I'm looking for some support and advice. I have been an emotionally abusive H, and back in may I had an brief A. My wife of 15 years is just starting to really deal with her feelings about everything. When we were breaking up, I did major damage with LB's left and right. I moved out and bought a house close to our old one. She will not communicate with me at all right now, other than about schedules for the kids.

I sent her an ownership letter, with a whole lot of apology in it. I recognize and owned my bad behavior, and I'm working very hard to learn some new habits and belief's.

I made it clear I would like another chance in time. So far I've got no reply. Which has been par for the course so far.

My question is this. Is there any women out there that have been in a similar situation, and returned to a loving feeling with their H?

I really love her, and can't believe I've acted as poorly as I have, I'm really seeing it clearly for the first time now.

Looking for some feedback.,.

Thanks,

- TTM

bumping for a response...

bump again.

Mimi or LA should really give you an insight.

heck any female BS here.

I think you need to hear, to understand what she may really be going thru.

You cant make her want to take you back. Even after accepting your chit. You need to understand the intense hurt to then understand the patience and effort it will take on your part to "win" her heart back........

good luck.

I suspect your "ownership letter" may have too much wiggle-room in it for her taste. JMO.

You must convince her you are willing "to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes."

And the best demonstrations of this are actions, not words:

Get IC.

Set up MC and go even if she won't at first.

Give her control.

Act love is a verb, no matter what she does or does not do.

Ask her what she needs.

And prove beyond the shadow of a doubt you mean it.

First understand for yourself why you want to recover and then convince her of it. She has heard this tune of yours before. You need to dance to it this time. You neeed to dance to it from now on.


With prayers,

Hi TM,

I received an ownership-type letter from my exH after I told him I wanted a D. To me, it was just more words.

ACTIONS will get her attention. Have you started IC, Anger Management, or any other type of therapy/support group? Read any books on the subject? Started Church? Volunteering to help animals/children/elderly? Night classes? Joined a gym, take cooking/health classes?

You have to do things she can SEE. Think along those lines. Try not to ask her, try to figure it out on your own. I wasnt impressed wth my (ex)H asking me things - I'd been telling him very directly for YEARS, if he had been paying even a little bit of attention he would have known.

And no, I didnt come out of withdrawl, I D'd and was sorry I didnt do it sooner. But good luck to you! - Dru

Hi Tall Man-
I am currently coming out of withdrawal. If you look back at my earlier posts I talk about how I had no feelings left for my husband, and I was just a robot going through the motions of recovery.

The bad news- it took me 4 years to start to take him seriously. I honestly thought his changes were insincere, and I didn't trust him. I was so far gone in the relationship that I had an affair myself.

The good news- I do love him again. It is possible!

I have seen you here posting for a few weeks and you seem to really want to reconcile with your wife. I agree that words don't cut the mustard- it has to be actions. You must be consistent over a long period of time. It helps that you have children and she will be forced to have contact with you in caring for them. Whenever you are around her, be a prince! Be good to the children. Keep trying and don't give up.

Good luck!
~Saturn

bump for Tall Man

Thanks to you all for the replies. Your insights have helped me.

As for actions, I'm in IC and MC (alone), I've joined an al-anon support group, and been attending 3 meetings a week. I'm reading everything I can find on relationships, and what it takes to have a successful one.

I am going to change no matter what. I truly in my heart don't believe that I can have a successful relationship if i don't. I want that kind of relationship very badly for my life.

I've been faithful to her, and will continue to do so. I'm learning about giving up control.... how can I do more of this? What does it mean to a woman to "have" control. I think right now she's in the drivers seat, but that's my perception, what things could I do that would help her feel more empowered?

Needing some more feedback..

- TTM

Still very high on your things to do list should be purchasing "Surviving and Afffair" by Dr. Willard Harley. There is so much insight in that book that will help you through this. Nearly all the responses you'll get on these forums is based on his philosophy.

Hang in there!
SD

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Take those girls to buy Christmas gifts for their mother. Respect her need for distance but meet her need for financial security and family commitment by focusing on your children.

Respectful