and I have fewer people cheering me on.

I believe I CAN demonstrate my ability and willingness to meet his needs without tapping myself out emotionally or leaving myself vulnerable to more hurt. And it DOES hurt when I put myself out there and he cuts me down. I give him roses and he says, "What about come mid-April?" It hurts. Saying that I'm "groveling." It hurts. The one-armed resistant hugs, not looking me in the eye. It hurts. I just can't do it day in and day out.

Remember the whole post..."if you want to get someone's attention, whisper." Little stuff...a hand on the arm and a look in the eye, a quiet "c-ly-b" as he leaves, a text about the way the sun shines on the icy tree limbs, emailing an article I thought he'd enjoy reading, thanking him for doing something special with the boys. A kinder, gentler Plan A. Kinder and gentler on me, certainly, and VERY VERY true to how I behaved when we were in the romantic stage of our relationship (minus the kids).

So if Plan A is meeting ENs and avoiding LBs, then I can do that. But I need to do it in a way that doesn't wound me any more.

It's also that control thing. When I'm doing the backflips, scrutinizing every move and planning every encounter...it's me trying to control the uncontrollable, me trying to effect him, change him. I can't do that anymore because it is driving me to distraction. I must be missing a gene or something...everyone else seems able to do these things without expectation. I just can't...not deep down...no matter what my head says, my heart is still wounded when I say something heart-felt and he rolls his eyes.

You see, I am trying desperately to understand and come to terms with the fact that it IS out of my hands. But if I am my best self, true to myself, I can live with it. If I meet his ENs to the best of my ABILITY given my current emotional state, AND not LB, then I'll take that. That's a Plan A...my Plan A...not a disregard of MB principles, not "my way." Not the best Plan A ever, but it meets the standard.

I promise, however, that I will keep my well-trained ears and eyes open for quick Plan A strike if the opportunity arises.

So...is that passivity, or is it self-preservation? Are there any alternatives that I am missing...a middle ground? Or are you saying that the ONLY way is a no-holds-barred, go for the jugular Plan A? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

These are just my honest feelings right now, from where I am now. I'm sure I'll take flak for them. However, (for those of you who made it this far) ideas about how to do a kinder, gentler Plan A are welcome. Small, heart-felt things. Like doing a "road trip" basket before he goes (although I'm sure RT will as well, gross). Buying a book about some of the places he'll pass through. That kind of thing...

Kind of like monkey bars? Let go with one hand to move on to the next. Not really letting go, but moving ahead...??