We have been together for almost 30 years- dating, living together, breaking up, marrying, divorcing, remarrying. I don't know why we always gravitate back to each other, it has never been right. But we have this history. And we have grown and almost grown children, who have witnessed it all.

But that isn't the worst of it. For the past six years I have been having an affair with a married man I work with. I think it started because I needed to feel close to someone again. My husband has ED and will not face it, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I not only stopped trying to romance him and stopped trying to have sex with him, but I avoided any kind of physical contact. We have been roommates for 7 years.

I don't know what I want to do. I don't know how to make it all right. I've tried counseling and I always end up conning the counselor because I can't tolerate the stupidity of most therapists, it all seems so juvenile and pointless. I give a try at first, but quickly get to the point where it is just nonsense.

I've been in pain for so long. I've been angry for so long. I have felt abandoned for so long.

The affair gave me something to look forward to, but I have come to realize it is just another way of avoiding dealing with my reality. Only worse, because it endangers the well being of another family. (And while it is not an excuse, it does help me to remember that he pursued me relentlessly.)

Help? I don't know what I am asking for, I just know that I need to end this relationship, even though it will hurt like ******, we have come to love each other, and while that part is real nothing else will ever be or should ever be. And I know that I need to find a way to heal my marriage. My husband loves me deeply but will never change. He has tried and he just can not do it. He can not sustain anything for very long. So for this to work I need to accept everything the way it really is because he will not be able to change even when he wants to.

Again, help?

scared and confused

Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy...
It's designed to bring you closer to God

Sorry to give you some babble but the quickest way to end this is to bend your knee, seek out your victims, repent and make amends.

Don't like that...want something clearer:

How about a list:

1. Tell your husband what you've done
2. Tell OM's wife what you've done
3. Send a no contact for life letter...never see or speak with him again
4. Quit your job and seek other employment away from OM

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Want some good reading material...please go to http://hope-now.com/ and register for their email list. They will give you a free copy of the ebook "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair". It's perfect for you and I think you will like it. Read it several times as waywards reasoning skills are often clouded by their addictions to a fantasy world (which is why you found the counselors that were trying to help you so idiotic). You can't ever effectively work on a marriage with a third unknown person in it...period. End the affair and THEN work on the marriage...if he'll have you.

What exactly do you mean by "my husband has ED and will not face it"? Have you both ever actually discussed it?

I suffer from ED as well, so I might be able to help from that point of view.

I mean that he can not maintain an erection (during intercourse and during oral) and has had this problem for many years.

While we were divorced his girlfriend asked him to go to a doctor about it (this came out during our marriage counseling when the therapist asked if this was an issue with other women. He also admitted that not only was it an issue with every other woman, but I was the only women it hadn't occurred with when we were first together and that is why he thought we were right for each other. Of course, it started with us too but by then it was too late.).

I asked him to try viagra. He says that because he can masturbate he doesn't have a problem.

I tried hard to go along with it, we tried porn, we tried counseling, we tried books on 'better sex' but the truth is that he just can't accept the simple fact that he has ED. He would get angry if I tried to set a romantic stage, claiming I was putting pressure on him. If I did nothing I was rejecting him.

Finally, one morning when he fell out of me yet again during sex I just started crying and announced I couldn't put myself through it anymore. That was 7 years ago.

I think I have not taken it personally, knowing that it wasn't about me. I know I am a very attractive woman (my married lover is one of many I have said no to, but not only was he relentless, he became a dear friend- that is where I let down my guard). But sex is important to me, it is how I express my affection and my love.

I don't want this to be just about sex, that sounds so trivial. It is more about what sex represents, not the act itself.

oops

Sounds similar to my problem. And my problem got worse. Levitra was the solution.

I can tell you that facing the fact that I suffered from ED was extremely difficult to do - it actually took me about 10 years to do something about it! But I'll tell you this - when I actually decided to face it and do something about it, I was extremely hard on myself for not doing something about it earlier, because my denial and procrastination had a considerably adverse effect on my M, like your H's ED is having on yours (not that this should be interpreted as any excuse for you to have an A - the responsibility for that is 100% yours to bear: you should know this, and your H should be made aware of this too when you eventually confess to him).



No, no, no. He has to face this problem - you can't push him towards adopting a solution like that. And viewing porn definitely is NOT a solution!



Sounds like you are equating ED with sexual attraction / arousal. Huge mistake! ED is a physical/psychological problem. It can be *triggered* by arousal, but should not be equated to arousal. For example, in my case, I tend to suffer from ED when I'm MOST aroused by my FWW. Everything goes into overload and shutdown. Thankfully the problem is easily taken care of by 10mg of Levitra <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.



There's nothing wrong with you in that regard. SF appears to be one of your top ENs, that's all. The problem here is that you've chosen to go outside of your M to get it met, rather than "negotiating" with your H how he can meet it for you.

Your H is likely to be totally devasted when you confess to the A - which I suggest you do as early as possible. If he does decide to continue the M, a frank discussion about meeting each others' ENs might be just what he needs to get him to do something about his ED problem.

IMO He needs to see a doctor about the ED. It can be treated. I too have that condition but with Cialis NOT A Problem. I personally don't like Viagra but there are others that work just as well and and the results seem more natural.

Also sounds to me like he is substituting masterbation for your' and his sex life. Doesn't help the intimacy which is the glue in a marriage at least for me.

My $.02 worth.

Wow, those words really hit home, I'm sitting here crying.



Do you seriously believe that we can do that after a 6 year affair?

I'd like to believe it is possible, but I am afraid that the truth will be too hard for us to overcome.

But it is what I want more than anything in the world.

All true, the question is how???

It doesn't matter what I believe - what matters is what you and your H believe. If you want to continue the M with him, he needs to know this, to *feel* this when you confess your A to him. If you confess with what can be perceived by him as a "take it or leave it" attitude, it's going to be considerably more difficult for him to bear. You also have to make it clear that you consider the A 100% your fault. Yes, you had unmet emotional needs, but having an A with someone else and being dishonest to your H for six years was YOUR choice, not his.

I haven't seen much advice given here about how someone should actually go about confessing to an A - perhaps some of the "old-timers" can step in here.

Ok, while I wait on sage advice, how about practical advice?

What in the world would make it easier to hear that your wife had lied to you and slept with someone else for 6 years???

What would even make it possible to hear that?

Trust me, I can deliver the information with complete and utter sincerity. I can gratefully put the truth out there if I thought it would help us find our way back to each other. I just don't believe it, I think it will hurt him so badly and haunt him forever. I get sick every time I think about it. Because as angry as I have been with him for caring so little about us as a couple, I am even more angry at myself for being able to put his heart and trust at risk of harm.

I feel sick.

I actually haven't been very lucky with Cialis (or to be more precise, its generic equivalent). I've found Levitra to be the best, followed by Viagra.



Perhaps, but I'll bet that it has a lot more to do with performance anxiety than anything else, particularly as it's pretty clear that he has a W who has SF as one of her top ENs. I used to be *afraid* to approach my W for SF before I started taking treatment for ED. I guess I'm still a little afraid now, but for different reasons...

It sounds like this couple have found themselves at the very bottom of the performance anxiety/ED tailspin - not a very happy place to be at all.

Based on my experience when my FWW confessed to me (to be more precise, based on the things she DIDN'T do during her confession, which was more of an admittance):

1. Take full responsibility for your choice to have an A.
2. Make sure he knows that your preference would be to remain in the M and do whatever it takes to make up for your poor choices.
3. Ensure he knows that you plan to institute immediate NC with the OM, even if this includes leaving your job.
4. Show empathy for his hurt - and believe me, it will hurt him like nothing has ever hurt him before.
5. Don't run away when the going gets tough after D-Day. Always make it clear that your choice would be to stay in the M.


BTW - the OM's W needs to be made aware of the A as well.

I can do everything but this. It isn't up to me to proactively harm another family. I can take responsibility for my actions and the harm I've brought to my Husband and my family. I can do anything he needs to make amends in order to save my marriage and my family, and to help ease the pain for my Husband. I can suffer the consequences of my actions. But my OM has to make his own choices about his life, his wife and his marriage.

s&c, the OMW will eventually have to be told, but not by you. First things first, though, you have bigger fish on your plate.

Man in Motion gave you good advice about telling your H. The only 2 things I would add would be to avoid blaming him for any part of your affair. This will make it look like you are blameshifting.

Secondly, I would suggest sending him to us after you tell him, so we can help him through this. He will get lots of support here.

Thank you all.

I'm sorry, but you've already done that by engaging in a six-year A with the OM. It's not your honesty that's going to hurt the other family - it's that fact that the OM engaged in A with you for six years that's going to hurt them.

Everyone deserves to know the truth about the person that they've chosen to spend the rest of their life with, and the longer they live with a lie, the worse it will be when the truth eventually comes out. This includes your H and the OMW. If you inform the OM that you will be confessing to your H, he might confess to his W, but quite likely he might resort to lying instead.

I agree. But it is up to him to be honest about it with his wife, and I doubt very seriously that will happen.

My husband would never deliberately hurt anyone, so I am certain he would not reveal anything to OM's wife.

And I also agree that I have contribute to the harm to his family, but I am not the one that can make amends for that harm.

Again, thank you all. I am going to take your advice (at least as far as my Husband is concerned).

S&C...

I'm very glad that you have decided to tell your husband about your affair...it is the ONLY right thing to do for you both...

I am a FWW myself, I will be glad to help you in any way that I can...When you end things with OM, you will go through a withdrawal period that will be awful...come here and talk to us about it...let us guide you and help you with that...This will be hard, but VERY worth it I can assure you...

Couple questions...

1. When do you plan on telling your husband? The sooner the better...(Hint: tell him before you tell OM and let your husband read and approve the NC letter-no more secrets with OM)

2. Will you bring your husband here to allow him to get the support that he will need?

I'm rooting for you...

Mrs. W